Joe Montana & Airline Technology

1. According to an affidavit, a notebook of James Von Brunn, the man who shot a security guard at the U.S. Holocaust museum, reportedly describes President Obama as being "created by Jews." Brunn's mental health is still in question, but he goes on to say, "And they built him in their Jew tree house, wearing their colorful Jew hats and Jew garb. Keebler, maybe the Jewishest name ever."

2. The NCAA today put the University of Alabama on a three-year probation, citing major violations relating to textbook distribution. The football team has been forced to give up any wins from the '05-'06 and '07-'08 seasons. Trying to find the silver lining in the penalty, the University of Alabama said in a statement, "We're looking forward to the end of this three-year probation, but 18 months really isn't that long."

3. Research announced on Thursday reveals that video game sales dropped 23% in the month of May, the first time sales were below a billion since last August. In other news, doctors are seeing a surge in hospital visits by men age 18-25 for increased exposure to conversation.

4. After months of careful thought and public anticipation, Nick Montana, son of legendary NFL quarterback Joe Montana, has decided to play football for the Huskies at the University of Washington. It's safe to say we'll all sleep a little better tonight.

5. Executives at several airlines are giving less than optimistic outlooks for the airline industry. Fuel prices are rising and with demand so low, CEO's say that fare increases are almost guaranteed. Likely exacerbating the problem is the bizarre, industry-wide introduction of the latest in "rape seat" technology.

High five.