Texting Champion & Gold Vending Machines

1. Thomas Geissler, owner of the company TG Gold, is taking advantage of the weak global economy and placing gold vending machines throughout Europe. With gold being such a safe investment, Geissler believes the idea will be a fruitful one and hopes it will spread worldwide. Analysts are unsure how the machine would play in the U.S., but say it couldn't be much worse than the unpopular pink slip vending machine.

2. Chace Crawford, hunk actor of the show Gossip Girl, was named People's hottest bachelor. Chace Crawford was followed closely by heartthrob Brock Jensen, sex-having Crash Reynolds, and muscle-flexing Tex Tamlin. This joke brought to you by Five Jokes reporter Jet Driver.

3. On Tuesday, Kate Moore, a 15 year old from Iowa, became the U.S. texting champion, beating out 250,000 other competitors and winning $50,000. "Let your kid text during dinner! Let your kid text during school! It pays off," said Moore. Yes, kids, text all you can at all times of the day and you, too, can reach the high point of your life at age 15.

4. An 18 year old Belgian teen says she was shocked to wake up in a tattoo parlor chair to see 56 stars tattooed on her face instead of the 3 stars she claims to have asked for before falling asleep. The tattoo artist says the girl got exactly what she wanted and that it was only a problem after her dad saw the results. Perhaps this young girl should look on the bright side; if she's racing to the tattoo parlor already at 18, this probably isn't the most regretful thing she'll wake up to in her life.

5. Today Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez broke the MLB record for most games ever played at the catcher position. Rodriguez said it is "an honor" to have crouched behind the plate for those 2,227 games. Rodriguez concluded his interview then hobble away on his half human half aircraft grade titanium legs.

High five.