1. It's been announced that actress Sandra Bullock will take to the red carpet again on June 6th at the MTV Movie Awards. Bullock had been recently lying low after going through a very public infidelity scandal. In future news, Sandra Bullock left the MTV Awards in shock today after the red carpet had been photographed with at least 500 other women.
2. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg said today in a Washington Post op-ed that the social network will soon feature revamped privacy controls. "Facebook has no intention of invading anyone's privacy," said Zuckerburg. Adding, "Especially for people like Kathy Mitchell of Waukegan, IL and her wide variety of personal cleavage shots."
3. According to recent reports, days before an explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig that caused one of the largest spills in history, BP execs knowingly chose to seal the well with a riskier engineering method for financial reasons. BP execs today apologized saying they would make amends by properly sealing mother nature's anus after they've finished raping it.
4. Attorney General Eric Holder met with 10 US police chiefs today who all agreed that the recent controversial Arizona Immigration Law would increase crime and hinder local law enforcement. The meeting was however cut short and the bomb squad brought in when Holder was believed to possess a Mexican looking mustache.
5. GOP candidate Vaughn Ward was defeated in an Idaho Republican primary Tuesday despite being endorsed by both Sarah Palin and the GOP. While Ward was upset by a candidate of the growing Tea Party movement, analysts say it was likely due to his strong anti-potato views.
High five.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Rand Finale
1. On Sunday, Sarah Palin accused MSNBC's Rachel Maddow of conducting a "prejudiced" interview with Tea Party candidate Rand Paul after he made controversial statements about the 1964 Civil Rights Act. "You know, they are looking for the gotcha moment. And that evidently appears to be what they did with Rand Paul," said Palin. Paul said he hasn't been treated this badly since he was told he couldn't sit at the front of the limo.
2. According to recent comments by Oprah biographer Kitty Kelley, Harpo staff members refer to the media titan by the codename "Mary" to hide Oprah's business from those that may be eavesdropping. In a related story, Heidi Montag's assistants continue to liberally use the codename "Heidi Montag."
3. On Thursday night, a Massachusetts' man was sucked into a sausage machine while working late at a sausage factory. The man was not injured by the machine, but did die later from extreme innuendo.
4. Today George Mitchell, President Obama's special envoy to the Middle East, told U.S. Jews in Washington that peace in the Middle East is possible. Audience members were delighted until Mitchell revealed his five point plan for Virgina and Maryland to finally get along.
5. At a Los Angeles court hearing on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. To help Lohan get back on track, said the judge, the SCRAM bracelet will detect any alcohol through Lohan's perspiration, must be worn at all times, and of course will regularly send upskirt pictures of her vagina to TMZ.
High five.
2. According to recent comments by Oprah biographer Kitty Kelley, Harpo staff members refer to the media titan by the codename "Mary" to hide Oprah's business from those that may be eavesdropping. In a related story, Heidi Montag's assistants continue to liberally use the codename "Heidi Montag."
3. On Thursday night, a Massachusetts' man was sucked into a sausage machine while working late at a sausage factory. The man was not injured by the machine, but did die later from extreme innuendo.
4. Today George Mitchell, President Obama's special envoy to the Middle East, told U.S. Jews in Washington that peace in the Middle East is possible. Audience members were delighted until Mitchell revealed his five point plan for Virgina and Maryland to finally get along.
5. At a Los Angeles court hearing on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. To help Lohan get back on track, said the judge, the SCRAM bracelet will detect any alcohol through Lohan's perspiration, must be worn at all times, and of course will regularly send upskirt pictures of her vagina to TMZ.
High five.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Good Morning, Blumenthal!
1. Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal apologized today for misspeaking on his Vietnam service record. Blumenthal, running for one of Connecticut's US Senate seats, talked previously about his service in Vietnam, but while he served in the Marine Corps Reserves, he was never actually in Southeast Asia. Blumenthal attributed his lapse to the long hours he spends being a part time astronaut.
2. Louisiana reported on Wednesday that the first heavy oil of the disastrous BP Gulf spill has reached its marshland coast. So, things in Louisiana are finally looking up!
3. Adam Wheeler, a Harvard student, was outed this past week for using fake credentials to land financial aid and more recently a job. Wheeler's resume claimed he knew four languages and was currently authoring or co-authoring six books. Of course, having received my doctorate in Book Learningtology from Princevard University, I knew instantly that his claims were false.
4. Archeologists announced that they have found the oldest Mesoamerican tomb, dated at around 2,700 years old. The tomb contained a man scientists believe to around age 50, who was buried with jade collars, pyrite and a "Vote McCain in 690BC" button.
5. On Tuesday Wal-Mart's first quarter net income saw a 10 percent rise, mirroring a similar rise in Wal-Mart customer G-strings.
High five.
2. Louisiana reported on Wednesday that the first heavy oil of the disastrous BP Gulf spill has reached its marshland coast. So, things in Louisiana are finally looking up!
3. Adam Wheeler, a Harvard student, was outed this past week for using fake credentials to land financial aid and more recently a job. Wheeler's resume claimed he knew four languages and was currently authoring or co-authoring six books. Of course, having received my doctorate in Book Learningtology from Princevard University, I knew instantly that his claims were false.
4. Archeologists announced that they have found the oldest Mesoamerican tomb, dated at around 2,700 years old. The tomb contained a man scientists believe to around age 50, who was buried with jade collars, pyrite and a "Vote McCain in 690BC" button.
5. On Tuesday Wal-Mart's first quarter net income saw a 10 percent rise, mirroring a similar rise in Wal-Mart customer G-strings.
High five.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Mohammedieval On Your Ass
1. The Swedish cartoonist who four years ago drew Mohammed as a dog was assaulted during a lecture at Uppsala University by a man yelling "God is great!" in Arabic. Lars Vilks gave a lecture on the limits of free speech when the man rushed towards the artist. Vilks was unharmed but was extra careful when leaving later in his Mohammed-mobile.
2. A 24 year old Florida woman says Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola from MTV's Jersey Shore attacked her in a club over the weekend after talking she talked to Giancola's man. "She exchanged bad words at me," said the woman. "I exchanged bad words back. She hit me twice in the face." When reached for comment, MTV called the allegations absurd and in a statement said, "Anyone who knows Sammi knows she in fact doesn't know any words at all."
3. Texas governor Rick Perry is being criticized by watchdog groups for spending more than $600,000 in tax payer money on what some consider an overly extravagant lifestyle. This includes funding parties, high end furnishings and a $1,000 "emergency repair" of the governor's filtered ice machine. Translation: the governor's "filtered ice" servant was sent back to Mexico in the wake of heated immigration debate and Governor Perry had to buy an actual ice machine.
4. Tiger Woods' mistress Rachel Uchitel is set to pose for Playboy next month. Uchitel says we'll finally see a side of her that has yet to be seen. Oh, so fully clothed then?
5. The new Miss USA Rima Fakih is being investigated by the pageant's parent company after photos surfaced of the 24 year old in a pole dancing competition, which she won. Officials say Fakih isn't in any trouble, they just want her to supervise while they install the pole for next year's Miss USA competition.
High five.
2. A 24 year old Florida woman says Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola from MTV's Jersey Shore attacked her in a club over the weekend after talking she talked to Giancola's man. "She exchanged bad words at me," said the woman. "I exchanged bad words back. She hit me twice in the face." When reached for comment, MTV called the allegations absurd and in a statement said, "Anyone who knows Sammi knows she in fact doesn't know any words at all."
3. Texas governor Rick Perry is being criticized by watchdog groups for spending more than $600,000 in tax payer money on what some consider an overly extravagant lifestyle. This includes funding parties, high end furnishings and a $1,000 "emergency repair" of the governor's filtered ice machine. Translation: the governor's "filtered ice" servant was sent back to Mexico in the wake of heated immigration debate and Governor Perry had to buy an actual ice machine.
4. Tiger Woods' mistress Rachel Uchitel is set to pose for Playboy next month. Uchitel says we'll finally see a side of her that has yet to be seen. Oh, so fully clothed then?
5. The new Miss USA Rima Fakih is being investigated by the pageant's parent company after photos surfaced of the 24 year old in a pole dancing competition, which she won. Officials say Fakih isn't in any trouble, they just want her to supervise while they install the pole for next year's Miss USA competition.
High five.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Unfounded Founders
1. Appearing on the O'Reilly Factor recently, Sarah Palin advised that we "go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant ... [and] create law based on the God of the bible and the ten commandments." Palin was immediately punished for having recently voted without owning land or cattle and began washing Bill O'Reilly's feet as penance.
2. Next week, British astronaut Piers Sellers will take a piece of Isaac Newton's famous apple tree up into space on the shuttle Atlantis. "I'll take it up into orbit and let it float around a bit, which will confuse Isaac," said Sellers. NASA at first wasn't keen on the idea but later reconsidered when they discovered what a complete waste of time and money it would be.
3. An under-16 Australian Rules football team is being criticized for entering into a sponsorship deal with Hooters. While the team is generally not seen as the best team in the league, experts agree they are the smartest and happiest.
4. Former Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson, once star of the E! show Girls Next Door, reportedly has a series of sex tapes where she is with multiple partners. The adult film company Vivid Entertainment had threatened to release the tapes. Wilkinson, however, retrieved the tapes from Vivid's offices after showing up in a plumber's outfit asking if everyone's pipes were working okay.
5. In an interview with AOL News, Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher said that if he could live in another time it would be the 1800's. "In America you could make it or not make it depending on your efforts and your work. Men held to their word. I like that kind of black and white," said Wurzelbacher. Aptly put, Joe the Plumber: white guy. Aptly put.
High five.
2. Next week, British astronaut Piers Sellers will take a piece of Isaac Newton's famous apple tree up into space on the shuttle Atlantis. "I'll take it up into orbit and let it float around a bit, which will confuse Isaac," said Sellers. NASA at first wasn't keen on the idea but later reconsidered when they discovered what a complete waste of time and money it would be.
3. An under-16 Australian Rules football team is being criticized for entering into a sponsorship deal with Hooters. While the team is generally not seen as the best team in the league, experts agree they are the smartest and happiest.
4. Former Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson, once star of the E! show Girls Next Door, reportedly has a series of sex tapes where she is with multiple partners. The adult film company Vivid Entertainment had threatened to release the tapes. Wilkinson, however, retrieved the tapes from Vivid's offices after showing up in a plumber's outfit asking if everyone's pipes were working okay.
5. In an interview with AOL News, Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher said that if he could live in another time it would be the 1800's. "In America you could make it or not make it depending on your efforts and your work. Men held to their word. I like that kind of black and white," said Wurzelbacher. Aptly put, Joe the Plumber: white guy. Aptly put.
High five.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Florida & Fauna
1. A law proposal in Florida prohibiting the act of bestiality has failed to pass the Florida congress for a second time. And for a second time, Florida congressmen meet after for a drink and awkwardly ignore the elephant in the room... the very frightened elephant in the room.
2. Sarah Palin this week is seeing a backlash from her tea party supporters after she endorsed California conservative Carly Fiorina for the US Senate. "Please rethink your position and support Chuck Devore... the Tea Party Express supports him and you should too," wrote one Facebook user. Palin finally sees that no matter what side of tea bagging you're on, no one's happy.
3. Another less publicized law was passed in Arizona recently that prohibits anyone from "intentionally or knowingly creating a human-animal hybrid." Proponents say the law tries to establish ethical standards in the field of genetic research. Local minotaur retirees were split on the issue.
4. Today, ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) allowed the first Arab-friendly domain names in what's being called a "significant change to internet domain names." But too bad if you're late to the party, as "dieUSA.com" and "killinfidels.com" are already taken!
5. Two former Real World cast members have announced they are running for political office. Kevin Powell of the first season is running for a Congressional district in Brooklyn and Sean Duffy from Real World: Boston is running in Wisconsin. No specifics yet on where they stand on the issues, but critics say both candidates are taking money from Big Hot Tub.
High five.
2. Sarah Palin this week is seeing a backlash from her tea party supporters after she endorsed California conservative Carly Fiorina for the US Senate. "Please rethink your position and support Chuck Devore... the Tea Party Express supports him and you should too," wrote one Facebook user. Palin finally sees that no matter what side of tea bagging you're on, no one's happy.
3. Another less publicized law was passed in Arizona recently that prohibits anyone from "intentionally or knowingly creating a human-animal hybrid." Proponents say the law tries to establish ethical standards in the field of genetic research. Local minotaur retirees were split on the issue.
4. Today, ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) allowed the first Arab-friendly domain names in what's being called a "significant change to internet domain names." But too bad if you're late to the party, as "dieUSA.com" and "killinfidels.com" are already taken!
5. Two former Real World cast members have announced they are running for political office. Kevin Powell of the first season is running for a Congressional district in Brooklyn and Sean Duffy from Real World: Boston is running in Wisconsin. No specifics yet on where they stand on the issues, but critics say both candidates are taking money from Big Hot Tub.
High five.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Cinco D'Apropos
1. It's Cinco de Mayo and people all over the country are out celebrating Mexican heritage. Nearly 10,000 Caucasian college students have been detained by Arizona police.
2. Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, known nationally as Joe the Plumber, was elected to a Republican party committee of Ohio on Tuesday. The committee Wurzelbacher serves on only meets a few times a year, which party officials say will coincide nicely with when the "shitter usually plugs up."
3. This week, senate GOP members proposed an alternative to the Democrats' consumer protection bill. Today reporters were given access to the GOP plan, but said when they opened the manila folder it was filled with shredded newspaper and the GOP spokesperson had suddenly bolted from the room.
4. A 23 year old from Mobile, AL has won $1 million after pitching a perfect game in the video game "Major League Baseball 2K10," by Take Two Interactive. He and his wife says they'll use the money to start a family. The developer knew the accomplishment would be difficult but not impossible. Yes, a video gamer of that caliber having the ability to find a wife... quite an accomplishment.
5. According to Life & Style magazine, Hills star Heidi Montag will be having another breast enlargement operation. Montag reportedly wasn't happy with the size after her last procedure. Given her obsession with breast enlargement and her marriage to Spencer Pratt, experts wonder if Montag is perhaps dangerously addicted to huge boobs.
High five.
2. Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, known nationally as Joe the Plumber, was elected to a Republican party committee of Ohio on Tuesday. The committee Wurzelbacher serves on only meets a few times a year, which party officials say will coincide nicely with when the "shitter usually plugs up."
3. This week, senate GOP members proposed an alternative to the Democrats' consumer protection bill. Today reporters were given access to the GOP plan, but said when they opened the manila folder it was filled with shredded newspaper and the GOP spokesperson had suddenly bolted from the room.
4. A 23 year old from Mobile, AL has won $1 million after pitching a perfect game in the video game "Major League Baseball 2K10," by Take Two Interactive. He and his wife says they'll use the money to start a family. The developer knew the accomplishment would be difficult but not impossible. Yes, a video gamer of that caliber having the ability to find a wife... quite an accomplishment.
5. According to Life & Style magazine, Hills star Heidi Montag will be having another breast enlargement operation. Montag reportedly wasn't happy with the size after her last procedure. Given her obsession with breast enlargement and her marriage to Spencer Pratt, experts wonder if Montag is perhaps dangerously addicted to huge boobs.
High five.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Abort!
1. Florida state senator Mike Bennett is in trouble this week after cameras caught him looking at pornography during a live debate on abortion. The Christian politician says he closed the email immediately and was surprised at what he saw, but not quite as surprised as experts who assumed it'd be gay porn.
2. Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow church-goers to carry guns into churches. Many conservatives see this as a win for both religious and gun rights, but mostly they're just looking to get even with the people who shot Jesus' hands and feet.
3. A man from Sichaun, China has died after a friend reportedly inserted an eel into his rectum "as a joke." The eel caused major damage to the man's intestines. Doctors said the man died from internal bleeding, and also "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
4. On Monday, Glenn Beck trashed the idea of Mother's Day, calling it a business scam started by Woodrow Wilson. Beck says he loves the person who gave birth to him but feels awkward sending a Vermont Teddy Bear to Rupert Murdoch's asshole.
5. A Los Angeles woman who was arrested for stabbing four people at a Target was said to have been distressed after losing custody of her daughter. A reporter asked the woman why she lost custody of her daughter... and the reporter was stabbed repeatedly.
High five.
2. Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow church-goers to carry guns into churches. Many conservatives see this as a win for both religious and gun rights, but mostly they're just looking to get even with the people who shot Jesus' hands and feet.
3. A man from Sichaun, China has died after a friend reportedly inserted an eel into his rectum "as a joke." The eel caused major damage to the man's intestines. Doctors said the man died from internal bleeding, and also "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
4. On Monday, Glenn Beck trashed the idea of Mother's Day, calling it a business scam started by Woodrow Wilson. Beck says he loves the person who gave birth to him but feels awkward sending a Vermont Teddy Bear to Rupert Murdoch's asshole.
5. A Los Angeles woman who was arrested for stabbing four people at a Target was said to have been distressed after losing custody of her daughter. A reporter asked the woman why she lost custody of her daughter... and the reporter was stabbed repeatedly.
High five.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Razing Arizona
1. Included in the new controversial immigration law passed in Arizona this month are some laws which are not common knowledge to the public. For instance, schools will lose state funding if they offer course "designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group or advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals." The law also advises that you bring in your swastika flag if you think it might rain.
2. On Thursday, MLB Player's Association Director Michael Weiner criticized Arizona's new immigration law. This law "could have a negative impact on hundreds of Major League players who are citizens of countries other than the United States," Weiner wrote in a statement, using a 30o pound pen courtesy of HGH Inc.
3. On Friday Bret Michaels' doctor said the 47 year old Poison frontman has a will to live that is "undeniable." Michaels is still undergoing hospital care after suffering a brain hemorrhage last week. Dr. Joseph Zabramski still isn't exactly sure what caused the hemorrhage, but most of the tests point to long sustained, unapologetic ROCKING.
4. Starbucks is being sued by a customer who reportedly suffered second degree burns from the store's hot tea. In 1994, a women won a huge lawsuit against McDonald's when she spilled scalding coffee in her lap. However, authorities say the Starbuck's customer may be trying to bilk the company out of money, since the his original complaint reported burns to his "vagina."
5. Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has agreed to pay $27.6 million to settle a lawsuit alleging it improperly stored, handled and dumped hazardous waste at stores. The world's largest corporation can no longer store said waste. In a related story, today Wal-Mart reported no stock.
High five.
2. On Thursday, MLB Player's Association Director Michael Weiner criticized Arizona's new immigration law. This law "could have a negative impact on hundreds of Major League players who are citizens of countries other than the United States," Weiner wrote in a statement, using a 30o pound pen courtesy of HGH Inc.
3. On Friday Bret Michaels' doctor said the 47 year old Poison frontman has a will to live that is "undeniable." Michaels is still undergoing hospital care after suffering a brain hemorrhage last week. Dr. Joseph Zabramski still isn't exactly sure what caused the hemorrhage, but most of the tests point to long sustained, unapologetic ROCKING.
4. Starbucks is being sued by a customer who reportedly suffered second degree burns from the store's hot tea. In 1994, a women won a huge lawsuit against McDonald's when she spilled scalding coffee in her lap. However, authorities say the Starbuck's customer may be trying to bilk the company out of money, since the his original complaint reported burns to his "vagina."
5. Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has agreed to pay $27.6 million to settle a lawsuit alleging it improperly stored, handled and dumped hazardous waste at stores. The world's largest corporation can no longer store said waste. In a related story, today Wal-Mart reported no stock.
High five.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Indo's Gigilos
1. On Tuesday, police on Indonesia's resort island of Bali detained 28 people in a crackdown on "beach gigolos." Gigolos would reportedly search out short romantic relationships with foreign female tourists in exchange for gifts. In other news, today marks the 10th anniversary of people forgetting about Rob Schneider.
2. Sandra Bullock revealed this week that she has adopted a baby boy. Just days after also filing for divorce from Jesse James, Bullock says she's ready for life as a single mother. But Bullock was shocked earlier today when she found text messages from other mothers on her new baby's phone.
3. The Sun, the British newspaper published by the son of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, says it will print one issue in 3D on June 5. In future news, subscribers to The Sun were put off today when they read the paper's limited 3D edition and appeared to have smelly, garbagy shit leap off the page onto their hands.
4. It was announced on Wednesday that director Bill Condon is officially slated to direct the next installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. Condon is known for writing the Oscar winning screenplay for Gods and Monsters, producing the 2009 Academy Awards, and being a 16 year old girl.
5. On Tuesday, the Washington Examiner ran the headline "Obama Disses White Guys," which criticizes the President for specifically targeting Blacks, Hispanics, and women for the upcoming 2010 midterm elections. In the Examiner's defense, Obama did offer his hand to White guys, but when White guys went to take it, Obama quickly took it back and ran it through his hair.
High five.
2. Sandra Bullock revealed this week that she has adopted a baby boy. Just days after also filing for divorce from Jesse James, Bullock says she's ready for life as a single mother. But Bullock was shocked earlier today when she found text messages from other mothers on her new baby's phone.
3. The Sun, the British newspaper published by the son of media mogul Rupert Murdoch, says it will print one issue in 3D on June 5. In future news, subscribers to The Sun were put off today when they read the paper's limited 3D edition and appeared to have smelly, garbagy shit leap off the page onto their hands.
4. It was announced on Wednesday that director Bill Condon is officially slated to direct the next installment of the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. Condon is known for writing the Oscar winning screenplay for Gods and Monsters, producing the 2009 Academy Awards, and being a 16 year old girl.
5. On Tuesday, the Washington Examiner ran the headline "Obama Disses White Guys," which criticizes the President for specifically targeting Blacks, Hispanics, and women for the upcoming 2010 midterm elections. In the Examiner's defense, Obama did offer his hand to White guys, but when White guys went to take it, Obama quickly took it back and ran it through his hair.
High five.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Space Invaders
1. In a new Discovery Channel series, Stephen Hawking says that humans shouldn't automatically assume that alien visitors would come in peace. "I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet ... looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach," Hawking said... well, sort of.
2. A Nebraska county courthouse is under fire for displaying a picture of Barack Obama smoking a cigarette instead of a traditional Presidential portrait. A Republican Adams County supervisor said he did it as a joke after on county official found it disrespectful. The Adams County supervisor said he's sorry if anyone was offended and he'll return their original Obama portrait with the Hitler mustache.
3. Doctors said on Monday that more tests are planned for rocker Bret Michaels after he was rushed to the ER for a severe headache. Despite the seriousness doctors say Michaels should unfortunately be available for a 4th season of "Rock of Love."
4. A Justin Bieber concert was canceled Monday in Australia after thousands of teenage fans rushed toward the open doors injuring some and causing others to pass out. No word yet on what caused the crowd to surge forward, but the Pulitzer Prize committee will be taking a close look at the investigative coverage in this month's Tiger Beat.
5. LuAnn de Lesseps from the Real Housewives of New York has released a new single called "Money Can't Buy You Class." "This is not your average dance track," says de Lesseps. And music experts agree that it is in fact well, well below average.
High five.
2. A Nebraska county courthouse is under fire for displaying a picture of Barack Obama smoking a cigarette instead of a traditional Presidential portrait. A Republican Adams County supervisor said he did it as a joke after on county official found it disrespectful. The Adams County supervisor said he's sorry if anyone was offended and he'll return their original Obama portrait with the Hitler mustache.
3. Doctors said on Monday that more tests are planned for rocker Bret Michaels after he was rushed to the ER for a severe headache. Despite the seriousness doctors say Michaels should unfortunately be available for a 4th season of "Rock of Love."
4. A Justin Bieber concert was canceled Monday in Australia after thousands of teenage fans rushed toward the open doors injuring some and causing others to pass out. No word yet on what caused the crowd to surge forward, but the Pulitzer Prize committee will be taking a close look at the investigative coverage in this month's Tiger Beat.
5. LuAnn de Lesseps from the Real Housewives of New York has released a new single called "Money Can't Buy You Class." "This is not your average dance track," says de Lesseps. And music experts agree that it is in fact well, well below average.
High five.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
No Shirt, No Shoes, No Kitchen Staff
1. According to California Representative Brian Bilbray, in regards to recent strict immigration legislation passed by Arizona, illegal immigrants can be spotted by their shoes and clothes. Bilbray says he knows this because he's constantly having to buy new shoes and clothes for his undocumented house staff.
2. In a heated GOP Florida Senate race, Dick Cheney has endorsed candidate Mark Rubio over Governor Charlie Crist as Rubio surges ahead in the state polls. Cheney met with Rubio earlier today where they discussed the possible destruction of Charlie Crist's home planet of Alderaan.
3. It's the fourth Thursday in April and across the country that means it's "Take Your Son or Daughter to Work Day." However, due to a troubled economy, the annual event has been changed to "Take Your Son or Daughter to Couch Day."
4. An Australian women was sentenced to 25 years in prison after she ran over and killed a man who threw cheese snacks at her car. The defense says the punishment is excessive, but the judge insisted it be sharp.
5. Twitter co-founder Biz Stone settled the "tweeted" versus "twittered" debate earlier this week in an interview with Katie Couric. "I think I'm going now have to relinquish style control here to the people who have spoken and go ahead and say, it's tweeted," said Stone. And with that, cancer was cured across the globe.
High five.
2. In a heated GOP Florida Senate race, Dick Cheney has endorsed candidate Mark Rubio over Governor Charlie Crist as Rubio surges ahead in the state polls. Cheney met with Rubio earlier today where they discussed the possible destruction of Charlie Crist's home planet of Alderaan.
3. It's the fourth Thursday in April and across the country that means it's "Take Your Son or Daughter to Work Day." However, due to a troubled economy, the annual event has been changed to "Take Your Son or Daughter to Couch Day."
4. An Australian women was sentenced to 25 years in prison after she ran over and killed a man who threw cheese snacks at her car. The defense says the punishment is excessive, but the judge insisted it be sharp.
5. Twitter co-founder Biz Stone settled the "tweeted" versus "twittered" debate earlier this week in an interview with Katie Couric. "I think I'm going now have to relinquish style control here to the people who have spoken and go ahead and say, it's tweeted," said Stone. And with that, cancer was cured across the globe.
High five.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Roethlisberger Reprise And A Joke
1. Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger will be suspended for the first six games of the 2010 NFL season for after being accused of sexual assault for the second time in less than a year. "There is no question that the excessive consumption of alcohol that evening put the students and yourself at risk," said NFL commissioner in a letter to Roethlisberger. Experts agree that 6 weeks off during the season will give Roethlisberger a chance to check out the opposing team's local bar scene.
2. A new $100 bill was introduced last month and is touted as the most advanced treasury note ever, "incorporating the best technology available." Here's how the note works, say officials: counterfeiters will get a hold of the new highly advanced $100 bill, try to copy it, then realize that in the future US money will be worth almost nothing. Joke's on them!
3. Obama said Wednesday that he is looking for someone who backs women's rights when considering a Supreme Court Justice nominee. "That's very important to me," said Obama. The President says he's not referring to rulings on abortion, but feels someone who supports women's rights will probably be better suited to handle the Supreme Court chamber vacuum cleaner.
4. In court on Wednesday, US attorneys described former Blackwater president Gary Jackson, currently being indicted on federal charges, as having a "scofflaw attitude." US attorney John Bowler says Jackson falsified federal documents to hide that the company was providing guns to the king of Jordan. Prosecutors also point out that Jackson's fixation on big guns only highlights his "smallpenis demeanor."
5. Tuesday on Howard Stern's show, Fox News host Megyn Kelly said, given the choice during the game "Marry, F***, Kill," that she would marry Sean Hannity, have sex with Bill O'Reilly, and kill Glenn Beck. Today, in a completely unrelated story, Sean Hannity said that he too would marry and have sex with Sean Hannity.
High five.
2. A new $100 bill was introduced last month and is touted as the most advanced treasury note ever, "incorporating the best technology available." Here's how the note works, say officials: counterfeiters will get a hold of the new highly advanced $100 bill, try to copy it, then realize that in the future US money will be worth almost nothing. Joke's on them!
3. Obama said Wednesday that he is looking for someone who backs women's rights when considering a Supreme Court Justice nominee. "That's very important to me," said Obama. The President says he's not referring to rulings on abortion, but feels someone who supports women's rights will probably be better suited to handle the Supreme Court chamber vacuum cleaner.
4. In court on Wednesday, US attorneys described former Blackwater president Gary Jackson, currently being indicted on federal charges, as having a "scofflaw attitude." US attorney John Bowler says Jackson falsified federal documents to hide that the company was providing guns to the king of Jordan. Prosecutors also point out that Jackson's fixation on big guns only highlights his "smallpenis demeanor."
5. Tuesday on Howard Stern's show, Fox News host Megyn Kelly said, given the choice during the game "Marry, F***, Kill," that she would marry Sean Hannity, have sex with Bill O'Reilly, and kill Glenn Beck. Today, in a completely unrelated story, Sean Hannity said that he too would marry and have sex with Sean Hannity.
High five.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Insane In The McCain
1. On The O'Reilly Factor Tuesday, Senator John McCain agreed with a harsher new immigration bill in Arizona that critics say could lead to racial profiling. McCain says he doesn't want racial profiling but that cars with illegal immigrants are "intentionally causing accidents on the freeway." One illegal, however, said today that he wouldn't have gotten into that accident if McCain hadn't had his blinker on for the last 50 exits.
2. On Thursday, President Obama predicted that an American will land of Mars within his lifetime. Despite recent criticism, Obama says he hopes to have astronauts orbiting Mars by the 2030's and landing on the planet soon after. And then, said Obama, a complete revamping of NASA's Tang division.
3. In Florida, a judge is prepared to hear a case brought by multiple "Tea Party" political groups over who has the right to use the Tea Party name. His next case involves two men who both want the vanity license plate "I Love Hilter!"
4. Scott Baio's wife Renee is in hot water for calling the website Jezebel.com a "bunch of far left lesbian shitasses," after they made fun of her husband last week. "I have lesbian friends who couldn't be nicer," explained Renee. Lesbians across the nation, however, are conflicted on the issue: on one hand they don't at all approve of Renee's homophobic language, on the other hand, without Scott Baio, most lesbian hairstyles wouldn't exist today.
5. A new study by British researchers shows that brain exercises don't improve brain cognition in any way, despite a popular trend in brain strengthening games. The online experiment studied 11,000 participants over a 6 week period and concluded that subjects only improved on the individual tasks and not overall brain training. In other news, pornography site traffic shot up 100,000% today.
High five.
2. On Thursday, President Obama predicted that an American will land of Mars within his lifetime. Despite recent criticism, Obama says he hopes to have astronauts orbiting Mars by the 2030's and landing on the planet soon after. And then, said Obama, a complete revamping of NASA's Tang division.
3. In Florida, a judge is prepared to hear a case brought by multiple "Tea Party" political groups over who has the right to use the Tea Party name. His next case involves two men who both want the vanity license plate "I Love Hilter!"
4. Scott Baio's wife Renee is in hot water for calling the website Jezebel.com a "bunch of far left lesbian shitasses," after they made fun of her husband last week. "I have lesbian friends who couldn't be nicer," explained Renee. Lesbians across the nation, however, are conflicted on the issue: on one hand they don't at all approve of Renee's homophobic language, on the other hand, without Scott Baio, most lesbian hairstyles wouldn't exist today.
5. A new study by British researchers shows that brain exercises don't improve brain cognition in any way, despite a popular trend in brain strengthening games. The online experiment studied 11,000 participants over a 6 week period and concluded that subjects only improved on the individual tasks and not overall brain training. In other news, pornography site traffic shot up 100,000% today.
High five.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Photo High Five #14
After being criticized by Democrats for his lack of support on Wall Street reform, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell shows Democrats how he supports their mothers' heads when he makes out with them.
Mr. Ed-ucated
1. A 17 year old horse in Chino Hills, California is being touted as the world's smartest horse, with the ability to spell names as well as discern various shapes. In other news, scientists believe they may have discovered the secret to developing a smarter glue.
2. A missing 11 year old Florida girl was found alive after spending four nights in an alligator infested swampland. Alligator officials say the alligator responsible for the loss has been relieved of duty in the ongoing human-alligator wars.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke before 5,000 Tea Party members with a strong anti-tax message just a mile from the site where the original Boston Tea Party took place. "Is this what their 'change' is all about?" asked Palin. "We'll keep clinging to our Constitution and our guns and religion — and you can keep the change." God then dropped his 10ft pole and slowly backed away from the rally.
4. Some veteran astronauts are speaking out against President Obama's change in course for America's role in space exploration. Obama canceled a mission to return to the moon and wants the private sector to handle more space exploration. "It is the demise of American people in space except in someone else's vehicle," said former astronaut Eugene Cernan. Cernan then got into his new Japanese-made Honda Civic and drove away.
5. Glenn Beck has a new political thriller coming out soon called The Overton Window, and the conservative pundit is letting fans decide on the cover. So look for The Overton Window at your local bookstores -- it'll be the book with the giant sphincter on the front.
High five.
2. A missing 11 year old Florida girl was found alive after spending four nights in an alligator infested swampland. Alligator officials say the alligator responsible for the loss has been relieved of duty in the ongoing human-alligator wars.
3. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin spoke before 5,000 Tea Party members with a strong anti-tax message just a mile from the site where the original Boston Tea Party took place. "Is this what their 'change' is all about?" asked Palin. "We'll keep clinging to our Constitution and our guns and religion — and you can keep the change." God then dropped his 10ft pole and slowly backed away from the rally.
4. Some veteran astronauts are speaking out against President Obama's change in course for America's role in space exploration. Obama canceled a mission to return to the moon and wants the private sector to handle more space exploration. "It is the demise of American people in space except in someone else's vehicle," said former astronaut Eugene Cernan. Cernan then got into his new Japanese-made Honda Civic and drove away.
5. Glenn Beck has a new political thriller coming out soon called The Overton Window, and the conservative pundit is letting fans decide on the cover. So look for The Overton Window at your local bookstores -- it'll be the book with the giant sphincter on the front.
High five.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Becks and Balances
1. Last week, Glenn Beck told his listeners that President Obama will nominate a "gay-handicapped-black woman who's an immigrant" just to energize his base and make it tougher for critics to oppose. "They can't [get people back into their camp] without hatred and fear," said Beck. Beck then cut to an ad from his new sponsor, "Riot Inciter," the cologne for men who love America so much harder than they love you.
2. This week when asked if Kate Gosselin would ever be featured on the cover of Playboy, Hugh Hefner gave an emphatic "no," adding that he doesn't even know why she's on Dancing With the Stars. In other news, today Jon Gosselin was turned down for the cover of Little Debbie Weekly.
3. A 23 year old is accusing actor Steven Seagal of "sex trafficking" after being hired as an executive assistant only to find that she was expected to be a sex slave for him along with two other Russian women. Seagal's lawyer says the women is absurdly misrepresenting the reality of the situation. "I mean," said the lawyer, "I would hardly call him an actor."
4. MTV has asked the local police department for 8 to 10 off-duty officers for the house of the show Jersey Shore in Seaside Heights out of fear that people will want to fight the cast. MTV will pick up the tab on the security surrounding the residence. In future news, the cast of the Jersey Shore is dead today after killing each other over the last remaining bit of hair product.
5. More olive oil, nuts, fish, poultry and certain fruits and vegetables in your diet may help fight off Alzheimer's disease, says a new report. Researchers at the University of Columbia in New York said Monday that patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't. Not only that, but patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't.
High five.
2. This week when asked if Kate Gosselin would ever be featured on the cover of Playboy, Hugh Hefner gave an emphatic "no," adding that he doesn't even know why she's on Dancing With the Stars. In other news, today Jon Gosselin was turned down for the cover of Little Debbie Weekly.
3. A 23 year old is accusing actor Steven Seagal of "sex trafficking" after being hired as an executive assistant only to find that she was expected to be a sex slave for him along with two other Russian women. Seagal's lawyer says the women is absurdly misrepresenting the reality of the situation. "I mean," said the lawyer, "I would hardly call him an actor."
4. MTV has asked the local police department for 8 to 10 off-duty officers for the house of the show Jersey Shore in Seaside Heights out of fear that people will want to fight the cast. MTV will pick up the tab on the security surrounding the residence. In future news, the cast of the Jersey Shore is dead today after killing each other over the last remaining bit of hair product.
5. More olive oil, nuts, fish, poultry and certain fruits and vegetables in your diet may help fight off Alzheimer's disease, says a new report. Researchers at the University of Columbia in New York said Monday that patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't. Not only that, but patients with this diet had a 40% lower risk of developing the disease than those who didn't.
High five.
Monday, April 12, 2010
In The Tesh
1. In an interview on Monday, former Entertainment Tonight host and musician John Tesh said that he and Oprah dated for a brief period while working as reporters in Nashville. Tesh says Oprah brought a lot of understanding to the relationship, while he brought his music. This explains why their dates usually ended with crying.
2. After being accused of sexual assault for the second time in the past year, charges against NFL quarterback Ben Roethlisberger have been dropped. Ocmulgee, GA district attorney Fred Bright says they could not prove the sexual assault charges beyond a reasonable doubt. Experts however say the DA was simply afraid of Roethlisberger's very effective new defense lawyer, Pope Benedict XVI.
3. A skull found in South Africa that may be a missing link in human evolution may also contain what scientists believe is a shrunken brain, still somewhat intact. One explanation for the shrunken brain, say researchers, is that the early human was mummified leading the water loss in the brain, which then led to the brain shrinking. Scientists say this is likely, but that it also could be explained by Tea Party pamphlet found near the body.
4. Kevin Eubanks, band leader of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, has decided to retire after 18 years. Eubanks made the announcement Monday saying, "After 18 years of playing America into commercials, I'm gonna go somewhere where I can finish a song." Eubanks scheduled personal studio time for his band after Monday's show but was surprised to find Leno already waiting with some jams he wanted to explore on his key-tar.
5. Over the weekend, Sigourney Weaver told a Brazilian news site that James Cameron didn't win the Oscar for Best Director because he "didn't have breasts." Cameron lost to Hurt Locker director Katheryn Bigelow. Cameron read Weaver's comment while sitting on the same Hollywood effects stage he used for Avatar, and he laughed as he caressed a digital Oscar statue with breasts.
High five.
2. After being accused of sexual assault for the second time in the past year, charges against NFL quarterback Ben Roethlisberger have been dropped. Ocmulgee, GA district attorney Fred Bright says they could not prove the sexual assault charges beyond a reasonable doubt. Experts however say the DA was simply afraid of Roethlisberger's very effective new defense lawyer, Pope Benedict XVI.
3. A skull found in South Africa that may be a missing link in human evolution may also contain what scientists believe is a shrunken brain, still somewhat intact. One explanation for the shrunken brain, say researchers, is that the early human was mummified leading the water loss in the brain, which then led to the brain shrinking. Scientists say this is likely, but that it also could be explained by Tea Party pamphlet found near the body.
4. Kevin Eubanks, band leader of the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, has decided to retire after 18 years. Eubanks made the announcement Monday saying, "After 18 years of playing America into commercials, I'm gonna go somewhere where I can finish a song." Eubanks scheduled personal studio time for his band after Monday's show but was surprised to find Leno already waiting with some jams he wanted to explore on his key-tar.
5. Over the weekend, Sigourney Weaver told a Brazilian news site that James Cameron didn't win the Oscar for Best Director because he "didn't have breasts." Cameron lost to Hurt Locker director Katheryn Bigelow. Cameron read Weaver's comment while sitting on the same Hollywood effects stage he used for Avatar, and he laughed as he caressed a digital Oscar statue with breasts.
High five.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Gimme A Pee!
1. A group of Texas cheerleaders is in trouble after reportedly putting urine into a teammate's drink. Many of the girls responsible have been suspended by the school but all have been offered photo shoots by Hustler.
2. David Cross told TV.com recently that a movie version of the hit show Arrested Development "is not going to happen" and that too much time has gone by since the show's cancellation. "It's been years," says Cross. "Micheal Cera is 32 years old now." Experts agree that Cera can really only play the soft-spoken, but awkwardly rambling teenager for about 15 more years.
3. According to a recent Ipsos poll, 20% of people believe that aliens exist and that they walk among us disguised as humans. In future news, the Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann ticket did not succeed in winning the presidency today, but did manage to garner 20% of the vote.
4. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced his retirement on Friday, paving the way for President Obama to appoint a new judge in his place. Experts are not sure if Obama will nominate a more liberal judge as with the most recent Justice Sotomayor, or perhaps match the skill level of conservative Justice Samuel Alito with urine-soaked poop on a stick.
5. A solar-powered plane in Switzerland made a successful maiden flight on Wednesday, climbing nearly a mile into the sky at 28mph for 90 minutes. The plane is scheduled to attempt a round-the-world flight in 2012 without a single drop of fuel. That, say engineers, should allow them to reach the ultimate goal of using renewable energy to circumnavigate the Earth with a crying baby.
High five.
2. David Cross told TV.com recently that a movie version of the hit show Arrested Development "is not going to happen" and that too much time has gone by since the show's cancellation. "It's been years," says Cross. "Micheal Cera is 32 years old now." Experts agree that Cera can really only play the soft-spoken, but awkwardly rambling teenager for about 15 more years.
3. According to a recent Ipsos poll, 20% of people believe that aliens exist and that they walk among us disguised as humans. In future news, the Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann ticket did not succeed in winning the presidency today, but did manage to garner 20% of the vote.
4. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced his retirement on Friday, paving the way for President Obama to appoint a new judge in his place. Experts are not sure if Obama will nominate a more liberal judge as with the most recent Justice Sotomayor, or perhaps match the skill level of conservative Justice Samuel Alito with urine-soaked poop on a stick.
5. A solar-powered plane in Switzerland made a successful maiden flight on Wednesday, climbing nearly a mile into the sky at 28mph for 90 minutes. The plane is scheduled to attempt a round-the-world flight in 2012 without a single drop of fuel. That, say engineers, should allow them to reach the ultimate goal of using renewable energy to circumnavigate the Earth with a crying baby.
High five.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Nu, Clear-Headed Radioactivist
1. President Obama and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin have been sniping this week over the recent nuclear treaty with Russia. Obama called Palin "not much of an expert" after Palin said Obama was weak on nuclear defense. Palin then mocked the President, joking about "all the vast nuclear experience that he acquired as a community organizer." President Obama read Palin's comment this morning, sighed, then heated his coffee using the superpower he acquired during the tragic community organizer nuclear waste accident of 2002.
2. MTV announced Thursday that their hit show Jersey Shore will film the remainder of the second season in New Jersey after beginning initially in Miami. The state has prepared for their arrival by constructing an extra condom factory.
3. According to Forbes, Glenn Beck earned $32 million in 2009, thanks to books, radio, and speaking engagements. "We're an entertainment company," said Beck. "I could give a flying crap about the political process." ... Oh, I'm sorry, I just agreed with Glenn Beck and my head sunk into my chest cavity then exploded.
4. Reporter John Stossel said in an interview recently that his trademark mustache changed his life. "I had always looked younger," said Stossel. "When I was 21 I looked like a teenager... it sucked." But most importantly, says Stossel, the facial hair allowed him to keep his world's largest collection of "Free Mustache Rides" apparel.
5. On Thursday at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most radical president in American history." Newt Gingrich then shook hands with the crowd to the song "Eye Of The Tiger," a song remembered because of Rocky, originally a film about a white guy who loses to a black guy. Good luck, Mr. Gingrich.
High five.
2. MTV announced Thursday that their hit show Jersey Shore will film the remainder of the second season in New Jersey after beginning initially in Miami. The state has prepared for their arrival by constructing an extra condom factory.
3. According to Forbes, Glenn Beck earned $32 million in 2009, thanks to books, radio, and speaking engagements. "We're an entertainment company," said Beck. "I could give a flying crap about the political process." ... Oh, I'm sorry, I just agreed with Glenn Beck and my head sunk into my chest cavity then exploded.
4. Reporter John Stossel said in an interview recently that his trademark mustache changed his life. "I had always looked younger," said Stossel. "When I was 21 I looked like a teenager... it sucked." But most importantly, says Stossel, the facial hair allowed him to keep his world's largest collection of "Free Mustache Rides" apparel.
5. On Thursday at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most radical president in American history." Newt Gingrich then shook hands with the crowd to the song "Eye Of The Tiger," a song remembered because of Rocky, originally a film about a white guy who loses to a black guy. Good luck, Mr. Gingrich.
High five.
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