1. The Catholic League is reportedly very angry about a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David accidentally urinates on a painting of Jesus. Catholic League president Bill Donahue released a statement saying, "David's best years are behind him. He ought to quit while he's ahead." Weeks from now, after David apologizes, Donahue will run into David in a men's bathroom while David is inexplicably carrying a religious magazine out of a stall. Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music.
2. James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuums, has come up with a new product called the Air Multiplier, or a bladeless fan. The fan is said to "split flow in two and push it through a loop and out a slit, or annulus, all along the back, creating a jet stream that sucks in air for a very powerful and smooth flow." Experts say that while the bladeless fan has yet to be proven successful, with words like slit, annulus, sucks, flow, and stream, Dyson's partnership with the writers of Hustler is clearly paying off.
3. In a new CNN/Opinion Research poll, 7 in 10 Americans think that Sarah Palin is unqualified to be president of the United States. In other news, 3 in 10 Americans lack sufficient blood flow to the brain.
4. A Florida man says he was fired from his job at Home Depot for wearing a button that read, "One nation under God, indivisible." The company maintains that their dress code policy -- including no buttons that express religious beliefs -- is known to all employees. When asked why he applied for a job at Home Depot the man said, "Well, I figure foreigners gotta go somewhere to rebuild their houses we bombed."
5. On Wednesday, the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe received a batch of cupcakes, care of Dick Cheney, after co-host Mika Brzezisnski criticized Cheney's negative remarks about the current administration. The pronounceable Brzezisnski asked if it "was a good idea for the former vice-president, who was one of the architects of the war we are still in... to say the President is dithering." To be fair to Cheney, only one of the cupcakes contained a severed middle finger.
High five.
Showing posts with label Sarah Palin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarah Palin. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Walt Disney & Wal-Mart
1. This weekend Alaska Governor Sarah Palin finally stepped down from her post after announcing her plan to resign weeks ago. Palin said she wanted to take on political battles on a larger stage and avoid being an unproductive lame duck for Alaska. Palin then killed a duck.
2. On Sunday Justin Timberlake unveiled his newly renovated eco-friendly golf course, telling reporters that no one is happier about the "green" course than he is. Timberlake ex-girlfriend Britney Spears also did her part for the environment today when she decided to purchase underwear.
3. David Douglas of Cypress, Texas is celebrating this week after winning the Hemingway Look-Alike Contest in Key West, Florida. The event highlights a six day celebration honoring the famous American author and was entered by a record number of contestants. Though officials agree the increased entry was not because of Hemingway's growing popularity but likely due to the elimination of the suicide portion of the contest.
4. Wal-Mart has recently announced on its website that it will be offering a $300 laptop. In an effort to compete with Best Buy's laptop deals, Wal-Mart is featuring an affordable Compaq Presario with 3GB of RAM, a 160GB hard drive, and a stylish but sturdy chassis made from the bones of former Wal-Mart greeters.
5. The Walt Disney company is doing groundbreaking new research on how consumers respond to web ads. The most interesting results came from having men browse a fake ESPN.com littered with ads featuring swimsuit clad women. Researchers found that men were instantly drawn to the ads, but after five minutes had only a flaccid interest.
High five.
2. On Sunday Justin Timberlake unveiled his newly renovated eco-friendly golf course, telling reporters that no one is happier about the "green" course than he is. Timberlake ex-girlfriend Britney Spears also did her part for the environment today when she decided to purchase underwear.
3. David Douglas of Cypress, Texas is celebrating this week after winning the Hemingway Look-Alike Contest in Key West, Florida. The event highlights a six day celebration honoring the famous American author and was entered by a record number of contestants. Though officials agree the increased entry was not because of Hemingway's growing popularity but likely due to the elimination of the suicide portion of the contest.
4. Wal-Mart has recently announced on its website that it will be offering a $300 laptop. In an effort to compete with Best Buy's laptop deals, Wal-Mart is featuring an affordable Compaq Presario with 3GB of RAM, a 160GB hard drive, and a stylish but sturdy chassis made from the bones of former Wal-Mart greeters.
5. The Walt Disney company is doing groundbreaking new research on how consumers respond to web ads. The most interesting results came from having men browse a fake ESPN.com littered with ads featuring swimsuit clad women. Researchers found that men were instantly drawn to the ads, but after five minutes had only a flaccid interest.
High five.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Martian Healthcare & Ethics Law Violations Squared
1. In an interview Tuesday, NASA administrator Charles Bolden Jr. said that humans will definitely reach Mars during his lifetime. Bolden then theatrically drew back a curtain to reveal two astronauts planting an American flag on a poorly replicated Martian landscape. "Heh? ... Heh??" added Bolden.
2. During a heated national debate in the U.S. over healthcare, a new poll shows that Canadians generally like the healthcare they receive. While some are frustrated with long waits, 65% of Canadians say they have all the affordable healthcare they need, everything from simple checkups to the more complicated beaver hat replacement.
3. A new report today charges that Alaskan governor Sarah Palin may have violated ethics laws by taking money to pay of legal debts. No, you read correctly. Sarah Palin may be violating ethics laws to pay off legal debts resulting from possible violation of ethics laws. Do you think this is like porn to ethics law investigators?
4. Yahoo unveiled a new site design today, giving users nearly absolute customization ability. The company says it will take web surfers a short time to acclimate themselves to the redesign, but adds that the "Popular Searches" feature will remain so men quickly know what female celebrities have recently been caught naked.
5. With former NFL quarterback Michael Vick out of prison after serving 18 months for felony dog fighting charges, one question remains for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: Should Vick be reinstated with a goalpost-chained leash that is only 50 yards long, or will it go the full 100?
High five.
2. During a heated national debate in the U.S. over healthcare, a new poll shows that Canadians generally like the healthcare they receive. While some are frustrated with long waits, 65% of Canadians say they have all the affordable healthcare they need, everything from simple checkups to the more complicated beaver hat replacement.
3. A new report today charges that Alaskan governor Sarah Palin may have violated ethics laws by taking money to pay of legal debts. No, you read correctly. Sarah Palin may be violating ethics laws to pay off legal debts resulting from possible violation of ethics laws. Do you think this is like porn to ethics law investigators?
4. Yahoo unveiled a new site design today, giving users nearly absolute customization ability. The company says it will take web surfers a short time to acclimate themselves to the redesign, but adds that the "Popular Searches" feature will remain so men quickly know what female celebrities have recently been caught naked.
5. With former NFL quarterback Michael Vick out of prison after serving 18 months for felony dog fighting charges, one question remains for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: Should Vick be reinstated with a goalpost-chained leash that is only 50 yards long, or will it go the full 100?
High five.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Tear Gas & Retired Horses
1. On Wednesday, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shot down a resolution honoring the late Michael Jackson calling it unnecessary. Pelosi then granted a resolution naming red, white and blue Bomb Pops as America's Popsicle.
2. Figures show that Michael Jackson's memorial cost L.A. nearly $1.4 million dollars. Critics said they have no problem with the $1 million it cost to pay and feed police, but say dressing them all as Peter Pan seemed excessive.
3. Iranians took to the streets in protest this week shouting "death to the dictator." Protesters were met swiftly by Iranian police with tear gas and batons. In other news, the North Korean government is moving forward with its annual Arirang festival despite tense global relations. The celebration is expected to be met with tear gas and batons as well.
4. Sarah Palin's finances are being scrutinized now that she is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Palin and her husband reportedly have legal debts of more than $500,000 despite only making about $200,000 last year. Palin has many money making opportunities in the future, but experts say unfortunately she is too often paid in wolf pelts and Inuit weapons.
5. Today professional race horse "Pioneerof the Nile" was retired after the discovery of an injury to his left front leg. The horse's owners were saddened by the news but say fans will still be able to visit the horse in this child's grade school project of glitter and glue.
High five.
2. Figures show that Michael Jackson's memorial cost L.A. nearly $1.4 million dollars. Critics said they have no problem with the $1 million it cost to pay and feed police, but say dressing them all as Peter Pan seemed excessive.
3. Iranians took to the streets in protest this week shouting "death to the dictator." Protesters were met swiftly by Iranian police with tear gas and batons. In other news, the North Korean government is moving forward with its annual Arirang festival despite tense global relations. The celebration is expected to be met with tear gas and batons as well.
4. Sarah Palin's finances are being scrutinized now that she is stepping down as governor of Alaska. Palin and her husband reportedly have legal debts of more than $500,000 despite only making about $200,000 last year. Palin has many money making opportunities in the future, but experts say unfortunately she is too often paid in wolf pelts and Inuit weapons.
5. Today professional race horse "Pioneerof the Nile" was retired after the discovery of an injury to his left front leg. The horse's owners were saddened by the news but say fans will still be able to visit the horse in this child's grade school project of glitter and glue.
High five.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Sonia Sotomayor & Twittering Astronauts
1. Republican Senator Jeff Sessions is connecting Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor to a group he considers extreme. In an attempt to discredit the potential judge, Sessions said today, "I think Judge Sotomayor needs to explain her affiliation with this group known as PTA."
2. NASA is now using twitter during space missions, as astronaut Michael Massimino was the first person ever to Twitter in space. Following in the famous footsteps of Neil Armstrong's "giant leap," Massimino tweeted, "Space, lol!"
3. Sarah Palin announced today that she would be resigning as governor of Alaska July 26. Palin did not give a reason for the resignation, which leads many to believe she may run for president in 2012. However, experts all agree that this will give her plenty of time to shoot and kill stuff.
4. Today Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine said that Michael "went too soon," and that he wishes he had died in Michael's place. See? The results of that cryptic Jackson 5 fan club poll weren't as ridiculous as you thought they were.
5. Authorities are reporting that a powerful sedative was found in Michael Jackson's house the day he died, widening the mystery of the performer's death. When asked specifically what drug they had found, a police spokesperson replied, "Drug? Oh, no, it was a copy of Creed's latest CD." The album was removed from the premises by a bomb squad robot.
High five.
2. NASA is now using twitter during space missions, as astronaut Michael Massimino was the first person ever to Twitter in space. Following in the famous footsteps of Neil Armstrong's "giant leap," Massimino tweeted, "Space, lol!"
3. Sarah Palin announced today that she would be resigning as governor of Alaska July 26. Palin did not give a reason for the resignation, which leads many to believe she may run for president in 2012. However, experts all agree that this will give her plenty of time to shoot and kill stuff.
4. Today Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine said that Michael "went too soon," and that he wishes he had died in Michael's place. See? The results of that cryptic Jackson 5 fan club poll weren't as ridiculous as you thought they were.
5. Authorities are reporting that a powerful sedative was found in Michael Jackson's house the day he died, widening the mystery of the performer's death. When asked specifically what drug they had found, a police spokesperson replied, "Drug? Oh, no, it was a copy of Creed's latest CD." The album was removed from the premises by a bomb squad robot.
High five.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sarah Palin & Healthy Sperm
1. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said in a recent interview that in a head-to-head race with President Barack Obama she would win. Palin is featured in the latest issue of Runner's World Magazine and has been dubbed as the nation's "hottest" governor. Though, saying Palin is the hottest of all the U.S. governors is like saying Oprah is the hottest of all the female Black billionaires. Sorry, Vermont governor Jim Douglas...
2. A Florida man is facing battery charges after allegedly spraying his wife with the hose when she began smoking is the house. The man was taken to Martin County Jail and released after posting bail, but it's just nice to see Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown taking it down a notch.
3. New statistics are showing that 2/3 of American adults are considered overweight. Initially scientists thought the number would be higher but later hypothesized that fat people just look like more.
4. A study out of Australia shows that daily sex makes for healthier sperm. Dr. David Greening of a Sydney fertility center asked a group of 118 men to ejaculate everyday for a week, which resulted in increased sperm quality as the week went on. SCIENCE: Giving women fewer and fewer excuses to turn you down.
5. A new military photo of an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier is sweeping across the Internet. The phenomenon often -- but not always -- follows the sound barrier being broken. It can also be seen in other events when incredible speeds are reached such as during a nuclear blast, shortly after a space shuttle launch, and whenever Spencer or Heidi Pratt spot a camera.
High five.
2. A Florida man is facing battery charges after allegedly spraying his wife with the hose when she began smoking is the house. The man was taken to Martin County Jail and released after posting bail, but it's just nice to see Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown taking it down a notch.
3. New statistics are showing that 2/3 of American adults are considered overweight. Initially scientists thought the number would be higher but later hypothesized that fat people just look like more.
4. A study out of Australia shows that daily sex makes for healthier sperm. Dr. David Greening of a Sydney fertility center asked a group of 118 men to ejaculate everyday for a week, which resulted in increased sperm quality as the week went on. SCIENCE: Giving women fewer and fewer excuses to turn you down.
5. A new military photo of an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier is sweeping across the Internet. The phenomenon often -- but not always -- follows the sound barrier being broken. It can also be seen in other events when incredible speeds are reached such as during a nuclear blast, shortly after a space shuttle launch, and whenever Spencer or Heidi Pratt spot a camera.
High five.
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