1. On Sunday Arizona Senator John McCain said he was still unsure whether or not he would confirm Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. McCain voted against Sotomayor when she was nominated for the appeals court but did call her a great American success story. "Still," said McCain, "I need more info before pick this woman. I mean... has she ever shot a wolf from a helicopter?"
2. In an effort to bulk up his India rugby team, Coach Norman Laker has ordered his players to consume at least 15 eggs every day. Laker says that elite rugby players in his native South Africa eat seven meals a day. In related news, trying to bulk down, Oprah announced today that she will lay a least 15 eggs every day.
3. A Taipei man who lost his phone on July 24th snorkeling was shocked when the phone was found and returned to him in perfect working order. Reportedly a lifeguard found the phone and tracked the man down using his saved numbers. The man's only complaint was his ringtone being changed to the Baywatch theme.
4. On Monday, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton will shove off on a tour of Africa to tackle its most troubled spots, reinforcing the Obama administration's commitment to the region. When asked what areas of Africa she thought were most troubled, Clinton pulled out a map and awkwardly circled the entire African continent.
5. Steven Spielberg is slated to direct a remake of Jimmy Stewart's 1950 classic film Harvey, the story of a man who claims his best friend is a giant invisible rabbit. The studio says the film could be out as early as late 2010, though no one has yet been cast to reprise Stewart's role. Spielberg isn't saying how he'll handle the film's giant invisible rabbit, but Hollywood insiders say he'll probably just use the one Gary Busey talks to.
High five.
Showing posts with label Sonia Sotomayor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sonia Sotomayor. Show all posts
Monday, August 3, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Senator John Cornyn & Hatch The Mormon
1. On Friday, Michigan authorities discovered over 100 dogs living in the home of a mentally disabled man where living conditions were described as filthy and disastrous. Police were again shocked to discover nearly 150 deceased dogs in the man's basement freezer. "I don't know what to say," said the ill man, embarrassed. "If I had known their was company I would have put one in the fridge to thaw for later."
2. President Obama announced today a contest of sorts for states with ailing school systems. Obama promises $5 billion in grant money to states that toughen academic standards, maintain quality teachers, track student progress and turn around failing schools. Many schools have already jumped on board, but experts agree that nothing will help West Virginia's Barrel Bottom University.
3. Pastor Tony Alamo, who built his multimillion dollar Arkansas ministry from nothing, was convicted on Friday of taking 6 girls across state lines for sex. Alamo maintains his innocence, telling reporters, "I'm just another one of the prophets who went to jail for the Gospel." For those scoring at home, after 4.5 billion years, that's Earthly Crazies 500,408, 293... Earthly Prophets 0.
4. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Senator John Cornyn of Texas today announced that they will vote against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Cornyn, who was still undecided Thursday, said he couldn't vote for someone with such a "liberal, activist perspective." When asked by reporters what the logic was for his decision, Hatch laughed. "I'm Mormon," he said. "Get outta here with your logic."
5. Tennis great Roger Federer and wife Mirka gave birth to twin girls on Thursday. Though all ended well, the labor was reportedly very chaotic with Mirka shouting at Federer through the pain. As the first daughter emerged, Mirka yelled, "This is all your fault!" Shortly after, the second daughter arrived, at which point Mirka screamed, "Double fault!"
High five.
2. President Obama announced today a contest of sorts for states with ailing school systems. Obama promises $5 billion in grant money to states that toughen academic standards, maintain quality teachers, track student progress and turn around failing schools. Many schools have already jumped on board, but experts agree that nothing will help West Virginia's Barrel Bottom University.
3. Pastor Tony Alamo, who built his multimillion dollar Arkansas ministry from nothing, was convicted on Friday of taking 6 girls across state lines for sex. Alamo maintains his innocence, telling reporters, "I'm just another one of the prophets who went to jail for the Gospel." For those scoring at home, after 4.5 billion years, that's Earthly Crazies 500,408, 293... Earthly Prophets 0.
4. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Senator John Cornyn of Texas today announced that they will vote against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Cornyn, who was still undecided Thursday, said he couldn't vote for someone with such a "liberal, activist perspective." When asked by reporters what the logic was for his decision, Hatch laughed. "I'm Mormon," he said. "Get outta here with your logic."
5. Tennis great Roger Federer and wife Mirka gave birth to twin girls on Thursday. Though all ended well, the labor was reportedly very chaotic with Mirka shouting at Federer through the pain. As the first daughter emerged, Mirka yelled, "This is all your fault!" Shortly after, the second daughter arrived, at which point Mirka screamed, "Double fault!"
High five.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Taco Bell & Fringe Movements
1. The Taco Bell chihuahua, famous for uttering the phrase "Yo quiero Taco Bell" in so many TV ads, has died at the age of 15. The fast food company released a statement today saying they were saddened by the news. Like so many dogs before her, the chihuahua will be ceremoniously added to the Taco Bell ground beef.
2. It was announced Wednesday that Director Sam Raimi is signed on to direct a film adaptation of the online role playing game World of Warcraft. In keeping true to the nature of the game, Raimi says the film will be over 3,000 hours long and will end with your girlfriend dumping you.
3. This fall Whitney Houston is set to release her first album in nearly 7 years. I Look To You, she says, is a cathartic look at the recent troubles in her life, specifically her addiction to drugs. Houston has always denied using hardcore stimulants like crack, but critics note that her new album is a 700 disc set.
4. A new fringe movement of the Republican party is gaining some momentum. The Birthers take the stance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, does not have U.S. citizenship, and in turn cannot legally be president. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, media outlets continue to cover the story. "It's the same reason we show footage of Klan rallies," says an anonymous CEO. "After watching, you just feel tons better about yourself."
5. As Sonia Sotomayor nears confirmation for the Supreme Court, more and more Republican Senators are ready to approve what would be the court's first Hispanic. While some believe Sotomayor wowed GOP members with her centrist testimony, most experts agree it probably had something to do with all the affairs Republicans had with her.
High five.
2. It was announced Wednesday that Director Sam Raimi is signed on to direct a film adaptation of the online role playing game World of Warcraft. In keeping true to the nature of the game, Raimi says the film will be over 3,000 hours long and will end with your girlfriend dumping you.
3. This fall Whitney Houston is set to release her first album in nearly 7 years. I Look To You, she says, is a cathartic look at the recent troubles in her life, specifically her addiction to drugs. Houston has always denied using hardcore stimulants like crack, but critics note that her new album is a 700 disc set.
4. A new fringe movement of the Republican party is gaining some momentum. The Birthers take the stance that Barack Obama was not born in this country, does not have U.S. citizenship, and in turn cannot legally be president. Despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, media outlets continue to cover the story. "It's the same reason we show footage of Klan rallies," says an anonymous CEO. "After watching, you just feel tons better about yourself."
5. As Sonia Sotomayor nears confirmation for the Supreme Court, more and more Republican Senators are ready to approve what would be the court's first Hispanic. While some believe Sotomayor wowed GOP members with her centrist testimony, most experts agree it probably had something to do with all the affairs Republicans had with her.
High five.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tony Romo & Gosselin Reproduction
I apologize for no jokes on Thursday or Friday. Some might request a similar apology be included in every post. Rimshot. Oh, YOU. Too much. Anyway, I'm back on track. Prepare for hilarity...
1. A new study released by Keele University in England suggests that swearing actually helps ease pain. Scientists believe that cursing triggers a "fight or flight" response in your brain, better preparing your body. Hear that parents? So feel better about slapping your foul-mouthed kids.
2. Sources are reporting that football player Tony Romo has dumped singer Jessica Simpson just a day before her 29th birthday. The Cowboys quarterback says he wants to return to normal when he only ruined happy moments on the football field.
3. The concert merchandise that was set to be sold during Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour will still be sold says the merchandising company. The merch ranges from mugs and t-shirts to belt buckles and replica varsity style Thriller jackets. Originally items were emblazoned with the tour's title, "This Is It," but that has since been amended with "...Unless You Wanna Buy More!"
4. Today, the first day of the hearings concerning Supreme Court nomination Sonia Sotomayor got underway. All senators recognized the extreme likelihood that Sotomayor will be confirmed. "Unless you have a complete meltdown, you're going to get confirmed," said Republican Lindsey Graham. The senator then followed Republican protocol by having an affair with Sotomayor.
5. Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was with a new girlfriend in France this week, only a month after filing for divorce from wife Kate. Jon and girlfriend Hailey Glassman were spotted shopping and holding hands. Glassman however was unaware that Gosselin reproduced via mere touch and is currently expecting 27 children.
High five.
*****
1. A new study released by Keele University in England suggests that swearing actually helps ease pain. Scientists believe that cursing triggers a "fight or flight" response in your brain, better preparing your body. Hear that parents? So feel better about slapping your foul-mouthed kids.
2. Sources are reporting that football player Tony Romo has dumped singer Jessica Simpson just a day before her 29th birthday. The Cowboys quarterback says he wants to return to normal when he only ruined happy moments on the football field.
3. The concert merchandise that was set to be sold during Michael Jackson's "This Is It" tour will still be sold says the merchandising company. The merch ranges from mugs and t-shirts to belt buckles and replica varsity style Thriller jackets. Originally items were emblazoned with the tour's title, "This Is It," but that has since been amended with "...Unless You Wanna Buy More!"
4. Today, the first day of the hearings concerning Supreme Court nomination Sonia Sotomayor got underway. All senators recognized the extreme likelihood that Sotomayor will be confirmed. "Unless you have a complete meltdown, you're going to get confirmed," said Republican Lindsey Graham. The senator then followed Republican protocol by having an affair with Sotomayor.
5. Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 was with a new girlfriend in France this week, only a month after filing for divorce from wife Kate. Jon and girlfriend Hailey Glassman were spotted shopping and holding hands. Glassman however was unaware that Gosselin reproduced via mere touch and is currently expecting 27 children.
High five.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Sonia Sotomayor & Twittering Astronauts
1. Republican Senator Jeff Sessions is connecting Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor to a group he considers extreme. In an attempt to discredit the potential judge, Sessions said today, "I think Judge Sotomayor needs to explain her affiliation with this group known as PTA."
2. NASA is now using twitter during space missions, as astronaut Michael Massimino was the first person ever to Twitter in space. Following in the famous footsteps of Neil Armstrong's "giant leap," Massimino tweeted, "Space, lol!"
3. Sarah Palin announced today that she would be resigning as governor of Alaska July 26. Palin did not give a reason for the resignation, which leads many to believe she may run for president in 2012. However, experts all agree that this will give her plenty of time to shoot and kill stuff.
4. Today Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine said that Michael "went too soon," and that he wishes he had died in Michael's place. See? The results of that cryptic Jackson 5 fan club poll weren't as ridiculous as you thought they were.
5. Authorities are reporting that a powerful sedative was found in Michael Jackson's house the day he died, widening the mystery of the performer's death. When asked specifically what drug they had found, a police spokesperson replied, "Drug? Oh, no, it was a copy of Creed's latest CD." The album was removed from the premises by a bomb squad robot.
High five.
2. NASA is now using twitter during space missions, as astronaut Michael Massimino was the first person ever to Twitter in space. Following in the famous footsteps of Neil Armstrong's "giant leap," Massimino tweeted, "Space, lol!"
3. Sarah Palin announced today that she would be resigning as governor of Alaska July 26. Palin did not give a reason for the resignation, which leads many to believe she may run for president in 2012. However, experts all agree that this will give her plenty of time to shoot and kill stuff.
4. Today Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine said that Michael "went too soon," and that he wishes he had died in Michael's place. See? The results of that cryptic Jackson 5 fan club poll weren't as ridiculous as you thought they were.
5. Authorities are reporting that a powerful sedative was found in Michael Jackson's house the day he died, widening the mystery of the performer's death. When asked specifically what drug they had found, a police spokesperson replied, "Drug? Oh, no, it was a copy of Creed's latest CD." The album was removed from the premises by a bomb squad robot.
High five.
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