1. In an interview Tuesday, NASA administrator Charles Bolden Jr. said that humans will definitely reach Mars during his lifetime. Bolden then theatrically drew back a curtain to reveal two astronauts planting an American flag on a poorly replicated Martian landscape. "Heh? ... Heh??" added Bolden.
2. During a heated national debate in the U.S. over healthcare, a new poll shows that Canadians generally like the healthcare they receive. While some are frustrated with long waits, 65% of Canadians say they have all the affordable healthcare they need, everything from simple checkups to the more complicated beaver hat replacement.
3. A new report today charges that Alaskan governor Sarah Palin may have violated ethics laws by taking money to pay of legal debts. No, you read correctly. Sarah Palin may be violating ethics laws to pay off legal debts resulting from possible violation of ethics laws. Do you think this is like porn to ethics law investigators?
4. Yahoo unveiled a new site design today, giving users nearly absolute customization ability. The company says it will take web surfers a short time to acclimate themselves to the redesign, but adds that the "Popular Searches" feature will remain so men quickly know what female celebrities have recently been caught naked.
5. With former NFL quarterback Michael Vick out of prison after serving 18 months for felony dog fighting charges, one question remains for NFL commissioner Roger Goodell: Should Vick be reinstated with a goalpost-chained leash that is only 50 yards long, or will it go the full 100?
High five.
Showing posts with label NASA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label NASA. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Peepholes & Concealed Weapons
1. Today the California legislature reached an agreement to close the state's $26 billion budget gap. The state representatives worked through the night but at long last agreed on a workable solution, detonating a nuclear warhead within the San Andrea's fault and sending California to the bottom of the Pacific.
2. Senator John Thune of South Dakota is proposing an amendment to a military bill that would allow people to carry concealed weapons across state lines. Police experts say concealed weapons are very difficult to detect, but perhaps not nearly as difficult as detecting Senator Thune's concealed intelligence.
3. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that he plans to increase the size of the U.S. military by 22,000. When asked what kind of new ad campaign the military was planning to meet these recruitment numbers, Gates replied, "Ban abortion."
4. ESPN reporter Erin Andrews is taking legal action after a video of her walking naked in her hotel room surfaced on the internet, apparently filmed through a peephole. Andrews' attorney is working with authorities to catch the culprits. In other news, a naked Star Jones drilled a 6 foot hole in her hotel room wall.
5. NASA released images today showing a scar on Jupiter, suggesting it was hit by some unidentified object. Some scientists say a comet struck the gas giant, but other experts contend the impact was caused by Earth's massive boner after viewing the Erin Andrews video. Watch out for Uranus.
High five.
2. Senator John Thune of South Dakota is proposing an amendment to a military bill that would allow people to carry concealed weapons across state lines. Police experts say concealed weapons are very difficult to detect, but perhaps not nearly as difficult as detecting Senator Thune's concealed intelligence.
3. Defense Secretary Robert Gates said that he plans to increase the size of the U.S. military by 22,000. When asked what kind of new ad campaign the military was planning to meet these recruitment numbers, Gates replied, "Ban abortion."
4. ESPN reporter Erin Andrews is taking legal action after a video of her walking naked in her hotel room surfaced on the internet, apparently filmed through a peephole. Andrews' attorney is working with authorities to catch the culprits. In other news, a naked Star Jones drilled a 6 foot hole in her hotel room wall.
5. NASA released images today showing a scar on Jupiter, suggesting it was hit by some unidentified object. Some scientists say a comet struck the gas giant, but other experts contend the impact was caused by Earth's massive boner after viewing the Erin Andrews video. Watch out for Uranus.
High five.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Drug Revenue & Moon Footage Special Edition
1. On Thursday NASA unveiled newly refurbished video of the moon landing. The original footage of the historic event was lost and, after a 3 year search, is now thought to have been erased. With the help of Hollywood studios, NASA instead sharpened the TV broadcast of the event, saying it doesn't look new, just better than before. Note to self: when Jesus comes back, don't let NASA film Jesus.
2. California officials are considering a new bill which would legalize, tax and regulate marijuana in the state, bringing in almost $1.4 billion in revenue. California is suffering from its worst budget deficit in history -- about $26 billion -- and are searching for revenue opportunities. Now you know the economy is all screwed up. We actually need drugs to get money.
3. A man in Georgia is out of prison today after spending a year in prison for not paying child support on a child that DNA now proves isn't even his. Basically, that kid you see crying and screaming in the movie theater or on the airplane or in the grocery store? He may as well have devil horns and a goatee now.
4. Harbour National Park in Sydney, Australia is trying to discover the identity of a predator that is killing off the local penguin population. Officials believe the predator to be some breed of dog or fox and have set up traps to catch the beast, including two sharp shooting snipers with night vision goggles. "We'll get the culprit," says Hollywood director and new park ranger Michael Bay.
5. A new study by the Royal Veterinary University in London shows that jockeys actually make their horses run faster by the way they position themselves on the animal. "The horse supports the jockey but doesn't need to carry his weight through each stride," says researcher Alan Wilson. "Also, it helps to have the horse constantly chased by a truck full of glue."
High five.
2. California officials are considering a new bill which would legalize, tax and regulate marijuana in the state, bringing in almost $1.4 billion in revenue. California is suffering from its worst budget deficit in history -- about $26 billion -- and are searching for revenue opportunities. Now you know the economy is all screwed up. We actually need drugs to get money.
3. A man in Georgia is out of prison today after spending a year in prison for not paying child support on a child that DNA now proves isn't even his. Basically, that kid you see crying and screaming in the movie theater or on the airplane or in the grocery store? He may as well have devil horns and a goatee now.
4. Harbour National Park in Sydney, Australia is trying to discover the identity of a predator that is killing off the local penguin population. Officials believe the predator to be some breed of dog or fox and have set up traps to catch the beast, including two sharp shooting snipers with night vision goggles. "We'll get the culprit," says Hollywood director and new park ranger Michael Bay.
5. A new study by the Royal Veterinary University in London shows that jockeys actually make their horses run faster by the way they position themselves on the animal. "The horse supports the jockey but doesn't need to carry his weight through each stride," says researcher Alan Wilson. "Also, it helps to have the horse constantly chased by a truck full of glue."
High five.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Sonia Sotomayor & Twittering Astronauts
1. Republican Senator Jeff Sessions is connecting Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor to a group he considers extreme. In an attempt to discredit the potential judge, Sessions said today, "I think Judge Sotomayor needs to explain her affiliation with this group known as PTA."
2. NASA is now using twitter during space missions, as astronaut Michael Massimino was the first person ever to Twitter in space. Following in the famous footsteps of Neil Armstrong's "giant leap," Massimino tweeted, "Space, lol!"
3. Sarah Palin announced today that she would be resigning as governor of Alaska July 26. Palin did not give a reason for the resignation, which leads many to believe she may run for president in 2012. However, experts all agree that this will give her plenty of time to shoot and kill stuff.
4. Today Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine said that Michael "went too soon," and that he wishes he had died in Michael's place. See? The results of that cryptic Jackson 5 fan club poll weren't as ridiculous as you thought they were.
5. Authorities are reporting that a powerful sedative was found in Michael Jackson's house the day he died, widening the mystery of the performer's death. When asked specifically what drug they had found, a police spokesperson replied, "Drug? Oh, no, it was a copy of Creed's latest CD." The album was removed from the premises by a bomb squad robot.
High five.
2. NASA is now using twitter during space missions, as astronaut Michael Massimino was the first person ever to Twitter in space. Following in the famous footsteps of Neil Armstrong's "giant leap," Massimino tweeted, "Space, lol!"
3. Sarah Palin announced today that she would be resigning as governor of Alaska July 26. Palin did not give a reason for the resignation, which leads many to believe she may run for president in 2012. However, experts all agree that this will give her plenty of time to shoot and kill stuff.
4. Today Michael Jackson's brother Jermaine said that Michael "went too soon," and that he wishes he had died in Michael's place. See? The results of that cryptic Jackson 5 fan club poll weren't as ridiculous as you thought they were.
5. Authorities are reporting that a powerful sedative was found in Michael Jackson's house the day he died, widening the mystery of the performer's death. When asked specifically what drug they had found, a police spokesperson replied, "Drug? Oh, no, it was a copy of Creed's latest CD." The album was removed from the premises by a bomb squad robot.
High five.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Mark Sanford & Pubescent Galaxies
1. The Academy of Motion Pictures announced Wednesday that it will double the number of Best Picture nominees, increasing it to 10 films. The news was met with skepticism as to the intentions behind the move -- whether to increase inclusion or increase profits. More puzzling however was the announcement that 1 of the 10 films nominated must include Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
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