1. A Chicago company is making diamonds out of a lock of Michael Jackson's hair. LifeGem says they heat the hair up to 5,400 degrees, reduce it to carbon and then use the carbon to produce diamonds. Ten diamonds will be made and customers will be able to mount the stones however they wish, though the CEO acknowledges that using them to make jewelry for children would kind of creep him out.
2. Scientists at Oxford University say they have created another state of matter aside from the classic solid, liquid, and gas states. Researchers achieved the state, which they call "transparent aluminum," by focusing a high energy laser on a slice of aluminum. At that temperature the aluminum appeared transparent for approximately 40 quadrillionths of a second. But, the scientists add, when you're aiming the laser at the aluminum walls of a women's public shower, it's the "best 40 quadrillionths of a second ever!"
3. On Thursday, President Obama and VP Biden mediated between black Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and white Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley a week after the two were involved in a racially charged arrest incident. The four chatted over beer and talked of moving forward. Yes, because nothing raises the level of discourse and squashes ignorance like injecting alcohol into a conversation.
4. Yesterday, former top White House advisor Karl Rove finished two days of testimony in front of House Judiciary Committee investigators concerning the removal of certain U.S. prosecutors. Rove maintains that he played only a small role in the prosecutor firings. Rove then retreated to his bunker in Berlin where he shot himself.
5. Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata will be returning to Earth on Friday wearing the same hi-tech underwear he's had on for the last month. The experimental undies designed in Japan specifically for space travel are said to be completely odor free. Other astronauts aboard the station were unaware of the experiment saying they had no idea anything was different, except of course for Wakata's month-old, 20 pound, garbage bag-sized ass.
High five.
Showing posts with label President Obama. Show all posts
Showing posts with label President Obama. Show all posts
Friday, July 31, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Senator John Cornyn & Hatch The Mormon
1. On Friday, Michigan authorities discovered over 100 dogs living in the home of a mentally disabled man where living conditions were described as filthy and disastrous. Police were again shocked to discover nearly 150 deceased dogs in the man's basement freezer. "I don't know what to say," said the ill man, embarrassed. "If I had known their was company I would have put one in the fridge to thaw for later."
2. President Obama announced today a contest of sorts for states with ailing school systems. Obama promises $5 billion in grant money to states that toughen academic standards, maintain quality teachers, track student progress and turn around failing schools. Many schools have already jumped on board, but experts agree that nothing will help West Virginia's Barrel Bottom University.
3. Pastor Tony Alamo, who built his multimillion dollar Arkansas ministry from nothing, was convicted on Friday of taking 6 girls across state lines for sex. Alamo maintains his innocence, telling reporters, "I'm just another one of the prophets who went to jail for the Gospel." For those scoring at home, after 4.5 billion years, that's Earthly Crazies 500,408, 293... Earthly Prophets 0.
4. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Senator John Cornyn of Texas today announced that they will vote against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Cornyn, who was still undecided Thursday, said he couldn't vote for someone with such a "liberal, activist perspective." When asked by reporters what the logic was for his decision, Hatch laughed. "I'm Mormon," he said. "Get outta here with your logic."
5. Tennis great Roger Federer and wife Mirka gave birth to twin girls on Thursday. Though all ended well, the labor was reportedly very chaotic with Mirka shouting at Federer through the pain. As the first daughter emerged, Mirka yelled, "This is all your fault!" Shortly after, the second daughter arrived, at which point Mirka screamed, "Double fault!"
High five.
2. President Obama announced today a contest of sorts for states with ailing school systems. Obama promises $5 billion in grant money to states that toughen academic standards, maintain quality teachers, track student progress and turn around failing schools. Many schools have already jumped on board, but experts agree that nothing will help West Virginia's Barrel Bottom University.
3. Pastor Tony Alamo, who built his multimillion dollar Arkansas ministry from nothing, was convicted on Friday of taking 6 girls across state lines for sex. Alamo maintains his innocence, telling reporters, "I'm just another one of the prophets who went to jail for the Gospel." For those scoring at home, after 4.5 billion years, that's Earthly Crazies 500,408, 293... Earthly Prophets 0.
4. Senator Orrin Hatch of Utah and Senator John Cornyn of Texas today announced that they will vote against Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Cornyn, who was still undecided Thursday, said he couldn't vote for someone with such a "liberal, activist perspective." When asked by reporters what the logic was for his decision, Hatch laughed. "I'm Mormon," he said. "Get outta here with your logic."
5. Tennis great Roger Federer and wife Mirka gave birth to twin girls on Thursday. Though all ended well, the labor was reportedly very chaotic with Mirka shouting at Federer through the pain. As the first daughter emerged, Mirka yelled, "This is all your fault!" Shortly after, the second daughter arrived, at which point Mirka screamed, "Double fault!"
High five.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Five Jokes Dedicated To My Friend Joe Mayew
Sadly, a good friend of mine passed away today. It's very hard to be funny when things like this happen. Perhaps that means it's too soon. But this is the only thing I'm really that good at, and if I can devote time to something I'm passionate about in memory of him, then I think it's something he would have appreciated. Plus, Joe was one of the funnier guys I've ever met. Always positive, always friendly, always in the mood for a laugh. These are 100% for you, Joe (especially #5).
*****
1. Today President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev agreed to cut their countries' respective nuclear stockpiles. No one was more eager than Medvedev who signed the agreement with one hand, passed Obama a pen with his second hand, and waved to the crowd enthusiastically with yet another hand.
2. On Monday, the British Library announced that the world's oldest, most complete Christian Bible, the Codex Sinaiticus, would be available for viewing online. However, British Library scholars note that, in the tradition of Christian Bibles, they've left plenty of room for editing.
3. Police in the Urumqi, China say they have restored order after violence erupted in the western Chinese province, leaving 156 dead at the hands of the police. Chinese police were quiet about what exactly started the incident, but today double underlined city signs that read, "No Merriment Allowed."
4. JJ Hendricks has paid $17,500 for a Nintendo game called Nintendo World Championships, much to the disappointment of his wife. The game, often called the Holy Grail of game collecting, gives players just 6 minutes and 21 seconds to go through segments of Super Mario Bros., Tetris, and Rad Racer. Hendricks says he has already beaten the game in under five minutes, giving him plenty of for intimacy with his wife. Still, Hendricks remains unsure what to do with the remaining 21 seconds.
5. A prisoner in the Canary Islands was foiled by Spanish police after he attempted to use a 4-meter zeppelin to bring him climbing equipment and night vision goggles. Police have released this photo of the man...
High five, Joe.
*****
1. Today President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev agreed to cut their countries' respective nuclear stockpiles. No one was more eager than Medvedev who signed the agreement with one hand, passed Obama a pen with his second hand, and waved to the crowd enthusiastically with yet another hand.
2. On Monday, the British Library announced that the world's oldest, most complete Christian Bible, the Codex Sinaiticus, would be available for viewing online. However, British Library scholars note that, in the tradition of Christian Bibles, they've left plenty of room for editing.
3. Police in the Urumqi, China say they have restored order after violence erupted in the western Chinese province, leaving 156 dead at the hands of the police. Chinese police were quiet about what exactly started the incident, but today double underlined city signs that read, "No Merriment Allowed."
4. JJ Hendricks has paid $17,500 for a Nintendo game called Nintendo World Championships, much to the disappointment of his wife. The game, often called the Holy Grail of game collecting, gives players just 6 minutes and 21 seconds to go through segments of Super Mario Bros., Tetris, and Rad Racer. Hendricks says he has already beaten the game in under five minutes, giving him plenty of for intimacy with his wife. Still, Hendricks remains unsure what to do with the remaining 21 seconds.
5. A prisoner in the Canary Islands was foiled by Spanish police after he attempted to use a 4-meter zeppelin to bring him climbing equipment and night vision goggles. Police have released this photo of the man...
High five, Joe.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sarah Palin & Healthy Sperm
1. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said in a recent interview that in a head-to-head race with President Barack Obama she would win. Palin is featured in the latest issue of Runner's World Magazine and has been dubbed as the nation's "hottest" governor. Though, saying Palin is the hottest of all the U.S. governors is like saying Oprah is the hottest of all the female Black billionaires. Sorry, Vermont governor Jim Douglas...
2. A Florida man is facing battery charges after allegedly spraying his wife with the hose when she began smoking is the house. The man was taken to Martin County Jail and released after posting bail, but it's just nice to see Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown taking it down a notch.
3. New statistics are showing that 2/3 of American adults are considered overweight. Initially scientists thought the number would be higher but later hypothesized that fat people just look like more.
4. A study out of Australia shows that daily sex makes for healthier sperm. Dr. David Greening of a Sydney fertility center asked a group of 118 men to ejaculate everyday for a week, which resulted in increased sperm quality as the week went on. SCIENCE: Giving women fewer and fewer excuses to turn you down.
5. A new military photo of an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier is sweeping across the Internet. The phenomenon often -- but not always -- follows the sound barrier being broken. It can also be seen in other events when incredible speeds are reached such as during a nuclear blast, shortly after a space shuttle launch, and whenever Spencer or Heidi Pratt spot a camera.
High five.
2. A Florida man is facing battery charges after allegedly spraying his wife with the hose when she began smoking is the house. The man was taken to Martin County Jail and released after posting bail, but it's just nice to see Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown taking it down a notch.
3. New statistics are showing that 2/3 of American adults are considered overweight. Initially scientists thought the number would be higher but later hypothesized that fat people just look like more.
4. A study out of Australia shows that daily sex makes for healthier sperm. Dr. David Greening of a Sydney fertility center asked a group of 118 men to ejaculate everyday for a week, which resulted in increased sperm quality as the week went on. SCIENCE: Giving women fewer and fewer excuses to turn you down.
5. A new military photo of an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier is sweeping across the Internet. The phenomenon often -- but not always -- follows the sound barrier being broken. It can also be seen in other events when incredible speeds are reached such as during a nuclear blast, shortly after a space shuttle launch, and whenever Spencer or Heidi Pratt spot a camera.
High five.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Michael Jackson & Strip Searches
1. The White House announced today that President Obama would nominate former Bush administration official Meredith Attwell Baker to a Republican seat on the FCC. Meanwhile, Meredith Vieira remains optimistic that Obama will honor her request to be Secretary of Dimly Lit Game Show Stages.
2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."
3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.
4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.
5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.
High five.
2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."
3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.
4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.
5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.
High five.
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