Karl Rove & Astronaut Undies

1. A Chicago company is making diamonds out of a lock of Michael Jackson's hair. LifeGem says they heat the hair up to 5,400 degrees, reduce it to carbon and then use the carbon to produce diamonds. Ten diamonds will be made and customers will be able to mount the stones however they wish, though the CEO acknowledges that using them to make jewelry for children would kind of creep him out.

2. Scientists at Oxford University say they have created another state of matter aside from the classic solid, liquid, and gas states. Researchers achieved the state, which they call "transparent aluminum," by focusing a high energy laser on a slice of aluminum. At that temperature the aluminum appeared transparent for approximately 40 quadrillionths of a second. But, the scientists add, when you're aiming the laser at the aluminum walls of a women's public shower, it's the "best 40 quadrillionths of a second ever!"

3. On Thursday, President Obama and VP Biden mediated between black Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. and white Cambridge police Sgt. James Crowley a week after the two were involved in a racially charged arrest incident. The four chatted over beer and talked of moving forward. Yes, because nothing raises the level of discourse and squashes ignorance like injecting alcohol into a conversation.

4. Yesterday, former top White House advisor Karl Rove finished two days of testimony in front of House Judiciary Committee investigators concerning the removal of certain U.S. prosecutors. Rove maintains that he played only a small role in the prosecutor firings. Rove then retreated to his bunker in Berlin where he shot himself.

5. Japanese astronaut Koichi Wakata will be returning to Earth on Friday wearing the same hi-tech underwear he's had on for the last month. The experimental undies designed in Japan specifically for space travel are said to be completely odor free. Other astronauts aboard the station were unaware of the experiment saying they had no idea anything was different, except of course for Wakata's month-old, 20 pound, garbage bag-sized ass.

High five.

Beastie Boy Cancer & The Weinermobile

1. The Oscar Mayer Weinermobile crashed into a Wisconsin home on Friday after the driver mistakenly thought she was in reverse. No one was injured, but her back door did incur minor damage.



2. The world's oldest man, a 113 year old WWI veteran, died this week, attributing his longevity to "cigarettes, whiskey, and wild, wild women." I'm sorry you probably couldn't hear yourself read over the thousands of college guys who just vindicated their weekend.

3. Astronauts this weekend installed a porch on Japan's giant space station lab. The attachment will be used for experiments mainly but astronauts joked that they may use it to people watch. The scientist then interrupted the interview to yell, "Get the fuck off my space lawn, you goddamn kids!"

4. Barnes & Noble reported today that they will be opening an electronic bookstore to compete with Amazon. The company says customers will find the experience much like there real stores. For instance, men will be notified when an attractive girl is online so they can close their book of redneck jokes and go quickly to the philosophy section.

5. Adam Yauch, "MCA" of the rap group the Beastie Boys, announced on his website that he had a very treatable form of cancer. Yauch, joined by fellow members "Ad-Rock" and "Mike D," was noticably positive saying...

Yo fuck this cancer, that shit is WHACK!
Gonna beat this tumor and that's a FACT!
Watch out fools who think your cancerOUS!
Ad-Rock and Mike D are truly dangerOUS!
My name's MCA, I'm a cancer domiNATOR!
Here's Mix Master Mike and his funky crossFADER!

High five.