1. German engineers say they have created a battery that can be printed like a silk-screened shirt. The battery weighs less than a gram, is less than a millimeter thick, and can generate voltage similar to a AAA battery. Oh, Germans... trying so hard to make us forget Hitler.
2. A New Jersey man was attacked by a bear in his driveway this week after the animal apparently smelled a sandwich in the man's car. The man did not sustain major injuries and walked away mostly unharmed. However, in the bear's defense, the man was eating a bear sandwich.
3. The Sears Tower unveiled its new 103rd floor glass balcony on Wednesday, giving visitors the feeling of floating on air 1,300 feet above the ground. Designers of "The Ledge" were particularly proud of the work they had done to guarantee a genuine experience. Said Sears Tower property owner John Huston, "We talked to a lot of junkies."
4. The U.S. Congressional Research Service said today that a missile launched by North Korea could theoretically reach Hawaii. However, experts point out that the launch would need to be perfect and such a missile is as likely to hit water as it is land. In a statement released this afternoon, a group of mutant, water-breathing Hawaiians said, "Shit."
5. After Transformers star Megan Fox insinuated in an interview that the latest installment was hardly Shakespeare, Director Michael Bay retorted that Fox still had "a lot of growing up to do." Bay then announced plans to do a Romeo & Juliet remake. The director said that in his version Juliet will have "way bigger jugs," but the two lovers will still die in the end... of explosion.
High five.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sarah Palin & Healthy Sperm
1. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said in a recent interview that in a head-to-head race with President Barack Obama she would win. Palin is featured in the latest issue of Runner's World Magazine and has been dubbed as the nation's "hottest" governor. Though, saying Palin is the hottest of all the U.S. governors is like saying Oprah is the hottest of all the female Black billionaires. Sorry, Vermont governor Jim Douglas...
2. A Florida man is facing battery charges after allegedly spraying his wife with the hose when she began smoking is the house. The man was taken to Martin County Jail and released after posting bail, but it's just nice to see Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown taking it down a notch.
3. New statistics are showing that 2/3 of American adults are considered overweight. Initially scientists thought the number would be higher but later hypothesized that fat people just look like more.
4. A study out of Australia shows that daily sex makes for healthier sperm. Dr. David Greening of a Sydney fertility center asked a group of 118 men to ejaculate everyday for a week, which resulted in increased sperm quality as the week went on. SCIENCE: Giving women fewer and fewer excuses to turn you down.
5. A new military photo of an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier is sweeping across the Internet. The phenomenon often -- but not always -- follows the sound barrier being broken. It can also be seen in other events when incredible speeds are reached such as during a nuclear blast, shortly after a space shuttle launch, and whenever Spencer or Heidi Pratt spot a camera.
High five.
2. A Florida man is facing battery charges after allegedly spraying his wife with the hose when she began smoking is the house. The man was taken to Martin County Jail and released after posting bail, but it's just nice to see Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown taking it down a notch.
3. New statistics are showing that 2/3 of American adults are considered overweight. Initially scientists thought the number would be higher but later hypothesized that fat people just look like more.
4. A study out of Australia shows that daily sex makes for healthier sperm. Dr. David Greening of a Sydney fertility center asked a group of 118 men to ejaculate everyday for a week, which resulted in increased sperm quality as the week went on. SCIENCE: Giving women fewer and fewer excuses to turn you down.
5. A new military photo of an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier is sweeping across the Internet. The phenomenon often -- but not always -- follows the sound barrier being broken. It can also be seen in other events when incredible speeds are reached such as during a nuclear blast, shortly after a space shuttle launch, and whenever Spencer or Heidi Pratt spot a camera.
High five.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Billy Mays & Mind-Reading Wheelchairs
1. Billy Mays, renowned television pitchman who brought you products such as Mighty Putty and OxiClean, has passed away at the age of 50. Mays' funeral is open to the public, but call to make reservations. Call within the next 10 minutes and you'll be invited to a second funeral of your choice, absolutely free.
2. An autopsy for TV pitchman Billy Mays is scheduled as details of his death remain a mystery. Coroners performing the autopsy say it will likely take a number of weeks but that it would be much longer if not for Billy Mays' new "Autops-EZ!"
3. Iraqis celebrated with fireworks today as American troops handed over security to Iraqi forces. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki declared a national holiday and June 30 as "National Sovereignty Day." 500,000 people were killed in the celebration.
4. Authorities say a recent photo of Kim Jong Il may be recycled from an earlier appearance, leading many to believe his health is worsening. Furthermore, experts say Kim's hair may have been recycled from a much younger photograph of the dictator, leading many to believe that his toupee has been dead for some time.
5. Using Mattel toy technology, Toyota has developed a mind-reading wheelchair that moves according to the user's will. Testing of the product however was unsuccessful as most users attempted to will the scientists to fix their disabled legs.
High five.
2. An autopsy for TV pitchman Billy Mays is scheduled as details of his death remain a mystery. Coroners performing the autopsy say it will likely take a number of weeks but that it would be much longer if not for Billy Mays' new "Autops-EZ!"
3. Iraqis celebrated with fireworks today as American troops handed over security to Iraqi forces. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki declared a national holiday and June 30 as "National Sovereignty Day." 500,000 people were killed in the celebration.
4. Authorities say a recent photo of Kim Jong Il may be recycled from an earlier appearance, leading many to believe his health is worsening. Furthermore, experts say Kim's hair may have been recycled from a much younger photograph of the dictator, leading many to believe that his toupee has been dead for some time.
5. Using Mattel toy technology, Toyota has developed a mind-reading wheelchair that moves according to the user's will. Testing of the product however was unsuccessful as most users attempted to will the scientists to fix their disabled legs.
High five.
Friday, June 26, 2009
ADHD & Captured Memories
1. While people mourn the death of both Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, Jeff Goldblum is alive and well after reports circulated the Internet that he had also died. Goldblum's rep released a statement saying the actor is in fact fine, but did receive his usual daily mail bag of death threats.
2. It was reported today that the Jackson family would like a second autopsy done on superstar Michael Jackson after many questions have been raised concerning his death. However, the coroner's office released a statement today saying they don't have a 50 year old Black man in their possession, only what looks to be a much older Chinese lady.
3. A student is getting life in prison after killing another man over a Playstation. Looks like... game over for him?!
4. New findings in Molecular Psychiatry link hundreds of genes to Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). Scientist believe this is just the beginning in the push to Mars rover Batman ice cream elephant Sportscenter.
5. Scientists at UCLA have captured the first ever image of a memory being made at the cellular level. The biochemists used sea slugs, which have been helpful in brain cell research, to capture the image. Still no word yet on the ability to erase memories, but the producers of According To Jim have their fingers crossed.
High five.
2. It was reported today that the Jackson family would like a second autopsy done on superstar Michael Jackson after many questions have been raised concerning his death. However, the coroner's office released a statement today saying they don't have a 50 year old Black man in their possession, only what looks to be a much older Chinese lady.
3. A student is getting life in prison after killing another man over a Playstation. Looks like... game over for him?!
4. New findings in Molecular Psychiatry link hundreds of genes to Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). Scientist believe this is just the beginning in the push to Mars rover Batman ice cream elephant Sportscenter.
5. Scientists at UCLA have captured the first ever image of a memory being made at the cellular level. The biochemists used sea slugs, which have been helpful in brain cell research, to capture the image. Still no word yet on the ability to erase memories, but the producers of According To Jim have their fingers crossed.
High five.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Michael Jackson & Strip Searches
1. The White House announced today that President Obama would nominate former Bush administration official Meredith Attwell Baker to a Republican seat on the FCC. Meanwhile, Meredith Vieira remains optimistic that Obama will honor her request to be Secretary of Dimly Lit Game Show Stages.
2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."
3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.
4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.
5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.
High five.
2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."
3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.
4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.
5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.
High five.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Mark Sanford & Pubescent Galaxies
1. The Academy of Motion Pictures announced Wednesday that it will double the number of Best Picture nominees, increasing it to 10 films. The news was met with skepticism as to the intentions behind the move -- whether to increase inclusion or increase profits. More puzzling however was the announcement that 1 of the 10 films nominated must include Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.
3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.
4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.
5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"
High five.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Ponzis & Plagiarism
1. A self-published author from Cape Cod is accusing View co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck of plagiarism. Author Susan Hassett says she sent Hasselbeck a copy of her book Living With Celiac Disease after finding out the star had the illness, but was later shocked when portions of the book were copied word for word in Hasselbeck's book The G-Free Diet. Hasselbeck denies the claims saying, "I think it's pretty obvious I can't read or write."
2. Legendary Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon died today at the age of 86. While news of his passing was met with an outpouring of support from the Hollywood community, a deceased Johnny Carson was heard muttering, "Thank God, I'm dyin' up here."
3. A 9 year old boy from Utah survived the night alone after his family lost him in the northern Utah forest. Grayson Wynne says he survived by following the examples of Bear Grylls of Man Versus Wild, one of his favorite TV shows. As night fell, Grylls tutelage paid off and Wynne quickly found a Best Western.
4. The defense lawyer for Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest Ponzi scheme in history which defrauded nearly $65 billion from investors, says that 12 years in prison is sufficient for the 71 year old. "After all," said lawyer Ira Lee Sorkin, "it's not like he's a pot-dealing Black guy."
5. IBM has been chosen by the U.S. government to build a 20-petaflop supercomputer for the National Nuclear Security Association (NNSA) -- 20 times faster than the fastest supercomputer in the world today. The NNSA says its systems are running too slow, but after taking a look the NNSA's setup, IBM assured them it'll run plenty fast as soon as they get rid of all the Clinton administration porn.
High five.
2. Legendary Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon died today at the age of 86. While news of his passing was met with an outpouring of support from the Hollywood community, a deceased Johnny Carson was heard muttering, "Thank God, I'm dyin' up here."
3. A 9 year old boy from Utah survived the night alone after his family lost him in the northern Utah forest. Grayson Wynne says he survived by following the examples of Bear Grylls of Man Versus Wild, one of his favorite TV shows. As night fell, Grylls tutelage paid off and Wynne quickly found a Best Western.
4. The defense lawyer for Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest Ponzi scheme in history which defrauded nearly $65 billion from investors, says that 12 years in prison is sufficient for the 71 year old. "After all," said lawyer Ira Lee Sorkin, "it's not like he's a pot-dealing Black guy."
5. IBM has been chosen by the U.S. government to build a 20-petaflop supercomputer for the National Nuclear Security Association (NNSA) -- 20 times faster than the fastest supercomputer in the world today. The NNSA says its systems are running too slow, but after taking a look the NNSA's setup, IBM assured them it'll run plenty fast as soon as they get rid of all the Clinton administration porn.
High five.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Huckabee & Blu-Ray
1. Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said today that the U.S. should show better support for those protesting election results in Iran. "God help us if we do not hear their voices," said the former Arkansas governor. Huckabee then grabbed his bass and played a fat solo with a no-armed juggling veteran who thinks America is headed in the wrong direction.
2. On Monday, a 5.4 magnitude quake shook Anchorage, Alaska. Governor Sarah Palin said in a statement that the quake was not major and that little damage was caused and that her remaining virgin daughters are still virgins, David Letterman.
3. It's being reported today that Jon and Kate Gosselin of TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8 have filed for divorce. When asked if she would still go by Gosselin, Kate said she will likely go back to her maiden name Incubator.
4. Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said this weekend that he won't run for governor of California. Analysts believe Villaraigosa is avoiding the steep competition from other political heavyweights. Villaraigosa says he doesn't want to deal with the expected lengthy campaign, so instead he'll just go back in time and kill who ever built Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. A new poll taken by Harris Interactive shows that 93% of Americans feel they are unlikely to purchase a Blu-Ray DVD player within the next year. The digital media industry today scoffed at the poll results saying, "Just wait, they'll totally love our next format change."
High five.
2. On Monday, a 5.4 magnitude quake shook Anchorage, Alaska. Governor Sarah Palin said in a statement that the quake was not major and that little damage was caused and that her remaining virgin daughters are still virgins, David Letterman.
3. It's being reported today that Jon and Kate Gosselin of TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8 have filed for divorce. When asked if she would still go by Gosselin, Kate said she will likely go back to her maiden name Incubator.
4. Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said this weekend that he won't run for governor of California. Analysts believe Villaraigosa is avoiding the steep competition from other political heavyweights. Villaraigosa says he doesn't want to deal with the expected lengthy campaign, so instead he'll just go back in time and kill who ever built Arnold Schwarzenegger.
5. A new poll taken by Harris Interactive shows that 93% of Americans feel they are unlikely to purchase a Blu-Ray DVD player within the next year. The digital media industry today scoffed at the poll results saying, "Just wait, they'll totally love our next format change."
High five.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Megyn Kelly & Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed
1. Police discovered earlier this week that James Von Brunn, the White supremacist who shot up the U.S. Holocaust museum, maintained a collection of child pornography on his computer. This just in: James Von Brunn apparently also masturbates with the blubber of baby seals.
2. Republican Senator John Ensign, the congressman who recently came forward to admit to an extramarital affair was reportedly forced to do so by the husband of his mistress. The husband wrote Fox News' Megyn Kelly asking her to investigate the Senator's bad behavior. Kelly responded promptly to the letter saying, "Thank you, fine American. This Republican's inappropriate affair does call into question Obama's leadership."
3. Frank Lloyd Wright's famous Ennis House is being sold for $15 million, according to Christie's. Christie's says so far it's received a lot of offers, but all sexual.
4. The inventor of the Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed died on Wednesday at the age of 92. His wake will be held at St. Luke's funeral home in Fort Pierce, FL from 3:00PM to 3:15PM, but may be extended with exact change.
5. Microsoft announced today that it will be providing consumers with free anti-virus software, and reviews of the product show it to be extremely effective. You install the program onto a computer running Windows, and then anytime you turn the computer on the program will immediately call an Apple store and place an order.
High five.
2. Republican Senator John Ensign, the congressman who recently came forward to admit to an extramarital affair was reportedly forced to do so by the husband of his mistress. The husband wrote Fox News' Megyn Kelly asking her to investigate the Senator's bad behavior. Kelly responded promptly to the letter saying, "Thank you, fine American. This Republican's inappropriate affair does call into question Obama's leadership."
3. Frank Lloyd Wright's famous Ennis House is being sold for $15 million, according to Christie's. Christie's says so far it's received a lot of offers, but all sexual.
4. The inventor of the Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed died on Wednesday at the age of 92. His wake will be held at St. Luke's funeral home in Fort Pierce, FL from 3:00PM to 3:15PM, but may be extended with exact change.
5. Microsoft announced today that it will be providing consumers with free anti-virus software, and reviews of the product show it to be extremely effective. You install the program onto a computer running Windows, and then anytime you turn the computer on the program will immediately call an Apple store and place an order.
High five.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
D&D & DNA
1. Scientists at the University of Colorado have discovered what they believe to be definitive evidence that water once existed on Mars. The research team found the unmistakable characteristics of a shoreline they say surrounded a lake about 3.5 billion years ago. Even stronger proof is Martian paparazzi photos of topless Martian celebrities at the beach.
2. Even though testing has exonerated 240 people, the Supreme Court said on Thursday that convicts "have no constitutional right to test DNA evidence." The ruling came in a case involving an Alaskan convicted of attacking a prostitute. Experts say this ruling won't change much in the way of DNA testing, as prostitutes will always be Nature's DNA testers.
3. PETA is frustrated with President Obama after he swatted a fly during an interview with CNBC. The animal rights group said it would send the President a humane bug catcher that allows users to trap bugs and release them outside unharmed. In Obama's defense though, in the fly community, the fly he swatted was a convicted sex offender.
4. Wizards of the Coast, the company that publishes the handbooks for Dungeons & Dragons is suing eight people after the latest D&D handbook was illegally posted on Scribd.com. This prolongs the age old question: what is worse, playing D&D, or to wanting to play D&D so badly you will break the law to do it?
5. Some members of the GOP are questioning the credentials of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, asking if she will speak "for all of us, or just for some of us." The criticism was made by a top GOP official after a GOP-led United Negro College Fund fundraiser co-sponsored by Bob Jones University with a keynote address by Justice Antonin Scalia. Wait, I'm sorry, I seem to be reading the Bizarro World news again.
High five.
2. Even though testing has exonerated 240 people, the Supreme Court said on Thursday that convicts "have no constitutional right to test DNA evidence." The ruling came in a case involving an Alaskan convicted of attacking a prostitute. Experts say this ruling won't change much in the way of DNA testing, as prostitutes will always be Nature's DNA testers.
3. PETA is frustrated with President Obama after he swatted a fly during an interview with CNBC. The animal rights group said it would send the President a humane bug catcher that allows users to trap bugs and release them outside unharmed. In Obama's defense though, in the fly community, the fly he swatted was a convicted sex offender.
4. Wizards of the Coast, the company that publishes the handbooks for Dungeons & Dragons is suing eight people after the latest D&D handbook was illegally posted on Scribd.com. This prolongs the age old question: what is worse, playing D&D, or to wanting to play D&D so badly you will break the law to do it?
5. Some members of the GOP are questioning the credentials of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, asking if she will speak "for all of us, or just for some of us." The criticism was made by a top GOP official after a GOP-led United Negro College Fund fundraiser co-sponsored by Bob Jones University with a keynote address by Justice Antonin Scalia. Wait, I'm sorry, I seem to be reading the Bizarro World news again.
High five.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Texting Champion & Gold Vending Machines
1. Thomas Geissler, owner of the company TG Gold, is taking advantage of the weak global economy and placing gold vending machines throughout Europe. With gold being such a safe investment, Geissler believes the idea will be a fruitful one and hopes it will spread worldwide. Analysts are unsure how the machine would play in the U.S., but say it couldn't be much worse than the unpopular pink slip vending machine.
2. Chace Crawford, hunk actor of the show Gossip Girl, was named People's hottest bachelor. Chace Crawford was followed closely by heartthrob Brock Jensen, sex-having Crash Reynolds, and muscle-flexing Tex Tamlin. This joke brought to you by Five Jokes reporter Jet Driver.
3. On Tuesday, Kate Moore, a 15 year old from Iowa, became the U.S. texting champion, beating out 250,000 other competitors and winning $50,000. "Let your kid text during dinner! Let your kid text during school! It pays off," said Moore. Yes, kids, text all you can at all times of the day and you, too, can reach the high point of your life at age 15.
4. An 18 year old Belgian teen says she was shocked to wake up in a tattoo parlor chair to see 56 stars tattooed on her face instead of the 3 stars she claims to have asked for before falling asleep. The tattoo artist says the girl got exactly what she wanted and that it was only a problem after her dad saw the results. Perhaps this young girl should look on the bright side; if she's racing to the tattoo parlor already at 18, this probably isn't the most regretful thing she'll wake up to in her life.
5. Today Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez broke the MLB record for most games ever played at the catcher position. Rodriguez said it is "an honor" to have crouched behind the plate for those 2,227 games. Rodriguez concluded his interview then hobble away on his half human half aircraft grade titanium legs.
High five.
2. Chace Crawford, hunk actor of the show Gossip Girl, was named People's hottest bachelor. Chace Crawford was followed closely by heartthrob Brock Jensen, sex-having Crash Reynolds, and muscle-flexing Tex Tamlin. This joke brought to you by Five Jokes reporter Jet Driver.
3. On Tuesday, Kate Moore, a 15 year old from Iowa, became the U.S. texting champion, beating out 250,000 other competitors and winning $50,000. "Let your kid text during dinner! Let your kid text during school! It pays off," said Moore. Yes, kids, text all you can at all times of the day and you, too, can reach the high point of your life at age 15.
4. An 18 year old Belgian teen says she was shocked to wake up in a tattoo parlor chair to see 56 stars tattooed on her face instead of the 3 stars she claims to have asked for before falling asleep. The tattoo artist says the girl got exactly what she wanted and that it was only a problem after her dad saw the results. Perhaps this young girl should look on the bright side; if she's racing to the tattoo parlor already at 18, this probably isn't the most regretful thing she'll wake up to in her life.
5. Today Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez broke the MLB record for most games ever played at the catcher position. Rodriguez said it is "an honor" to have crouched behind the plate for those 2,227 games. Rodriguez concluded his interview then hobble away on his half human half aircraft grade titanium legs.
High five.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
MySpace & Smart Phones
1. On Tuesday, MySpace announced that it would be cutting about 30% of its workforce, leaving the company with about 1,000 employees. The social networking site says employees will not be informed of their termination, but will "get the idea" once taken off the company's top 1,000 friends list.
2. Today the company Research In Motion revealed their latest smart phone, the Blackberry Tour. Developers say what makes this thing so smart is that it already comes preprogrammed with directions to the nearest iPhone store.
3. Some Toledo, Ohio residents are angry over recent citations which fined them for parking in their own driveways. A city law forbids citizens from parking on unpaved surfaces, which includes gravel driveways. No word yet from the mayor of Toledo, but there was an usual lump in his recently paved driveway with his exact size and shape.
4. A man in Norway, part of an online computing project, has discovered the largest prime number ever, a number which is 13 million digits long. The man says he's excited to be a part of this project but is waiting for results from a second worldwide computing project: finding him a date.
5. The Obama White House is refusing to hand over visitor records, carrying on the tradition of the Bush administration. Obama critics say this is proof that the President is likely hiding some embarrassing allegiances, as some recent photos prove once and for all! (dum dum DUM!) ...
High five.
2. Today the company Research In Motion revealed their latest smart phone, the Blackberry Tour. Developers say what makes this thing so smart is that it already comes preprogrammed with directions to the nearest iPhone store.
3. Some Toledo, Ohio residents are angry over recent citations which fined them for parking in their own driveways. A city law forbids citizens from parking on unpaved surfaces, which includes gravel driveways. No word yet from the mayor of Toledo, but there was an usual lump in his recently paved driveway with his exact size and shape.
4. A man in Norway, part of an online computing project, has discovered the largest prime number ever, a number which is 13 million digits long. The man says he's excited to be a part of this project but is waiting for results from a second worldwide computing project: finding him a date.
5. The Obama White House is refusing to hand over visitor records, carrying on the tradition of the Bush administration. Obama critics say this is proof that the President is likely hiding some embarrassing allegiances, as some recent photos prove once and for all! (dum dum DUM!) ...
High five.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Bryce Harper & Afgan Weddings
1. U.S. software company Solid Oak Software is making claims that a Chinese company ripped off its software code to make Green Dam, an anti-pornography program the Chinese government recently ordered all new PCs to carry. Solid Oak says the program contains dated 2004 news that's unlikely to have been added by the Chinese. Looking at the code, a Chinese government spokesperson said, "That's absurd, we Chinese really enjoy... uh, seeing the Boston Red Sox win the World Series in base of ball."
2. Iranians took to the streets this weekend to protest after a historic vote for president was marred by allegations of fraud and rigging. Critics say the speed at which they counted 40 million hand written paper ballots -- hours -- is suspicious. However, upon hearing the news, Chicago mayor Richard Daley said, "Try counting with votes from dead people, too!"
3. Taliban fighters attacked a group of musicians at an Afgan wedding over the weekend, shaving their heads and tying them to trees. Analysts suspect it's because the Taliban once banned music, calling it un-Islamic, but in a statement released today, the Taliban fighters said, "Is Brown-Eyed Girl, like, the first song every wedding band learns???"
4. Sixteen year old high school baseball sensation Bryce Harper, refered to by some as the "Chosen One," has decided to quit high school, obtain his GED, and attend a community college in the fall, leading many to believe that he will enter the 2010 MLB Draft. While extremely talented, some experts say that by not attending a traditional college, Harper will miss out on a first rate education, important social developments, and the chance to not have to play with his own balls.
5. Dick Cheney is upset over comments made by CIA Director Leon Panetta. Panetta reportedly told the New Yorker he thinks Cheney is crossing his fingers for another attack on America. Cheney told Fox News, "I hope my old friend Leon was misquoted." Panetta clarified today saying, "I would never say anything like that about Mr. Cheney without also including fat ass."
High five.
2. Iranians took to the streets this weekend to protest after a historic vote for president was marred by allegations of fraud and rigging. Critics say the speed at which they counted 40 million hand written paper ballots -- hours -- is suspicious. However, upon hearing the news, Chicago mayor Richard Daley said, "Try counting with votes from dead people, too!"
3. Taliban fighters attacked a group of musicians at an Afgan wedding over the weekend, shaving their heads and tying them to trees. Analysts suspect it's because the Taliban once banned music, calling it un-Islamic, but in a statement released today, the Taliban fighters said, "Is Brown-Eyed Girl, like, the first song every wedding band learns???"
4. Sixteen year old high school baseball sensation Bryce Harper, refered to by some as the "Chosen One," has decided to quit high school, obtain his GED, and attend a community college in the fall, leading many to believe that he will enter the 2010 MLB Draft. While extremely talented, some experts say that by not attending a traditional college, Harper will miss out on a first rate education, important social developments, and the chance to not have to play with his own balls.
5. Dick Cheney is upset over comments made by CIA Director Leon Panetta. Panetta reportedly told the New Yorker he thinks Cheney is crossing his fingers for another attack on America. Cheney told Fox News, "I hope my old friend Leon was misquoted." Panetta clarified today saying, "I would never say anything like that about Mr. Cheney without also including fat ass."
High five.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Rat Island & Fingerprints
1. On Friday, an appeals court overturned a ruling that would have required George W. Bush to give a deposition under oath in a lawsuit regarding his presidential library. The panel of three judges said in a statement, "It's not that there's no reason for the former President to testify, it's just economic times are tough and we can't afford the interpreter."
2. A simple experiment by engineers in England has proven that fingerprints did not evolve in humans for the purpose of grip, as was previously thought. The engineers did not publicly state what they believe to be the true purpose of the fingerprint, but sources say they're working on a new scientific paper entitled, "Prehistoric Cop Shows."
3. Actor Stephen Baldwin's foreclosed New York home will reportedly go to auction after Baldwin defaulted on $824,000 in payments to the mortgage holding bank. Perhaps this will convince Stephen once and for all that God just doesn't like him very much.
4. After 229 years, Alaska's Rat Island is finally free of rats. The island became infested when a Japanese shipwreck let loose the rodents, nearly driving a local bird population to extinction. Scientists are confident the rats will not return but were shocked when they discovered another animal had stowed away on their research boats. Scientists are now finding a way to rid the island of Stephen Baldwin.
5. A photo taken by an Iowa woman may have revealed a new type of cloud. Scientists are hesitant to create a new cloud type and say more research is needed. However, some cloud aficionados such as the England-based Cloud Appreciation Society are pushing for scientists to recognize Jane Wiggins' photographed cloud as at least a subclass. After further investigation, the Cloud Appreciation Society member list is eerily similar to the member list of the Battlestar Galactica Fan Club.
High five.
2. A simple experiment by engineers in England has proven that fingerprints did not evolve in humans for the purpose of grip, as was previously thought. The engineers did not publicly state what they believe to be the true purpose of the fingerprint, but sources say they're working on a new scientific paper entitled, "Prehistoric Cop Shows."
3. Actor Stephen Baldwin's foreclosed New York home will reportedly go to auction after Baldwin defaulted on $824,000 in payments to the mortgage holding bank. Perhaps this will convince Stephen once and for all that God just doesn't like him very much.
4. After 229 years, Alaska's Rat Island is finally free of rats. The island became infested when a Japanese shipwreck let loose the rodents, nearly driving a local bird population to extinction. Scientists are confident the rats will not return but were shocked when they discovered another animal had stowed away on their research boats. Scientists are now finding a way to rid the island of Stephen Baldwin.
5. A photo taken by an Iowa woman may have revealed a new type of cloud. Scientists are hesitant to create a new cloud type and say more research is needed. However, some cloud aficionados such as the England-based Cloud Appreciation Society are pushing for scientists to recognize Jane Wiggins' photographed cloud as at least a subclass. After further investigation, the Cloud Appreciation Society member list is eerily similar to the member list of the Battlestar Galactica Fan Club.
High five.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Joe Montana & Airline Technology
1. According to an affidavit, a notebook of James Von Brunn, the man who shot a security guard at the U.S. Holocaust museum, reportedly describes President Obama as being "created by Jews." Brunn's mental health is still in question, but he goes on to say, "And they built him in their Jew tree house, wearing their colorful Jew hats and Jew garb. Keebler, maybe the Jewishest name ever."
2. The NCAA today put the University of Alabama on a three-year probation, citing major violations relating to textbook distribution. The football team has been forced to give up any wins from the '05-'06 and '07-'08 seasons. Trying to find the silver lining in the penalty, the University of Alabama said in a statement, "We're looking forward to the end of this three-year probation, but 18 months really isn't that long."
3. Research announced on Thursday reveals that video game sales dropped 23% in the month of May, the first time sales were below a billion since last August. In other news, doctors are seeing a surge in hospital visits by men age 18-25 for increased exposure to conversation.
4. After months of careful thought and public anticipation, Nick Montana, son of legendary NFL quarterback Joe Montana, has decided to play football for the Huskies at the University of Washington. It's safe to say we'll all sleep a little better tonight.
5. Executives at several airlines are giving less than optimistic outlooks for the airline industry. Fuel prices are rising and with demand so low, CEO's say that fare increases are almost guaranteed. Likely exacerbating the problem is the bizarre, industry-wide introduction of the latest in "rape seat" technology.
High five.
2. The NCAA today put the University of Alabama on a three-year probation, citing major violations relating to textbook distribution. The football team has been forced to give up any wins from the '05-'06 and '07-'08 seasons. Trying to find the silver lining in the penalty, the University of Alabama said in a statement, "We're looking forward to the end of this three-year probation, but 18 months really isn't that long."
3. Research announced on Thursday reveals that video game sales dropped 23% in the month of May, the first time sales were below a billion since last August. In other news, doctors are seeing a surge in hospital visits by men age 18-25 for increased exposure to conversation.
4. After months of careful thought and public anticipation, Nick Montana, son of legendary NFL quarterback Joe Montana, has decided to play football for the Huskies at the University of Washington. It's safe to say we'll all sleep a little better tonight.
5. Executives at several airlines are giving less than optimistic outlooks for the airline industry. Fuel prices are rising and with demand so low, CEO's say that fare increases are almost guaranteed. Likely exacerbating the problem is the bizarre, industry-wide introduction of the latest in "rape seat" technology.
High five.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The FDA & Slutty Flight Attendants
1. Actor Shia LaBeouf told a magazine this week, "I don't know what an actor does. To my mind talent doesn't really exist." Read all about it in this month's issue of Fish In A Barrel Made Of Fish.
2. Late Show host David Letterman is under fire from Sarah Palin supporters after making sexual jokes about the Alaskan Governor and her daughter. Letterman said Plain had the style of a "slutty flight attendant" then made a joke about Palin's daughter getting "knocked up by Alex Rodriguez," during a trip to Yankee Stadium. In a statement to Fox News, Palin said, "These jokes are completely unfair. I am not slutty. Just ask my slutty, unwed, teenage daughter."
3. On Wednesday, the FDA approved three new anti-psychotic drugs for use with children, leaving some experts concerned about the effects of the drugs on kids. "It's a slippery slope ... I just get worried about where this is going," said the head of the National Institute of Mental Health. "I mean, if they're all normal, how am I going to know which neighborhood kid dissected my cat?"
4. Miss California USA Carrie Prejean was fired on Wednesday by pageant head Donald Trump based on what are said to be contract violations, such as the unwillingness to make appearances on behalf of the organization. Trump said in a statement, "Carrie is a beautiful young woman and I wish her well as she pursues her other interests." Trump and Prejean were married this afternoon.
5. James Von Brunn, the man who opened fire inside a crowded Holocaust museum today before being shot by officers, reportedly has a long history of White supremacist ties. Researchers have discovered an Internet book written by Brunn called, "Kill the Best Gentiles ... a new hard-hitting expose of the JEW CONSPIRACY to destroy the White gene-pool." The only thing hit hard here is your head when attempting to dive into Brunn's gene pool.
High five.
2. Late Show host David Letterman is under fire from Sarah Palin supporters after making sexual jokes about the Alaskan Governor and her daughter. Letterman said Plain had the style of a "slutty flight attendant" then made a joke about Palin's daughter getting "knocked up by Alex Rodriguez," during a trip to Yankee Stadium. In a statement to Fox News, Palin said, "These jokes are completely unfair. I am not slutty. Just ask my slutty, unwed, teenage daughter."
3. On Wednesday, the FDA approved three new anti-psychotic drugs for use with children, leaving some experts concerned about the effects of the drugs on kids. "It's a slippery slope ... I just get worried about where this is going," said the head of the National Institute of Mental Health. "I mean, if they're all normal, how am I going to know which neighborhood kid dissected my cat?"
4. Miss California USA Carrie Prejean was fired on Wednesday by pageant head Donald Trump based on what are said to be contract violations, such as the unwillingness to make appearances on behalf of the organization. Trump said in a statement, "Carrie is a beautiful young woman and I wish her well as she pursues her other interests." Trump and Prejean were married this afternoon.
5. James Von Brunn, the man who opened fire inside a crowded Holocaust museum today before being shot by officers, reportedly has a long history of White supremacist ties. Researchers have discovered an Internet book written by Brunn called, "Kill the Best Gentiles ... a new hard-hitting expose of the JEW CONSPIRACY to destroy the White gene-pool." The only thing hit hard here is your head when attempting to dive into Brunn's gene pool.
High five.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
MLB Draft & Slim Jims
1. At a fundraiser for the Republican House and Senate committees, keynote speaker Newt Gingrich fired harsh criticism at Obama, saying the president's economic policy has "already failed." In other news, scientists may get their first glimpse at the birth of a star as they've identified a region in space containing a concentration of superheated gas. Oh, wait... I'm sorry, that's still the Gingrich speech.
2. Twenty people were taken to the hospital Tuesday after an explosion in a North Carolina Slim Jim factory. Police won't say if foul play is involved, but they have put out an arrest warrant for Macho Man Randy Savage.
3. A new study shows that the HIV rate among teenage South Africans has dropped significantly, justifying the huge efforts made to curb the epidemic. When asked what largely accounted for the reduction, South African leaders said, "Oh, just some traditional African remedies. You know, guns, violence, civil unrest."
4. More and more Americans are being sent to the emergency room thanks to their computers, a new study says. Large numbers of people are tripping over cords, dropping monitors on their toes and banging heads in and around their PCs. Commenting on the surge of patients, one doctor said, "All the more reason to wear protective eye wear when you masturbate."
5. San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg was chosen no. 1 in the 2009 Major League Baseball Draft by the Washingtion Nationals, a lock for the first pick by all accounts. Slight confusion, however, during the 31st pick when the Chicago Cubs selected a box of hankies.
High five.
2. Twenty people were taken to the hospital Tuesday after an explosion in a North Carolina Slim Jim factory. Police won't say if foul play is involved, but they have put out an arrest warrant for Macho Man Randy Savage.
3. A new study shows that the HIV rate among teenage South Africans has dropped significantly, justifying the huge efforts made to curb the epidemic. When asked what largely accounted for the reduction, South African leaders said, "Oh, just some traditional African remedies. You know, guns, violence, civil unrest."
4. More and more Americans are being sent to the emergency room thanks to their computers, a new study says. Large numbers of people are tripping over cords, dropping monitors on their toes and banging heads in and around their PCs. Commenting on the surge of patients, one doctor said, "All the more reason to wear protective eye wear when you masturbate."
5. San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg was chosen no. 1 in the 2009 Major League Baseball Draft by the Washingtion Nationals, a lock for the first pick by all accounts. Slight confusion, however, during the 31st pick when the Chicago Cubs selected a box of hankies.
High five.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Apple & Supermassive Black Holes
1. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fractured her ankle on Monday after tripping at New York's LaGuardia Airport. The federal judge is said to be doing fine and is even keeping her appointments with Senate members regarding the vote on her confirmation. When told of the story, Newt Gingrich folded his arms, pouted, and said, "Well... I still think she's stupid."
2. Engineers at the University of California Davis are raising new concerns about how green public transportation is compared to driving. Their studies show that when all data is considered, depending on certain factors such as occupancy levels, it is often greener to drive a car, even an SUV, than it is to ride a train. The news caused SUV sales to rise slightly while Craigslist and eBay report plummeting train sales.
3. Today, Apple Inc. cut the price of its entry level iPhone in half to $99. Did you hear that, ladies? You wanted more creepy guys drunk dialing you, gawking at your Facebook pictures, and generally having better technology to find you? Apple answered the call!
4. The Chinese government is now requiring all PC's to come equipped with anti-pornography software, continuing the country's lengthy history of Internet censorship. After already placing restrictions on the number of children you can have, and now restrictions on porn, Chinese leaders say "Operation: Make Humans Least Fun Species Ever" is well underway.
5. Scientists are reporting that the supermassive black hole in the nearby galaxy M87 is actually two or three times heftier than previously thought, about 6.4 billion times the mass of our sun. However, scientists say with great certainty that Rush Limbaugh is still as hefty as previously thought.
High five.
2. Engineers at the University of California Davis are raising new concerns about how green public transportation is compared to driving. Their studies show that when all data is considered, depending on certain factors such as occupancy levels, it is often greener to drive a car, even an SUV, than it is to ride a train. The news caused SUV sales to rise slightly while Craigslist and eBay report plummeting train sales.
3. Today, Apple Inc. cut the price of its entry level iPhone in half to $99. Did you hear that, ladies? You wanted more creepy guys drunk dialing you, gawking at your Facebook pictures, and generally having better technology to find you? Apple answered the call!
4. The Chinese government is now requiring all PC's to come equipped with anti-pornography software, continuing the country's lengthy history of Internet censorship. After already placing restrictions on the number of children you can have, and now restrictions on porn, Chinese leaders say "Operation: Make Humans Least Fun Species Ever" is well underway.
5. Scientists are reporting that the supermassive black hole in the nearby galaxy M87 is actually two or three times heftier than previously thought, about 6.4 billion times the mass of our sun. However, scientists say with great certainty that Rush Limbaugh is still as hefty as previously thought.
High five.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Conservatives & Donut Day
1. An 11 year old boy has graduated from East Los Angeles Community College. He began college at the age of 8 and hopes to become an astrophysicist one day. I would like to be impressed by this kid, but come on, it is community college.
2. On Friday, Lance Armstrong welcomed the birth of his fourth child, Max, who came in at 7 pounds 5 ounces. Max is already a favorite for this year's Tour de France, but hour-old doping allegations may hinder his chances.
3. A new study out of Cornell finds that people of a more conservative political persuasion are more easily disgusted. Perhaps I can make this blog more suspenseful for my conservative readers... AHH WELFARE! ... EEEK TAXES! ... RAWR PENISES TOUCHING!
4. Thursday, June 5th was National Donut Day as free donuts were being handed out by businesses nationwide. Visit a local donut shop June 6th and join the vigil for National Day of Regret & Self Loathing.
5. Kelly Clarkson is speaking out about the scrutiny regarding her weight. "I love my body. I'm very much OK with it," says the former American Idol winner. I would continue this joke but Blogger keeps telling me I've reached their posting weight limit.
High five.
2. On Friday, Lance Armstrong welcomed the birth of his fourth child, Max, who came in at 7 pounds 5 ounces. Max is already a favorite for this year's Tour de France, but hour-old doping allegations may hinder his chances.
3. A new study out of Cornell finds that people of a more conservative political persuasion are more easily disgusted. Perhaps I can make this blog more suspenseful for my conservative readers... AHH WELFARE! ... EEEK TAXES! ... RAWR PENISES TOUCHING!
4. Thursday, June 5th was National Donut Day as free donuts were being handed out by businesses nationwide. Visit a local donut shop June 6th and join the vigil for National Day of Regret & Self Loathing.
5. Kelly Clarkson is speaking out about the scrutiny regarding her weight. "I love my body. I'm very much OK with it," says the former American Idol winner. I would continue this joke but Blogger keeps telling me I've reached their posting weight limit.
High five.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Al Gore & God's Guns
1. San Francisco Giants pitcher Randy Johnson beat the Washington Nationals on Thursday to gain his 300th career win, only the 24th pitcher in history to do so. It's an amazing achievement in baseball these days, but experts say one thing still keeps Johnson from reaching the baseball Hall of Fame. Johnson is rumored to be taking mullet enhancing drugs.
2. A Kentucky pastor has invited his entire congregation to wear their guns into church to celebrate the Fourth of July. Says the pastor, "We're not ashamed to say that there was a strong belief in God and firearms — without that this country wouldn't be here." Critics say this event is welcomed compared to the pastor's previous idea: bring your former slaves to church.
3. Vice President Al Gore may go to North Korea to help free two American journalists who work for his California-based company Current TV. Gore released a statement today revealing two of his newest inventions for the situation. The first is a new conversational tactic called "negotiation." The second is a groundbreaking airborne vehicle called an "airplane." With these latest Gore inventions, the former VP believes the situation will be rectified soon.
4. The LA Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic in game 1 of the NBA Finals. Kobe Bryant scored a remarkable 40 points, Dwight Howard managed to only score 12, and Jack Nicholson scored with at least 3 Lakers cheerleaders.
5. Angelina Jolie has overtaken Oprah Winfrey on Forbes Magazine's list of the world's 100 most powerful celebrities. Forbes says of Jolie, "She's rich. She's talented. She's beautiful. And now Angelina Jolie is the most powerful celebrity in the world." And not surprising, Forbes Magazine's least powerful celebrity, for the 11th straight year, is Madame Marie Currie.
High five.
2. A Kentucky pastor has invited his entire congregation to wear their guns into church to celebrate the Fourth of July. Says the pastor, "We're not ashamed to say that there was a strong belief in God and firearms — without that this country wouldn't be here." Critics say this event is welcomed compared to the pastor's previous idea: bring your former slaves to church.
3. Vice President Al Gore may go to North Korea to help free two American journalists who work for his California-based company Current TV. Gore released a statement today revealing two of his newest inventions for the situation. The first is a new conversational tactic called "negotiation." The second is a groundbreaking airborne vehicle called an "airplane." With these latest Gore inventions, the former VP believes the situation will be rectified soon.
4. The LA Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic in game 1 of the NBA Finals. Kobe Bryant scored a remarkable 40 points, Dwight Howard managed to only score 12, and Jack Nicholson scored with at least 3 Lakers cheerleaders.
5. Angelina Jolie has overtaken Oprah Winfrey on Forbes Magazine's list of the world's 100 most powerful celebrities. Forbes says of Jolie, "She's rich. She's talented. She's beautiful. And now Angelina Jolie is the most powerful celebrity in the world." And not surprising, Forbes Magazine's least powerful celebrity, for the 11th straight year, is Madame Marie Currie.
High five.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Ancient Pottery & Severed Penises
1. Pottery discovered in a southern China cave may be evidence of the earliest use of ceramics by ancient people. Even more incredible, however, was the discovery of an ancient tablet nearby that read, "Lunch Specials."
2. On Wednesday, a bronze statue of Ronald Reagan was revealed in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. The statue reportedly features a new advanced holographic fountain system. To onlookers, water appears to trickle down toward the base, but in fact it is just an illusion.
3. On Sunday, a robotic sub set the record for the deepest ocean dive, traveling 6.8 miles below the surface in the Mariana Trench, the ocean's deepest point. Scientists are now creating a robot to navigate the deepest trench on land: Paris Hilton.
4. A 25 year old Egyptian man cut off his own penis after his family refused to let him marry a lower-class girl. This man cut off his penis for love. Hey, 25 year old Egyptian man, you know what guys also do for love? They ignore their oppressive families, run off to marry their beautiful girls, and have lots of sex using their attached penises.
5. The anti-crime chief of Guinea says that they should burn all armed robbers caught in the act to avoid filling the country's already crowded prisons. The demand sounds preposterous, but to be fair, the anti-crime chief of New Guinea is a medieval Monty Python mob...
High five.
2. On Wednesday, a bronze statue of Ronald Reagan was revealed in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. The statue reportedly features a new advanced holographic fountain system. To onlookers, water appears to trickle down toward the base, but in fact it is just an illusion.
3. On Sunday, a robotic sub set the record for the deepest ocean dive, traveling 6.8 miles below the surface in the Mariana Trench, the ocean's deepest point. Scientists are now creating a robot to navigate the deepest trench on land: Paris Hilton.
4. A 25 year old Egyptian man cut off his own penis after his family refused to let him marry a lower-class girl. This man cut off his penis for love. Hey, 25 year old Egyptian man, you know what guys also do for love? They ignore their oppressive families, run off to marry their beautiful girls, and have lots of sex using their attached penises.
5. The anti-crime chief of Guinea says that they should burn all armed robbers caught in the act to avoid filling the country's already crowded prisons. The demand sounds preposterous, but to be fair, the anti-crime chief of New Guinea is a medieval Monty Python mob...
High five.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Satan & The Hills
1. Spencer Pratt is reportedly upset with The Hills co-star Audrina Patridge after she said she would never do the show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, which Pratt had joined. Pratt responded saying, "Just because you have a one night stand with a guy who's in a movie called Star Trek doesn't make you a star." Yeah, Audrina. Like Spencer, you have to do other stuff, like... whatever it is in the future he does to warrant the attention he gets now.
2. Kim Jong-il has apparently named his youngest son Kim Jong-un as the successor to his leadership in North Korea. Very little is known about Kim Jong-un, with even the year of his birth being a mystery. One thing is certain, however, he will be bat-shit insane.
3. An Ohio man was executed on Wednesday after being convicted of burning a woman alive. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan considered the punishment then whispered to a demonic associate, "I have a golf game with God in fifteen, you can't think of this one yourselves?"
4. With Obama's appointment of New York Republican Rep. John M. McHugh as Secretary of the Army, the number of Republican representatives in the state is shrinking. Some critics say Obama is purposely appointing Republicans to weaken the party in Congress. Obama insists that he's just appointing the most qualified people he can, which will reportedly continue next week when he appoints New York House Republican Chris Lee as Secretary of White House Board Games.
5. Jon & Kate Plus 8 continues to draw huge audiences while critics maintain that the show exploits the children for ratings. TLC, however, denies any kind of ratings push. In a press release today, the cable network said, "We at TLC vigorously deny and condemn any kind of child exploitation. We care about the wealthfare of these children. Does one of them have superpowers??? Tune in next week and find out!"
High five.
2. Kim Jong-il has apparently named his youngest son Kim Jong-un as the successor to his leadership in North Korea. Very little is known about Kim Jong-un, with even the year of his birth being a mystery. One thing is certain, however, he will be bat-shit insane.
3. An Ohio man was executed on Wednesday after being convicted of burning a woman alive. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan considered the punishment then whispered to a demonic associate, "I have a golf game with God in fifteen, you can't think of this one yourselves?"
4. With Obama's appointment of New York Republican Rep. John M. McHugh as Secretary of the Army, the number of Republican representatives in the state is shrinking. Some critics say Obama is purposely appointing Republicans to weaken the party in Congress. Obama insists that he's just appointing the most qualified people he can, which will reportedly continue next week when he appoints New York House Republican Chris Lee as Secretary of White House Board Games.
5. Jon & Kate Plus 8 continues to draw huge audiences while critics maintain that the show exploits the children for ratings. TLC, however, denies any kind of ratings push. In a press release today, the cable network said, "We at TLC vigorously deny and condemn any kind of child exploitation. We care about the wealthfare of these children. Does one of them have superpowers??? Tune in next week and find out!"
High five.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Dick Cheney's Secret & Lasers
1. On Sunday, a Kansas abortion doctor was shot to death in his church by a 51 year old abortion foe, proving once again just how much anti-abortion extremists love life.
2. The world's strongest laser was unveiled at the National Ignition Facility in California this weekend. The operation is made up of 192 separate beams which all converge at a single point the size of a pencil eraser. And yet, scientists say, though the laser is powerful, the shame of your Chinese character/tribal design hybrid tattoo will remain until you die.
3. Today at the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), Microsoft revealed a highly anticipated motion sensing device that allows gamers to play games without the need for a physical controller. A Microsoft E3 spokesperson said excitedly, "Gamers will be able to reach out and physically interact with things they never could interact with in the real world; things like dragons, fighter jets, and boobs."
4. On Monday, a federal judge rejected the U.S. government's request to keep secret the unclassified evidence that justifies the imprisonment of 100 Guantanamo Bay prisoners. This is a major victory for detainee lawyers who say the government should not be allowed to imprison people with secret evidence. One government official said the ruling is unfortunate since now many sensitive secrets will be revealed, like the secret to disabling Dick Cheney's half cyborg, half griffin heart.
5. Jerusalem police spokesperson Shmuel Ben-Ruby says a Jewish man is being held today after killing a Palestinian man in an attack this morning. The motive for the killing is so far unclear... but I'm sure we can all dig deep down into our vast knowledge of the universe and venture a tiny guess.
High five.
2. The world's strongest laser was unveiled at the National Ignition Facility in California this weekend. The operation is made up of 192 separate beams which all converge at a single point the size of a pencil eraser. And yet, scientists say, though the laser is powerful, the shame of your Chinese character/tribal design hybrid tattoo will remain until you die.
3. Today at the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), Microsoft revealed a highly anticipated motion sensing device that allows gamers to play games without the need for a physical controller. A Microsoft E3 spokesperson said excitedly, "Gamers will be able to reach out and physically interact with things they never could interact with in the real world; things like dragons, fighter jets, and boobs."
4. On Monday, a federal judge rejected the U.S. government's request to keep secret the unclassified evidence that justifies the imprisonment of 100 Guantanamo Bay prisoners. This is a major victory for detainee lawyers who say the government should not be allowed to imprison people with secret evidence. One government official said the ruling is unfortunate since now many sensitive secrets will be revealed, like the secret to disabling Dick Cheney's half cyborg, half griffin heart.
5. Jerusalem police spokesperson Shmuel Ben-Ruby says a Jewish man is being held today after killing a Palestinian man in an attack this morning. The motive for the killing is so far unclear... but I'm sure we can all dig deep down into our vast knowledge of the universe and venture a tiny guess.
High five.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Scientology & Beavers
1. A new study shows that drinking too much cola can result in serious problems with vital muscle functions. A pregnant 21 year old woman in the study drank up to 3 liters of cola a day and complained of fatigue, appetite loss and frequent vomiting. Read all about it in the latest issue of Why Am I Puking All The Time?
2. Today, well known producer Phil Spector was sentenced to 19 years in prison for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson. His hair will serve 20 years.
3. Wikipedia has reportedly banned the Church of Scientology from editing its own Wiki pages in an effort to stop "self-serving edits" that push partisan agendas. Lord Xenu, leader of the Galactic Confederacy, could not be reached for comment.
4. Today in a news conference a health official at the CDC said that the U.S. may have a swine flu vaccination by October. That news conference was directly followed by major media outlets predicting full planet extinction due to swine flu by August.
5. In Scotland, 11 beavers were reintroduced to the wild on Friday after a 400 year gap in their existence. As a country famous for kilts, clearly no joke exists about Scotland and its "beaver gaps."
High five.
2. Today, well known producer Phil Spector was sentenced to 19 years in prison for the murder of actress Lana Clarkson. His hair will serve 20 years.
3. Wikipedia has reportedly banned the Church of Scientology from editing its own Wiki pages in an effort to stop "self-serving edits" that push partisan agendas. Lord Xenu, leader of the Galactic Confederacy, could not be reached for comment.
4. Today in a news conference a health official at the CDC said that the U.S. may have a swine flu vaccination by October. That news conference was directly followed by major media outlets predicting full planet extinction due to swine flu by August.
5. In Scotland, 11 beavers were reintroduced to the wild on Friday after a 400 year gap in their existence. As a country famous for kilts, clearly no joke exists about Scotland and its "beaver gaps."
High five.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Grand Theft Auto & Health Care
1. The scandalous Jon and Kate Gosselin, of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, continue to make headlines with their latest season premiere reaching a record 9.8 million viewers. However, as ratings analysts point out, about 8 million of those viewers are Gosselin children.
2. Critics of Obama's Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor are citing her diabetes as a reason to withdraw the nomination, saying her health could be an issue. Medical experts however say, with care, Sotomayor will live a long life and see no reason her Type 1 diabetes should affect her ability to perform the duties of Justice. Now, as for the annual Supreme Court Justice Candy Bar Jamboree, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
3. Major health insurer UnitedHealth Group said Wednesday that it had a number of suggestions regarding the health care industry that could save the U.S. about $540 billion over 10 years. Before the UnitedHealth representative could pull the plan from his briefcase, however, Obama stopped him and said, "I hope this isn't a plan about shooting all old people into space," at which point the UnitedHealth representative quietly packed up and exited.
4. Christian video game company Digital Praise is looking to remake Grand Theft Auto but with a wholesome, Christian spin. CEO Tom Bean believes that after they take out all the swearing, violence, and illegal activity, they should have a game that is still fun and stays true to the Christian faith. So this Christmas look for Digital Praise's new hit game Christian Pong.
5. The Guiness Record holder for "The Most Lawsuits Filed" has filed a lawsuit against the Guiness Book of Records for labeling him as the person with "The Most Lawsuits Filed." In an unrelated story, the same man has recently made the Guiness Book of Records again after becoming the first man ever to be killed by the sheer will of others.
High five.
2. Critics of Obama's Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor are citing her diabetes as a reason to withdraw the nomination, saying her health could be an issue. Medical experts however say, with care, Sotomayor will live a long life and see no reason her Type 1 diabetes should affect her ability to perform the duties of Justice. Now, as for the annual Supreme Court Justice Candy Bar Jamboree, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
3. Major health insurer UnitedHealth Group said Wednesday that it had a number of suggestions regarding the health care industry that could save the U.S. about $540 billion over 10 years. Before the UnitedHealth representative could pull the plan from his briefcase, however, Obama stopped him and said, "I hope this isn't a plan about shooting all old people into space," at which point the UnitedHealth representative quietly packed up and exited.
4. Christian video game company Digital Praise is looking to remake Grand Theft Auto but with a wholesome, Christian spin. CEO Tom Bean believes that after they take out all the swearing, violence, and illegal activity, they should have a game that is still fun and stays true to the Christian faith. So this Christmas look for Digital Praise's new hit game Christian Pong.
5. The Guiness Record holder for "The Most Lawsuits Filed" has filed a lawsuit against the Guiness Book of Records for labeling him as the person with "The Most Lawsuits Filed." In an unrelated story, the same man has recently made the Guiness Book of Records again after becoming the first man ever to be killed by the sheer will of others.
High five.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Sonia Sotomayor & Boatloads Of Money
1. Sonia Sotomayor, President Obama's Supreme Court nominee, is undergoing intense scrutiny from conservatives as confirmation hearings approach. Conservatives are most critical of a statement Sotomayor made in 2002, saying a Latina judge would "more of than not reach a better conclusion than a white male who hasn't lived that life." Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said via his Twitter feed, "White man racist nominee would be forced to withdraw. Latina woman racist should also withdraw." Most would agree that Gingrich is unqualified to tweet on Latina issues, but Gingrich insists he will always be "Newty from the Block."
2. Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz said Wednesday that she would sell the company's Internet search business to Microsoft, but only for a "boatload of money." The two companies have not reached any agreement or held a meeting, but you can be sure photos of any such meeting will be available on Google.
3. In an interview with Health magazine, actress Brook Shields says that she regrets not having sex at an earlier age than 22, when she lost her virginity. Yeah? Somewhere in America, a Brook Shields high school boyfriend with a promise ring is thinking the exact same thing.
4. On Wednesday, Mexico's Health Ministry told reporters that the country's swine flu death toll has risen to 89. This brings the worldwide total, calculated by various hysteric media outlets, to nearly 80 trillion people.
5. Queen Elizabeth is reportedly "fuming" over not being invited to D-Day commemorations in Normandy, the 65th anniversary of the offensive. France and the U.S. have planned an event, which left Britain feeling snubbed. France and the U.S. tried to defend their actions but Britain would hear nothing of it and a loud fight ensued, after which point the U.S. and France asked for Britain's key to the apartment.
High five.
2. Yahoo CEO Carol Bartz said Wednesday that she would sell the company's Internet search business to Microsoft, but only for a "boatload of money." The two companies have not reached any agreement or held a meeting, but you can be sure photos of any such meeting will be available on Google.
3. In an interview with Health magazine, actress Brook Shields says that she regrets not having sex at an earlier age than 22, when she lost her virginity. Yeah? Somewhere in America, a Brook Shields high school boyfriend with a promise ring is thinking the exact same thing.
4. On Wednesday, Mexico's Health Ministry told reporters that the country's swine flu death toll has risen to 89. This brings the worldwide total, calculated by various hysteric media outlets, to nearly 80 trillion people.
5. Queen Elizabeth is reportedly "fuming" over not being invited to D-Day commemorations in Normandy, the 65th anniversary of the offensive. France and the U.S. have planned an event, which left Britain feeling snubbed. France and the U.S. tried to defend their actions but Britain would hear nothing of it and a loud fight ensued, after which point the U.S. and France asked for Britain's key to the apartment.
High five.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Nuclear Testing & Nudity Complaints
I took a little break on Memorial Day, so I apologize if you came here Monday looking for something funny. Actually, that apology coupon is good for most days. Anyway, back to work...
1. On Monday, North Korea defied the world community by testing a nuclear device underground. However, experts around the globe are skeptical as to the strength of the bomb, which North Korea insists was a powerful success. When asked if there was an outside expert to verify their results, Kim Jong Il said, "Oh yeah, she loved our results. Who? Oh, you wouldn't know her, she lives in Canada. Don't bother trying to track her down, she just moved there and is probably unlisted."
2. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton surprised Yale grads when she arrived at Monday's commencement to receive an honorary degree. Clinton did not give a commencement address, but she did give each graduate a gift bag of sorts filled with various State Department items. Each graduate received a mug, a pen, and a Guantanamo Bay detainee.
3. Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, are reportedly undergoing severe turmoil in their marriage with rumors of infidelity abound. Both Jon and Kate deny that they've been unfaithful. However, even more shocking is the rumor that one of the Gosselin children is seeing other multiples.
4. Recent studies out of MIT and other institutes are showing that texting may be taking its toll physically and psychology on teens. Researchers find not only a shift in social development, but also increased thumb injuries, some of which are permanent. "This is a trend that parents should be paying attention to," an MIT scientist says. "I mean, whatever happened to healthy, irresponsible teen sex and drug use?"
5. In Vassalboro, Maine, a nudity complaint is calling into question the operation of a local topless donut shop. Police were sent to Grand View Topless Coffee shop to investigate complaints that waitresses were going outside without shirts on. Authorities have identified the person filing complaints as fictional Bewitched character Gladys Kravitz.
High five.
1. On Monday, North Korea defied the world community by testing a nuclear device underground. However, experts around the globe are skeptical as to the strength of the bomb, which North Korea insists was a powerful success. When asked if there was an outside expert to verify their results, Kim Jong Il said, "Oh yeah, she loved our results. Who? Oh, you wouldn't know her, she lives in Canada. Don't bother trying to track her down, she just moved there and is probably unlisted."
2. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton surprised Yale grads when she arrived at Monday's commencement to receive an honorary degree. Clinton did not give a commencement address, but she did give each graduate a gift bag of sorts filled with various State Department items. Each graduate received a mug, a pen, and a Guantanamo Bay detainee.
3. Jon and Kate Gosselin, stars of the reality show Jon & Kate Plus 8, are reportedly undergoing severe turmoil in their marriage with rumors of infidelity abound. Both Jon and Kate deny that they've been unfaithful. However, even more shocking is the rumor that one of the Gosselin children is seeing other multiples.
4. Recent studies out of MIT and other institutes are showing that texting may be taking its toll physically and psychology on teens. Researchers find not only a shift in social development, but also increased thumb injuries, some of which are permanent. "This is a trend that parents should be paying attention to," an MIT scientist says. "I mean, whatever happened to healthy, irresponsible teen sex and drug use?"
5. In Vassalboro, Maine, a nudity complaint is calling into question the operation of a local topless donut shop. Police were sent to Grand View Topless Coffee shop to investigate complaints that waitresses were going outside without shirts on. Authorities have identified the person filing complaints as fictional Bewitched character Gladys Kravitz.
High five.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Liberty University & Unsupervised Babies
1. Yesterday, Queen Elizabeth was presented with a special gold-plated Nintendo Wii, care of the video game company THQ. The Queen is reported to be a big fan of the Wii system, and in a statement said, "I am overjoyed with this limited edition Wii gaming system, and it's so much better than the gold-plated XBOX360 subscription bill I get from Microsoft each month."
2. A 56 year old babysitter was arrested Wednesday after leaving the infant she was watching in the car to go play video games in a gas station. The infant had reportedly been left in the car for about 25 minutes and police say the windows were rolled down only an inch. However, to be fair to the babysitter, she was playing the hit game Rescue the Unsupervised Baby.
3. Georgia Republican Rep. Paul Broun has put forth a bill that will make 2010 the "Year of the Bible." The bill so far has only 15 co-sponsors, all Republican, but Broun insists this is not a partisan issue. "We want to include all kinds of people in this," says Broun. "Everyone from pasty white God-fearing Christian folks to egg shell white God-fearing Christian folks."
4. A Federal District Court judge is preparing to rule on a case between Hollywood movie companies and RealNetworks Inc., a company whose software allows users to make copies of DVD films. Judge Marilyn Hall Patel isn't ready to rule, but says she will as soon as her new copy of WALL-E ejects.
5. The College Democrats Club at Liberty University, the private college founded by the late Jerry Falwell, has been banned by the institution because they say the group "stands against the conservative Christian school's moral principles." The school's Chancellor Jerry Falwell, Jr. said in an interview, "They're great Christian kids. I hope they'll find a Democratic organization that is pro-life and pro-family so they can become endorsed." The remaining members of the College Democrats Club have already returned to their broken homes and killed themselves.
High five.
2. A 56 year old babysitter was arrested Wednesday after leaving the infant she was watching in the car to go play video games in a gas station. The infant had reportedly been left in the car for about 25 minutes and police say the windows were rolled down only an inch. However, to be fair to the babysitter, she was playing the hit game Rescue the Unsupervised Baby.
3. Georgia Republican Rep. Paul Broun has put forth a bill that will make 2010 the "Year of the Bible." The bill so far has only 15 co-sponsors, all Republican, but Broun insists this is not a partisan issue. "We want to include all kinds of people in this," says Broun. "Everyone from pasty white God-fearing Christian folks to egg shell white God-fearing Christian folks."
4. A Federal District Court judge is preparing to rule on a case between Hollywood movie companies and RealNetworks Inc., a company whose software allows users to make copies of DVD films. Judge Marilyn Hall Patel isn't ready to rule, but says she will as soon as her new copy of WALL-E ejects.
5. The College Democrats Club at Liberty University, the private college founded by the late Jerry Falwell, has been banned by the institution because they say the group "stands against the conservative Christian school's moral principles." The school's Chancellor Jerry Falwell, Jr. said in an interview, "They're great Christian kids. I hope they'll find a Democratic organization that is pro-life and pro-family so they can become endorsed." The remaining members of the College Democrats Club have already returned to their broken homes and killed themselves.
High five.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tiny Computers & Flight Attendants
1. Sarah Palin has reportedly chosen a collaborator to assist in writing her memoirs. Lynn Vincent, an editor for Christian conservative World magazine, will gut, clean, and prep the wolf carcasses while Palin works on the book.
2. Marvell Technology Group has developed a computer the size of an electric plug. The computer has no display but it does contain an Ethernet jack, a USB port, and of course tiny, asshole I.T. guys.
3. San Diego Padres pitching ace Jake Peavy has turned down a trade offer with the Chicago White Sox, citing his family as being the main reason, adding that he has nothing but great respect for the White Sox fan base. Analysts, however, say other factors played a role, none more so than Peavy's crippling fear of mullets.
4. President Obama and former VP Dick Cheney both delivered speeches on Thursday covering the issues of terrorism and the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Not surprising, the two men took noticeably different stances, but generally agreed on the need to protect America. President Obama was then driven home to the White House and Dick Cheney drove through a White Castle.
5. An Emirates Airlines' flight attendant was jailed for 18 months after he left a bomb hoax note in the aircraft he was working on. The resulting panic caused London's Gatewick Airport to be temporarily closed. The man was reportedly ashamed and embarrassed when his family and friends discovered he was a flight attendant.
High five.
2. Marvell Technology Group has developed a computer the size of an electric plug. The computer has no display but it does contain an Ethernet jack, a USB port, and of course tiny, asshole I.T. guys.
3. San Diego Padres pitching ace Jake Peavy has turned down a trade offer with the Chicago White Sox, citing his family as being the main reason, adding that he has nothing but great respect for the White Sox fan base. Analysts, however, say other factors played a role, none more so than Peavy's crippling fear of mullets.
4. President Obama and former VP Dick Cheney both delivered speeches on Thursday covering the issues of terrorism and the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Not surprising, the two men took noticeably different stances, but generally agreed on the need to protect America. President Obama was then driven home to the White House and Dick Cheney drove through a White Castle.
5. An Emirates Airlines' flight attendant was jailed for 18 months after he left a bomb hoax note in the aircraft he was working on. The resulting panic caused London's Gatewick Airport to be temporarily closed. The man was reportedly ashamed and embarrassed when his family and friends discovered he was a flight attendant.
High five.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Bill Clinton & Astronauts
1. A hard drive containing sensitive data from the Clinton administration has reportedly gone missing from the National Archives. Bill Clinton? Hard drive? Sensitive data? Too easy. ... PORN! IT'S PORN! IT'S SO MUCH PORN!
2. On Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh challenged MSNBC to not mention his name on the air for 30 days, claiming that they have built their ratings on his back. The drug rehab nurse then looked at the TV and said, "Mr. Limbaugh, that TV isn't plugged in. Please, take your meds."
3. On Wednesday, shuttle astronauts finished all upkeep and repairs to the aging Hubble telescope. The crew was surprised at the problems that arose during the mission, some of which the astronauts weren't prepared for. The most challenging problem came on the last day when none of the technicians could stop Hubble's VCR from flashing "12:00."
4. A team from Swinburne University of Technology in Australia has created DVD's that can hold 10,000 times the data of a current DVD. Upon hearing the news, the creators of Matthew McConaughey's Failure To Launch say they can now release the extended version with the 5,000 hours of extra footage on one disc as originally planned instead of the 47 disc special edition currently available.
5. What was thought to be a Bob Dylan poem, written by the singer when he was teen, is actually a song by a Canadian singer Hank Snow. The Dylan artifact went on sale at Christie's, but the auction house was informed of the error and quickly clarified the information on the item. "The problem occured in the deciphering stages," a Christie's official said. "I know it sounds crazy, but Dylan's writing just isn't that easy to understand."
High five.
2. On Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh challenged MSNBC to not mention his name on the air for 30 days, claiming that they have built their ratings on his back. The drug rehab nurse then looked at the TV and said, "Mr. Limbaugh, that TV isn't plugged in. Please, take your meds."
3. On Wednesday, shuttle astronauts finished all upkeep and repairs to the aging Hubble telescope. The crew was surprised at the problems that arose during the mission, some of which the astronauts weren't prepared for. The most challenging problem came on the last day when none of the technicians could stop Hubble's VCR from flashing "12:00."
4. A team from Swinburne University of Technology in Australia has created DVD's that can hold 10,000 times the data of a current DVD. Upon hearing the news, the creators of Matthew McConaughey's Failure To Launch say they can now release the extended version with the 5,000 hours of extra footage on one disc as originally planned instead of the 47 disc special edition currently available.
5. What was thought to be a Bob Dylan poem, written by the singer when he was teen, is actually a song by a Canadian singer Hank Snow. The Dylan artifact went on sale at Christie's, but the auction house was informed of the error and quickly clarified the information on the item. "The problem occured in the deciphering stages," a Christie's official said. "I know it sounds crazy, but Dylan's writing just isn't that easy to understand."
High five.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Kim Kardashian & Missing Links
1. On Tuesday the Senate passed a bill placing new restrictions on credit card companies, requiring them to be clearer and less deceiving in the wording of their terms. For instance, when a credit card company is going to financially rape you, they must now specify plunger handle, worn out golf club grip, or the industry standard big, black dildo.
2. Reality TV's Kim Kardashian has released a series of workout videos entitled "Fit Into Your Jeans By Friday." Step 1) Buy jeans that would fit Kim Kardashian's ass. Don't worry, the video includes a belt.
3. Today in New York scientists revealed a 47 million year old skeleton that they say is the missing link in human evolution. Its more human features include opposable thumbs and forward facing eyes. But the most startling similarity is the tiny credit card bill found next the specimen.
4. A Polish man appeared in a London court on Friday after being arrested for hiring a prostitute to take the virginity of his 14 year old son. However, no verdict could be heard over all the high fiving.
5. An 11 year old boy from Utah has set a world record attaching 43 snails to his face for ten seconds. The boy tried multiple times before and says now that he's set this record, he's going to try for others. My guess is longest dating drought.
High five.
2. Reality TV's Kim Kardashian has released a series of workout videos entitled "Fit Into Your Jeans By Friday." Step 1) Buy jeans that would fit Kim Kardashian's ass. Don't worry, the video includes a belt.
3. Today in New York scientists revealed a 47 million year old skeleton that they say is the missing link in human evolution. Its more human features include opposable thumbs and forward facing eyes. But the most startling similarity is the tiny credit card bill found next the specimen.
4. A Polish man appeared in a London court on Friday after being arrested for hiring a prostitute to take the virginity of his 14 year old son. However, no verdict could be heard over all the high fiving.
5. An 11 year old boy from Utah has set a world record attaching 43 snails to his face for ten seconds. The boy tried multiple times before and says now that he's set this record, he's going to try for others. My guess is longest dating drought.
High five.
Monday, May 18, 2009
James Frey & Mockingbirds
1. Recent reports claim that Oprah Winfrey has apologized to A Million Little Pieces author James Frey. Frey was lambasted on Winfrey's show when it was discovered that portions of his book (part of Oprah's book club) were fabricated. When asked to confirm whether or not she actually had apologized, Oprah said, "Yeah, but I totally faked it."
2. Mel Gibson and his girlfriend are reportedly expecting a child, this coming after Gibson and his wife very recently filed for divorce. Gibson already has 7 children with his soon-to-be ex-wife. In a statement released today, Gibson said monotonously, "Yay, Catholicism..."
3. A new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences shows that mockingbirds can actually tell human beings apart from each other. In controlled experiments the birds reacted in different ways to different people approaching their nests. Mockingbirds, like most birds, are extremely protective of their nests. But scientists say they're no where near as mean as their cousin species the Sexwithyourwifebird.
4. Google CEO Eric Schmidt told a graduating class at the University of Pennsylvania, "Turn off your computer ... turn off your phone and discover all that is human around us." The Google Chairman stressed the importance of unplugging from technology for a a little while. "Nothing beats holding the hand of your grandchild as he walks his first steps," said Schmidt. He added, "And you can't describe the joy attained by presenting that grandchild with his first surgically grafted cyborg attachment."
5. The Pentagon said on Monday that Bible quotes are longer included on the daily intelligence briefings sent to the White House, as was regular practice during the Bush administration. Most in favor of the change is the daily intelligence briefings delivery guy who was tired of having to hand the President the war plans dressed as Jesus.
High five.
2. Mel Gibson and his girlfriend are reportedly expecting a child, this coming after Gibson and his wife very recently filed for divorce. Gibson already has 7 children with his soon-to-be ex-wife. In a statement released today, Gibson said monotonously, "Yay, Catholicism..."
3. A new study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences shows that mockingbirds can actually tell human beings apart from each other. In controlled experiments the birds reacted in different ways to different people approaching their nests. Mockingbirds, like most birds, are extremely protective of their nests. But scientists say they're no where near as mean as their cousin species the Sexwithyourwifebird.
4. Google CEO Eric Schmidt told a graduating class at the University of Pennsylvania, "Turn off your computer ... turn off your phone and discover all that is human around us." The Google Chairman stressed the importance of unplugging from technology for a a little while. "Nothing beats holding the hand of your grandchild as he walks his first steps," said Schmidt. He added, "And you can't describe the joy attained by presenting that grandchild with his first surgically grafted cyborg attachment."
5. The Pentagon said on Monday that Bible quotes are longer included on the daily intelligence briefings sent to the White House, as was regular practice during the Bush administration. Most in favor of the change is the daily intelligence briefings delivery guy who was tired of having to hand the President the war plans dressed as Jesus.
High five.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Vinnie Jones & Catholics
1. Census data from the Mexican government shows that Mexican migration to the U.S. has dropped 25% from 2008. The declining job availability has played a large part, but analysts say the biggest deterrence was Lou Dobbs getting totally ripped.
2. As the May 17th commencement for Notre Dame graduates approaches, the controversy over President Barack Obama being the keynote speaker grows. Critics say Obama's views on abortion rights and stem cell research are clearly not aligned with the Catholic church. "It is clear that Notre Dame didn't understand what it means to be Catholic when they issued this invitation," said Cardinal Francis George. "Come back to me when he disowns a gay son, can recite no Bible passages, and attends church only to avoid being socially ostracized."
3. A new Gallup Poll shows that 51% of Americans consider themselves to be pro-life. In related news, nearly half of Americans wish they were dead.
4. The Hills star Heidi Montag (now Heidi Pratt) is officially going by just "Heidi," she says, "with the great tradition of stars like Madonna and Cher." And in the tradition of stars like Prince, her husband Spencer Pratt continues to go by the symbol of a stinky, worn out douche bag.
5. British actor and former football player (UK) Vinnie Jones has been acquitted of assault charges stemming from a bar fight in South Dakota on December 4th. The plaintiff Juan Trevino-Barrera said Jones' attack was unprovoked, but Jones insists he acted in self defense. The judge eventually ruled in favor of Jones after seeing that the other guy was not beat to death.
High five.
2. As the May 17th commencement for Notre Dame graduates approaches, the controversy over President Barack Obama being the keynote speaker grows. Critics say Obama's views on abortion rights and stem cell research are clearly not aligned with the Catholic church. "It is clear that Notre Dame didn't understand what it means to be Catholic when they issued this invitation," said Cardinal Francis George. "Come back to me when he disowns a gay son, can recite no Bible passages, and attends church only to avoid being socially ostracized."
3. A new Gallup Poll shows that 51% of Americans consider themselves to be pro-life. In related news, nearly half of Americans wish they were dead.
4. The Hills star Heidi Montag (now Heidi Pratt) is officially going by just "Heidi," she says, "with the great tradition of stars like Madonna and Cher." And in the tradition of stars like Prince, her husband Spencer Pratt continues to go by the symbol of a stinky, worn out douche bag.
5. British actor and former football player (UK) Vinnie Jones has been acquitted of assault charges stemming from a bar fight in South Dakota on December 4th. The plaintiff Juan Trevino-Barrera said Jones' attack was unprovoked, but Jones insists he acted in self defense. The judge eventually ruled in favor of Jones after seeing that the other guy was not beat to death.
High five.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Google & Virologists
1. On Thursday morning, a variety of Google-run services were temporarily down leading to a torrent of outrage among users. Youtube, Gmail, Blogger, Google Maps (to name a few) all suffered outages of some kind. In a statement, Google apologized and said it would continue to do the absolute best job it could to insure that you will never have to talk to anyone in person ever again.
2. The World Health Organization (W.H.O.) is trying to debunk rumors that the swine flu epidemic was the result of a laboratory accident, as some virologists contest. The W.H.O. entered the lab decorated with police tape and surveyed the scene, chalk outlines only feet away. The W.H.O. then removed its sunglasses slowly, glared hard at the forensic pathologist and said, "This was no accident."
3. The CIA denied former VP Dick Cheney's request for the release of documents which he says show the effectiveness of harsh interrogation methods. The CIA claims they cannot find the documents to which Cheney is referring. Yesterday, the former VP led CIA officials to the basement office where the documents are said to be located. However, horrified CIA officials have gone on record to say that hollowed-out terrorist carcasses written on in an imaginary Cheney language do not constitute as "documents."
4. Video game sales in April were 17% lower this year than in 2008 a market research firm reports. In an unrelated story, a Harvard medical group has released a report today showing that thousands of former video gamers are experiencing a strange bodily phenomenon. The patients are developing a contractile tissue attached to both bones and tendons that allows the body to propel itself either to produce force or to cause motion. More on this story as it occurs.
5. An ivory sculpture found in a German cave could be the oldest sculpture ever, around 35,000 years old as carbon dating shows. Archeologists believe the figure, a large woman with protruding breasts, to be the oldest sculpture of the human form. However, a spokesperson for God released a statement today, saying, "Hello? Grand Tetons?"
High five.
2. The World Health Organization (W.H.O.) is trying to debunk rumors that the swine flu epidemic was the result of a laboratory accident, as some virologists contest. The W.H.O. entered the lab decorated with police tape and surveyed the scene, chalk outlines only feet away. The W.H.O. then removed its sunglasses slowly, glared hard at the forensic pathologist and said, "This was no accident."
3. The CIA denied former VP Dick Cheney's request for the release of documents which he says show the effectiveness of harsh interrogation methods. The CIA claims they cannot find the documents to which Cheney is referring. Yesterday, the former VP led CIA officials to the basement office where the documents are said to be located. However, horrified CIA officials have gone on record to say that hollowed-out terrorist carcasses written on in an imaginary Cheney language do not constitute as "documents."
4. Video game sales in April were 17% lower this year than in 2008 a market research firm reports. In an unrelated story, a Harvard medical group has released a report today showing that thousands of former video gamers are experiencing a strange bodily phenomenon. The patients are developing a contractile tissue attached to both bones and tendons that allows the body to propel itself either to produce force or to cause motion. More on this story as it occurs.
5. An ivory sculpture found in a German cave could be the oldest sculpture ever, around 35,000 years old as carbon dating shows. Archeologists believe the figure, a large woman with protruding breasts, to be the oldest sculpture of the human form. However, a spokesperson for God released a statement today, saying, "Hello? Grand Tetons?"
High five.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Providence & Chinese Thievery
1. Craigslist has announced plans to monitor adult ads on its site and do away with its "Erotic Services" category altogether. The move came due mostly to political pressure after a 23 year old medical student from Boston used Craigslist to find and kill a masseuse. Oh, I see, so one guy gets caught killing a hooker and now we all have to suffer?
2. North Korea said in a statement today that it would put two U.S. journalists on trial in June after they were arrested for entering the country illegally with "hostile" intent. Their execution is scheduled for tomorrow.
3. The mayor of Providence, Rhode Island says he wants to tax college students that attend Brown University $150 per semester. Mayor David Cicilline says the fee would raise more than $6 million to help shrink the city's $17 million deficit. Because who better to take pressure off taxpayers than nature's wealthiest creature: the college student.
4. A Chinese official was arrested after he stole the exam results from one girl and tried to pass them off as his daughter's so that she would get into college. Allegedly the official stopped the girl on the playground and said, "Gimme your exams." The girl replied, "No, make me, I triple dog dare you." The official then said, "I eat dog, duh; I'm Chinese." The girl then said, "You're stupid." To which the official replied, "If I'm so stupid then why have you had like a million abortions already to maintain population control?" The girl then dropped her exam results and ran off crying as the official gave a bellied laugh.
5. Former Miss USA Shanna Moekler resigned her post as co-executive director of the Miss California USA pageant on Wednesday after the now-controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her crown. Read all about that and an interview with Dick Cheney in the next issue of Oh My God Who Keeps Putting A Microphone In Front Of You People? Monthly.
High five.
2. North Korea said in a statement today that it would put two U.S. journalists on trial in June after they were arrested for entering the country illegally with "hostile" intent. Their execution is scheduled for tomorrow.
3. The mayor of Providence, Rhode Island says he wants to tax college students that attend Brown University $150 per semester. Mayor David Cicilline says the fee would raise more than $6 million to help shrink the city's $17 million deficit. Because who better to take pressure off taxpayers than nature's wealthiest creature: the college student.
4. A Chinese official was arrested after he stole the exam results from one girl and tried to pass them off as his daughter's so that she would get into college. Allegedly the official stopped the girl on the playground and said, "Gimme your exams." The girl replied, "No, make me, I triple dog dare you." The official then said, "I eat dog, duh; I'm Chinese." The girl then said, "You're stupid." To which the official replied, "If I'm so stupid then why have you had like a million abortions already to maintain population control?" The girl then dropped her exam results and ran off crying as the official gave a bellied laugh.
5. Former Miss USA Shanna Moekler resigned her post as co-executive director of the Miss California USA pageant on Wednesday after the now-controversial Miss California Carrie Prejean was allowed to keep her crown. Read all about that and an interview with Dick Cheney in the next issue of Oh My God Who Keeps Putting A Microphone In Front Of You People? Monthly.
High five.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Twilight & Toilet Snakes
1. Microsoft's soon-to-be latest operating system (OS) Windows 7 is said to contain a Windows XP mode, for those who prefer the older system. Unfortunately, in order to run XP mode, users will need a more modern CPU that is capable of hardware virtualization. Let me get this straight... Microsoft is releasing an expensive, new OS that will also contain the old OS. In order to run the old OS, however, we need a newer (more expensive) computer to replace the one we have now, which is currently running the old OS? I feel like this is why doves cry.
2. A woman in St. Louis discovered the script to the highly anticipated and highly secretive Twilight sequel sitting in a trash bin. No one is exactly sure how the script ended up being tossed in the trash, but upon hearing the news, the makers of Matthew McConaughey's Ghosts of Girlfriends Past said, "You can do that?"
3. NASA reported Monday that the Martian rover Spirit is stuck in the soft soil on Mars. With the wheels half-buried, NASA will practice with a test rover on Earth to hopefully remedy the situation. However, the Spirit has already sent word back to scientists saying thanks but the rover's unemployed rover friend is already on his way, right after he levels up his World of Warcraft character.
4. A Taiwanese man sitting on a toilet experienced an urban legend-come-true on Monday when a snake came up threw the toilet plumbing and bit his penis. In unrelated news, I no longer poop.
5. With the release of a convicted American journalist from an Iranian prison, experts believe the country's government is perhaps more philosophically split than once thought. Journalist Roxana Saberi had been held in Iran since January after being sentenced to 8 years in prison for spying. Documents released by Iran show that government leaders were unsure how to handle the delicate situation. For instance, some Iranian leaders wanted the journalist stoned to death, while others believed she should prepare a meal for them, bear their children, and then be stoned to death.
High five.
2. A woman in St. Louis discovered the script to the highly anticipated and highly secretive Twilight sequel sitting in a trash bin. No one is exactly sure how the script ended up being tossed in the trash, but upon hearing the news, the makers of Matthew McConaughey's Ghosts of Girlfriends Past said, "You can do that?"
3. NASA reported Monday that the Martian rover Spirit is stuck in the soft soil on Mars. With the wheels half-buried, NASA will practice with a test rover on Earth to hopefully remedy the situation. However, the Spirit has already sent word back to scientists saying thanks but the rover's unemployed rover friend is already on his way, right after he levels up his World of Warcraft character.
4. A Taiwanese man sitting on a toilet experienced an urban legend-come-true on Monday when a snake came up threw the toilet plumbing and bit his penis. In unrelated news, I no longer poop.
5. With the release of a convicted American journalist from an Iranian prison, experts believe the country's government is perhaps more philosophically split than once thought. Journalist Roxana Saberi had been held in Iran since January after being sentenced to 8 years in prison for spying. Documents released by Iran show that government leaders were unsure how to handle the delicate situation. For instance, some Iranian leaders wanted the journalist stoned to death, while others believed she should prepare a meal for them, bear their children, and then be stoned to death.
High five.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Kobe Bryant & 9/11 Jokes
1. China reported its first case of swine flu on Monday. A 30 year old man flew from St. Louis to Chengdu then fell ill with what was later confirmed as the A (H1N1) virus, or swine flu. On a brighter note, most U.S. swine flu cases are being shipped to China like everything else.
2. The Houston Rockets defeated the L.A. Lakers Sunday in what was arguably Kobe Bryant's worst performance of the series. Bryant went 7 for 17, scored just 15 points, and failed to rape any women.
3. The White House distanced itself from Wanda Sykes after the comedian's act at the Correspondents' Dinner where she joked that Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. "9/11 is not comedy," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "I mean, I personally would choke Limbaugh to death, but let's wait a few years to start making 9/11 jokes. Like with the Holocaust."
4. New York City's Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) approved a plan on Monday to raise subway fares from $2.00 to $2.25. The increase in price is the result of falling revenues due to the economic recession. The MTA says, however, it is trying to change as little as possible. For instance, the peeing hobo dressed in Spiderman pajamas will remain.
5. On Sunday Dick Cheney said he favored Rush Limbaugh's Republican party over Colin Powell's Republican Party. You have to feel bad for Republicans. The choice between a rushed dick and a rushed colon is really no choice at all.
High five.
2. The Houston Rockets defeated the L.A. Lakers Sunday in what was arguably Kobe Bryant's worst performance of the series. Bryant went 7 for 17, scored just 15 points, and failed to rape any women.
3. The White House distanced itself from Wanda Sykes after the comedian's act at the Correspondents' Dinner where she joked that Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker. "9/11 is not comedy," said Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "I mean, I personally would choke Limbaugh to death, but let's wait a few years to start making 9/11 jokes. Like with the Holocaust."
4. New York City's Metropolitan Transit Authority (MTA) approved a plan on Monday to raise subway fares from $2.00 to $2.25. The increase in price is the result of falling revenues due to the economic recession. The MTA says, however, it is trying to change as little as possible. For instance, the peeing hobo dressed in Spiderman pajamas will remain.
5. On Sunday Dick Cheney said he favored Rush Limbaugh's Republican party over Colin Powell's Republican Party. You have to feel bad for Republicans. The choice between a rushed dick and a rushed colon is really no choice at all.
High five.
Friday, May 8, 2009
Japanese Robots & Task Forces
1. A South Beach Miami priest has come under fire recently for photos which show him embracing a woman on the beach. The Archdiocese of Miami has removed Father Alberto Cutie from his duties saying that Cutie dishonored the vows of celibacy he promised to uphold. What do you expect women to do? His job security is thousands of years old, guaranteed no STD's, he probably sounds sexy speaking Latin, he'll go to Hell if he cheats, and his last name is Cutie. Please, I don't need competition like this.
2. A hacker is asking for a $10 million ransom after allegedly obtaining millions of prescription drug records from a Virginia website. Credibility is in question, however, as the hacker claims to have Social Security numbers as well, which officials say the database did not contain. Still, police have considered giving into the hackers demands, just to be safe, and then hopefully catch the thief when someone buys $10 million worth of Lord of the Rings weaponry and hay fever medication.
3. President Obama took some criticism on Thursday when he signed a National Day of Prayer proclamation but opted out of a service at the White House. Critics like Shirley Dobson, Chairwoman for the National Day of Prayer Task Force, were extremely disappointed in the President's decision, saying, "At this time in our nation's history, we would hope our president would recognize more fully the importance of prayer." Dobson then noticed the Task Force "prayer signal" in the clouds, swirled around in her cape and tights, and bounded out the window.
4. A new robot teacher in Japan is wowing students and schools. Saya, the creation of Hiroshi Kobayashi, a Professor at Tokyo University of Science, looks incredibly lifelike and can speak 300 phrases and 700 vocabulary words. Underneath, a system of 18 motors controls Saya's wide range of facial expressions and most students said they completely forgot they were learning from a robot. Critics, however, say that while impressive, the Japanese robot has limited use since it is 300 feet tall.
5. Jeff Kepner, the nation's first double hand transplant, is said to be recovering well, after a nine hour surgery on Monday involving 10 hand surgeons. Kepner, who had lost his hands a decade ago, has been mysteriously quiet, spending hours and hours alone in his room. When reporters knocked on the door to ask questions, Kepner yelled, "Just a minute!" which was followed by the hurried sounds of closing drawers and Kleenex dispensing.
High five.
2. A hacker is asking for a $10 million ransom after allegedly obtaining millions of prescription drug records from a Virginia website. Credibility is in question, however, as the hacker claims to have Social Security numbers as well, which officials say the database did not contain. Still, police have considered giving into the hackers demands, just to be safe, and then hopefully catch the thief when someone buys $10 million worth of Lord of the Rings weaponry and hay fever medication.
3. President Obama took some criticism on Thursday when he signed a National Day of Prayer proclamation but opted out of a service at the White House. Critics like Shirley Dobson, Chairwoman for the National Day of Prayer Task Force, were extremely disappointed in the President's decision, saying, "At this time in our nation's history, we would hope our president would recognize more fully the importance of prayer." Dobson then noticed the Task Force "prayer signal" in the clouds, swirled around in her cape and tights, and bounded out the window.
4. A new robot teacher in Japan is wowing students and schools. Saya, the creation of Hiroshi Kobayashi, a Professor at Tokyo University of Science, looks incredibly lifelike and can speak 300 phrases and 700 vocabulary words. Underneath, a system of 18 motors controls Saya's wide range of facial expressions and most students said they completely forgot they were learning from a robot. Critics, however, say that while impressive, the Japanese robot has limited use since it is 300 feet tall.
5. Jeff Kepner, the nation's first double hand transplant, is said to be recovering well, after a nine hour surgery on Monday involving 10 hand surgeons. Kepner, who had lost his hands a decade ago, has been mysteriously quiet, spending hours and hours alone in his room. When reporters knocked on the door to ask questions, Kepner yelled, "Just a minute!" which was followed by the hurried sounds of closing drawers and Kleenex dispensing.
High five.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
KFC & Porn Stars
1. Stormy Daniels, a porn star from Louisiana, is challenging the disgraced Senator David Vitter in the state's upcoming Senate race. Vitter, a religious conservative, was one of many men whose name and number were found in the call records of a D.C. Madam. Daniels, whose films include Space Nuts and Taken, says politics is not unlike the porn industry. "In porn I can have sex with maybe two or three people at once, but as a politician I can screw an entire population."
2. The L.A. Dodgers' Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for the use of performance enhancing substances. Reports say Ramirez was using a woman's fertility drug, often associated with steroid use. League officials released a statement saying, "This is just the latest in a bizarre fertility drug trend." The league then added, "But now we can finally put to rest the mystery of Jose Conseco giving birth to a litter of bicep creatures."
3. Chaos ensued at KFC's across the country Wednesday after Oprah Winfrey offered a free KFC meal coupon on her website. Many restaurants ran out of food and had to turn away angry customers. Oprah had a similar incident years ago after offering a car to every member of her audience, only to see a backlash when audience members were required to pay the high income tax on the vehicle. Read all about it in next month's Starvation & Poverty Still Rampant Worldwide Quarterly.
4. Oh Thursday, President Obama presented the details of his $3.6 trillion 2010 budget, and specifically the $17 billion that he eliminated in order to cut spending. When criticized about how tiny $17 billion is compared to the enormous 1,374 page 2010 budget, Obama clicked the roof of his mouth, sighed, and changed to a 10 point Helvetica font.
5. Keifer Sutherland was charged today with headbutting a fashion designer in a nightclub on Tuesday. The fashion designer Jack McCullough says that he sustained a cut to the face after the incident. Still, McCullough is lucky, one investigator says. "We're still sorting out the bodies from a headbutting incident involving Rocky Dennis."
High five.
2. The L.A. Dodgers' Manny Ramirez has been suspended for 50 games for the use of performance enhancing substances. Reports say Ramirez was using a woman's fertility drug, often associated with steroid use. League officials released a statement saying, "This is just the latest in a bizarre fertility drug trend." The league then added, "But now we can finally put to rest the mystery of Jose Conseco giving birth to a litter of bicep creatures."
3. Chaos ensued at KFC's across the country Wednesday after Oprah Winfrey offered a free KFC meal coupon on her website. Many restaurants ran out of food and had to turn away angry customers. Oprah had a similar incident years ago after offering a car to every member of her audience, only to see a backlash when audience members were required to pay the high income tax on the vehicle. Read all about it in next month's Starvation & Poverty Still Rampant Worldwide Quarterly.
4. Oh Thursday, President Obama presented the details of his $3.6 trillion 2010 budget, and specifically the $17 billion that he eliminated in order to cut spending. When criticized about how tiny $17 billion is compared to the enormous 1,374 page 2010 budget, Obama clicked the roof of his mouth, sighed, and changed to a 10 point Helvetica font.
5. Keifer Sutherland was charged today with headbutting a fashion designer in a nightclub on Tuesday. The fashion designer Jack McCullough says that he sustained a cut to the face after the incident. Still, McCullough is lucky, one investigator says. "We're still sorting out the bodies from a headbutting incident involving Rocky Dennis."
High five.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Hamid Karzai & Sexting
1. President Barack Obama said Wednesday in a meeting with the leaders of Pakistan and Afghanistan that he deeply regrets the civilian Afghan casualties of a military incident earlier this week in the western area of the country. Afghan President Hamid Karzai applauded Obama's condolences and said it was a welcomed change to George W. Bush's celebratory fist pump.
2. With the new Star Trek movie on its way to theaters, scientists are once again hypothesizing on the likelihood of warp drive technology, or faster-than-light space travel, previously thought impossible as shown by Einstein. But what if, scientists say, you could move space-time itself, rather than attempt to travel through it? If space-time could move faster than light during the Big Bang, as is believed, could that phenomenon somehow be harness? And should scientists finally discover space-time travel, how long before they crack the fabled "girl's vagina matrix"?
3. New campaigns are starting all over the country to stop an act known as "sexting," or sexual relations had via the exchange of explicit text messages or photos. Authorities are warning teens that "sexting" can damage your future, possibly tainting your image or even costing you a job. Experts say that "sexting" started small, with just the good looking kids doing it, but has since exploded with the iPhone's new "Beer Goggles" app.
4. Amazon revealed its new Kindle DX on Wednesday, a new version of the popular device that is 250% larger than its predecessor. Critics say the DX doesn't offer enough to justify the higher asking price of $489 -- no color graphics or video capability. Amazon, however, insists it has plenty of cool features that make it worth while, including a built-in PDF reader, content from three leading newspapers, and a hunk of silly putty.
5. New York's Guernsey's auction house is preparing the auction of a private collection of torture devices, including an executioner's sword, a tongue-tearer, and a rack for stretching bodies. No word yet on how much the devices will fetch, but the more important question: what will Dick Cheney do with that empty room?
High five.
2. With the new Star Trek movie on its way to theaters, scientists are once again hypothesizing on the likelihood of warp drive technology, or faster-than-light space travel, previously thought impossible as shown by Einstein. But what if, scientists say, you could move space-time itself, rather than attempt to travel through it? If space-time could move faster than light during the Big Bang, as is believed, could that phenomenon somehow be harness? And should scientists finally discover space-time travel, how long before they crack the fabled "girl's vagina matrix"?
3. New campaigns are starting all over the country to stop an act known as "sexting," or sexual relations had via the exchange of explicit text messages or photos. Authorities are warning teens that "sexting" can damage your future, possibly tainting your image or even costing you a job. Experts say that "sexting" started small, with just the good looking kids doing it, but has since exploded with the iPhone's new "Beer Goggles" app.
4. Amazon revealed its new Kindle DX on Wednesday, a new version of the popular device that is 250% larger than its predecessor. Critics say the DX doesn't offer enough to justify the higher asking price of $489 -- no color graphics or video capability. Amazon, however, insists it has plenty of cool features that make it worth while, including a built-in PDF reader, content from three leading newspapers, and a hunk of silly putty.
5. New York's Guernsey's auction house is preparing the auction of a private collection of torture devices, including an executioner's sword, a tongue-tearer, and a rack for stretching bodies. No word yet on how much the devices will fetch, but the more important question: what will Dick Cheney do with that empty room?
High five.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Brett Favre & New Faces
1. A new study reveals that the French spend more time eating and sleeping than any of the world's wealthier nations, with the United States and Spain following closely after. What people sleep the least? ... TERRORISTS!
2. On Tuesday, the woman who underwent the first successful face transplant in the US revealed her new look. Connie Culp's face was terribly disfigured when her husband fired a shotgun at her in 2004. The news conference went without a hitch, until a faceless woman in the crowd yelled, "My god, does my nose really look like that?"
3. A California couple blew the whistle on their daughter's high school cheerleading coach when they discovered she once posed for Playboy Online. The parents immediately told the principal, but not before visiting a nearby preschool where they killed Santa in front of the children.
4. It was reported Tuesday that Brett Favre will be meeting with the Vikings' head coach about a possible comeback with Minnesota, after retiring two years in a row. The Vikings have already started printing up "We'll Miss You, Brett!" tee shirts.
5. Scientists in London today revealed a race car tht runs on the "waste from chocolate factories." The car's body and steering wheel are made from plant fibers while the seat is built from soybean oil foam. In unrelated news, it's been learned that 12 Oompa Loompas have now gone missing.
High five.
2. On Tuesday, the woman who underwent the first successful face transplant in the US revealed her new look. Connie Culp's face was terribly disfigured when her husband fired a shotgun at her in 2004. The news conference went without a hitch, until a faceless woman in the crowd yelled, "My god, does my nose really look like that?"
3. A California couple blew the whistle on their daughter's high school cheerleading coach when they discovered she once posed for Playboy Online. The parents immediately told the principal, but not before visiting a nearby preschool where they killed Santa in front of the children.
4. It was reported Tuesday that Brett Favre will be meeting with the Vikings' head coach about a possible comeback with Minnesota, after retiring two years in a row. The Vikings have already started printing up "We'll Miss You, Brett!" tee shirts.
5. Scientists in London today revealed a race car tht runs on the "waste from chocolate factories." The car's body and steering wheel are made from plant fibers while the seat is built from soybean oil foam. In unrelated news, it's been learned that 12 Oompa Loompas have now gone missing.
High five.
Monday, May 4, 2009
David Hasselhoff & Androids
1. Google is being sued by Illinois software developer Erich Sprecht who claims the corporate giant stole the name Android for its new mobile phone operating system. Sprecht's company "Android Data" was granted a trademark patent in 2002, but the trademark was suspended after Google argued that Sprecht's company had been dissolved for 4 years. Sprecht believes Google "stole first and asked questions later," but Google disagrees, and now he is dead.
2. Warren Buffett, Berkshire Hathaway Inc. chairman and one of the richest men in the world, blamed bankers and insurers for "greed" regarding the bank industry collapse. Once again, that's Warren Buffet... worth nearly $37 billion... calling people greedy. In other news, Michael Vick is reported to be "really annoyed" by those people who dress their pets.
3. A 2 year old British toddler has become the youngest member of the exclusive high-IQ organization Mensa, clocking an IQ of 156. The parents have already begun prepping their daughter for her future schooling by introducing her to more complicated books, a tougher curriculum, and dumpster-proof jumpers.
4. On Saturday, the horse Mine That Bird, a 50-1 shot, won the 135th annual Kentucky Derby. The horse, however, did not fare well in the Glue & Crafts portion of the Derby.
5. David Hasselhoff was hospitalized on Saturday due to poisoning, after the actor was found unconscious on the floor by his daughter and smelled of alcohol. Hasselhoff's reps insist the actor succumb to alcohol poisoning, but doctors believe that Hasselhoff may have simply ingested too much painted-on abs.
2. Warren Buffett, Berkshire Hathaway Inc. chairman and one of the richest men in the world, blamed bankers and insurers for "greed" regarding the bank industry collapse. Once again, that's Warren Buffet... worth nearly $37 billion... calling people greedy. In other news, Michael Vick is reported to be "really annoyed" by those people who dress their pets.
3. A 2 year old British toddler has become the youngest member of the exclusive high-IQ organization Mensa, clocking an IQ of 156. The parents have already begun prepping their daughter for her future schooling by introducing her to more complicated books, a tougher curriculum, and dumpster-proof jumpers.
4. On Saturday, the horse Mine That Bird, a 50-1 shot, won the 135th annual Kentucky Derby. The horse, however, did not fare well in the Glue & Crafts portion of the Derby.
5. David Hasselhoff was hospitalized on Saturday due to poisoning, after the actor was found unconscious on the floor by his daughter and smelled of alcohol. Hasselhoff's reps insist the actor succumb to alcohol poisoning, but doctors believe that Hasselhoff may have simply ingested too much painted-on abs.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Tony Bennett & Genetics
1. Supreme Court Justice David Souter has announced that he will retire this summer, leaving President Obama open for his first Supreme Court nomination. Many analysts believe Obama is likely to pick a woman, and regardless of which woman, one thing can be sure, Clarence Thomas will have a pubic hair ready and waiting.
2. The Chicago Bulls beat the Boston Celtics in triple overtime in game 6 of what many believe to be one of the most thrilling playoff series in NBA history. Boston fans became drunk and rioted in the streets until realizing their team actually lost. The rioting continued.
3. A new study led by a University of Pennsylvania geneticist reveals that Africa is more genetically diverse than the rest of the world combined. Upon hearing the news, the Grand Dragon/Wizard/Skeletor of the KKK said, "See the White race is the pure race! They probably don't even know all their relatives, while I can easily recall all mine, as well as the children fathered with them."
4. An AP study shows that CEO pay fell about 7% in 2008, making the average CEO pay package $7.6 million. On an even sadder note, reports have surfaced that CEO's are now settling for coked-out sluts rather than their usual luxurious, designer drug whores.
5. Tony Bennett was in New Orleans this week to hand out nearly $100,000 is jazz instruments to students from a charter school founded post-Hurricane Katrina. Bennett eventually laid out each instrument one by one onto a table. However, he was at first confused with the situation until an assistant leaned in and whispered, "No, sir, not your penis."
High five.
2. The Chicago Bulls beat the Boston Celtics in triple overtime in game 6 of what many believe to be one of the most thrilling playoff series in NBA history. Boston fans became drunk and rioted in the streets until realizing their team actually lost. The rioting continued.
3. A new study led by a University of Pennsylvania geneticist reveals that Africa is more genetically diverse than the rest of the world combined. Upon hearing the news, the Grand Dragon/Wizard/Skeletor of the KKK said, "See the White race is the pure race! They probably don't even know all their relatives, while I can easily recall all mine, as well as the children fathered with them."
4. An AP study shows that CEO pay fell about 7% in 2008, making the average CEO pay package $7.6 million. On an even sadder note, reports have surfaced that CEO's are now settling for coked-out sluts rather than their usual luxurious, designer drug whores.
5. Tony Bennett was in New Orleans this week to hand out nearly $100,000 is jazz instruments to students from a charter school founded post-Hurricane Katrina. Bennett eventually laid out each instrument one by one onto a table. However, he was at first confused with the situation until an assistant leaned in and whispered, "No, sir, not your penis."
High five.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
