1. A government source reports that Osama bin Laden's son, Saad bin Laden, may have been killed during an airstrike in Pakistan. However, U.S. officials warn that it's difficult to be certain, and besides there are still over 300 sons to go.
2. It was revealed today that white Cambridge Sgt. James Crowley, who mistakenly arrested black Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates last week, is actually a police expert on racial profiling. Crowley says he just wants to move past all this and get back to training for his life long dream of playing center for the Boston Celtics.
3. On Thursday, Chicago White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle threw the 18th perfect game no-hitter in MLB history. In honor of the no-hitter, Sox fans returned to their trailers and ceremoniously waited 18 minutes before their next domestic disturbance.
4. This morning FBI agents made the rounds in New Jersey to arrest more than 44 people on charges of corruption and money laundering, including mayors, religious leaders, and assemblymen. The extensive corruption investigation is one of the largest in the state's history, or as locals are calling it, "Thursday."
5. Ben Roethlisberger is denying allegations from a Lake Tahoe casino hostess who says the Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback raped her. In a statement released today, Roethlisberger called the charges reckless and false. "Not that I haven't had my share of tight ends, if you know what I'm saying!" added Roethlisberger, throwing up a high five.
High five.
Showing posts with label New Jersey. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New Jersey. Show all posts
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Michael Bay & Sandwiches
1. German engineers say they have created a battery that can be printed like a silk-screened shirt. The battery weighs less than a gram, is less than a millimeter thick, and can generate voltage similar to a AAA battery. Oh, Germans... trying so hard to make us forget Hitler.
2. A New Jersey man was attacked by a bear in his driveway this week after the animal apparently smelled a sandwich in the man's car. The man did not sustain major injuries and walked away mostly unharmed. However, in the bear's defense, the man was eating a bear sandwich.
3. The Sears Tower unveiled its new 103rd floor glass balcony on Wednesday, giving visitors the feeling of floating on air 1,300 feet above the ground. Designers of "The Ledge" were particularly proud of the work they had done to guarantee a genuine experience. Said Sears Tower property owner John Huston, "We talked to a lot of junkies."
4. The U.S. Congressional Research Service said today that a missile launched by North Korea could theoretically reach Hawaii. However, experts point out that the launch would need to be perfect and such a missile is as likely to hit water as it is land. In a statement released this afternoon, a group of mutant, water-breathing Hawaiians said, "Shit."
5. After Transformers star Megan Fox insinuated in an interview that the latest installment was hardly Shakespeare, Director Michael Bay retorted that Fox still had "a lot of growing up to do." Bay then announced plans to do a Romeo & Juliet remake. The director said that in his version Juliet will have "way bigger jugs," but the two lovers will still die in the end... of explosion.
High five.
2. A New Jersey man was attacked by a bear in his driveway this week after the animal apparently smelled a sandwich in the man's car. The man did not sustain major injuries and walked away mostly unharmed. However, in the bear's defense, the man was eating a bear sandwich.
3. The Sears Tower unveiled its new 103rd floor glass balcony on Wednesday, giving visitors the feeling of floating on air 1,300 feet above the ground. Designers of "The Ledge" were particularly proud of the work they had done to guarantee a genuine experience. Said Sears Tower property owner John Huston, "We talked to a lot of junkies."
4. The U.S. Congressional Research Service said today that a missile launched by North Korea could theoretically reach Hawaii. However, experts point out that the launch would need to be perfect and such a missile is as likely to hit water as it is land. In a statement released this afternoon, a group of mutant, water-breathing Hawaiians said, "Shit."
5. After Transformers star Megan Fox insinuated in an interview that the latest installment was hardly Shakespeare, Director Michael Bay retorted that Fox still had "a lot of growing up to do." Bay then announced plans to do a Romeo & Juliet remake. The director said that in his version Juliet will have "way bigger jugs," but the two lovers will still die in the end... of explosion.
High five.
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