Sarah Palin & Healthy Sperm

1. Alaska Governor Sarah Palin said in a recent interview that in a head-to-head race with President Barack Obama she would win. Palin is featured in the latest issue of Runner's World Magazine and has been dubbed as the nation's "hottest" governor. Though, saying Palin is the hottest of all the U.S. governors is like saying Oprah is the hottest of all the female Black billionaires. Sorry, Vermont governor Jim Douglas...


2. A Florida man is facing battery charges after allegedly spraying his wife with the hose when she began smoking is the house. The man was taken to Martin County Jail and released after posting bail, but it's just nice to see Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown taking it down a notch.

3. New statistics are showing that 2/3 of American adults are considered overweight. Initially scientists thought the number would be higher but later hypothesized that fat people just look like more.

4. A study out of Australia shows that daily sex makes for healthier sperm. Dr. David Greening of a Sydney fertility center asked a group of 118 men to ejaculate everyday for a week, which resulted in increased sperm quality as the week went on. SCIENCE: Giving women fewer and fewer excuses to turn you down.

5. A new military photo of an F-22 Raptor breaking the sound barrier is sweeping across the Internet. The phenomenon often -- but not always -- follows the sound barrier being broken. It can also be seen in other events when incredible speeds are reached such as during a nuclear blast, shortly after a space shuttle launch, and whenever Spencer or Heidi Pratt spot a camera.


High five.

Billy Mays & Mind-Reading Wheelchairs

1. Billy Mays, renowned television pitchman who brought you products such as Mighty Putty and OxiClean, has passed away at the age of 50. Mays' funeral is open to the public, but call to make reservations. Call within the next 10 minutes and you'll be invited to a second funeral of your choice, absolutely free.

2. An autopsy for TV pitchman Billy Mays is scheduled as details of his death remain a mystery. Coroners performing the autopsy say it will likely take a number of weeks but that it would be much longer if not for Billy Mays' new "Autops-EZ!"

3. Iraqis celebrated with fireworks today as American troops handed over security to Iraqi forces. Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki declared a national holiday and June 30 as "National Sovereignty Day." 500,000 people were killed in the celebration.

4. Authorities say a recent photo of Kim Jong Il may be recycled from an earlier appearance, leading many to believe his health is worsening. Furthermore, experts say Kim's hair may have been recycled from a much younger photograph of the dictator, leading many to believe that his toupee has been dead for some time.

5. Using Mattel toy technology, Toyota has developed a mind-reading wheelchair that moves according to the user's will. Testing of the product however was unsuccessful as most users attempted to will the scientists to fix their disabled legs.

High five.

ADHD & Captured Memories

1. While people mourn the death of both Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett, Jeff Goldblum is alive and well after reports circulated the Internet that he had also died. Goldblum's rep released a statement saying the actor is in fact fine, but did receive his usual daily mail bag of death threats.

2. It was reported today that the Jackson family would like a second autopsy done on superstar Michael Jackson after many questions have been raised concerning his death. However, the coroner's office released a statement today saying they don't have a 50 year old Black man in their possession, only what looks to be a much older Chinese lady.

3. A student is getting life in prison after killing another man over a Playstation. Looks like... game over for him?!


4. New findings in Molecular Psychiatry link hundreds of genes to Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). Scientist believe this is just the beginning in the push to Mars rover Batman ice cream elephant Sportscenter.

5. Scientists at UCLA have captured the first ever image of a memory being made at the cellular level. The biochemists used sea slugs, which have been helpful in brain cell research, to capture the image. Still no word yet on the ability to erase memories, but the producers of According To Jim have their fingers crossed.

High five.

Michael Jackson & Strip Searches

1. The White House announced today that President Obama would nominate former Bush administration official Meredith Attwell Baker to a Republican seat on the FCC. Meanwhile, Meredith Vieira remains optimistic that Obama will honor her request to be Secretary of Dimly Lit Game Show Stages.


2. Critics are questioning whether or not a Christian publisher should publish a book written by Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 considering recent allegations of infidelity and now a looming divorce. However, the publisher was quick to point out, "We're Christians. Sweeping things under the carpet is what we do."

3. The United States Supreme Court today ruled 8-1 that a 13 year old Arizona student's rights had been violated when her school performed a strip search on her to find Ibuprofen. Justice Clarence Thomas was the only Justice who dissented in the vote, making for an extremely awkward Justice luncheon tomorrow.

4. 70's sex symbol Farrah Fawcett passed away today at the age of 62. Funeral arrangements are being made for this weekend, but Fawcett will make a special nostaglic appearance tonight at the computer desks of men age 30-60.

5. The "King of Pop" Michael Jackson died suddenly today at the age of 50 after reportedly going into cardiac arrest. Paramedics performed CPR on the singer at his L.A. home and then rushed him to UCLA Medical Center where he was pronounced dead. Jackson representatives then honored Jackson's last dying wishes by checking Macaulay Culkin's pulse.

High five.

Mark Sanford & Pubescent Galaxies

1. The Academy of Motion Pictures announced Wednesday that it will double the number of Best Picture nominees, increasing it to 10 films. The news was met with skepticism as to the intentions behind the move -- whether to increase inclusion or increase profits. More puzzling however was the announcement that 1 of the 10 films nominated must include Dame Judi Dench as Queen Elizabeth.

2. Bad news hit the Republican party today as Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford admitted to having an extramarital affair, only about a week after Republican Senator John Ensign owned up to an affair. Even more damaging to conservatives, the ancestors of Sanford's mistress were not on the Mayflower.

3. A new study using NASA's Chadra X-Ray Observatory revealed that large blogs seen in space are pubescent galaxies and not infant galaxies as previously thought. Scientists could not get much greater detail however as one blob shouted, "Get the fuck out of my room -- I wish you were dead!" and slammed its bedroom door.

4. North Korea warned the U.S. today that it would be justified in unleashing a "fire shower of nuclear retaliation" after the U.S. promised to aid South Korea in nuclear defense. President Obama then refilled Kim Jong Il's sippy cup and laid the ornery dictator down for a much needed nap.

5. A prehistoric bird-bone flute unearthed in Germany is officially the world's oldest handmade instrument, carved about 35,000 years ago. Archeologists say this proves ancient Europians had a "complex and creative culture." In a news conference, a red-faced Vatican representative stammered, "Yeah, well... look at this Rueben I just grilled up... these grill marks look awfully similar to the crucifix, don't they? Ha, take that Science!"

High five.

Ponzis & Plagiarism

1. A self-published author from Cape Cod is accusing View co-host Elizabeth Hasselbeck of plagiarism. Author Susan Hassett says she sent Hasselbeck a copy of her book Living With Celiac Disease after finding out the star had the illness, but was later shocked when portions of the book were copied word for word in Hasselbeck's book The G-Free Diet. Hasselbeck denies the claims saying, "I think it's pretty obvious I can't read or write."

2. Legendary Tonight Show sidekick Ed McMahon died today at the age of 86. While news of his passing was met with an outpouring of support from the Hollywood community, a deceased Johnny Carson was heard muttering, "Thank God, I'm dyin' up here."

3. A 9 year old boy from Utah survived the night alone after his family lost him in the northern Utah forest. Grayson Wynne says he survived by following the examples of Bear Grylls of Man Versus Wild, one of his favorite TV shows. As night fell, Grylls tutelage paid off and Wynne quickly found a Best Western.

4. The defense lawyer for Bernard Madoff, the mastermind behind the largest Ponzi scheme in history which defrauded nearly $65 billion from investors, says that 12 years in prison is sufficient for the 71 year old. "After all," said lawyer Ira Lee Sorkin, "it's not like he's a pot-dealing Black guy."

5. IBM has been chosen by the U.S. government to build a 20-petaflop supercomputer for the National Nuclear Security Association (NNSA) -- 20 times faster than the fastest supercomputer in the world today. The NNSA says its systems are running too slow, but after taking a look the NNSA's setup, IBM assured them it'll run plenty fast as soon as they get rid of all the Clinton administration porn.

High five.

Huckabee & Blu-Ray

1. Former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said today that the U.S. should show better support for those protesting election results in Iran. "God help us if we do not hear their voices," said the former Arkansas governor. Huckabee then grabbed his bass and played a fat solo with a no-armed juggling veteran who thinks America is headed in the wrong direction.

2. On Monday, a 5.4 magnitude quake shook Anchorage, Alaska. Governor Sarah Palin said in a statement that the quake was not major and that little damage was caused and that her remaining virgin daughters are still virgins, David Letterman.

3. It's being reported today that Jon and Kate Gosselin of TLC's Jon & Kate Plus 8 have filed for divorce. When asked if she would still go by Gosselin, Kate said she will likely go back to her maiden name Incubator.

4. Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said this weekend that he won't run for governor of California. Analysts believe Villaraigosa is avoiding the steep competition from other political heavyweights. Villaraigosa says he doesn't want to deal with the expected lengthy campaign, so instead he'll just go back in time and kill who ever built Arnold Schwarzenegger.

5. A new poll taken by Harris Interactive shows that 93% of Americans feel they are unlikely to purchase a Blu-Ray DVD player within the next year. The digital media industry today scoffed at the poll results saying, "Just wait, they'll totally love our next format change."

High five.

Megyn Kelly & Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed

1. Police discovered earlier this week that James Von Brunn, the White supremacist who shot up the U.S. Holocaust museum, maintained a collection of child pornography on his computer. This just in: James Von Brunn apparently also masturbates with the blubber of baby seals.

2. Republican Senator John Ensign, the congressman who recently came forward to admit to an extramarital affair was reportedly forced to do so by the husband of his mistress. The husband wrote Fox News' Megyn Kelly asking her to investigate the Senator's bad behavior. Kelly responded promptly to the letter saying, "Thank you, fine American. This Republican's inappropriate affair does call into question Obama's leadership."

3. Frank Lloyd Wright's famous Ennis House is being sold for $15 million, according to Christie's. Christie's says so far it's received a lot of offers, but all sexual.

4. The inventor of the Magic Fingers Vibrating Bed died on Wednesday at the age of 92. His wake will be held at St. Luke's funeral home in Fort Pierce, FL from 3:00PM to 3:15PM, but may be extended with exact change.

5. Microsoft announced today that it will be providing consumers with free anti-virus software, and reviews of the product show it to be extremely effective. You install the program onto a computer running Windows, and then anytime you turn the computer on the program will immediately call an Apple store and place an order.

High five.

D&D & DNA

1. Scientists at the University of Colorado have discovered what they believe to be definitive evidence that water once existed on Mars. The research team found the unmistakable characteristics of a shoreline they say surrounded a lake about 3.5 billion years ago. Even stronger proof is Martian paparazzi photos of topless Martian celebrities at the beach.

2. Even though testing has exonerated 240 people, the Supreme Court said on Thursday that convicts "have no constitutional right to test DNA evidence." The ruling came in a case involving an Alaskan convicted of attacking a prostitute. Experts say this ruling won't change much in the way of DNA testing, as prostitutes will always be Nature's DNA testers.

3. PETA is frustrated with President Obama after he swatted a fly during an interview with CNBC. The animal rights group said it would send the President a humane bug catcher that allows users to trap bugs and release them outside unharmed. In Obama's defense though, in the fly community, the fly he swatted was a convicted sex offender.

4. Wizards of the Coast, the company that publishes the handbooks for Dungeons & Dragons is suing eight people after the latest D&D handbook was illegally posted on Scribd.com. This prolongs the age old question: what is worse, playing D&D, or to wanting to play D&D so badly you will break the law to do it?

5. Some members of the GOP are questioning the credentials of Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, asking if she will speak "for all of us, or just for some of us." The criticism was made by a top GOP official after a GOP-led United Negro College Fund fundraiser co-sponsored by Bob Jones University with a keynote address by Justice Antonin Scalia. Wait, I'm sorry, I seem to be reading the Bizarro World news again.

High five.

Texting Champion & Gold Vending Machines

1. Thomas Geissler, owner of the company TG Gold, is taking advantage of the weak global economy and placing gold vending machines throughout Europe. With gold being such a safe investment, Geissler believes the idea will be a fruitful one and hopes it will spread worldwide. Analysts are unsure how the machine would play in the U.S., but say it couldn't be much worse than the unpopular pink slip vending machine.

2. Chace Crawford, hunk actor of the show Gossip Girl, was named People's hottest bachelor. Chace Crawford was followed closely by heartthrob Brock Jensen, sex-having Crash Reynolds, and muscle-flexing Tex Tamlin. This joke brought to you by Five Jokes reporter Jet Driver.

3. On Tuesday, Kate Moore, a 15 year old from Iowa, became the U.S. texting champion, beating out 250,000 other competitors and winning $50,000. "Let your kid text during dinner! Let your kid text during school! It pays off," said Moore. Yes, kids, text all you can at all times of the day and you, too, can reach the high point of your life at age 15.

4. An 18 year old Belgian teen says she was shocked to wake up in a tattoo parlor chair to see 56 stars tattooed on her face instead of the 3 stars she claims to have asked for before falling asleep. The tattoo artist says the girl got exactly what she wanted and that it was only a problem after her dad saw the results. Perhaps this young girl should look on the bright side; if she's racing to the tattoo parlor already at 18, this probably isn't the most regretful thing she'll wake up to in her life.

5. Today Ivan "Pudge" Rodriguez broke the MLB record for most games ever played at the catcher position. Rodriguez said it is "an honor" to have crouched behind the plate for those 2,227 games. Rodriguez concluded his interview then hobble away on his half human half aircraft grade titanium legs.

High five.

MySpace & Smart Phones

1. On Tuesday, MySpace announced that it would be cutting about 30% of its workforce, leaving the company with about 1,000 employees. The social networking site says employees will not be informed of their termination, but will "get the idea" once taken off the company's top 1,000 friends list.

2. Today the company Research In Motion revealed their latest smart phone, the Blackberry Tour. Developers say what makes this thing so smart is that it already comes preprogrammed with directions to the nearest iPhone store.

3. Some Toledo, Ohio residents are angry over recent citations which fined them for parking in their own driveways. A city law forbids citizens from parking on unpaved surfaces, which includes gravel driveways. No word yet from the mayor of Toledo, but there was an usual lump in his recently paved driveway with his exact size and shape.

4. A man in Norway, part of an online computing project, has discovered the largest prime number ever, a number which is 13 million digits long. The man says he's excited to be a part of this project but is waiting for results from a second worldwide computing project: finding him a date.

5. The Obama White House is refusing to hand over visitor records, carrying on the tradition of the Bush administration. Obama critics say this is proof that the President is likely hiding some embarrassing allegiances, as some recent photos prove once and for all! (dum dum DUM!) ...


High five.

Bryce Harper & Afgan Weddings

1. U.S. software company Solid Oak Software is making claims that a Chinese company ripped off its software code to make Green Dam, an anti-pornography program the Chinese government recently ordered all new PCs to carry. Solid Oak says the program contains dated 2004 news that's unlikely to have been added by the Chinese. Looking at the code, a Chinese government spokesperson said, "That's absurd, we Chinese really enjoy... uh, seeing the Boston Red Sox win the World Series in base of ball."

2. Iranians took to the streets this weekend to protest after a historic vote for president was marred by allegations of fraud and rigging. Critics say the speed at which they counted 40 million hand written paper ballots -- hours -- is suspicious. However, upon hearing the news, Chicago mayor Richard Daley said, "Try counting with votes from dead people, too!"

3. Taliban fighters attacked a group of musicians at an Afgan wedding over the weekend, shaving their heads and tying them to trees. Analysts suspect it's because the Taliban once banned music, calling it un-Islamic, but in a statement released today, the Taliban fighters said, "Is Brown-Eyed Girl, like, the first song every wedding band learns???"

4. Sixteen year old high school baseball sensation Bryce Harper, refered to by some as the "Chosen One," has decided to quit high school, obtain his GED, and attend a community college in the fall, leading many to believe that he will enter the 2010 MLB Draft. While extremely talented, some experts say that by not attending a traditional college, Harper will miss out on a first rate education, important social developments, and the chance to not have to play with his own balls.

5. Dick Cheney is upset over comments made by CIA Director Leon Panetta. Panetta reportedly told the New Yorker he thinks Cheney is crossing his fingers for another attack on America. Cheney told Fox News, "I hope my old friend Leon was misquoted." Panetta clarified today saying, "I would never say anything like that about Mr. Cheney without also including fat ass."

High five.

Rat Island & Fingerprints

1. On Friday, an appeals court overturned a ruling that would have required George W. Bush to give a deposition under oath in a lawsuit regarding his presidential library. The panel of three judges said in a statement, "It's not that there's no reason for the former President to testify, it's just economic times are tough and we can't afford the interpreter."

2. A simple experiment by engineers in England has proven that fingerprints did not evolve in humans for the purpose of grip, as was previously thought. The engineers did not publicly state what they believe to be the true purpose of the fingerprint, but sources say they're working on a new scientific paper entitled, "Prehistoric Cop Shows."

3. Actor Stephen Baldwin's foreclosed New York home will reportedly go to auction after Baldwin defaulted on $824,000 in payments to the mortgage holding bank. Perhaps this will convince Stephen once and for all that God just doesn't like him very much.

4. After 229 years, Alaska's Rat Island is finally free of rats. The island became infested when a Japanese shipwreck let loose the rodents, nearly driving a local bird population to extinction. Scientists are confident the rats will not return but were shocked when they discovered another animal had stowed away on their research boats. Scientists are now finding a way to rid the island of Stephen Baldwin.

5. A photo taken by an Iowa woman may have revealed a new type of cloud. Scientists are hesitant to create a new cloud type and say more research is needed. However, some cloud aficionados such as the England-based Cloud Appreciation Society are pushing for scientists to recognize Jane Wiggins' photographed cloud as at least a subclass. After further investigation, the Cloud Appreciation Society member list is eerily similar to the member list of the Battlestar Galactica Fan Club.

High five.

Joe Montana & Airline Technology

1. According to an affidavit, a notebook of James Von Brunn, the man who shot a security guard at the U.S. Holocaust museum, reportedly describes President Obama as being "created by Jews." Brunn's mental health is still in question, but he goes on to say, "And they built him in their Jew tree house, wearing their colorful Jew hats and Jew garb. Keebler, maybe the Jewishest name ever."

2. The NCAA today put the University of Alabama on a three-year probation, citing major violations relating to textbook distribution. The football team has been forced to give up any wins from the '05-'06 and '07-'08 seasons. Trying to find the silver lining in the penalty, the University of Alabama said in a statement, "We're looking forward to the end of this three-year probation, but 18 months really isn't that long."

3. Research announced on Thursday reveals that video game sales dropped 23% in the month of May, the first time sales were below a billion since last August. In other news, doctors are seeing a surge in hospital visits by men age 18-25 for increased exposure to conversation.

4. After months of careful thought and public anticipation, Nick Montana, son of legendary NFL quarterback Joe Montana, has decided to play football for the Huskies at the University of Washington. It's safe to say we'll all sleep a little better tonight.

5. Executives at several airlines are giving less than optimistic outlooks for the airline industry. Fuel prices are rising and with demand so low, CEO's say that fare increases are almost guaranteed. Likely exacerbating the problem is the bizarre, industry-wide introduction of the latest in "rape seat" technology.

High five.

The FDA & Slutty Flight Attendants

1. Actor Shia LaBeouf told a magazine this week, "I don't know what an actor does. To my mind talent doesn't really exist." Read all about it in this month's issue of Fish In A Barrel Made Of Fish.

2. Late Show host David Letterman is under fire from Sarah Palin supporters after making sexual jokes about the Alaskan Governor and her daughter. Letterman said Plain had the style of a "slutty flight attendant" then made a joke about Palin's daughter getting "knocked up by Alex Rodriguez," during a trip to Yankee Stadium. In a statement to Fox News, Palin said, "These jokes are completely unfair. I am not slutty. Just ask my slutty, unwed, teenage daughter."

3. On Wednesday, the FDA approved three new anti-psychotic drugs for use with children, leaving some experts concerned about the effects of the drugs on kids. "It's a slippery slope ... I just get worried about where this is going," said the head of the National Institute of Mental Health. "I mean, if they're all normal, how am I going to know which neighborhood kid dissected my cat?"

4. Miss California USA Carrie Prejean was fired on Wednesday by pageant head Donald Trump based on what are said to be contract violations, such as the unwillingness to make appearances on behalf of the organization. Trump said in a statement, "Carrie is a beautiful young woman and I wish her well as she pursues her other interests." Trump and Prejean were married this afternoon.

5. James Von Brunn, the man who opened fire inside a crowded Holocaust museum today before being shot by officers, reportedly has a long history of White supremacist ties. Researchers have discovered an Internet book written by Brunn called, "Kill the Best Gentiles ... a new hard-hitting expose of the JEW CONSPIRACY to destroy the White gene-pool." The only thing hit hard here is your head when attempting to dive into Brunn's gene pool.

High five.

MLB Draft & Slim Jims

1. At a fundraiser for the Republican House and Senate committees, keynote speaker Newt Gingrich fired harsh criticism at Obama, saying the president's economic policy has "already failed." In other news, scientists may get their first glimpse at the birth of a star as they've identified a region in space containing a concentration of superheated gas. Oh, wait... I'm sorry, that's still the Gingrich speech.

2. Twenty people were taken to the hospital Tuesday after an explosion in a North Carolina Slim Jim factory. Police won't say if foul play is involved, but they have put out an arrest warrant for Macho Man Randy Savage.

3. A new study shows that the HIV rate among teenage South Africans has dropped significantly, justifying the huge efforts made to curb the epidemic. When asked what largely accounted for the reduction, South African leaders said, "Oh, just some traditional African remedies. You know, guns, violence, civil unrest."

4. More and more Americans are being sent to the emergency room thanks to their computers, a new study says. Large numbers of people are tripping over cords, dropping monitors on their toes and banging heads in and around their PCs. Commenting on the surge of patients, one doctor said, "All the more reason to wear protective eye wear when you masturbate."

5. San Diego State pitcher Stephen Strasburg was chosen no. 1 in the 2009 Major League Baseball Draft by the Washingtion Nationals, a lock for the first pick by all accounts. Slight confusion, however, during the 31st pick when the Chicago Cubs selected a box of hankies.

High five.

Apple & Supermassive Black Holes

1. Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor fractured her ankle on Monday after tripping at New York's LaGuardia Airport. The federal judge is said to be doing fine and is even keeping her appointments with Senate members regarding the vote on her confirmation. When told of the story, Newt Gingrich folded his arms, pouted, and said, "Well... I still think she's stupid."

2. Engineers at the University of California Davis are raising new concerns about how green public transportation is compared to driving. Their studies show that when all data is considered, depending on certain factors such as occupancy levels, it is often greener to drive a car, even an SUV, than it is to ride a train. The news caused SUV sales to rise slightly while Craigslist and eBay report plummeting train sales.

3. Today, Apple Inc. cut the price of its entry level iPhone in half to $99. Did you hear that, ladies? You wanted more creepy guys drunk dialing you, gawking at your Facebook pictures, and generally having better technology to find you? Apple answered the call!

4. The Chinese government is now requiring all PC's to come equipped with anti-pornography software, continuing the country's lengthy history of Internet censorship. After already placing restrictions on the number of children you can have, and now restrictions on porn, Chinese leaders say "Operation: Make Humans Least Fun Species Ever" is well underway.

5. Scientists are reporting that the supermassive black hole in the nearby galaxy M87 is actually two or three times heftier than previously thought, about 6.4 billion times the mass of our sun. However, scientists say with great certainty that Rush Limbaugh is still as hefty as previously thought.

High five.

Conservatives & Donut Day

1. An 11 year old boy has graduated from East Los Angeles Community College. He began college at the age of 8 and hopes to become an astrophysicist one day. I would like to be impressed by this kid, but come on, it is community college.

2. On Friday, Lance Armstrong welcomed the birth of his fourth child, Max, who came in at 7 pounds 5 ounces. Max is already a favorite for this year's Tour de France, but hour-old doping allegations may hinder his chances.

3. A new study out of Cornell finds that people of a more conservative political persuasion are more easily disgusted. Perhaps I can make this blog more suspenseful for my conservative readers... AHH WELFARE! ... EEEK TAXES! ... RAWR PENISES TOUCHING!

4. Thursday, June 5th was National Donut Day as free donuts were being handed out by businesses nationwide. Visit a local donut shop June 6th and join the vigil for National Day of Regret & Self Loathing.

5. Kelly Clarkson is speaking out about the scrutiny regarding her weight. "I love my body. I'm very much OK with it," says the former American Idol winner. I would continue this joke but Blogger keeps telling me I've reached their posting weight limit.

High five.

Al Gore & God's Guns

1. San Francisco Giants pitcher Randy Johnson beat the Washington Nationals on Thursday to gain his 300th career win, only the 24th pitcher in history to do so. It's an amazing achievement in baseball these days, but experts say one thing still keeps Johnson from reaching the baseball Hall of Fame. Johnson is rumored to be taking mullet enhancing drugs.

2. A Kentucky pastor has invited his entire congregation to wear their guns into church to celebrate the Fourth of July. Says the pastor, "We're not ashamed to say that there was a strong belief in God and firearms — without that this country wouldn't be here." Critics say this event is welcomed compared to the pastor's previous idea: bring your former slaves to church.

3. Vice President Al Gore may go to North Korea to help free two American journalists who work for his California-based company Current TV. Gore released a statement today revealing two of his newest inventions for the situation. The first is a new conversational tactic called "negotiation." The second is a groundbreaking airborne vehicle called an "airplane." With these latest Gore inventions, the former VP believes the situation will be rectified soon.

4. The LA Lakers defeated the Orlando Magic in game 1 of the NBA Finals. Kobe Bryant scored a remarkable 40 points, Dwight Howard managed to only score 12, and Jack Nicholson scored with at least 3 Lakers cheerleaders.

5. Angelina Jolie has overtaken Oprah Winfrey on Forbes Magazine's list of the world's 100 most powerful celebrities. Forbes says of Jolie, "She's rich. She's talented. She's beautiful. And now Angelina Jolie is the most powerful celebrity in the world." And not surprising, Forbes Magazine's least powerful celebrity, for the 11th straight year, is Madame Marie Currie.


High five.

Ancient Pottery & Severed Penises

1. Pottery discovered in a southern China cave may be evidence of the earliest use of ceramics by ancient people. Even more incredible, however, was the discovery of an ancient tablet nearby that read, "Lunch Specials."

2. On Wednesday, a bronze statue of Ronald Reagan was revealed in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. The statue reportedly features a new advanced holographic fountain system. To onlookers, water appears to trickle down toward the base, but in fact it is just an illusion.

3. On Sunday, a robotic sub set the record for the deepest ocean dive, traveling 6.8 miles below the surface in the Mariana Trench, the ocean's deepest point. Scientists are now creating a robot to navigate the deepest trench on land: Paris Hilton.

4. A 25 year old Egyptian man cut off his own penis after his family refused to let him marry a lower-class girl. This man cut off his penis for love. Hey, 25 year old Egyptian man, you know what guys also do for love? They ignore their oppressive families, run off to marry their beautiful girls, and have lots of sex using their attached penises.

5. The anti-crime chief of Guinea says that they should burn all armed robbers caught in the act to avoid filling the country's already crowded prisons. The demand sounds preposterous, but to be fair, the anti-crime chief of New Guinea is a medieval Monty Python mob...


High five.

Satan & The Hills

1. Spencer Pratt is reportedly upset with The Hills co-star Audrina Patridge after she said she would never do the show I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here!, which Pratt had joined. Pratt responded saying, "Just because you have a one night stand with a guy who's in a movie called Star Trek doesn't make you a star." Yeah, Audrina. Like Spencer, you have to do other stuff, like... whatever it is in the future he does to warrant the attention he gets now.

2. Kim Jong-il has apparently named his youngest son Kim Jong-un as the successor to his leadership in North Korea. Very little is known about Kim Jong-un, with even the year of his birth being a mystery. One thing is certain, however, he will be bat-shit insane.

3. An Ohio man was executed on Wednesday after being convicted of burning a woman alive. When the man arrived in Hell, Satan considered the punishment then whispered to a demonic associate, "I have a golf game with God in fifteen, you can't think of this one yourselves?"

4. With Obama's appointment of New York Republican Rep. John M. McHugh as Secretary of the Army, the number of Republican representatives in the state is shrinking. Some critics say Obama is purposely appointing Republicans to weaken the party in Congress. Obama insists that he's just appointing the most qualified people he can, which will reportedly continue next week when he appoints New York House Republican Chris Lee as Secretary of White House Board Games.

5. Jon & Kate Plus 8 continues to draw huge audiences while critics maintain that the show exploits the children for ratings. TLC, however, denies any kind of ratings push. In a press release today, the cable network said, "We at TLC vigorously deny and condemn any kind of child exploitation. We care about the wealthfare of these children. Does one of them have superpowers??? Tune in next week and find out!"

High five.

Dick Cheney's Secret & Lasers

1. On Sunday, a Kansas abortion doctor was shot to death in his church by a 51 year old abortion foe, proving once again just how much anti-abortion extremists love life.

2. The world's strongest laser was unveiled at the National Ignition Facility in California this weekend. The operation is made up of 192 separate beams which all converge at a single point the size of a pencil eraser. And yet, scientists say, though the laser is powerful, the shame of your Chinese character/tribal design hybrid tattoo will remain until you die.

3. Today at the Electronic Entertainment Expo (E3), Microsoft revealed a highly anticipated motion sensing device that allows gamers to play games without the need for a physical controller. A Microsoft E3 spokesperson said excitedly, "Gamers will be able to reach out and physically interact with things they never could interact with in the real world; things like dragons, fighter jets, and boobs."

4. On Monday, a federal judge rejected the U.S. government's request to keep secret the unclassified evidence that justifies the imprisonment of 100 Guantanamo Bay prisoners. This is a major victory for detainee lawyers who say the government should not be allowed to imprison people with secret evidence. One government official said the ruling is unfortunate since now many sensitive secrets will be revealed, like the secret to disabling Dick Cheney's half cyborg, half griffin heart.

5. Jerusalem police spokesperson Shmuel Ben-Ruby says a Jewish man is being held today after killing a Palestinian man in an attack this morning. The motive for the killing is so far unclear... but I'm sure we can all dig deep down into our vast knowledge of the universe and venture a tiny guess.

High five.