1. A new study released today shows that in the past year 1 in 7 parents have had a grown up child move back in with them. Experts say that with a struggling economy and a bleak job market, the data is not surprising. See, mom, struggling economy, bleak job market... NOW, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!
2. Today Facebook created a dual-class stock structure aimed at giving stockholders control over the company. The company says they have no plans to go public, but experts say this may be the first step. 19 year old Facebook user Skylar Swenson clicked 'Like,' but then decided she wants to see stronger liquidity and more balanced ratios of Debt to Equity across their Business Units, and quickly 'Unliked.'
3. Google announced Tuesday that it will post over 14,000 photos of Iraqi artifacts as part of an effort to document the Iraqi Museum, ransacked by looters just after the fall of Saddam Hussein in 2003. "The history of the beginning of civilization is made right here and is preserved here in this museum," said Google chief Eric Schmidt. Schmidt was then kidnapped by Iraqi militants using Gmail, Google Maps, and Google's Android phone.
4. Harpo Productions, the company which produces Oprah Winfrey's show, says that there are no plans to do "Oprah's Favorite Things," a seasonal episode where Oprah gives her audience members high priced merchandise for free. "Favorite Things" has made headlines in the past for giving away items like big screen TVs, pricey appliances, and even trips. Oprah's audience will just have to settle for Oprah's favorite brand of surgically implanted, mind control technology.
5. A Christian youth rap group is preaching the benefits of what they call the "side-hug" and trying to deter unmarried Christians from engaging in normal "front hugs" which could result in sinful contact. This of course will change to the "air-hug" when young Christian boys realize the "side-hug" just allows for optimum boob copping.
High five.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Hadron Collider & Hard-On Inside Her
1. This week, former governor Mike Huckabee called "knee-jerk" GOP attacks on President Obama shameful and deplorable. Huckabee added that critics should stop "finding everything wrong and nothing right about the man as a man." This is reminiscent of a similar stance Huckabee took during Bill Clinton's presidency, though the phrase then was "knee burns."
2. In Spain, a group of bulls got loose on the set of the new Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz film "Knight & Day," injuring two people. The local government suspended filming when Tom Cruise's "science magic" did not stop the charging bulls.
3. After nearly a year's worth of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider was successfully restarted much to the delight of scientists involved. The $10 billion machine was created to help answer important questions about the Big Bang. A spokesperson did say however that it will not answer any questions concerning the three-way in the Hadron Collider bathroom, now touted as the "Bigger Bang."
4. RNC member James Bopp Jr. has begun circulating a resolution aimed at establishing a criteria by which someone would be considered part of the GOP, and therefore eligible for Republican backing. The list of 10 items includes strict conservative stances on the defense of marriage, the protection of the unborn, and the support of all things market-based. This is actually the second draft, the first also covering regular tune-ups at the robot store.
5. In a recent interview with Spin magazine, Creed's Scott Stapp defended the sex tape that was released in 2006 featuring him and Kid Rock receiving oral sex from groupies. "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks," said Stapp. Stapp then concluded the interview, having finally reached the front of the soup kitchen line.
High five.
2. In Spain, a group of bulls got loose on the set of the new Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz film "Knight & Day," injuring two people. The local government suspended filming when Tom Cruise's "science magic" did not stop the charging bulls.
3. After nearly a year's worth of repairs, the Large Hadron Collider was successfully restarted much to the delight of scientists involved. The $10 billion machine was created to help answer important questions about the Big Bang. A spokesperson did say however that it will not answer any questions concerning the three-way in the Hadron Collider bathroom, now touted as the "Bigger Bang."
4. RNC member James Bopp Jr. has begun circulating a resolution aimed at establishing a criteria by which someone would be considered part of the GOP, and therefore eligible for Republican backing. The list of 10 items includes strict conservative stances on the defense of marriage, the protection of the unborn, and the support of all things market-based. This is actually the second draft, the first also covering regular tune-ups at the robot store.
5. In a recent interview with Spin magazine, Creed's Scott Stapp defended the sex tape that was released in 2006 featuring him and Kid Rock receiving oral sex from groupies. "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks," said Stapp. Stapp then concluded the interview, having finally reached the front of the soup kitchen line.
High five.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
UCLA & WWJD
1. Members of the University of California Board of Regents today approved a 32% tuition hike amid angry protests by students. Tuition in-state is now estimated to be well over $10,000. Across campus, one UC fraternity sadly emptied the change-filled keg labeled "World's Largest Freestanding Bong Construction Fund."
2. Former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani is reportedly planning a senate run in 2010 to complete the remaining two years of Hillary Clinton's term, which she failed to complete after becoming Secretary of State. Giuliani's exploratory committee has already come up with a number of campaign slogans, including "*cough* 9/11 *cough*," "Ahh! There's a Terrorist On Your Jacket Sleeve!" and "Bin Laden Has Gained the Power of Invisibility and Only I Have the Power To Detect Him."
3. Oprah Winfrey today announced that she will be ending her long-running talk show in 2011. 2011 will be her 25th season on the air, and impressive feat for someone who, as Winfrey points out, "came from nothing," created a billion dollar empire and amassed a huge following. Winfrey says her final show will end with her legions of fans being ceremoniously untagged and released to roam free in the wild.
4. Baseball writers voted on Thursday to give Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum the Cy Young Award for the second straight year. Lincecum made news in October when he was arrested for marijuana possession during a traffic stop. Reporters question Lincecum about the incident during a conference call. The Giants' pitcher elaborated on what happened, though most reporters didn't stick around for the entire 18 hour conference call (with fridge breaks).
5. In an interview with CBN, Sarah Palin, in the midst of a book tour, calls her critics "lonely people ... shallow people ... we need to pray for these people." Palin then told the interviewer that they needed to "keep things in perspective." Oh, well, from this perspective, it looks like you -- the mother of an unwed teenage mom -- are on a Christian TV station actively judging others in promotion of a money-making venture. Care to put your cigarette out in Jesus' hand holes?
High five.
2. Former NYC mayor Rudy Giuliani is reportedly planning a senate run in 2010 to complete the remaining two years of Hillary Clinton's term, which she failed to complete after becoming Secretary of State. Giuliani's exploratory committee has already come up with a number of campaign slogans, including "*cough* 9/11 *cough*," "Ahh! There's a Terrorist On Your Jacket Sleeve!" and "Bin Laden Has Gained the Power of Invisibility and Only I Have the Power To Detect Him."
3. Oprah Winfrey today announced that she will be ending her long-running talk show in 2011. 2011 will be her 25th season on the air, and impressive feat for someone who, as Winfrey points out, "came from nothing," created a billion dollar empire and amassed a huge following. Winfrey says her final show will end with her legions of fans being ceremoniously untagged and released to roam free in the wild.
4. Baseball writers voted on Thursday to give Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum the Cy Young Award for the second straight year. Lincecum made news in October when he was arrested for marijuana possession during a traffic stop. Reporters question Lincecum about the incident during a conference call. The Giants' pitcher elaborated on what happened, though most reporters didn't stick around for the entire 18 hour conference call (with fridge breaks).
5. In an interview with CBN, Sarah Palin, in the midst of a book tour, calls her critics "lonely people ... shallow people ... we need to pray for these people." Palin then told the interviewer that they needed to "keep things in perspective." Oh, well, from this perspective, it looks like you -- the mother of an unwed teenage mom -- are on a Christian TV station actively judging others in promotion of a money-making venture. Care to put your cigarette out in Jesus' hand holes?
High five.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Classy Guy & Sickly Girl
1. A St. Louis school employee was fired this week after it was learned that he had posted a vulgar one word comment in regards to a St. Louis Post-Dispatch website article. The article asked readers about the craziest thing they had ever eaten, and the school employee responded with a one word expletive referring to female genitalia. Fortunately for the unemployed man he quickly found a new job at Classy Guy Magazine.
2. Sarah Palin kicked off her Going Rogue book tour today in Grand Rapids, MI, in front of thousands eager to meet the former Alaskan governor. Many in line praised Palin for her down-to-Earth attitude. "She could be your next door neighbor," said 72 year old Rachel Baragar. "I'd vote for her in a heartbeat." In other news, my next door neighbor -- a fifty year old owner of 17 cats who's pastimes include whiskey and opened bath robes -- would also like to toss her hat into the presidential ring.
3. JP Morgan Chase is setting up a charity program through Facebook that allows users to nominate smaller and lesser known charities for a portion of $5 million the company is giving away. On December 11th, the top 100 charities with the most votes will receive a check from Chase of $25,000. As a Chase customer I would like to nominate The Church of Andy's Overdraft Fees & Latter Day Charges.
4. Nicole Ritchie is being treated for pneumonia after checking herself into a Los Angeles hospital Wednesday. The actress is reportedly doing well, though Doctors were surprised by the diagnosis. "It was odd," recalled one doctor. "Usually Ms. Ritchie is being treated for whore."
5. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he was thinking of ways to tighten the MLB playoff schedule next year. The move comes after so many criticized the 20 days it took the Yankees and Angels to play just 8 games. "They're right," said Selig of the critics. "We're going to try to get the Yankees in there quicker next year."
High five.
2. Sarah Palin kicked off her Going Rogue book tour today in Grand Rapids, MI, in front of thousands eager to meet the former Alaskan governor. Many in line praised Palin for her down-to-Earth attitude. "She could be your next door neighbor," said 72 year old Rachel Baragar. "I'd vote for her in a heartbeat." In other news, my next door neighbor -- a fifty year old owner of 17 cats who's pastimes include whiskey and opened bath robes -- would also like to toss her hat into the presidential ring.
3. JP Morgan Chase is setting up a charity program through Facebook that allows users to nominate smaller and lesser known charities for a portion of $5 million the company is giving away. On December 11th, the top 100 charities with the most votes will receive a check from Chase of $25,000. As a Chase customer I would like to nominate The Church of Andy's Overdraft Fees & Latter Day Charges.
4. Nicole Ritchie is being treated for pneumonia after checking herself into a Los Angeles hospital Wednesday. The actress is reportedly doing well, though Doctors were surprised by the diagnosis. "It was odd," recalled one doctor. "Usually Ms. Ritchie is being treated for whore."
5. Baseball commissioner Bud Selig said today that he was thinking of ways to tighten the MLB playoff schedule next year. The move comes after so many criticized the 20 days it took the Yankees and Angels to play just 8 games. "They're right," said Selig of the critics. "We're going to try to get the Yankees in there quicker next year."
High five.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Palin Provocative & Perry Plugged
1. Warehouse retailer Costco says because of pricing disputes they will stop carrying Coca Cola brand products. Coca Cola did not comment but says negotiations are moving forward. Costco owns 560 stores worldwide, and today white trash teeth everywhere celebrated.
2. Tuesday's column from Washington Times editor Wesley Pruden ruffled some feathers when it claimed Obama lacked a "blood impulse" for what America is about due to having a Kenyan father and his mother being "attracted to men of the Third World." Wesley Pruden went home that night and was horrified to find that his daughter had in fact begun dating a boy with an overbite.
3. It was reported in Politics Daily that Senator Orrin Hatch will introduce amendments to the senate health bill which will restrict funding for abortion practices. Democrats say they don't have protection for that sort of thing on them, but that a quick dip with Hatch in the heavily chlorinated, congressional swimming pool should kill off any chances of "making a big mistake."
4. Sarah Palin is reportedly very upset over a recent Newsweek cover photo where she dons a running outfit and poses provocatively. The photo was originally used for the magazine Runner's World, and Palin calls use of the photo by Newsweek "sexist." Palin's critics however call her a hypocrite and point out that she also authorized the photo to be used for the magazine Sexy Sexist Monthly.
5. Katy Perry released an MTV Unplugged CD/DVD on Tuesday, hoping to continue the success she began with her 2008 album One of the Boys. "It was the last real look I wanted to give on the record and show off some of the songs at their most simple," said Perry. Hmm, Katy Perry releases song about kissing a girl... dates English "man" Russell Brand... participates in concert called "unplugged"... Perry showing no interest in me is finally beginning to make sense.
High five.
2. Tuesday's column from Washington Times editor Wesley Pruden ruffled some feathers when it claimed Obama lacked a "blood impulse" for what America is about due to having a Kenyan father and his mother being "attracted to men of the Third World." Wesley Pruden went home that night and was horrified to find that his daughter had in fact begun dating a boy with an overbite.
3. It was reported in Politics Daily that Senator Orrin Hatch will introduce amendments to the senate health bill which will restrict funding for abortion practices. Democrats say they don't have protection for that sort of thing on them, but that a quick dip with Hatch in the heavily chlorinated, congressional swimming pool should kill off any chances of "making a big mistake."
4. Sarah Palin is reportedly very upset over a recent Newsweek cover photo where she dons a running outfit and poses provocatively. The photo was originally used for the magazine Runner's World, and Palin calls use of the photo by Newsweek "sexist." Palin's critics however call her a hypocrite and point out that she also authorized the photo to be used for the magazine Sexy Sexist Monthly.
5. Katy Perry released an MTV Unplugged CD/DVD on Tuesday, hoping to continue the success she began with her 2008 album One of the Boys. "It was the last real look I wanted to give on the record and show off some of the songs at their most simple," said Perry. Hmm, Katy Perry releases song about kissing a girl... dates English "man" Russell Brand... participates in concert called "unplugged"... Perry showing no interest in me is finally beginning to make sense.
High five.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Birth Control & Remote Control
1. The USDA released a report today saying that almost 46 million Americans, about 1 in 7 households are struggling to put enough food on the table. Obama called the trend "unsettling," but said Congress had a plan to fight hunger woven into the health care bill. However, reporters didn't seem to notice anything different about congress members as they entered work today, except of course for the complimentary copies of Soylent Green being handed out.
2. A new government task force is changing the common advice on mammograms, saying women shouldn't bother with mammograms until they're at least 50, rather than 40's as previously thought. The group led by doctors and scientists found that checking too early led to false alarms and needless biopsies. Despite the news, the guy in the airbrushed van outside my apartment insists he will continue to provide mammograms for women of all ages free of charge.
3. Heidi Pratt is reportedly ready to strike back at husband Spencer Pratt after he threatened to get a vasectomy behind her back. Spencer has made it clear that he doesn't want children but Heidi says she may stop using her birth control to get what she wants. Oh my god, I agree with Spencer Pratt: you guys breeding is really not in the best interest of anyone.
4. Lou Dobbs told Bill O'Reilly on Monday that he planned to stay in the "public arena," after leaving CNN. Onlookers say the two TV men got along very well before and after the interview. This added to the speculation that Dobbs may come over to Fox News, a notion strengthened even further that night when Dobbs and O'Reilly went out for a beer and then beat up some illegals.
5. Ken Ober, the host of MTV's Remote Control game show from the 80's, died over the weekend at the age of 52. Authorities arrived at Ober's house on Saturday and found him lying in between the couch cushions. Ober was declared dead shortly after different pairs of batteries were administered yet unsuccessful.
High five.
2. A new government task force is changing the common advice on mammograms, saying women shouldn't bother with mammograms until they're at least 50, rather than 40's as previously thought. The group led by doctors and scientists found that checking too early led to false alarms and needless biopsies. Despite the news, the guy in the airbrushed van outside my apartment insists he will continue to provide mammograms for women of all ages free of charge.
3. Heidi Pratt is reportedly ready to strike back at husband Spencer Pratt after he threatened to get a vasectomy behind her back. Spencer has made it clear that he doesn't want children but Heidi says she may stop using her birth control to get what she wants. Oh my god, I agree with Spencer Pratt: you guys breeding is really not in the best interest of anyone.
4. Lou Dobbs told Bill O'Reilly on Monday that he planned to stay in the "public arena," after leaving CNN. Onlookers say the two TV men got along very well before and after the interview. This added to the speculation that Dobbs may come over to Fox News, a notion strengthened even further that night when Dobbs and O'Reilly went out for a beer and then beat up some illegals.
5. Ken Ober, the host of MTV's Remote Control game show from the 80's, died over the weekend at the age of 52. Authorities arrived at Ober's house on Saturday and found him lying in between the couch cushions. Ober was declared dead shortly after different pairs of batteries were administered yet unsuccessful.
High five.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Coming Prejean & Going Rogue
1. In her new book Going Rogue, Sarah Palin goes into great detail about McCain campaign manager Steve Schmidt and their tumultuous relationship. Palin includes the vetting process where she was asked to reveal any skeletons in her closet, the worst she says being a D she received in a college course. And all this time I figured the worst skeletons in her closet were... the many skeletons of animals in her closet.
2. The site Radar Online has reportedly uncovered 8 more Carrie Prejean sex tapes and dozens of topless photos. Prejean today released a statement regarding the revelations saying, "Those were private moments and I don't have to answer for my own private moments." Unfortunately, Prejean released the statement topless.
3. On Wednesday, a Texas man drove his one million dollar French-built Bugatti Veyron car into a marsh after police say he was distracted by a bird. When asked why he would be distracted by a bird, the man replied, "Actually it was two. I've always been a sucker for a nice pair of boobies."
4. The Obama administration says it may buy a near empty prison in Illinois, about 150 miles west of Chicago, to house inmates from Guantanamo Bay. Critics believe these dangerous terrorists shouldn't be housed anywhere within the US, but President Obama assures critics these inmates will appear less criminal in such close proximity to the city of Chicago.
5. NASA announced this week that after extensive analysis of data from the LCROSS mission they have uncovered water on the moon in the form of ice. The project involved crashing a satellite into a moon crater in the hopes of getting deep enough to find ice. "The argument that the moon is a dry, desolate place no longer... holds water," said one NASA scientist, smiling wryly. Fellow scientists then crushed his skull with a moon rock.
High five.
2. The site Radar Online has reportedly uncovered 8 more Carrie Prejean sex tapes and dozens of topless photos. Prejean today released a statement regarding the revelations saying, "Those were private moments and I don't have to answer for my own private moments." Unfortunately, Prejean released the statement topless.
3. On Wednesday, a Texas man drove his one million dollar French-built Bugatti Veyron car into a marsh after police say he was distracted by a bird. When asked why he would be distracted by a bird, the man replied, "Actually it was two. I've always been a sucker for a nice pair of boobies."
4. The Obama administration says it may buy a near empty prison in Illinois, about 150 miles west of Chicago, to house inmates from Guantanamo Bay. Critics believe these dangerous terrorists shouldn't be housed anywhere within the US, but President Obama assures critics these inmates will appear less criminal in such close proximity to the city of Chicago.
5. NASA announced this week that after extensive analysis of data from the LCROSS mission they have uncovered water on the moon in the form of ice. The project involved crashing a satellite into a moon crater in the hopes of getting deep enough to find ice. "The argument that the moon is a dry, desolate place no longer... holds water," said one NASA scientist, smiling wryly. Fellow scientists then crushed his skull with a moon rock.
High five.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Prejean Post Boobs & RNC Knocked Up
1. On Thursday, federal prosecutors aimed to seize four mosques and a New York Fifth Avenue building that is suspected of being "secretly controlled" by the Iranian government. Authorities have long suspected that Iran held the reigns to the Alavi Foundation, the organization in control of the aforementioned properties. The smoking gun though, say prosecutors, is the jellybean dish full of complimentary "stoning rocks" found in all Alavi buildings.
2. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean said in an interview with Christianity Today that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with a Christian girl getting breast implants. "I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants," said Prejean. Well you miss a lot of things when your view is obstructed by enormous breasts.
3. BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site founded in Denmark in 2002 where only the most beautiful people are allowed to join, finally went live around the world last month. So far, Germans are considered the "ugliest" with only 15% of men and 13% of women being accepted to the site. "It's difficult to determine the ugliest nationality," say the site creators. "But you can't argue with the very exact science of Internet popularity."
4. It was revealed today that the Republican National Committee health insurance plan covers elective abortions, a procedure which the party's own platform refers to as "a fundamental assault on innocent human life." I haven't seen this much hypocrisy since Lou Dobbs ran that pinata factory.
5. A boy from Arkansas has gained national attention after refusing to stand for the pledge and telling his teacher to go jump off a bridge. "I really don't feel that there's currently liberty and justice for all," said 10 year old Will Phillips. Phillips says he feels that gays specifically aren't being given equal rights in this country, at least that's what it sounded like with his head dunked in toilet water.
High five.
2. Former Miss California Carrie Prejean said in an interview with Christianity Today that she doesn't think there's anything wrong with a Christian girl getting breast implants. "I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants," said Prejean. Well you miss a lot of things when your view is obstructed by enormous breasts.
3. BeautifulPeople.com, a dating site founded in Denmark in 2002 where only the most beautiful people are allowed to join, finally went live around the world last month. So far, Germans are considered the "ugliest" with only 15% of men and 13% of women being accepted to the site. "It's difficult to determine the ugliest nationality," say the site creators. "But you can't argue with the very exact science of Internet popularity."
4. It was revealed today that the Republican National Committee health insurance plan covers elective abortions, a procedure which the party's own platform refers to as "a fundamental assault on innocent human life." I haven't seen this much hypocrisy since Lou Dobbs ran that pinata factory.
5. A boy from Arkansas has gained national attention after refusing to stand for the pledge and telling his teacher to go jump off a bridge. "I really don't feel that there's currently liberty and justice for all," said 10 year old Will Phillips. Phillips says he feels that gays specifically aren't being given equal rights in this country, at least that's what it sounded like with his head dunked in toilet water.
High five.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Oprah Guest Vanity & Apologetic Hannity
1. On Wednesday, CNN host Lou Dobbs announced on his show that he would be quitting his job at the network. Dobbs said he's looking forward to standing up for causes and doing more advocacy journalism. Dobbs' body then slumped forward, whirred silent, and the four Mexicans operating his hollow steel body were at long last liberated.
2. On Wednesday's show, Sean Hannity admitted to using misleading footage of an anti-health care protest, even apologizing to Jon Stewart who made the discovery. Hannity used footage of an earlier protest, making the recent anti-health care protest look better attended. "Mr. Stewart, you were right. We apologize," said Hannity. Hannity tried to climb back into his own asshole before his head exploded but was unsuccessful.
3. According to a new study produced by two Harvard medical researchers, 2,266 veterans died last year because they lacked proper health care. That figure is 14 times higher than the number of deaths in Afghanistan in 2008. "Lack of health care is killing off our veterans," says one health care opponent. "What better way to fight those numbers than by starting more wars and creating more veterans?"
4. Yesterday, Oprah interviewed the woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee in February, even showing her extremely disfigured face. The woman, Charla Nash, lost her upper jaw, nose, hands and both eyes because of the incident. When Oprah asked Nash what was going through her head when the chimpanzee began attacking her, Nash replied, "Oh, mostly, 'OW !OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!'"
5. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his people today that he believes the key to the country's future is modernization. Medvedev said the days where Russians carried wheelbarrows full of money to the grocery store are gone and "we need to move forward." Medvedev then introduced new and improved Capitalist brand wheelbarrows.
High five.
2. On Wednesday's show, Sean Hannity admitted to using misleading footage of an anti-health care protest, even apologizing to Jon Stewart who made the discovery. Hannity used footage of an earlier protest, making the recent anti-health care protest look better attended. "Mr. Stewart, you were right. We apologize," said Hannity. Hannity tried to climb back into his own asshole before his head exploded but was unsuccessful.
3. According to a new study produced by two Harvard medical researchers, 2,266 veterans died last year because they lacked proper health care. That figure is 14 times higher than the number of deaths in Afghanistan in 2008. "Lack of health care is killing off our veterans," says one health care opponent. "What better way to fight those numbers than by starting more wars and creating more veterans?"
4. Yesterday, Oprah interviewed the woman who was mauled by a chimpanzee in February, even showing her extremely disfigured face. The woman, Charla Nash, lost her upper jaw, nose, hands and both eyes because of the incident. When Oprah asked Nash what was going through her head when the chimpanzee began attacking her, Nash replied, "Oh, mostly, 'OW !OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!'"
5. Russian President Dmitry Medvedev told his people today that he believes the key to the country's future is modernization. Medvedev said the days where Russians carried wheelbarrows full of money to the grocery store are gone and "we need to move forward." Medvedev then introduced new and improved Capitalist brand wheelbarrows.
High five.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Major Interview Scheduled & Gamer Schedules Cleared
1. Earlier this week, the Daily Show revealed that Sean Hannity, when covering anti-health care protests in Washington, actually used protest footage from a previous protest, with a much larger crowd. Hannity never mentioned the use of the footage, though clearly, as pointed out by Jon Stewart, the footage was identical. More frightening is the revelation that Hannity's look of smug, self-satisfaction has been reused again and again since his show's inception.
2. In a new interview, Black Eyed Peas member Fergie says that she is bisexual and that her husband is "well endowed." Fergie tells The Advocate she has "had a lot of fun with women," but that cheating with a woman would be the same as cheating with a man. In other news, a recent study shows that most modern couples see sleeping with Fergie as neither cheating with a woman or a man.
3. It's being reported that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Major Garrett, after weeks of speculation that the administration had been previously avoiding the network. The President insists no action has been taken to treat Fox News any differently than other news outlets. So tune in next week when Major Garrett interviews President Obama in the White House wind tunnel.
4. Microsoft announced this week it will be banning up to one million Xbox Live players for modifying their game systems or pirating games, a direct violation of the Xbox Live terms of service. Experts say this may actually increase commerce since gamers will look elsewhere for entertainment. Women in bars are advised to be mindful of a "chalky skin color" and a "faint burrito smell."
5. On Tuesday, the American Medical Association asked the federal government to alter its strict view that marijuana is dangerous and admit that it in fact may have medicinal purposes. Analysts say the endorsement could be a catalyst for spearheading further research into the drug's alternative uses. The AMA could not be reached for comment for the 78th straight day, but music of The Who could be heard through the basement windows of AMA offices.
High five.
2. In a new interview, Black Eyed Peas member Fergie says that she is bisexual and that her husband is "well endowed." Fergie tells The Advocate she has "had a lot of fun with women," but that cheating with a woman would be the same as cheating with a man. In other news, a recent study shows that most modern couples see sleeping with Fergie as neither cheating with a woman or a man.
3. It's being reported that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Major Garrett, after weeks of speculation that the administration had been previously avoiding the network. The President insists no action has been taken to treat Fox News any differently than other news outlets. So tune in next week when Major Garrett interviews President Obama in the White House wind tunnel.
4. Microsoft announced this week it will be banning up to one million Xbox Live players for modifying their game systems or pirating games, a direct violation of the Xbox Live terms of service. Experts say this may actually increase commerce since gamers will look elsewhere for entertainment. Women in bars are advised to be mindful of a "chalky skin color" and a "faint burrito smell."
5. On Tuesday, the American Medical Association asked the federal government to alter its strict view that marijuana is dangerous and admit that it in fact may have medicinal purposes. Analysts say the endorsement could be a catalyst for spearheading further research into the drug's alternative uses. The AMA could not be reached for comment for the 78th straight day, but music of The Who could be heard through the basement windows of AMA offices.
High five.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Moore Puma & Less Aerosmith
1. Westboro Baptist Church, a group known for their hate website and dislike for homosexuals, recently protested in front of the school attended by President Obama's daughters Sasha and Malia, calling the girls "satanic spawns" and their father a "murderous bastard." Upon hearing the reports, George W. Bush leaned back in the rocking chair looking over his Crawford, TX ranch and became sadly nostalgic.
2. In the latest issue of W Magazine, Demi Moore discusses what it's like to be a 47 year old women in Hollywood, and also what it's like to be Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. Moore says she doesn't at all mind being called Mrs. Kutcher, but would rather be labeled a puma than a cougar. In other news, Ashton Kutcher was brutally mauled by a puma today.
3. During a Wisconsin speaking engagement Friday, Sarah Palin referenced a change in U.S. coinage, where "In God We Trust" on new coins was to be moved from the face to the edge. The legislation was actually reversed in 2007, but Palin criticized the move asking, "Who calls a shot like that? It's a disturbing trend." Palin was then hit in the face with the edge of a nickel hurled from the audience, leaving no motto imprint.
4. News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch said today that he could in the future block Google searches from picking up his organization's news stories, as a way of forcing users to pay for content. Experts guess Google will likely survive such a move, but say that doesn't make it feel any better to get 'Doch-blocked.
5. According to recent reports and bandmate Joe Perry, Steven Tyler has quit the band Aerosmith. Tyler, 61, broke his shoulder after falling off a stage in South Dakota but has in past months dismissed reports that the band is splitting. The news obviously comes as a bit of a surprise to most Aerosmith fans, who thought Tyler was long dead.
High five.
2. In the latest issue of W Magazine, Demi Moore discusses what it's like to be a 47 year old women in Hollywood, and also what it's like to be Mrs. Ashton Kutcher. Moore says she doesn't at all mind being called Mrs. Kutcher, but would rather be labeled a puma than a cougar. In other news, Ashton Kutcher was brutally mauled by a puma today.
3. During a Wisconsin speaking engagement Friday, Sarah Palin referenced a change in U.S. coinage, where "In God We Trust" on new coins was to be moved from the face to the edge. The legislation was actually reversed in 2007, but Palin criticized the move asking, "Who calls a shot like that? It's a disturbing trend." Palin was then hit in the face with the edge of a nickel hurled from the audience, leaving no motto imprint.
4. News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch said today that he could in the future block Google searches from picking up his organization's news stories, as a way of forcing users to pay for content. Experts guess Google will likely survive such a move, but say that doesn't make it feel any better to get 'Doch-blocked.
5. According to recent reports and bandmate Joe Perry, Steven Tyler has quit the band Aerosmith. Tyler, 61, broke his shoulder after falling off a stage in South Dakota but has in past months dismissed reports that the band is splitting. The news obviously comes as a bit of a surprise to most Aerosmith fans, who thought Tyler was long dead.
High five.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Cao's Conscience & Goldman's God
1. An Iranian student shocked the country this week when during a Q+A session at Tehran's Sharif Technical University he criticized Ayatollah Ali Khamenei face-to-face. Insulting the supreme leader is unheard of in Iranian culture and can result in severe punishment. Many opponents of the Ayatollah have shown great support for the young man and plan to throw a parade for his beaten, bloodied corpse.
2. Chris Brown recently talked to MTV's Sway and addressed the comments made by Rihanna concerning their abusive relationship. "While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us," said Brown. Brown then beat Sway to death with his microphone.
3. In an interview with the London Times, Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein says that by helping companies raise capital, they're creating jobs and in turn helping everyday people. We're doing "God's work," says Blankfein. He then added, "Now, go to Hell."
4. As the only Republican to vote for the health care bill that passed in the House on Friday, Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana told the press that it was a "decision of conscience." When a Republican adviser whispered into Cao's ear the actual definition of "conscience," Cao quickly retracted his statement and sprinted away.
5. On Tuesday the San Jose city council will look at a measure which would ban Styrofoam during city events of more than 1,000 people. Passing the measure would make San Jose the largest city to enact such a law. While most citizens are in favor of the legislation, that guy who had San Jose Shark foam fingers surgically grafted to his hands is actively in opposition.
High five.
2. Chris Brown recently talked to MTV's Sway and addressed the comments made by Rihanna concerning their abusive relationship. "While I respect Rihanna's right to discuss the specific events of February 8, I maintain my position that all of the details should remain a private matter between us," said Brown. Brown then beat Sway to death with his microphone.
3. In an interview with the London Times, Goldman Sachs chairman Lloyd Blankfein says that by helping companies raise capital, they're creating jobs and in turn helping everyday people. We're doing "God's work," says Blankfein. He then added, "Now, go to Hell."
4. As the only Republican to vote for the health care bill that passed in the House on Friday, Representative Joseph Cao of Louisiana told the press that it was a "decision of conscience." When a Republican adviser whispered into Cao's ear the actual definition of "conscience," Cao quickly retracted his statement and sprinted away.
5. On Tuesday the San Jose city council will look at a measure which would ban Styrofoam during city events of more than 1,000 people. Passing the measure would make San Jose the largest city to enact such a law. While most citizens are in favor of the legislation, that guy who had San Jose Shark foam fingers surgically grafted to his hands is actively in opposition.
High five.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Lawsuits & Tracksuits
1. On Thursday, thousands of Tea Party protesters arrived at the Capitol to fight health care legislation. Protesters held signs that read, "Keep your hands off my health care" and showed pictures of the Holocaust. Some tried to rush the congressional offices but were either stopped by police or collapsed from being in such poor health.
2. The band No Doubt is suing the makers of Band Hero because of a feature that allows a singer from one band to sing other artist's songs. Lead singer Gwen Stefani doesn't like that she can be made to sing the "suggestive" Rolling Stones song "Honky Tonk Woman." Game publisher Activision says that No Doubt knew the features and signed off on them. "Besides," said an Activision spokesperson, "on balance, if guys get riled up by Stefani singing 'Honky Tonk Woman,' their boners will shrink from Mick Jagger's 'Just A Girl.'"
3. Today RNC Chairman Michael Steele warned Republicans that attacking each other is pointless and won't help their ultimate cause. Despite losing a House seat in New York, Steele is generally positive. "I was brought into it after the fact," said Steele, "when a nominee who did not fit that district was chosen for purely political reasons." Steele then returned to the RNC offices where he stared motionless at a wall and continued to be Black.
4. Last night the New York Yankees defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in Game 6 to win their 27th World Series. The Phillies, last year's champions, batted only .227 in all six games. Fox reports this as one of the highest rated series in years, and in order to maintain viewership in that time slot they've announced their newest show "Billionaires Play Chess For Master Of The Universe."
5. An executive with Best Buy says that he was denied access to first class by United Airlines because he was wearing a track suit. Armando Alverez said he used his miles to upgrade to first class but when he reached the gate was told he was dressed too casually. It sounds bad but in United's defense, they do have a strict rule forbidding even indirect references to other modes of mobility.
High five.
2. The band No Doubt is suing the makers of Band Hero because of a feature that allows a singer from one band to sing other artist's songs. Lead singer Gwen Stefani doesn't like that she can be made to sing the "suggestive" Rolling Stones song "Honky Tonk Woman." Game publisher Activision says that No Doubt knew the features and signed off on them. "Besides," said an Activision spokesperson, "on balance, if guys get riled up by Stefani singing 'Honky Tonk Woman,' their boners will shrink from Mick Jagger's 'Just A Girl.'"
3. Today RNC Chairman Michael Steele warned Republicans that attacking each other is pointless and won't help their ultimate cause. Despite losing a House seat in New York, Steele is generally positive. "I was brought into it after the fact," said Steele, "when a nominee who did not fit that district was chosen for purely political reasons." Steele then returned to the RNC offices where he stared motionless at a wall and continued to be Black.
4. Last night the New York Yankees defeated the Philadelphia Phillies in Game 6 to win their 27th World Series. The Phillies, last year's champions, batted only .227 in all six games. Fox reports this as one of the highest rated series in years, and in order to maintain viewership in that time slot they've announced their newest show "Billionaires Play Chess For Master Of The Universe."
5. An executive with Best Buy says that he was denied access to first class by United Airlines because he was wearing a track suit. Armando Alverez said he used his miles to upgrade to first class but when he reached the gate was told he was dressed too casually. It sounds bad but in United's defense, they do have a strict rule forbidding even indirect references to other modes of mobility.
High five.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Chris Brown & Green Day
1. Jive Records announced today that Chris Brown's new album Graffiti will be released one week earlier than planned, December 8th rather than December 15th. No word on exactly what prompted the release date to be changed, but insiders say Brown was "eager to get it out there," and Jive's CEO did come out of a meeting with a knife in his eye.
2. In Florida, a prison guard assaulted by an inmate was rescued when two other inmates pulled his attacker off him, with one even radioing other guards. That is going to be an awkward Christmas card: "Thanks for saving my life... sorry about all the shower rape I looked the other way on."
3. It's been announced that Green Day will perform during NBC's New Year's Eve with Carson Daly. "I'm beyond excited," says Daly. NBC is also looking to make it into the record book that night by setting the record for most times an audience thought or wished that a celebrity was already dead.
4. It's been reported that over $71 million dollars was spent for lobbying by companies who were recently bailed out by taxpayers. And experts say most of these companies are actually lobbying for more bailout money. However, analysts all agree, taxpayers will be particularly angry when they discover these companies are lobbying for discounts on "solid gold bailout money containers."
5. President Obama recently held a White House Tribal Nations Conference promising a new effort in America's relationship to the Native Americans. "You will not be forgotten as long as I'm in this White House," said Obama, signing a memorandum to improve tribes participation in government policy. A Native American man then teared up as the President walked away without the returning the pen he took from him.
High five.
2. In Florida, a prison guard assaulted by an inmate was rescued when two other inmates pulled his attacker off him, with one even radioing other guards. That is going to be an awkward Christmas card: "Thanks for saving my life... sorry about all the shower rape I looked the other way on."
3. It's been announced that Green Day will perform during NBC's New Year's Eve with Carson Daly. "I'm beyond excited," says Daly. NBC is also looking to make it into the record book that night by setting the record for most times an audience thought or wished that a celebrity was already dead.
4. It's been reported that over $71 million dollars was spent for lobbying by companies who were recently bailed out by taxpayers. And experts say most of these companies are actually lobbying for more bailout money. However, analysts all agree, taxpayers will be particularly angry when they discover these companies are lobbying for discounts on "solid gold bailout money containers."
5. President Obama recently held a White House Tribal Nations Conference promising a new effort in America's relationship to the Native Americans. "You will not be forgotten as long as I'm in this White House," said Obama, signing a memorandum to improve tribes participation in government policy. A Native American man then teared up as the President walked away without the returning the pen he took from him.
High five.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Stabbing Yourself, Reporting Yourself & Rihanna Herself
1. A Colorado man reportedly stabbed himself in the leg this past week because he didn't want to work his job at Blockbuster. Aaron Seibers, 29, made up a story about being attacked by a group of skinheads, but surveillance footage checked by investigators showed no such attack and Seibers then confessed to stabbing himself. Oh, skinheads... hated even in the world of make-believe.
2. Scientists say that a giant rift in the Ethiopian desert, nearly 35 miles long, will eventually become an ocean. The massive crack, which began in 2005 after a volcanic eruption, is identical to rifts that form on ocean floors, say researchers. This replaces the previous prevailing hypothesis which was disproved when Dick Cheney pulled up his pants.
3. A new study of more than 1,000 patients found that the obese and elderly are more likely to die if they contract H1N1 than are other demographics. When asked why this is, scientist point out that the elderly are often afraid of doctor visits while the obese are afraid to call the crane company.
4. In an interview featured in the current issue of Glamour, Rihanna says that her new album, entitled Rated R, is "super fearless -- which is exactly how I feel right now." In future news, Rihanna's ex-boyfriend Chris Brown's recent stint in prison has been rated X.
5. On Tuesday, a Wisconsin woman called 911 and reported herself to local police as a drunk driver. The dispatcher instructed the woman to pull over and she was soon picked up by police. Authorities arriving at the scene said they weren't sure whether or not to believe the woman since she was "so fucking drunk."
High five.
2. Scientists say that a giant rift in the Ethiopian desert, nearly 35 miles long, will eventually become an ocean. The massive crack, which began in 2005 after a volcanic eruption, is identical to rifts that form on ocean floors, say researchers. This replaces the previous prevailing hypothesis which was disproved when Dick Cheney pulled up his pants.
3. A new study of more than 1,000 patients found that the obese and elderly are more likely to die if they contract H1N1 than are other demographics. When asked why this is, scientist point out that the elderly are often afraid of doctor visits while the obese are afraid to call the crane company.
4. In an interview featured in the current issue of Glamour, Rihanna says that her new album, entitled Rated R, is "super fearless -- which is exactly how I feel right now." In future news, Rihanna's ex-boyfriend Chris Brown's recent stint in prison has been rated X.
5. On Tuesday, a Wisconsin woman called 911 and reported herself to local police as a drunk driver. The dispatcher instructed the woman to pull over and she was soon picked up by police. Authorities arriving at the scene said they weren't sure whether or not to believe the woman since she was "so fucking drunk."
High five.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Cheney Is A Dick & Clinton Statue Erection
1. On Sunday in Kosovo, former President Clinton attended the unveiling of a new statue of himself in a boulevard that also bears his name. Despite Clinton's wishes, officials did not allow the sculptor to add multiple women surrounding the 42nd president. They did however honor his request that the boulevard be only one way, "because I don't go both ways," said Clinton.
2. On Monday, police brought charges against a man accused of stalking American Idol host Ryan Seacrest and may face up to four years in prison. The charges normally call for a longer sentence, but the judge felt by stalking Ryan Seacrest the man clearly had reached rock bottom.
3. In a recent interview country Hall of Famer George Jones criticized modern country music for using the "country music" label. "They need to ... find their own title because it's definitely not traditional country music," said Jones. Jones has just released a CD collection of his most requested country songs through Crack Barrel Old Country Store, recently voted as having the best bathrooms for sneaking off and feeling up your hot cousin.
4. During questioning with the FBI, Dick Cheney reportedly couldn't recall or even refused to answer 72 times in regards to the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Still, CIA officials point out that his refusal to answer was preferable to the 187 other instances when he calmly muttered to everyone in the room, "Go fuck yourselves."
5. On Sunday, Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama calling him "immature, inexperienced, and in over his head." Limbaugh then pulled a sweaty and completely submerged Obama from the marshmallow-like substance that is his belly fat.
High five.
2. On Monday, police brought charges against a man accused of stalking American Idol host Ryan Seacrest and may face up to four years in prison. The charges normally call for a longer sentence, but the judge felt by stalking Ryan Seacrest the man clearly had reached rock bottom.
3. In a recent interview country Hall of Famer George Jones criticized modern country music for using the "country music" label. "They need to ... find their own title because it's definitely not traditional country music," said Jones. Jones has just released a CD collection of his most requested country songs through Crack Barrel Old Country Store, recently voted as having the best bathrooms for sneaking off and feeling up your hot cousin.
4. During questioning with the FBI, Dick Cheney reportedly couldn't recall or even refused to answer 72 times in regards to the outing of CIA agent Valerie Plame. Still, CIA officials point out that his refusal to answer was preferable to the 187 other instances when he calmly muttered to everyone in the room, "Go fuck yourselves."
5. On Sunday, Rush Limbaugh criticized President Obama calling him "immature, inexperienced, and in over his head." Limbaugh then pulled a sweaty and completely submerged Obama from the marshmallow-like substance that is his belly fat.
High five.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Cubs Season & Dobbs Season
1. Today the White House credited the latest stimulus for saving and creating over 600,000 jobs. Administration officials say this keeps America on track for reaching the President's goal of 3.5 million jobs by the end of next year. However, critics point out that the 99% of the jobs created were professional teabaggers.
2. On Friday President Obama said the U.S. will eliminate a decades-old ban which denies people entry into the country if they have HIV. "If we want to be the global leader in combating HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it," said Obama. "Didn't you see the previews for that movie? The world's gonna end in 2012 anyway, so who gives a shit?"
3. The Ricketts family, the new owners of the Chicago Cubs, said Friday at a Wrigley Field news conference that they don't believe in the curse. "I'll be honest. I think we have a team that can do it next year," said Tom Ricketts. Ricketts added, "And the Palestinians and Israelis? They'll start gettin' along real soon. And all these Mexican gangs we keep hearin' about? They'll see the error of their ways before you know it."
4. Records were dug up today to show that Joe Lieberman actively legislated for the elimination of the filibuster, the congressional move which he now plans to utilize in opposition of the senate health care bill. Lieberman could not be reached for comment but did give a thumbs to reporters as he helped unload his monthly truck full of Summer's Eve.
5. This week Lou Dobbs said on his radio show that he and his wife were shot at while inside their home. But today, local police could not confirm if Dobbs was the intended target since hunting season brings an increase in shooting complaints and gunfire activity. The heavily Hispanic New Jersey law enforcement does however say they will take down all their "Dobbs Now In Season" signs.
High five.
2. On Friday President Obama said the U.S. will eliminate a decades-old ban which denies people entry into the country if they have HIV. "If we want to be the global leader in combating HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it," said Obama. "Didn't you see the previews for that movie? The world's gonna end in 2012 anyway, so who gives a shit?"
3. The Ricketts family, the new owners of the Chicago Cubs, said Friday at a Wrigley Field news conference that they don't believe in the curse. "I'll be honest. I think we have a team that can do it next year," said Tom Ricketts. Ricketts added, "And the Palestinians and Israelis? They'll start gettin' along real soon. And all these Mexican gangs we keep hearin' about? They'll see the error of their ways before you know it."
4. Records were dug up today to show that Joe Lieberman actively legislated for the elimination of the filibuster, the congressional move which he now plans to utilize in opposition of the senate health care bill. Lieberman could not be reached for comment but did give a thumbs to reporters as he helped unload his monthly truck full of Summer's Eve.
5. This week Lou Dobbs said on his radio show that he and his wife were shot at while inside their home. But today, local police could not confirm if Dobbs was the intended target since hunting season brings an increase in shooting complaints and gunfire activity. The heavily Hispanic New Jersey law enforcement does however say they will take down all their "Dobbs Now In Season" signs.
High five.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Helen Keller & Demon Candy
1. The November issue of National Geographic features a startling cover photo in which a large group of chimps watch one of their own on her way to being buried. The photo of the grieving chimps raises a lot of questions about how similar chimps are to humans. "People shouldn't read too much into it though," said one insider. "They only look sad because that deceased chimp owed them a lot of bananas."
2. Some Iowa conservative groups are irritated by a large $100,000 speaking fee Sarah Palin is reportedly charging for an appearance with the group Iowa Family Policy Center. President of the IFPC Chuck Hurley declined to answer any questions, then body-checked a passing elderly women and stole her purse.
3. Deaf/blind advocacy groups are up in arms over the casting of Abigail Breslin as a young Helen Keller in the Broadway revival of The Miracle Worker, saying that the role instead should have gone to a blind or deaf actress. The story leaves analysts wondering, how did they even find out about this?
4. Chaz Bono, son of Cher, is in the process of a sex change, and recently spoke out about his sexual reassignment surgery. "My outsides are finally matching my insides," he said. At which point onlookers screamed in horror at the inside-out man creature.
5. The Christian Broadcasting Network is warning people against celebrating Halloween, as its candy has been "dedicated and prayed over by witches." Candy experts say CBN is just upset because of a recent study, which showed 98% of children, when given the choice, take the evil houses' demon candy over CBN's candy corn, circus peanuts, and windmill cookies.
High five.
2. Some Iowa conservative groups are irritated by a large $100,000 speaking fee Sarah Palin is reportedly charging for an appearance with the group Iowa Family Policy Center. President of the IFPC Chuck Hurley declined to answer any questions, then body-checked a passing elderly women and stole her purse.
3. Deaf/blind advocacy groups are up in arms over the casting of Abigail Breslin as a young Helen Keller in the Broadway revival of The Miracle Worker, saying that the role instead should have gone to a blind or deaf actress. The story leaves analysts wondering, how did they even find out about this?
4. Chaz Bono, son of Cher, is in the process of a sex change, and recently spoke out about his sexual reassignment surgery. "My outsides are finally matching my insides," he said. At which point onlookers screamed in horror at the inside-out man creature.
5. The Christian Broadcasting Network is warning people against celebrating Halloween, as its candy has been "dedicated and prayed over by witches." Candy experts say CBN is just upset because of a recent study, which showed 98% of children, when given the choice, take the evil houses' demon candy over CBN's candy corn, circus peanuts, and windmill cookies.
High five.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Holy Golden Shower & Cheney Cupcake Power
1. The Catholic League is reportedly very angry about a recent episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David accidentally urinates on a painting of Jesus. Catholic League president Bill Donahue released a statement saying, "David's best years are behind him. He ought to quit while he's ahead." Weeks from now, after David apologizes, Donahue will run into David in a men's bathroom while David is inexplicably carrying a religious magazine out of a stall. Cue Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music.
2. James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuums, has come up with a new product called the Air Multiplier, or a bladeless fan. The fan is said to "split flow in two and push it through a loop and out a slit, or annulus, all along the back, creating a jet stream that sucks in air for a very powerful and smooth flow." Experts say that while the bladeless fan has yet to be proven successful, with words like slit, annulus, sucks, flow, and stream, Dyson's partnership with the writers of Hustler is clearly paying off.
3. In a new CNN/Opinion Research poll, 7 in 10 Americans think that Sarah Palin is unqualified to be president of the United States. In other news, 3 in 10 Americans lack sufficient blood flow to the brain.
4. A Florida man says he was fired from his job at Home Depot for wearing a button that read, "One nation under God, indivisible." The company maintains that their dress code policy -- including no buttons that express religious beliefs -- is known to all employees. When asked why he applied for a job at Home Depot the man said, "Well, I figure foreigners gotta go somewhere to rebuild their houses we bombed."
5. On Wednesday, the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe received a batch of cupcakes, care of Dick Cheney, after co-host Mika Brzezisnski criticized Cheney's negative remarks about the current administration. The pronounceable Brzezisnski asked if it "was a good idea for the former vice-president, who was one of the architects of the war we are still in... to say the President is dithering." To be fair to Cheney, only one of the cupcakes contained a severed middle finger.
High five.
2. James Dyson, inventor of Dyson vacuums, has come up with a new product called the Air Multiplier, or a bladeless fan. The fan is said to "split flow in two and push it through a loop and out a slit, or annulus, all along the back, creating a jet stream that sucks in air for a very powerful and smooth flow." Experts say that while the bladeless fan has yet to be proven successful, with words like slit, annulus, sucks, flow, and stream, Dyson's partnership with the writers of Hustler is clearly paying off.
3. In a new CNN/Opinion Research poll, 7 in 10 Americans think that Sarah Palin is unqualified to be president of the United States. In other news, 3 in 10 Americans lack sufficient blood flow to the brain.
4. A Florida man says he was fired from his job at Home Depot for wearing a button that read, "One nation under God, indivisible." The company maintains that their dress code policy -- including no buttons that express religious beliefs -- is known to all employees. When asked why he applied for a job at Home Depot the man said, "Well, I figure foreigners gotta go somewhere to rebuild their houses we bombed."
5. On Wednesday, the hosts of MSNBC's Morning Joe received a batch of cupcakes, care of Dick Cheney, after co-host Mika Brzezisnski criticized Cheney's negative remarks about the current administration. The pronounceable Brzezisnski asked if it "was a good idea for the former vice-president, who was one of the architects of the war we are still in... to say the President is dithering." To be fair to Cheney, only one of the cupcakes contained a severed middle finger.
High five.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Fat Crazy Kids & Fat Crazy GOP
1. An artist named Stephen Wiltshire was diagnosed with autism at the age of 3. While in school, it was discovered that Wiltshire had the uncanny ability to redraw complex landscapes and buildings he saw from memory. Right now, Wiltshire is drawing the New York cityscape after a brief helicopter ride. What can't Stephen draw from memory? A girlfriend.
2. According to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, antipsychotic drugs cause weight gain in children. Many doctors have been critical of prescribing powerful antipsychotics to anyone under 18 years old and say the added weight gain increases the risk of diabetes. Still, some analysts agree that the weight gain only makes it easier to spot and avoid children who are fucking insane.
3. This week the Walt Disney Company announced it would provide refunds to parents who purchased their Baby Einstein video series but did not see an improvement in their child's intelligence. Media watchdog groups have questioned the educational merit of Baby Einstein videos for years. Disney admits no wrongdoing and says that, while it will refund parents' money, they can do nothing about their retard babies.
4. In a column on Tuesday, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol said that the GOP's future "center of gravity" will be comprised of media personalities like Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh. There's a fat joke to be made here, but I'm going to take the high road and simply suggest that these three men lose the extra weight by getting off the antipsychotics. (See #2.)
5. On Tuesday, a 43 year old woman was arrested for attempting to exchange sex for Phillies' World Series tickets on Craigslist. Police found the ad, set up a sting operation, and after about 5 minutes per officer, arrested the woman on charges of prostitution.
High five.
2. According to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association, antipsychotic drugs cause weight gain in children. Many doctors have been critical of prescribing powerful antipsychotics to anyone under 18 years old and say the added weight gain increases the risk of diabetes. Still, some analysts agree that the weight gain only makes it easier to spot and avoid children who are fucking insane.
3. This week the Walt Disney Company announced it would provide refunds to parents who purchased their Baby Einstein video series but did not see an improvement in their child's intelligence. Media watchdog groups have questioned the educational merit of Baby Einstein videos for years. Disney admits no wrongdoing and says that, while it will refund parents' money, they can do nothing about their retard babies.
4. In a column on Tuesday, Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol said that the GOP's future "center of gravity" will be comprised of media personalities like Glenn Beck, Newt Gingrich, and Rush Limbaugh. There's a fat joke to be made here, but I'm going to take the high road and simply suggest that these three men lose the extra weight by getting off the antipsychotics. (See #2.)
5. On Tuesday, a 43 year old woman was arrested for attempting to exchange sex for Phillies' World Series tickets on Craigslist. Police found the ad, set up a sting operation, and after about 5 minutes per officer, arrested the woman on charges of prostitution.
High five.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Phantom Prostate & Hungry Sanchez
1. Huffington Post reported today that Jets QB Mark Sanchez was caught on tape eating a hot dog during his game against the Raiders on Sunday. Sanchez later apologized saying he felt "a little queasy" and needed to eat something. In a related story, Mark Sanchez's lungs provided his blood with sweet, life-sustaining oxygen for the 8,385th straight day.
2. It was reported Monday that famed composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has prostate cancer. A spokesperson for Webber says he is getting treatment and is expecting to be back to work by the end of the year. Still that may not calm the thousands of upset fans who mistakenly tried to find tickets for the new musical Andrew Lloyd Webber's Prostate Cancer.
3. A new study published in the magazine Nature Geoscience suggests there may be a massive pool of magma collected under the state of Washington. Scientists say that while there is no foreseeable hazard, the pool could be supplying magma to the three active volcanoes in the region -- Mount St. Helens, Mount Rainier and Mount Adams. Still, say geologists, this is preferable to the massive pool of shit under Washington, D.C.
4. On Monday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that the health care bill he is bringing to the senate floor will include an opt-out public option. The opt-out clause is of course in reference to a state's choice to participate in the government health care option, and not a push by lawmakers to force the elderly towards the "final opt-out," as suggested by handlebar mustached Republican Senator from West Virginia Scarington McSpookhaunt.
5. A Scientologist spokesperson reportedly walked out of a Nightline interview after being asked about former members and the oddity of his practice. Spokesperson Tommy Davis later apologized, saying that he does get irritated when people write Scientology off as goofy, but that that wasn't the reason he left. "I wasn't angry," said Davis. "I just had to run an urgent soul errand for Xenu."
High five.
2. It was reported Monday that famed composer Andrew Lloyd Webber has prostate cancer. A spokesperson for Webber says he is getting treatment and is expecting to be back to work by the end of the year. Still that may not calm the thousands of upset fans who mistakenly tried to find tickets for the new musical Andrew Lloyd Webber's Prostate Cancer.
3. A new study published in the magazine Nature Geoscience suggests there may be a massive pool of magma collected under the state of Washington. Scientists say that while there is no foreseeable hazard, the pool could be supplying magma to the three active volcanoes in the region -- Mount St. Helens, Mount Rainier and Mount Adams. Still, say geologists, this is preferable to the massive pool of shit under Washington, D.C.
4. On Monday, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid announced that the health care bill he is bringing to the senate floor will include an opt-out public option. The opt-out clause is of course in reference to a state's choice to participate in the government health care option, and not a push by lawmakers to force the elderly towards the "final opt-out," as suggested by handlebar mustached Republican Senator from West Virginia Scarington McSpookhaunt.
5. A Scientologist spokesperson reportedly walked out of a Nightline interview after being asked about former members and the oddity of his practice. Spokesperson Tommy Davis later apologized, saying that he does get irritated when people write Scientology off as goofy, but that that wasn't the reason he left. "I wasn't angry," said Davis. "I just had to run an urgent soul errand for Xenu."
High five.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sweetin Sober & Pee-yew Poll
1. A new Pew Research Center poll finds that only 57% of Americans believe there is solid evidence for global warming, down nearly 20 points in 3 years. In other news, scientists have new evidence that the Earth is not only getting warmer, but that it is also in fact a brain-eating zombie.
2. In her new memoirs, Full House cast member Jodie Sweetin reveals new drug use that she engaged in after publicly claiming sobriety. Sweetin, a recovering meth, coke, and ecstacy addict, said that she even did coke before a college speaking engagement celebrating recovery and sobriety. Sweetin is clean now but -- waaaaaait a second... nice try, Stephanie Tanner. Tell us a story about secretly relapsing while being publicly sober so we won't suspect you're on the booger sugar now, eh? Did Gibbler put you up to this? How rude.
3. Microsoft is hoping to redeem itself with customers as it releases Windows 7 this week, their latest operating system that promises to correct the mistakes of XP and Vista. Microsoft says the new system will run quicker and feature a much sleeker interface. However, the software giant did keep one of their signature features: if you're an innovative young software company, booting Windows 7 will start a small fire in your warehouse.
4. On Thursday, the Obama administration decided to cut the pay of executives at bailed-out companies that exist thanks to taxpayer money. Some financial experts say this may cause talented executives, often the "brains" of the operation, to leave their "posts" and thus weaken a company further. Oh, they may leave their posts? The posts that wouldn't exist if they were allowed to continue to run their posts? Yeah...
5. Former Chicago bears quarterback Jim McMahon has sold his Northbrook mansion and is moving to Florida. The 9,626 square foot mansion features "a racquetball court that doubles as a basketball court and hockey rink, twin locker rooms and a steam room." The most unique feature of the estate is the large lawn which during summer months is kept extra short in the front and extra long in the back.
High five.
2. In her new memoirs, Full House cast member Jodie Sweetin reveals new drug use that she engaged in after publicly claiming sobriety. Sweetin, a recovering meth, coke, and ecstacy addict, said that she even did coke before a college speaking engagement celebrating recovery and sobriety. Sweetin is clean now but -- waaaaaait a second... nice try, Stephanie Tanner. Tell us a story about secretly relapsing while being publicly sober so we won't suspect you're on the booger sugar now, eh? Did Gibbler put you up to this? How rude.
3. Microsoft is hoping to redeem itself with customers as it releases Windows 7 this week, their latest operating system that promises to correct the mistakes of XP and Vista. Microsoft says the new system will run quicker and feature a much sleeker interface. However, the software giant did keep one of their signature features: if you're an innovative young software company, booting Windows 7 will start a small fire in your warehouse.
4. On Thursday, the Obama administration decided to cut the pay of executives at bailed-out companies that exist thanks to taxpayer money. Some financial experts say this may cause talented executives, often the "brains" of the operation, to leave their "posts" and thus weaken a company further. Oh, they may leave their posts? The posts that wouldn't exist if they were allowed to continue to run their posts? Yeah...
5. Former Chicago bears quarterback Jim McMahon has sold his Northbrook mansion and is moving to Florida. The 9,626 square foot mansion features "a racquetball court that doubles as a basketball court and hockey rink, twin locker rooms and a steam room." The most unique feature of the estate is the large lawn which during summer months is kept extra short in the front and extra long in the back.
High five.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Heir Jordan & ESPNfidelity
1. On Tuesday, Sean Hannity unveiled his show's new opening tag line, "Not White House Approved," reinforcing the anti-Fox News sentiment that seems to be growing with the Obama administration. This replaces the old tag line, "Racist White Uncle Approved."
2. On Sunday, comedian Dave Chappelle failed an attempt to break a standup endurance record he once held, when he used the bathroom after 5 hours. The current record of 7 hours 34 minutes is held by Dane Cook, which broke Chappelle's previous record of 6 hours. Still, most agree that Cook's record is somewhat tainted since he performed 4 hours and then spent 4 hours hyphenating and abbreviating his previous jokes.
3. Last week, Michael Jordan's son Marcus refused to wear Adidas shoes on the basketball court while playing for the University of Central Florida, even though the college has a contract with the company, and says he'll wear Nike Air Jordan's in honor of his dad. No agreement has yet been reached, but analysts say the sporting world has not dealt with an issue like this since Jesus insisted on playing college basketball naked in honor of what his daddy gave him.
4. ESPN analyst Steve Phillips, former GM of the New York Mets, has been suspended after an extra marital affair with a co-worker recently came to light. The 22 year old production assistant, Brooke Hundley, broke the news to Phillips' wife in a letter, forcing the story to come out. If you're scoring at home, ESPN's magical record of 61 days without a sex scandal set almost 10 years ago remains in tact.
5. Tropical Storm Rick hit Mexico's west coast on Wednesday toppling trees and forcing resort goers to take cover. Winds reached speeds of up to 55MPH, electricity was knocked out in multiple areas, and one bar-hopping tourist named Rick suddenly felt guilty for the self-prescribed name he'd been using on ladies all week.
High five.
2. On Sunday, comedian Dave Chappelle failed an attempt to break a standup endurance record he once held, when he used the bathroom after 5 hours. The current record of 7 hours 34 minutes is held by Dane Cook, which broke Chappelle's previous record of 6 hours. Still, most agree that Cook's record is somewhat tainted since he performed 4 hours and then spent 4 hours hyphenating and abbreviating his previous jokes.
3. Last week, Michael Jordan's son Marcus refused to wear Adidas shoes on the basketball court while playing for the University of Central Florida, even though the college has a contract with the company, and says he'll wear Nike Air Jordan's in honor of his dad. No agreement has yet been reached, but analysts say the sporting world has not dealt with an issue like this since Jesus insisted on playing college basketball naked in honor of what his daddy gave him.
4. ESPN analyst Steve Phillips, former GM of the New York Mets, has been suspended after an extra marital affair with a co-worker recently came to light. The 22 year old production assistant, Brooke Hundley, broke the news to Phillips' wife in a letter, forcing the story to come out. If you're scoring at home, ESPN's magical record of 61 days without a sex scandal set almost 10 years ago remains in tact.
5. Tropical Storm Rick hit Mexico's west coast on Wednesday toppling trees and forcing resort goers to take cover. Winds reached speeds of up to 55MPH, electricity was knocked out in multiple areas, and one bar-hopping tourist named Rick suddenly felt guilty for the self-prescribed name he'd been using on ladies all week.
High five.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
The Gambler & The Stripper
1. New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera is under some scrutiny today after video of last night's ALCS game against the Angels appeared to show him spitting on the ball. Major League Baseball has since cleared Rivera of any wrong doing, not because he didn't spit on the ball, but because the baseball actually featured a picture of WW2 Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels.
2. CNN persona Lou Dobbs is criticizing a Baltimore school's "Meatless Monday" lunch program, where once a week students eat a vegetarian lunch consisting of foods like grilled cheese and vegetarian chili. Dobbs says the program is a "political storm in the making." However, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Lou Dobbs is an enemy of vegetables and has for years taken money from the Added-Belt-Notch Lobby.
3. A man was arrested earlier this week for printing out fake $50 bills to pay a stripper for private performances at his hotel. A taxi driver called police after the man asked him to watch a roll of $50 bills that looked odd and cut unevenly. Thank you, taxi driver-who-wouldn't-drive-me-to-Staples-for-a-proper-paper-cutter.
4. A two year old Colorado girl named Aislin Bates was reportedly denied health insurance by United Healthcare Golden Rule because she didn't weigh enough. "We are unable to provide coverage for Aislin because her height and weight do not meet our company standards," wrote Golden Rule in a letter. However, in the insurance company's defense, around her daughter's conception, Aislin's mom did bang that entire helium research team.
5. Last week, the government charged Raj Rajaratnam the founder of Galleon Group with insider trading in what is the largest trading scandal involving hedge funds. Rajaratnam is a quirky billionaire who once paid Kenny Rogers $4 million to play his favorite song "The Gambler" over and over again at a birthday party. Rogers refused to go on after playing it a dozen times, but then remembered he was Kenny Rogers playing a birthday party and continued, sporting a single tear.
High five.
2. CNN persona Lou Dobbs is criticizing a Baltimore school's "Meatless Monday" lunch program, where once a week students eat a vegetarian lunch consisting of foods like grilled cheese and vegetarian chili. Dobbs says the program is a "political storm in the making." However, it shouldn't surprise anyone that Lou Dobbs is an enemy of vegetables and has for years taken money from the Added-Belt-Notch Lobby.
3. A man was arrested earlier this week for printing out fake $50 bills to pay a stripper for private performances at his hotel. A taxi driver called police after the man asked him to watch a roll of $50 bills that looked odd and cut unevenly. Thank you, taxi driver-who-wouldn't-drive-me-to-Staples-for-a-proper-paper-cutter.
4. A two year old Colorado girl named Aislin Bates was reportedly denied health insurance by United Healthcare Golden Rule because she didn't weigh enough. "We are unable to provide coverage for Aislin because her height and weight do not meet our company standards," wrote Golden Rule in a letter. However, in the insurance company's defense, around her daughter's conception, Aislin's mom did bang that entire helium research team.
5. Last week, the government charged Raj Rajaratnam the founder of Galleon Group with insider trading in what is the largest trading scandal involving hedge funds. Rajaratnam is a quirky billionaire who once paid Kenny Rogers $4 million to play his favorite song "The Gambler" over and over again at a birthday party. Rogers refused to go on after playing it a dozen times, but then remembered he was Kenny Rogers playing a birthday party and continued, sporting a single tear.
High five.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Reality TV & Somers' Reality
1. In their latest issue, Forbes magazine lists the top 10 poorest cities in the U.S., citing that the national median income in 2008 fell 3.6%. The majority of the poorest cities are located on the southern border, the result of struggling manufacturing or lack of immigrant employment. On the other hand, Forbes notes, listed again as the nation's richest city for the 10th straight year, Diamond Poop Falls, Iowa.
2. The saga of the "Balloon Boy," where a small boy was thought to have accidentally lifted off in a giant balloon but was actually hiding in an attic, is now believed to have been a hoax. The local police and military were brought into assist during the incident when Falcon Heene went missing, and now the sheriff believes he has evidence the Heene family used the incident as a publicity stunt to land a reality TV show. And now Mr. Heene will get his chance in Fox's new prison reality show, "One, Two, Heene Times The Prison Rape."
3. In her nineteenth book, Suzanne Somers takes on the subject of chemotherapy, saying it is used too often and often for no reason. Doctors worry that Somers' book may give people the wrong idea, but even Oprah Winfrey defends the Three's Company alum. "Many people write Suzanne off as a quackadoo," Winfrey said. "But she just might be a pioneer." You know what else was a pioneer? Laser discs.
4. According to their most recent issue, magazine Advertising Age has named Women's Health the magazine of the year. In related news, Magazine Magazine has named Advertising Age the best "magazine of the year"-naming magazine of the year.
5. Phil Collins told a German newspaper Monday that because of recent neck surgery he has, at least for now, lost the ability to play the drums. The former Genesis singer and drummer says he has lost feeling in his fingers and is unable to pick up drumsticks. The surgeon who worked on Collins could not be reached by phone but he has reportedly been notified of his Nobel Prize win.
High five.
2. The saga of the "Balloon Boy," where a small boy was thought to have accidentally lifted off in a giant balloon but was actually hiding in an attic, is now believed to have been a hoax. The local police and military were brought into assist during the incident when Falcon Heene went missing, and now the sheriff believes he has evidence the Heene family used the incident as a publicity stunt to land a reality TV show. And now Mr. Heene will get his chance in Fox's new prison reality show, "One, Two, Heene Times The Prison Rape."
3. In her nineteenth book, Suzanne Somers takes on the subject of chemotherapy, saying it is used too often and often for no reason. Doctors worry that Somers' book may give people the wrong idea, but even Oprah Winfrey defends the Three's Company alum. "Many people write Suzanne off as a quackadoo," Winfrey said. "But she just might be a pioneer." You know what else was a pioneer? Laser discs.
4. According to their most recent issue, magazine Advertising Age has named Women's Health the magazine of the year. In related news, Magazine Magazine has named Advertising Age the best "magazine of the year"-naming magazine of the year.
5. Phil Collins told a German newspaper Monday that because of recent neck surgery he has, at least for now, lost the ability to play the drums. The former Genesis singer and drummer says he has lost feeling in his fingers and is unable to pick up drumsticks. The surgeon who worked on Collins could not be reached by phone but he has reportedly been notified of his Nobel Prize win.
High five.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Non-Racist Racism & Santa's House
1. This week a Louisiana judge refused to marry an interracial couple out of concern for any children they may have and on the grounds that interracial marriages don't last long. "I'm not a racist. I just don't believe in mixing the races that way," Bardwell told the AP. Heh, yeah get off this guy's back, media. If making a decision based solely on a person's race is racist, well then... [head explodes].
2. Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John McCain, is catching fire for a recent twitter pic she sent out showing her in a very low cut top. McCain insists she was not thinking about her outfit when she took the pic and has considered deleting her Twitter account, calling it a "vessel for harassment." I think it's silly for anyone to freak out or become creepy over Meghan McCain's breasts. Her... sweet, sweet breasts...
3. Six year old Falcon Heene was found hiding in his attic on Thursday after family and police feared he may have taken off in the family's homemade helium balloon that traveled nearly 50 miles. Authorities searched the house but found nothing and the boy's brother claimed to see Falcon in the balloon's compartment shortly before liftoff. An awkward moment arose though when 6 year old Falcon revealed himself as his smiling dad carried the contents of the boy's room to the curb.
4. After much criticism, a group involving Rush Limbaugh with plans to purchase the St. Louis Rams has officially dropped Limbaugh from the group. Limbaugh used the incident as evidence that people in the media want to destroy conservatism. Insiders say however Limbaugh is just bitter about how he found out: he and the Rams no longer had the same mutual Facebook friends.
5. A team of explorers who spent three months hiking around the North Pole said that within the decade the North Pole will be an open sea during summer months. "This could lead to flooding affecting one-quarter of the world's population," says Martin Sommerkorn of the World Wildlife Fund. Did you hear that, three-quarters of the world's population? Party cruise to Santa's house!
High five.
2. Meghan McCain, daughter of Senator John McCain, is catching fire for a recent twitter pic she sent out showing her in a very low cut top. McCain insists she was not thinking about her outfit when she took the pic and has considered deleting her Twitter account, calling it a "vessel for harassment." I think it's silly for anyone to freak out or become creepy over Meghan McCain's breasts. Her... sweet, sweet breasts...
3. Six year old Falcon Heene was found hiding in his attic on Thursday after family and police feared he may have taken off in the family's homemade helium balloon that traveled nearly 50 miles. Authorities searched the house but found nothing and the boy's brother claimed to see Falcon in the balloon's compartment shortly before liftoff. An awkward moment arose though when 6 year old Falcon revealed himself as his smiling dad carried the contents of the boy's room to the curb.
4. After much criticism, a group involving Rush Limbaugh with plans to purchase the St. Louis Rams has officially dropped Limbaugh from the group. Limbaugh used the incident as evidence that people in the media want to destroy conservatism. Insiders say however Limbaugh is just bitter about how he found out: he and the Rams no longer had the same mutual Facebook friends.
5. A team of explorers who spent three months hiking around the North Pole said that within the decade the North Pole will be an open sea during summer months. "This could lead to flooding affecting one-quarter of the world's population," says Martin Sommerkorn of the World Wildlife Fund. Did you hear that, three-quarters of the world's population? Party cruise to Santa's house!
High five.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Bloody Apocalypse & Sunshine Cupcakes
1. A new study shows that 36% of people under 35 years old tweet, text or check Facebook right after sex. The survey also finds that after sex guys are twice as likely as girls to use one of these social media outlets. See 827 Facebook friends? Further supporting evidence for my updates, countering your silly loser virgin claims!
2. A California judge is refusing to dismiss a lawsuit against Proposition 8, the state referendum which bans same sex marriage, after defense lawyers could not explain how same-sex marriage undermines male-female marriage. 52% of Californians voted to enact the referendum in the November elections. Of course, 100% of them are totally gay.
3. On Wednesday the stock market closed above 10,000 for the first time in a year. The long term rally is part of a 53% rebound since March and may indicate a more optimistic market. Also up this week: the Angel-Scented Rainbow Index, the Pretty Butterfly 500, and Sunshine Cupcake Derivatives.
4. Recent AP analysis of health insurance company ads have shown them to contain significantly misleading facts and figures. The Associated Press said that "the insurance industry uses facts selectively and mixes accurate assertions with misleading spin and an embrace of worst-case scenarios." Today a spokesperson for the health insurance companies replied to the allegations saying, "How is the AP going to help you in the horrifically bloody apocalypse likely to occur if this health care bill passes?"
5. Recent data in a National Assessment of Educational Progress report shows that the nation's 8th graders improved slightly while 4th graders test scores remained flat. "While the scores for eighth graders in math continue to be encouraging, the failure of our fourth graders to make progress nationally is a cause for concern," said David Driscoll, chair of the National Assessment Governing Board. Still, experts agree there is no cause for concern as 12th graders are dead to us all anyway.
High five.
2. A California judge is refusing to dismiss a lawsuit against Proposition 8, the state referendum which bans same sex marriage, after defense lawyers could not explain how same-sex marriage undermines male-female marriage. 52% of Californians voted to enact the referendum in the November elections. Of course, 100% of them are totally gay.
3. On Wednesday the stock market closed above 10,000 for the first time in a year. The long term rally is part of a 53% rebound since March and may indicate a more optimistic market. Also up this week: the Angel-Scented Rainbow Index, the Pretty Butterfly 500, and Sunshine Cupcake Derivatives.
4. Recent AP analysis of health insurance company ads have shown them to contain significantly misleading facts and figures. The Associated Press said that "the insurance industry uses facts selectively and mixes accurate assertions with misleading spin and an embrace of worst-case scenarios." Today a spokesperson for the health insurance companies replied to the allegations saying, "How is the AP going to help you in the horrifically bloody apocalypse likely to occur if this health care bill passes?"
5. Recent data in a National Assessment of Educational Progress report shows that the nation's 8th graders improved slightly while 4th graders test scores remained flat. "While the scores for eighth graders in math continue to be encouraging, the failure of our fourth graders to make progress nationally is a cause for concern," said David Driscoll, chair of the National Assessment Governing Board. Still, experts agree there is no cause for concern as 12th graders are dead to us all anyway.
High five.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Barbaric Children & Gentile Glenn
1. On his radio show, Rush Limbaugh gloated that he spawned popular right wing personalities like Glenn Beck. "In 1988, I'm the only national conservative voice," said Limbaugh. "Now look at conservative media. Look what I have spawned." Remember when you were 7 and you saw a calf being born during a farm field trip, and you thought that was the most horrific image you could imagine?
2. Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute are warning its students about playing the classic college game known as beer pong after 21 students were reported to have come down with swine flu. Beer pong is played by throwing ping pong balls into each others cups, forcing people to drink the cups the balls land in. The college is not discouraging students from playing, and in fact say now that their weaker players are out with swine flu they're finally ready to compete with other colleges.
3. Five juveniles are being held in Florida after they set a 15 year old on fire. The victim reportedly owed one of the suspects money for a video game. The suspects contend that they merely thought the 15 year old was food, and they hoped to have him cooked and brought back to their cave before the pterodactyls showed up.
4. On his radio show Tuesday, Glenn Beck drew a comparison between the White House's criticism of Fox News and the treatment of Jews during the Holocaust. Beck says the White House's criticism will spread to other news outlets just as the Nazi's spread their focus to groups other than the Jews. Don't worry, Glenn Beck, just like the Nazis, the White House probably won't waste their time with crying babies.
5. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Afghan President Hamid Karzai is defending the controversial results of the most recent Afghan elections after a U.N.-backed panel found "widespread fraud." Karzai called the claims ridiculous saying that the election was "good and free and democratic." Karzai then showed off his new furniture made from 100% recycled election ballots.
High five.
2. Officials at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute are warning its students about playing the classic college game known as beer pong after 21 students were reported to have come down with swine flu. Beer pong is played by throwing ping pong balls into each others cups, forcing people to drink the cups the balls land in. The college is not discouraging students from playing, and in fact say now that their weaker players are out with swine flu they're finally ready to compete with other colleges.
3. Five juveniles are being held in Florida after they set a 15 year old on fire. The victim reportedly owed one of the suspects money for a video game. The suspects contend that they merely thought the 15 year old was food, and they hoped to have him cooked and brought back to their cave before the pterodactyls showed up.
4. On his radio show Tuesday, Glenn Beck drew a comparison between the White House's criticism of Fox News and the treatment of Jews during the Holocaust. Beck says the White House's criticism will spread to other news outlets just as the Nazi's spread their focus to groups other than the Jews. Don't worry, Glenn Beck, just like the Nazis, the White House probably won't waste their time with crying babies.
5. In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Afghan President Hamid Karzai is defending the controversial results of the most recent Afghan elections after a U.N.-backed panel found "widespread fraud." Karzai called the claims ridiculous saying that the election was "good and free and democratic." Karzai then showed off his new furniture made from 100% recycled election ballots.
High five.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Insurance Yacking & Kids Packing
1. On Sunday the New York Yankees completed a 3-game sweep by beating the Minnesota Twins 4-1 and thus earning a place in the American League Championship Series against the Angels. Three MLB divisional series this year have resulted in sweeps. When asked what they thought of the sweep, Yankee manager Joe Girardi said, "It's pretty neat since we don't get to see a lot of sweeping in New York City."
2. This weekend, insurance companies released an industry-funded report that shows a spike in insurance premiums will occur should one of the current health bills be passed. The current legislation "will be disastrous for their business, so they can't stand on the sidelines any longer," says health insurance industry consultant Robert Laszewsky. Oh, I see. So apparently the sidelines are in the middle of the field these days, traveling directly into the owner's box.
3. The executive director of the NFL players union wrote a letter this week asking that Rush Limbaugh not be considered for ownership with the St. Louis Rams. A St. Louis ownership deal is still in the early stages but Limbaugh has been mentioned as a potential buyer. You know it's not good when a group that supported Michael Vick thinks you'd be bad at owning things.
4. A Delaware first grader was suspended last week after he brought a Cub Scout eating utensil to school. The school's zero tolerance policy was applied by a committee who felt the boy's knife/spoon/fork combination tool could have been used as a weapon. To be fair to the school though, it did contain a 5-inch switch spoon illegally obtained in Mexico.
5. Last week Elinor Ostrum of Indiana University was the first woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Economics. Ostrum's win ends a 41 year old streak of all male winners. Ostrum says she's happy to accept the prize but feels the Nobel Prize Committee didn't need to award it specifically for "Economics of Baby-Making."
High five.
2. This weekend, insurance companies released an industry-funded report that shows a spike in insurance premiums will occur should one of the current health bills be passed. The current legislation "will be disastrous for their business, so they can't stand on the sidelines any longer," says health insurance industry consultant Robert Laszewsky. Oh, I see. So apparently the sidelines are in the middle of the field these days, traveling directly into the owner's box.
3. The executive director of the NFL players union wrote a letter this week asking that Rush Limbaugh not be considered for ownership with the St. Louis Rams. A St. Louis ownership deal is still in the early stages but Limbaugh has been mentioned as a potential buyer. You know it's not good when a group that supported Michael Vick thinks you'd be bad at owning things.
4. A Delaware first grader was suspended last week after he brought a Cub Scout eating utensil to school. The school's zero tolerance policy was applied by a committee who felt the boy's knife/spoon/fork combination tool could have been used as a weapon. To be fair to the school though, it did contain a 5-inch switch spoon illegally obtained in Mexico.
5. Last week Elinor Ostrum of Indiana University was the first woman to receive the Nobel Prize in Economics. Ostrum's win ends a 41 year old streak of all male winners. Ostrum says she's happy to accept the prize but feels the Nobel Prize Committee didn't need to award it specifically for "Economics of Baby-Making."
High five.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Tara Reid & A Swift Hummer
1. It was announced early this morning that President Barack Obama is the recipient of the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize. Obama reacted to the prize both surprised and humbled, though conservative pundits like Glenn Beck criticized the very idea. Fortune tellers say Beck is only upset because in the future, when the Fox News personality dies, Death will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.
2. A General Electric plant in Louisville, KY reports that they have had over 10,000 people apply for 90 factory openings. The $27,000/year jobs include extensive benefits which analysts say is likely the driving factor for most applicants. Tragically, the applicants don't yet realize they'll all play a large role in GE's new Soylent Green Division.
3. On Friday, GM signed away their Hummer brand in a deal with Chinese automaker Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Corp. rumored to be worth $150 million. Oh, poorly endowed Chinese, buying a brand of vehicle known for being excessively large that's named after a sex act involving the penis.
4. It was announced today that Tara Reid will appear naked in an upcoming Playboy issue. The American Pie star was shy at first because of scars from a botched liposuction, but quickly became comfortable. Unfortunately for Reid, her spread will appear in Playboy's new Sci-Fi offshoot magazine called The Time Traveler's Playboy: 1999.
5. Last week Beyonce finally chimed in on the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle on the MTV Video Awards when West took the mic from Swift during her acceptance speech and told the crowd that Beyonce had a better video. "Well, I knew his intentions, and I knew he was standing up for art," said Beyonce. Little did Beyonce know that West was actually standing up using the new software Auto-Stand.
High five.
2. A General Electric plant in Louisville, KY reports that they have had over 10,000 people apply for 90 factory openings. The $27,000/year jobs include extensive benefits which analysts say is likely the driving factor for most applicants. Tragically, the applicants don't yet realize they'll all play a large role in GE's new Soylent Green Division.
3. On Friday, GM signed away their Hummer brand in a deal with Chinese automaker Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Corp. rumored to be worth $150 million. Oh, poorly endowed Chinese, buying a brand of vehicle known for being excessively large that's named after a sex act involving the penis.
4. It was announced today that Tara Reid will appear naked in an upcoming Playboy issue. The American Pie star was shy at first because of scars from a botched liposuction, but quickly became comfortable. Unfortunately for Reid, her spread will appear in Playboy's new Sci-Fi offshoot magazine called The Time Traveler's Playboy: 1999.
5. Last week Beyonce finally chimed in on the Kanye West/Taylor Swift debacle on the MTV Video Awards when West took the mic from Swift during her acceptance speech and told the crowd that Beyonce had a better video. "Well, I knew his intentions, and I knew he was standing up for art," said Beyonce. Little did Beyonce know that West was actually standing up using the new software Auto-Stand.
High five.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
CIGNA Fingers & Sex Twitter
1. Staten Island woman Darleen Burbridge is blaming Bank of America for her husband's fatal heart attack, which she says was caused by the stress of dealing with their bad mortgage. Burbridge's lawyer says it would normally be difficult to hold Bank of America responsible for Mr. Burbridge's heart condition, except that his favorite restaurant just happened to be Bank of America's House of Stress and Donuts.
2. Hilda and Krikor Sarkisyan recently went to CIGNA's Philadelphia headquarters to protest the death of their daughter who was denied a liver transplant by the insurance company. The couple was stopped at the doors when a few company employees heckled them from a balcony, with one man giving them the finger. "I was very disappointed to learn of the behavior of one of our employees," said a CIGNA executive in a letter to the couple. "His time could have been better spent denying more procedures."
3. It was reported this week that radio host Rush Limbaugh has been invited to judge in the 2010 Miss America Pageant. Limbaugh says the contestants' political leanings won't affect his judging. Well... or so hopes a one-legged Miss Alabama.
4. A new website called IJustMadeLove.com let's users tell the world where they recently had sex and in what positions, with some people likening it to a "sex twitter." Users can even pinpoint the exact building since the site is powered by Google Maps. And, as theorized for years, Ann Coulter's house has been notably silent.
5. On Thursday, Tori Spelling sent out a critical tweet directed at Star Magazine after they released an article claiming the actress weighed only 95 pounds. The 90210 alum insists she weighs in at 107 pounds. And to be fair to Spelling, when her weight was recorded at 95 pounds, she was holding her acting credentials.
High five.
2. Hilda and Krikor Sarkisyan recently went to CIGNA's Philadelphia headquarters to protest the death of their daughter who was denied a liver transplant by the insurance company. The couple was stopped at the doors when a few company employees heckled them from a balcony, with one man giving them the finger. "I was very disappointed to learn of the behavior of one of our employees," said a CIGNA executive in a letter to the couple. "His time could have been better spent denying more procedures."
3. It was reported this week that radio host Rush Limbaugh has been invited to judge in the 2010 Miss America Pageant. Limbaugh says the contestants' political leanings won't affect his judging. Well... or so hopes a one-legged Miss Alabama.
4. A new website called IJustMadeLove.com let's users tell the world where they recently had sex and in what positions, with some people likening it to a "sex twitter." Users can even pinpoint the exact building since the site is powered by Google Maps. And, as theorized for years, Ann Coulter's house has been notably silent.
5. On Thursday, Tori Spelling sent out a critical tweet directed at Star Magazine after they released an article claiming the actress weighed only 95 pounds. The 90210 alum insists she weighs in at 107 pounds. And to be fair to Spelling, when her weight was recorded at 95 pounds, she was holding her acting credentials.
High five.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
"Lesbianic" Children & Satan: Liberal
1. A new Senate tax bill has critics up in arms as they say it will allow more companies a tax loophole and cost the American people billions. The bill limits a ban on federal contracts for companies that operate mostly outside of the country allowing for the creation of tax havens. "Still," says Maine Republican Senator Susan Collins, "you have to admit this corporate loophole is better than Bush's corporate glory hole."
2. A Utah artist's polarizing painting, which depicts Jesus standing in front of a small crowd holding the Constitution, is the subject of recent political debate. Aside from beloved presidents and other noteworthy Americans, the artist shows what he calls a liberal news reporter, a college professor holding "Origin of Species," and a Hollywood actor all standing next to Satan. However, when reached for comment, the Hollywood actor said, "That's absurd, Satan doesn't even return my calls."
3. In the recent interview with Esquire Guy Ritchie calls his ex-wife Madonna "retarded." Ritchie and Madonna divorced in 2008 and have two children together. Guy Ritchie: giving humanity Swept Away and retard children!
4. Some conservatives are unhappy with the news that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is reportedly pregnant. "I don’t understand why he is allowing his daughter to take innocent children into her lesbianic home," said one web surfer. Well, don't worry, I'm sure the little tyke will escape, because as Republican science has proven, children of lesbians are born not only with eight legs but also an increased ability to find openings.
5. Scientists from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that the asteroid Apophis previously thought have a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting the Earth in 2036 is now calculated to have a 4 in a million chance. Scientists at the lab say this research Earth nearing asteroids is not meant to cause a panic but simply to remind everyone that at some point in the future, you will die.
High five.
2. A Utah artist's polarizing painting, which depicts Jesus standing in front of a small crowd holding the Constitution, is the subject of recent political debate. Aside from beloved presidents and other noteworthy Americans, the artist shows what he calls a liberal news reporter, a college professor holding "Origin of Species," and a Hollywood actor all standing next to Satan. However, when reached for comment, the Hollywood actor said, "That's absurd, Satan doesn't even return my calls."
3. In the recent interview with Esquire Guy Ritchie calls his ex-wife Madonna "retarded." Ritchie and Madonna divorced in 2008 and have two children together. Guy Ritchie: giving humanity Swept Away and retard children!
4. Some conservatives are unhappy with the news that Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter is reportedly pregnant. "I don’t understand why he is allowing his daughter to take innocent children into her lesbianic home," said one web surfer. Well, don't worry, I'm sure the little tyke will escape, because as Republican science has proven, children of lesbians are born not only with eight legs but also an increased ability to find openings.
5. Scientists from the Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced Wednesday that the asteroid Apophis previously thought have a 1 in 45,000 chance of hitting the Earth in 2036 is now calculated to have a 4 in a million chance. Scientists at the lab say this research Earth nearing asteroids is not meant to cause a panic but simply to remind everyone that at some point in the future, you will die.
High five.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Palin's Hancock & Grace's Gosselin
1. On Monday, new Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor showed no hesitation in asking questions during her first cases on the nation's highest court. Analysts say she may have asked more questions in an hour than Justice Clarence Thomas (who once went 2 years without speaking during oral arguments) has in the past year. Thomas defended his history on the Supreme Court bench saying, "Well, if I start talking I'll blow off the pubic hair delicately balancing on my Coke can."
2. An Xbox360 allegedly signed by Sarah Palin has been listed on eBay for over $1 million dollars. With about 8 days to go the item currently has zero bids but analysts say the signature looks legit. And with that, the question is finally answered: what happens when you combine someone who doesn't know language with someone who doesn't know numbers?
3. Last night on Monday night football Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre defeated his old team the Green Bay Packers 30-23. Favre gave a near flawless performance throwing 3 touchdowns and becoming the first quarterback in NFL history to beat all 32 teams. Though the feat is not so difficult when you play for all 32 teams.
4. On CNN's The Insider Monday night, Nancy Grace debated Jon Gosselin over the welfare of his children, calling him "self-absorbed." Gosselin tried to defend himself but Grace's debate style left him stammering. Grace then returned to her office, cracked open a Coors Light, and acted out her "kidnapper at the Gosselin house" fantasy.
5. On Tuesday, North Korea announced that it may return to nuclear disarmament talks it walked away from six months ago. "The hostile relations between the DPRK (North Korea) and the United States should be converted into peaceful ties through the bilateral talks without fail," Kim Jong Il was quoted as saying. The dictator also promised that this time he would not wear his fusion-powered hair piece.
High five.
2. An Xbox360 allegedly signed by Sarah Palin has been listed on eBay for over $1 million dollars. With about 8 days to go the item currently has zero bids but analysts say the signature looks legit. And with that, the question is finally answered: what happens when you combine someone who doesn't know language with someone who doesn't know numbers?
3. Last night on Monday night football Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre defeated his old team the Green Bay Packers 30-23. Favre gave a near flawless performance throwing 3 touchdowns and becoming the first quarterback in NFL history to beat all 32 teams. Though the feat is not so difficult when you play for all 32 teams.
4. On CNN's The Insider Monday night, Nancy Grace debated Jon Gosselin over the welfare of his children, calling him "self-absorbed." Gosselin tried to defend himself but Grace's debate style left him stammering. Grace then returned to her office, cracked open a Coors Light, and acted out her "kidnapper at the Gosselin house" fantasy.
5. On Tuesday, North Korea announced that it may return to nuclear disarmament talks it walked away from six months ago. "The hostile relations between the DPRK (North Korea) and the United States should be converted into peaceful ties through the bilateral talks without fail," Kim Jong Il was quoted as saying. The dictator also promised that this time he would not wear his fusion-powered hair piece.
High five.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Stolen Baby & Sold Baby
1. On Monday an Italian scientist Luigi Garlaschelli claimed that he has reproduced the famous Shroud of Turin, the cloak that's alleged to have wrapped up Jesus' dead body, proving it is a hoax. Scientists and believers alike have been rushing to prove or disprove the shroud's authenticity for centuries. However, Garlaschelli says this news should not focus on proving the Shroud's authenticity, but to instead celebrate the unveiling of his new "Shroud of Turin Snuggie."
2. British firm Miles Morgan Travel is planning a 2012 trans-Atlantic cruise to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the doomed Titanic voyage. Passengers will take off at Southampton, England, travel to the final resting place of the ship and then end in New York, where the Titanic was originally headed. Cruise organizers say there is no danger in the voyage because for good measure they're naming the ship "Completely Impervious."
3. Former Yankees and Twins second baseman Chuck Knoblauch was arrested for assaulting his common law wife Monday. Appearing in court last Tuesday, a judge set Knoblauch's bond at $10,000. According to reports, the former all-star attempted to throw his wife down the stairs, but missed and put her in right field. (credit: Chandler Goodman)
4. A recently kidnapped Tennessee baby was put in foster care today when authorities learned his mother was now trying to sell him. Yair Anthony Carillo was recovered from a strangers home on Friday, only to be taken away from his mother's house Monday along with his three siblings. To be fair though to the individuals trying to buy, sell, or steal this baby, he does have a birthmark on his belly resembling priceless misprinted upside down airplane stamps.
5. A group of conservatives has created the Conservative Bible Project which they say will eliminate liberalism from the Bible. The project sets to remove emasculating texts that contain unisex or gender-inclusive language, expand upon economic free-market parables, and focus on conciseness rather than "liberal wordiness." Still, says the group, in the tradition of conservatism the incest will remain.
High five.
2. British firm Miles Morgan Travel is planning a 2012 trans-Atlantic cruise to commemorate the 100th anniversary of the doomed Titanic voyage. Passengers will take off at Southampton, England, travel to the final resting place of the ship and then end in New York, where the Titanic was originally headed. Cruise organizers say there is no danger in the voyage because for good measure they're naming the ship "Completely Impervious."
3. Former Yankees and Twins second baseman Chuck Knoblauch was arrested for assaulting his common law wife Monday. Appearing in court last Tuesday, a judge set Knoblauch's bond at $10,000. According to reports, the former all-star attempted to throw his wife down the stairs, but missed and put her in right field. (credit: Chandler Goodman)
4. A recently kidnapped Tennessee baby was put in foster care today when authorities learned his mother was now trying to sell him. Yair Anthony Carillo was recovered from a strangers home on Friday, only to be taken away from his mother's house Monday along with his three siblings. To be fair though to the individuals trying to buy, sell, or steal this baby, he does have a birthmark on his belly resembling priceless misprinted upside down airplane stamps.
5. A group of conservatives has created the Conservative Bible Project which they say will eliminate liberalism from the Bible. The project sets to remove emasculating texts that contain unisex or gender-inclusive language, expand upon economic free-market parables, and focus on conciseness rather than "liberal wordiness." Still, says the group, in the tradition of conservatism the incest will remain.
High five.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
