The U.S. government apologized this week for experiments on Guatemalan prisoners and mental patients in the 1940's, admitting to purposely giving STDs to hundreds. Confused as to how STDs work, Paris Hilton researched her family tree.
High five.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Return Of The J3Di
George Lucas announced today that he will be giving all of his beloved Star Wars films a 3D makeover, starting in 2012 with Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. However, Lucas warns that despite state of the art technology, Hayden Christensen will continue to remain, at best, 1D.
High five.
High five.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Hot N Oversold
Los Angeles was scorched yesterday, hitting a record temperature of 113 degrees. It also marked the first time Katy Perry ever removed clothing for free.
High five.
High five.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Like Father Like Un
Kim Jong-il's son, Jong-un, widely believed to be his father's successor, has been promoted to general. In an elaborate ceremony today, Jong-il bestowed upon his son the prestigious title along with the first of many increasingly crazy-ass toupees.
High five.
High five.
Friday, September 24, 2010
It's A Bird! It's A Plane!
A Canadian engineering student has become the first person to pilot and sustain the flight of a wing-flapping aircraft powered only by himself. The student says he'll add this to the long list of things he's used to doing by himself.
High five.
High five.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Sign Of The Times
A new AP poll shows that Republican supporters are more fired up than Democratic supporters moving towards election day. However, this contradicts a new High Times poll which shows that Democrats are firing up more than Republicans.
High five.
High five.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Le Fries With That?
Mass protest has broken out in France this week over President Nicolas Sarkozy's plan to raise the country's retirement age from 60 to 62. When asked about the idea, American retirees said they were sorry but that they couldn't hear you over the death panels.
High five.
High five.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
HuffPost: Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!
My most recent Huffington Post article. It's about a guy who was formerly running for Stark County Treasurer in Stark County, Ohio. The only problem is... he's batshit insane. Enjoy.
Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!
High five.
High five.
Salmon Jeans
The FDA recently ruled that a genetically modified salmon, one which grows twice as fast as normal, is safe to eat and may hit store shelves soon. Scientists say the salmon was originally developed for Lady Gaga, who needed pants made of live salmon, but in half the time of her regular salmon pants maker.
High five.
High five.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Blow, Cubs, Blow!
A man was arrested in Chicago this weekend after placing a bag containing a fake explosive device near Wrigley field. Investigators say it's a good thing Wrigley Field is so inactive this time of year.
High five.
High five.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Eggs-treme Recall
1. Over 300 million eggs from Wright County Egg of Galt, Iowa have been recalled due to potential salmonella contamination. Experts say returning the eggs will be expensive for the distributor, and very painful for the chickens.
2. According to a new Associated Press poll, 6 in 10 Americans oppose the war in Afghanistan. When presented with a map of Afghanistan, the remaining 4 in 10 couldn't locate their own pointer finger.
3. It was reported on Thursday that North Korea opened its own Facebook account. US officials confirmed the page's legitimacy after the rogue nation's first status update, "Nukes 4eva!"
4. A new study concerning the Creation Museum in Kentucky says that the depository may alienate more visitors than it attracts with it creationism message. Though when told you are technically related to everyone you've ever dated, perhaps a little alienation is just what the doctor ordered.
5. According to a new study, eating fish oil with a low fat/high carb diet may decrease your cholesterol. Researcher add, however, that it will also increase your distance from other people.
High five.
2. According to a new Associated Press poll, 6 in 10 Americans oppose the war in Afghanistan. When presented with a map of Afghanistan, the remaining 4 in 10 couldn't locate their own pointer finger.
3. It was reported on Thursday that North Korea opened its own Facebook account. US officials confirmed the page's legitimacy after the rogue nation's first status update, "Nukes 4eva!"
4. A new study concerning the Creation Museum in Kentucky says that the depository may alienate more visitors than it attracts with it creationism message. Though when told you are technically related to everyone you've ever dated, perhaps a little alienation is just what the doctor ordered.
5. According to a new study, eating fish oil with a low fat/high carb diet may decrease your cholesterol. Researcher add, however, that it will also increase your distance from other people.
High five.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Boobie Trap
1. French police say they've captured three teenage girls who reportedly robbed dozens of men at ATMs by flashing their breasts and then taking the dispensed money while the men were distracted. Most of the men admitted it was an embarrassing way to be robbed. Wonderfully, wonderfully robbed.
2. A federal grand jury on Thursday indicted former baseball player Roger Clemens for lying to Congress about steroid use. Clemens has long denied the use of steroids but says that he will appear in court, as soon as all the doors to the courtroom are expanded many feet.
3. On Thursday the last American combat brigade left Iraq, signaling the near end to combat operations in the country. "Now that all Al Qaeda members have been chased out or killed, it's time to bring our troops home," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Gates then cracked up saying, "I'm just fuckin' with you, Al Qaeda was never there."
4. Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin says he may or may not start QB Ben Roethlisberger against the Giants this Saturday. Heh, like the word "no" has ever stopped Roethlisberger before.
5. Kat Von D of the show LA Ink on Wednesday said despite her new boyfriend Jesse James' past that she had a lot of respect for him. "I think that I'm his type on a different level than people would assume. Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean we're the perfect match." Von D then pooped a tattoo.
High five.
2. A federal grand jury on Thursday indicted former baseball player Roger Clemens for lying to Congress about steroid use. Clemens has long denied the use of steroids but says that he will appear in court, as soon as all the doors to the courtroom are expanded many feet.
3. On Thursday the last American combat brigade left Iraq, signaling the near end to combat operations in the country. "Now that all Al Qaeda members have been chased out or killed, it's time to bring our troops home," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Gates then cracked up saying, "I'm just fuckin' with you, Al Qaeda was never there."
4. Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin says he may or may not start QB Ben Roethlisberger against the Giants this Saturday. Heh, like the word "no" has ever stopped Roethlisberger before.
5. Kat Von D of the show LA Ink on Wednesday said despite her new boyfriend Jesse James' past that she had a lot of respect for him. "I think that I'm his type on a different level than people would assume. Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean we're the perfect match." Von D then pooped a tattoo.
High five.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Senate Angler
1. In an interview with the NYTimes, U.S. senate candidate Sharron Angle compared herself to the founding fathers, saying that she's getting a lot of the same criticism they probably incurred. Angle then called the NYTimes back to clarify she didn't believe she was JUST LIKE the founding fathers. Well she didn't call back, but one of her slaves did.
2. After a few embarrassing missteps, Ben Quayle, son of former vice president Dan Quayle, has reportedly lost his significant poll lead in his run for an Arizona congressional seat. And with this, the otherwise proud Quayle name may be forever tainted by instances of embarrassment and incompetence.
3. Last week musician Ted Nugent pleaded no contest to shooting a baited deer in the woods of Northern California, illegal in the state. Officials wouldn't say with what Nugent baited the animal, but it's safe to assume it wasn't his sweet guitar stylings.
4. Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he will return to the Minnesota Vikings to play football in the 2010 season. Favre will hold another press conference tomorrow to discuss his possible return in 2011.
5. Scientists in the Amazon says they've discovered a new species of bearded monkey, and add that it will go directly to the endangered species list due to its very low numbers. Researchers say their dwindling population isn't because of humans but rather the bearded monkey's natural rival, the shaving monkey.
High five.
2. After a few embarrassing missteps, Ben Quayle, son of former vice president Dan Quayle, has reportedly lost his significant poll lead in his run for an Arizona congressional seat. And with this, the otherwise proud Quayle name may be forever tainted by instances of embarrassment and incompetence.
3. Last week musician Ted Nugent pleaded no contest to shooting a baited deer in the woods of Northern California, illegal in the state. Officials wouldn't say with what Nugent baited the animal, but it's safe to assume it wasn't his sweet guitar stylings.
4. Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he will return to the Minnesota Vikings to play football in the 2010 season. Favre will hold another press conference tomorrow to discuss his possible return in 2011.
5. Scientists in the Amazon says they've discovered a new species of bearded monkey, and add that it will go directly to the endangered species list due to its very low numbers. Researchers say their dwindling population isn't because of humans but rather the bearded monkey's natural rival, the shaving monkey.
High five.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Without A Grace
1. Nancy Grace was taken to a hospital Monday after suffering a broken foot at the office. Finally seeing their chance, seven kidnapped children escaped to freedom.
2. According to a recent report, Fox News' parent company News Corp donated $1 million to the Republican Governors Association this last June. Read the full story in this week's issue of "Wasted Print Quarterly."
3. Heidi Montag's famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, died on Monday at the age of 50. The cause of death has been determined as extreme exhaustion.
4. While discussing the future of Google recently, CEO Eric Schmidt says, "[People] want Google to tell them what they should be doing next." Experts and media analysts believe that may be a bit of a stretch, but aren't sure, and await further instruction.
5. GM announced today that it is recalling 250,000 vehicles because the seat belts may not latch securely. The company says they don't know specifically which 250,000 are affected, so try 'em out!
High five.
2. According to a recent report, Fox News' parent company News Corp donated $1 million to the Republican Governors Association this last June. Read the full story in this week's issue of "Wasted Print Quarterly."
3. Heidi Montag's famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, died on Monday at the age of 50. The cause of death has been determined as extreme exhaustion.
4. While discussing the future of Google recently, CEO Eric Schmidt says, "[People] want Google to tell them what they should be doing next." Experts and media analysts believe that may be a bit of a stretch, but aren't sure, and await further instruction.
5. GM announced today that it is recalling 250,000 vehicles because the seat belts may not latch securely. The company says they don't know specifically which 250,000 are affected, so try 'em out!
High five.
Monday, August 16, 2010
Implode Warrior
1. On Sunday Mel Gibson crashed his sports car into a Malibu hillside adding to his ever increasing negative press. Police say alcohol was not involved but that he unfortunately crashed into Jew Hill.
2. Reality star Tia Tequila was rushed off stage at an Insane Clown Posse music festival Friday when the crowd began throwing rocks and even feces at her. After 25 were arrested, and one man was stabbed, it was clear the Insane Clown Posse fans would not be able to conclude their festival as usual with a critical reading of Foucault.
3. Democrats say that they may slash the food stamp budget to pay for Michelle Obama's anti-obesity program called "Let's Move." Not because there's no money to pay for it, but because American's are now too fat to pick up their food stamps.
4. A research team in Pennsylvania who uncovered the bones of Irish immigrants in a mass grave a year ago believe that many of them died from violence, a result of anti-Irish sentiment of time. The researchers refused to say more until the remains went through detox.
5. Folk singer Bob Dylan will unveil over 40 new paintings done by him in September at the National Gallery of Denmark. Critics say those who love Dylan's music will probably react similarly to his paintings: "What?"
High five.
2. Reality star Tia Tequila was rushed off stage at an Insane Clown Posse music festival Friday when the crowd began throwing rocks and even feces at her. After 25 were arrested, and one man was stabbed, it was clear the Insane Clown Posse fans would not be able to conclude their festival as usual with a critical reading of Foucault.
3. Democrats say that they may slash the food stamp budget to pay for Michelle Obama's anti-obesity program called "Let's Move." Not because there's no money to pay for it, but because American's are now too fat to pick up their food stamps.
4. A research team in Pennsylvania who uncovered the bones of Irish immigrants in a mass grave a year ago believe that many of them died from violence, a result of anti-Irish sentiment of time. The researchers refused to say more until the remains went through detox.
5. Folk singer Bob Dylan will unveil over 40 new paintings done by him in September at the National Gallery of Denmark. Critics say those who love Dylan's music will probably react similarly to his paintings: "What?"
High five.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Mellow Yellow Fugitive
1. One of three escaped convicts was caught near Yellowstone on Monday, after being on the run for just 10 days. With his partners still loose somewhere between Wyoming and Montana, Tracy Province, 42, said he was relieved to have been caught. Upon hearing this, police looked confused and then replied, "Yeah? Well... maybe we changed our minds."
2. Us Magazine reports today that actor Hayden Christensen and actress Rachel Bilson have called off their wedding and engagement to take some time away from each other. No word yet on the reasoning but sources say Bilson finally got around to seeing Star Wars Episode 2 and 3.
3. On Monday, US engineer Noshir Gowadia was convicted of selling military secrets to China and prosecutors say he pocketed over $100K from the operation. Federal authorities were aware of a leak but were only tipped off to Gowadia when they discovered his vanity license plate said "SHHHHH."
4. Letitia A. Long is now the first woman to head a major US intelligence agency after taking her post as chief at the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency on Monday. Thus ends the long tradition of inaugurating chiefs with a paid female intern and a stripper pole made from redacted UFO documents.
5. Republicans in the House are pushing for a bill that will give them a tax-funded, two month recess after the midterm elections in order to stop Democrats from passing bills during the "lame duck" period. In future news, Rep. John Boehner returned to his duties after a two month vacation on the surface of the Sun.
High five.
2. Us Magazine reports today that actor Hayden Christensen and actress Rachel Bilson have called off their wedding and engagement to take some time away from each other. No word yet on the reasoning but sources say Bilson finally got around to seeing Star Wars Episode 2 and 3.
3. On Monday, US engineer Noshir Gowadia was convicted of selling military secrets to China and prosecutors say he pocketed over $100K from the operation. Federal authorities were aware of a leak but were only tipped off to Gowadia when they discovered his vanity license plate said "SHHHHH."
4. Letitia A. Long is now the first woman to head a major US intelligence agency after taking her post as chief at the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency on Monday. Thus ends the long tradition of inaugurating chiefs with a paid female intern and a stripper pole made from redacted UFO documents.
5. Republicans in the House are pushing for a bill that will give them a tax-funded, two month recess after the midterm elections in order to stop Democrats from passing bills during the "lame duck" period. In future news, Rep. John Boehner returned to his duties after a two month vacation on the surface of the Sun.
High five.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Photo High Five #21
A Fairbanks, Alaska comic collector put his extremely rare Batman no.1 issue up for sale this week, and it's expected to fetch around $40,000 at auction. The man says he'll use the money to buy something for his girlfriend... who you haven't met... and lives up north... in the arctic circle.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Photo High Five #20
After six months of Congress playing host to corporate lobbyists, janitors begin their long, tedious, semiannual cleaning of the Congressional swimming pool.
Monday, July 26, 2010
BP = Badly Photoshopped
1. BP is the subject of even further controversy after it was discovered that a photo of their oil spill command center was heavily Photoshopped. The image went unnoticed for weeks until one web user noticed that BP CEO Tony Hayward was missing his C-section scar.
2. A Brooklyn couple is reportedly very upset with Chelsea Clinton now that the former first daughter is getting married on the same day, and withing five minutes of them, making arrangements very difficult. "Chelsea Clinton has taken what was supposed to be a special day for me turned it into hell," says bride-to-be Emn Haddad-Friedman. Haddad-Friedman say however that she has invited the Clintons to stop by... Bill has RSVP'd that he will.
3. There are reports now that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping around a reality TV show about their relationship. Networks said they would be interested in a pilot, but no long term commitments. To which Levi replied, "Perfect!"
4. Texas A&M announced that they will no longer supply the toilet paper in the dorms as a way of cutting costs to the school. Experts however wonder now what they'll use to clean up their own bullshit.
5. Thousands of documents released today by the website WikiLeaks, reportedly leaked by various military servicemen and women, have created even more doubts about the Afgan War. Wait... the war in Afghanistan is not going well, you say? Huh...
High five.
2. A Brooklyn couple is reportedly very upset with Chelsea Clinton now that the former first daughter is getting married on the same day, and withing five minutes of them, making arrangements very difficult. "Chelsea Clinton has taken what was supposed to be a special day for me turned it into hell," says bride-to-be Emn Haddad-Friedman. Haddad-Friedman say however that she has invited the Clintons to stop by... Bill has RSVP'd that he will.
3. There are reports now that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping around a reality TV show about their relationship. Networks said they would be interested in a pilot, but no long term commitments. To which Levi replied, "Perfect!"
4. Texas A&M announced that they will no longer supply the toilet paper in the dorms as a way of cutting costs to the school. Experts however wonder now what they'll use to clean up their own bullshit.
5. Thousands of documents released today by the website WikiLeaks, reportedly leaked by various military servicemen and women, have created even more doubts about the Afgan War. Wait... the war in Afghanistan is not going well, you say? Huh...
High five.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Jersey War
1. It's been reported that the cast of the Jersey Shore is on strike after allegedly being very dissatisfied with their recent contracts. The cast says they refuse to shoot any more scenes until they get a better deal. MTV finally caved today and granted them the free, unlimited VD tests they requested.
2. Keith Olbermann announced Friday that he will be taking a two week vacation in the wake of a feud with right wing pundit Tucker Carlson. Olbermann did not state whether the vacation was related to the feud but witnesses say Carlson Friday set a two week alarm on his Re-Douche-ination Stasis Chamber.
3. An episode of MTV's The Dudesons, about four friends who perform outrageous stunts, has been pulled from the network for its offensive nature toward Native American culture. Many music artists voiced concerns that their music may have backed some of this offensive video, but MTV assured them none of their programming is ever in danger of being involved with music.
4. On Monday, Rep. Michelle Bachmann announced that her request to form an official congressional Tea Party caucus has been approved by the Committee on House Administration. Bachmann says the caucus will stand for fiscal responsibility, adherence to the Constitution, and of course giving a voice to the other voices in a teabagger's head.
5. In an interview with People, Spencer Pratt said that he and his wife Heidi Montag split because he chose fame over her. "We love each other but I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it," said Pratt. Unfortunately for Pratt, his fame will someday expire, and most of Heidi's body never will.
High five.
2. Keith Olbermann announced Friday that he will be taking a two week vacation in the wake of a feud with right wing pundit Tucker Carlson. Olbermann did not state whether the vacation was related to the feud but witnesses say Carlson Friday set a two week alarm on his Re-Douche-ination Stasis Chamber.
3. An episode of MTV's The Dudesons, about four friends who perform outrageous stunts, has been pulled from the network for its offensive nature toward Native American culture. Many music artists voiced concerns that their music may have backed some of this offensive video, but MTV assured them none of their programming is ever in danger of being involved with music.
4. On Monday, Rep. Michelle Bachmann announced that her request to form an official congressional Tea Party caucus has been approved by the Committee on House Administration. Bachmann says the caucus will stand for fiscal responsibility, adherence to the Constitution, and of course giving a voice to the other voices in a teabagger's head.
5. In an interview with People, Spencer Pratt said that he and his wife Heidi Montag split because he chose fame over her. "We love each other but I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it," said Pratt. Unfortunately for Pratt, his fame will someday expire, and most of Heidi's body never will.
High five.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
