1. When the GOP-controlled House goes to work next week, members will read the constitution out loud (something that has never been done in the chamber's 221 year history) which analysts say is a result of the Tea Party's influence. Newly elected Tea Party members will also be present to read the US Constitution, and say they're excited for their first time ever reading it.
2. This week Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski retained her post after a highly contested election and ensuing legal battle. Surprisingly it was not decided by a recount as in most states, but rather the Alaskan way: an old fashioned oil spill off.
3. A new study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience shows that people with a larger amygdala in their brain tend to socialize more. So, ladies, when that large headed guy keeps coming up to talk to you, remember: nature wants me to do that.
4. A recent study shows that while the US teen pregnancy rate is the lowest it's been in 70 years, it's still far lower in most European countries. Scientists say its due to contraception availability, but more patriotic scientists say the capitalist, every-sperm-for-itself mentality that occurs during coitus just doesn't jive with the evil, socialist teens in Europe.
5. A New York publishing house has confirmed that they have signed a book deal with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. The confidential details of the deal have not been released, but---oh wait, never mind, there they are.
High five.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
Teats Of Strength
1. A dog in Germany has given birth to 17 puppies. The newsworthiness of the story may be questioned, but you can be sure it somehow involves a drunken David Hasselhoff.
2. This week the Senate approved the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban, ending years of what some believe amounted to discrimination. In other news, one military tank mechanic has found the courage to reveal his fabulous pink detailing ideas.
3. The author of a guide book to pedophilia was charged in Florida this week for breaking the state's obscenity laws. In future news, the author of a pedophilia guide book was killed in prison by the author of a necrophilia guide book.
4. On Monday the Bears and Vikings will meet in Minnesota for the state's first outdoor pro football game in 29 years. With falling snow and frigid temperatures expected to reach below zero, Favre mistressess expect to receive no in-game penis pictures.
5. Senator Harry Reid reportedly made his first tweet after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed to Lady Gaga, saying, "We did it! DADT is a thing of the past." The singer, a long time gay rights advocate, tried to respond but admits she isn't very good with her new rainbow sparkly meat phone with a qwerty keyboard made from kitty teeth.
High five.
2. This week the Senate approved the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban, ending years of what some believe amounted to discrimination. In other news, one military tank mechanic has found the courage to reveal his fabulous pink detailing ideas.
3. The author of a guide book to pedophilia was charged in Florida this week for breaking the state's obscenity laws. In future news, the author of a pedophilia guide book was killed in prison by the author of a necrophilia guide book.
4. On Monday the Bears and Vikings will meet in Minnesota for the state's first outdoor pro football game in 29 years. With falling snow and frigid temperatures expected to reach below zero, Favre mistressess expect to receive no in-game penis pictures.
5. Senator Harry Reid reportedly made his first tweet after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed to Lady Gaga, saying, "We did it! DADT is a thing of the past." The singer, a long time gay rights advocate, tried to respond but admits she isn't very good with her new rainbow sparkly meat phone with a qwerty keyboard made from kitty teeth.
High five.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Lara Croft: Womb Raider
1. Actress Angelina Jolie last week said that she would be open to having more children. Upon hearing the news, her vagina screamed, "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists. The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.
3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor. The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."
4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside. The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.
5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million. On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.
High five.
2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists. The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.
3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor. The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."
4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside. The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.
5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million. On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.
High five.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Weiners & Losers
1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly today debated with Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner over Obama's tax cut deal with the GOP. The democrat could do little to sway the Fox News host, but then again, that's not the first time Megyn Kelly has been forced to deal with a flailing wiener.
2. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan may appear on a future iteration of Dancing With The Stars. Lohan says this way she can continue her two favorite pastimes, entertaining and standing in front of judges.
3. When asked if she was a lesbian during an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Oprah Winfrey cried and said she was not. Winfrey quickly stopped the interview, but felt good enough to continue after finding keys to a new car under her chair.
4. In a letter today, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann criticized President Obama for not using the word "God" enough when he speaks. Upon hearing this, God laughed mischievously and added a few more leaves to Bachmann's gutters in preparation for a particularly rainy spring.
5. On Wednesday Ted Turner said that he was "on the verge of poverty" now that he has only a few million dollars left of what was once a billion dollar fortune. In other news, experts agree that Ted Turner is on the verge of sanity.
High five.
2. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan may appear on a future iteration of Dancing With The Stars. Lohan says this way she can continue her two favorite pastimes, entertaining and standing in front of judges.
3. When asked if she was a lesbian during an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Oprah Winfrey cried and said she was not. Winfrey quickly stopped the interview, but felt good enough to continue after finding keys to a new car under her chair.
4. In a letter today, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann criticized President Obama for not using the word "God" enough when he speaks. Upon hearing this, God laughed mischievously and added a few more leaves to Bachmann's gutters in preparation for a particularly rainy spring.
5. On Wednesday Ted Turner said that he was "on the verge of poverty" now that he has only a few million dollars left of what was once a billion dollar fortune. In other news, experts agree that Ted Turner is on the verge of sanity.
High five.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Oh, Brothers!
1. The top Catholic educating order De La Salle Christian Brothers recently admitted to concealing abuse within their organization after documents were discovered by the AP. The groups leader says they never intended to hide the truth, but that the documents were likely lost underneath a pile of alter boys.
2. According to a new report, former senate candidate Christine O'Donnell saved nearly $8 million from her campaign in anticipation of defending herself against lawsuits. No word yet on who will sue O'Donnell but rumor has it there is a defamation of character lawsuit from the wizard Kragtor, Harbinger of Souls.
3. Microsoft today introduced a new privacy feature for Internet Explorer which they say will allow users to surf the web more securely and let fewer people see what they're doing. The new browser works like this: whenever you log onto Facebook, your browser automatically transfers you to MySpace.
4. France's air authority says that 20% of Paris' airport flights will be canceled Wednesday due to impending snowfall. However, climate scientists today released a statement saying that if you simply advance towards it, the French snow will quickly retreat.
5. A new study out of Australia shows that 40% of older men age 75 and up want more sex. However, when reached for comment their wives could not be nudged awake.
High five.
2. According to a new report, former senate candidate Christine O'Donnell saved nearly $8 million from her campaign in anticipation of defending herself against lawsuits. No word yet on who will sue O'Donnell but rumor has it there is a defamation of character lawsuit from the wizard Kragtor, Harbinger of Souls.
3. Microsoft today introduced a new privacy feature for Internet Explorer which they say will allow users to surf the web more securely and let fewer people see what they're doing. The new browser works like this: whenever you log onto Facebook, your browser automatically transfers you to MySpace.
4. France's air authority says that 20% of Paris' airport flights will be canceled Wednesday due to impending snowfall. However, climate scientists today released a statement saying that if you simply advance towards it, the French snow will quickly retreat.
5. A new study out of Australia shows that 40% of older men age 75 and up want more sex. However, when reached for comment their wives could not be nudged awake.
High five.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Pittsburgh, Dead Ahead!
1. An airplane made an unscheduled stop in Pittsburgh on Monday after a dog on board bit two passengers. Then again, is there really even such a thing as a scheduled Pittsburgh stop?
2. The Supreme Court will hear a class action suit against Wal-Mart to determine whether or not the company has a gender bias in their hiring practices. Wal-Mart today released a statement insisting that there is no bias and that they couldn't function without stupid people of both genders.
3. President Obama and congressional GOP members today finalized an agreement to extend tax cuts for all Americans while also extending unemployment benefits for those out of work long term, or Democrats.
4. The televised gay marriage hearing in California today attracted a large audience, giving viewers a first hand look at the fate of Prop 8. 60% of those who tuned in say they want Prop 8 overturned, 30% say they want Prop 8 upheld, while 10% say they're not gay, they just like to watch.
5. This week on the show Sarah Palin's Alaska the Palins are joined out in the wild by Kate Gosselin and her children. If you're keeping score at home, that's Palin, Gosselin, and their 382 children.
High five.
2. The Supreme Court will hear a class action suit against Wal-Mart to determine whether or not the company has a gender bias in their hiring practices. Wal-Mart today released a statement insisting that there is no bias and that they couldn't function without stupid people of both genders.
3. President Obama and congressional GOP members today finalized an agreement to extend tax cuts for all Americans while also extending unemployment benefits for those out of work long term, or Democrats.
4. The televised gay marriage hearing in California today attracted a large audience, giving viewers a first hand look at the fate of Prop 8. 60% of those who tuned in say they want Prop 8 overturned, 30% say they want Prop 8 upheld, while 10% say they're not gay, they just like to watch.
5. This week on the show Sarah Palin's Alaska the Palins are joined out in the wild by Kate Gosselin and her children. If you're keeping score at home, that's Palin, Gosselin, and their 382 children.
High five.
Friday, December 3, 2010
A One Eight Seven Dwarves
1. After nearly 14 years, Disney's planned community, a small town called Celebration, has suffered its first homicide. Residents were initially shocked by the news but were fine once they discovered the victim had actually shot Bambi's mother.
2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about. In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.
3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased. Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes."
4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out. However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."
5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan. The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.
High five.
2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about. In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.
3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased. Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes."
4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out. However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."
5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan. The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.
High five.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Radioactive Spider-Musical
1. Spider-Man the musical is set to open on Broadway soon with a reported cost of $65 million, despite less than thrilling previews. Making this money back will be even more daunting since most of those in attendance will be without dates.
2. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is going to be auctioned off this month and the bidding is expected to start at $1,000. Not to be outdone, the executor of Jack Ruby's estate will start Ruby's coffin at $1,500.
3. Police in Europe are officially on the lookout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in relation to rape allegations. Assange has already been in seclusion after releasing diplomatic documents damaging to the representatives of many countries. If only there were some... organization that could... leak... his exact location.
4. GOP leaders said today that they will continue to block all legislation until the Bush tax cuts are extended. Democrats say the most hurt by this move is funding for the Cancer Organization Coalition, and that it doesn't surprise them at all that the GOP would even resort to COC blocking.
5. Astronomers today released a study showing that there may actually be three times as many stars in the universe as previously thought. The new count is estimated at 300 sextillion. Astronomers are excited for the discovery but more excited that they were somehow able to get 'sex' into their lives.
High five.
2. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is going to be auctioned off this month and the bidding is expected to start at $1,000. Not to be outdone, the executor of Jack Ruby's estate will start Ruby's coffin at $1,500.
3. Police in Europe are officially on the lookout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in relation to rape allegations. Assange has already been in seclusion after releasing diplomatic documents damaging to the representatives of many countries. If only there were some... organization that could... leak... his exact location.
4. GOP leaders said today that they will continue to block all legislation until the Bush tax cuts are extended. Democrats say the most hurt by this move is funding for the Cancer Organization Coalition, and that it doesn't surprise them at all that the GOP would even resort to COC blocking.
5. Astronomers today released a study showing that there may actually be three times as many stars in the universe as previously thought. The new count is estimated at 300 sextillion. Astronomers are excited for the discovery but more excited that they were somehow able to get 'sex' into their lives.
High five.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Full Of Grace
1. CNN's Nancy Grace had surgery this week to remove a growth doctors feared might be cancer, but that fortunately turned out to be non-malignant. During the operation, however, doctor's did find three previously missing children inside her.
2. In a recent CNN interview, Senator John McCain compared Sarah Palin to former President Ronald Reagan, saying that he at times was seen as divisive, too. Upon hearing this, millions of nostalgic American's envied Reagan's ability to easily forget people like Sarah Palin.
3. During a broadcast discussion on Facebook with CEO Mark Zuckerberg, George W. Bush praised President Obama for his work in Afghanistan as well as with education. Unfortunately, no one in American heard the conversation, since they had chosen to 'hide' Bush long ago.
4. Irvin Kershner, known for directing The Empire Strikes Back, died on Saturday at the age of 87. Star Wars creator George Lucas said he was saddened by the news, but is confident he'll be able to digitally add Kershner back into his life somehow.
5. The Jersey Shore cast has been included among Barbara Walters 'Most Fascinating People of 2010.' Continuing with the theme, Walters has also included Hepatitis A, B, and E.
High five.
2. In a recent CNN interview, Senator John McCain compared Sarah Palin to former President Ronald Reagan, saying that he at times was seen as divisive, too. Upon hearing this, millions of nostalgic American's envied Reagan's ability to easily forget people like Sarah Palin.
3. During a broadcast discussion on Facebook with CEO Mark Zuckerberg, George W. Bush praised President Obama for his work in Afghanistan as well as with education. Unfortunately, no one in American heard the conversation, since they had chosen to 'hide' Bush long ago.
4. Irvin Kershner, known for directing The Empire Strikes Back, died on Saturday at the age of 87. Star Wars creator George Lucas said he was saddened by the news, but is confident he'll be able to digitally add Kershner back into his life somehow.
5. The Jersey Shore cast has been included among Barbara Walters 'Most Fascinating People of 2010.' Continuing with the theme, Walters has also included Hepatitis A, B, and E.
High five.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
MyFace
1. Facebook today received a letter of allowance from the US Patent Office for trademark of the word "face" as it relates to online bulletin boards. In other news, MySpace's CEO found a nearly untouched bear claw in the dumpster behind a Dunkin Donuts.
2. The US government today moved to outlaw fake pot, a drug that contains chemicals which imitate the effects of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. The FDA is now looking into the ramifications this will have on the fake munchies industry.
3. Sarah Palin criticized first lady Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program saying it's "government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us." Palin then gave her infant son a tiny, lead-based painted toy to chew on.
4. Former US House majority leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay was found guilty of money laundering today, which carries a possible sentence of life in prison. While Delay appeals the verdict, his future cellmate has already thought of multiple sexual positions he can refer to as "Hammering the Nail.".
5. The wife of comedian George Lopez filed for divorce earlier this week, citing irreconcilable differences. Adding salt to the wound, Comedy has also requested separation from the late night host.
High five.
2. The US government today moved to outlaw fake pot, a drug that contains chemicals which imitate the effects of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. The FDA is now looking into the ramifications this will have on the fake munchies industry.
3. Sarah Palin criticized first lady Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program saying it's "government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us." Palin then gave her infant son a tiny, lead-based painted toy to chew on.
4. Former US House majority leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay was found guilty of money laundering today, which carries a possible sentence of life in prison. While Delay appeals the verdict, his future cellmate has already thought of multiple sexual positions he can refer to as "Hammering the Nail.".
5. The wife of comedian George Lopez filed for divorce earlier this week, citing irreconcilable differences. Adding salt to the wound, Comedy has also requested separation from the late night host.
High five.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Missississing Your Period
1. The ACLU today released a report showing that Walgreen's stores in Texas and Mississippi are refusing to sell the "morning after pill" to men. Store owners however say they reserve the right not to sell the contraception to men who are not accompanied by the cousin they had sex with.
2. A new report shows that over the summer quarters American corporations recorded the highest profits ever. In keeping with their role as America's deadbeat-friend-who-borrows-money-then-wins-the-lottery-and-still-never-repays-you, corporations today left a small unnoticeable-but-noticeable-to-you crack in your HD television after some playful rough housing.
3. Sarah Palin's new book America by Heart was released today. Critics say that it's easy to know all of America by heart when your "America" is the parts of the country that can be seen from Russia.
4. A new study shows that people who consume 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks daily have the best protection against heart disease. In related news, Keith Richards was today declared the healthiest man alive.
5. Texas Rangers' outfielder Josh Hamilton today won the AL's MVP award. Yes, this is the third year in a row he's won the Alcoholic League's highest honor.
High five.
2. A new report shows that over the summer quarters American corporations recorded the highest profits ever. In keeping with their role as America's deadbeat-friend-who-borrows-money-then-wins-the-lottery-and-still-never-repays-you, corporations today left a small unnoticeable-but-noticeable-to-you crack in your HD television after some playful rough housing.
3. Sarah Palin's new book America by Heart was released today. Critics say that it's easy to know all of America by heart when your "America" is the parts of the country that can be seen from Russia.
4. A new study shows that people who consume 1 to 2 alcoholic drinks daily have the best protection against heart disease. In related news, Keith Richards was today declared the healthiest man alive.
5. Texas Rangers' outfielder Josh Hamilton today won the AL's MVP award. Yes, this is the third year in a row he's won the Alcoholic League's highest honor.
High five.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Bar Exams
1. An Idaho woman was jailed this past week for allegedly posing as a doctor and giving women breast exams in bars. The victims knew that something was up when the men in the bar offered to pay the exam bills with hundreds of singles.
2. The FBI raided three hedge fund groups that may be part of a larger insider trading scandal. The hedge fund companies said they were worried at first but then developed an algorithm and made money off the raid.
3. A new poll shows that if elections were held today, President Obama would defeat Sarah Palin by a significant margin. Experts say it's too soon to make any predictions, and add that Palin would likely dominate the skeet shooting portion of the debates.
4. A study done by CQ Press found that St. Louis is the most dangerous city in the country when it comes to violent crime rates. Other cities included Camden, NJ, Oakland, CA, and oh what the hell for nostalgia sake Detroit, MI.
5. On Monday, Oprah held a second "Favorite Things" episode this year, the first time in the show's history. Audience members received an iPad, a 2012 VW Beetle, and a gold plated placeholder for the unemployment line.
High five.
2. The FBI raided three hedge fund groups that may be part of a larger insider trading scandal. The hedge fund companies said they were worried at first but then developed an algorithm and made money off the raid.
3. A new poll shows that if elections were held today, President Obama would defeat Sarah Palin by a significant margin. Experts say it's too soon to make any predictions, and add that Palin would likely dominate the skeet shooting portion of the debates.
4. A study done by CQ Press found that St. Louis is the most dangerous city in the country when it comes to violent crime rates. Other cities included Camden, NJ, Oakland, CA, and oh what the hell for nostalgia sake Detroit, MI.
5. On Monday, Oprah held a second "Favorite Things" episode this year, the first time in the show's history. Audience members received an iPad, a 2012 VW Beetle, and a gold plated placeholder for the unemployment line.
High five.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Dog-stoyevsky?
1. Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin received a new puppy as a gift this weekend and he has invited all Russian citizens to help give it a name. So far, the top suggestion has been "Dinner."
2. A study released this week shows that a new drug called anacetrapib has been so successful in lowering bad cholesterol that researchers were shocked by the results. Scientists say the drug acts by inhibiting the receptors in your brain that make you want to watch NASCAR.
3. Newly re-elected Lisa Murkowski has become the first write-in candidate to win a Senate seat since 1954. The last person to do it? California Senator I.C. Weiner.
4. Federal authorities are holding onto the new TSA pat-down security checks at airports, even with the deluge of complaints from critics who see it as invasive. Passengers point out that the pat-downs wouldn't be so bad if the screeners weren't thinking about other passengers while doing it.
5. A Wisconsin man was arrested Tuesday morning after blasting his TV with a shotgun, apparently upset over Bristol Palin's performance on Dancing with the Stars. Similarly distraught over her daughter's performance, Sarah Palin went outside and shot a pack of wolves from a helicopter.
High five.
2. A study released this week shows that a new drug called anacetrapib has been so successful in lowering bad cholesterol that researchers were shocked by the results. Scientists say the drug acts by inhibiting the receptors in your brain that make you want to watch NASCAR.
3. Newly re-elected Lisa Murkowski has become the first write-in candidate to win a Senate seat since 1954. The last person to do it? California Senator I.C. Weiner.
4. Federal authorities are holding onto the new TSA pat-down security checks at airports, even with the deluge of complaints from critics who see it as invasive. Passengers point out that the pat-downs wouldn't be so bad if the screeners weren't thinking about other passengers while doing it.
5. A Wisconsin man was arrested Tuesday morning after blasting his TV with a shotgun, apparently upset over Bristol Palin's performance on Dancing with the Stars. Similarly distraught over her daughter's performance, Sarah Palin went outside and shot a pack of wolves from a helicopter.
High five.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Ethics Rangel-ing
1. The House ethics panel investigating Rep. Charlie Rangel released a statement today saying that the congressman violated multiple ethics rules. They added, "And these aren't just the small time ethics rules we all broke just to get into congress."
2. The owners of the Chicago Cubs are asking their home city for $300 million to renovate Wrigley Field. So in love with their team, the city of Chicago promptly provided the team with the asked amount, whereupon the Cubs lost it in the sun.
3. The entire Beatles collection is available on iTunes today after years of turbulent litigation and negotiation. Critics however worry that millions of iPod users will be so focused on their new choices in music that they won't have time to continue not socializing.
4. Some GOP senators are pushing to have the Federal Reserve stripped of any power to address unemployment. This of course is not the first time members of the Republican party have wanted something to strip in front of them.
5. A new company called Made in Space is touting a new 3D printer technology that may allow them to one day print out a space station, greatly decreasing the resources need to drive current operations. The company does say however that America will still need to run to Office Max every two months or so for the billion dollar cartridges.
High five.
2. The owners of the Chicago Cubs are asking their home city for $300 million to renovate Wrigley Field. So in love with their team, the city of Chicago promptly provided the team with the asked amount, whereupon the Cubs lost it in the sun.
3. The entire Beatles collection is available on iTunes today after years of turbulent litigation and negotiation. Critics however worry that millions of iPod users will be so focused on their new choices in music that they won't have time to continue not socializing.
4. Some GOP senators are pushing to have the Federal Reserve stripped of any power to address unemployment. This of course is not the first time members of the Republican party have wanted something to strip in front of them.
5. A new company called Made in Space is touting a new 3D printer technology that may allow them to one day print out a space station, greatly decreasing the resources need to drive current operations. The company does say however that America will still need to run to Office Max every two months or so for the billion dollar cartridges.
High five.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Penile Denial
Brett Favre is denying claims by former SI columnist Jenn Sterger that he sent pictures of his penis to her while quarterback for the Jets. However, Sterger says the pictures clearly show a penis unsure as to which way it should bend.
High five.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Fezzy Lifting
Wilmer Valderrama, who played Fez on "That 70's Show," said today he hopes Lindsay Lohan will get her life back on track soon. Valderrama then asked reporters for whatever change they had in their pockets.
High five.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Icy Hot Heat
Miami Heat star Dwayne Wade pulled a hamstring in the preseason opener Tuesday after only 3 minutes. Not to worry though, Heat management says they've nabbed the best physical therapist free agent in all of Cleveland.
High five.
High five.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Wicca Media
Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell released a TV ad this week telling voters that she is "not a witch," backing away from comments she made years ago about once practicing Wicca. O'Donnell says she's had to summon a lot of strength to move forward, but that it was easy after summoning GROGTOR: BRINGER OF STRENGTH!
High five.
High five.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Thurber, Baby
Steve Hely, writer for NBC's "The Office," won the Thurber Prize for American Humor on Monday for his novel, "How I Became a Famous Novelist." On Tuesday, NBC is expected to introduce three new fall sitcoms based on him winning this prize.
High five.
High five.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Education Inflation
GOP senate candidate Christine O'Donnell on Friday denied reports that she has exaggerated or misrepresented her educational background. However, as of this posting, no one from her alma mater, Jesus Einstein University, could be reached for comment.
High five.
High five.
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