Sign Of The Times

A new AP poll shows that Republican supporters are more fired up than Democratic supporters moving towards election day. However, this contradicts a new High Times poll which shows that Democrats are firing up more than Republicans.

High five.

Le Fries With That?

Mass protest has broken out in France this week over President Nicolas Sarkozy's plan to raise the country's retirement age from 60 to 62. When asked about the idea, American retirees said they were sorry but that they couldn't hear you over the death panels.

High five.

HuffPost: Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!

My most recent Huffington Post article. It's about a guy who was formerly running for Stark County Treasurer in Stark County, Ohio. The only problem is... he's batshit insane. Enjoy.

Stuff Phil Davison Told Me!

High five.

Salmon Jeans

The FDA recently ruled that a genetically modified salmon, one which grows twice as fast as normal, is safe to eat and may hit store shelves soon. Scientists say the salmon was originally developed for Lady Gaga, who needed pants made of live salmon, but in half the time of her regular salmon pants maker.

High five.

Blow, Cubs, Blow!

A man was arrested in Chicago this weekend after placing a bag containing a fake explosive device near Wrigley field. Investigators say it's a good thing Wrigley Field is so inactive this time of year.

High five.

Eggs-treme Recall

1. Over 300 million eggs from Wright County Egg of Galt, Iowa have been recalled due to potential salmonella contamination. Experts say returning the eggs will be expensive for the distributor, and very painful for the chickens.

2. According to a new Associated Press poll, 6 in 10 Americans oppose the war in Afghanistan. When presented with a map of Afghanistan, the remaining 4 in 10 couldn't locate their own pointer finger.

3. It was reported on Thursday that North Korea opened its own Facebook account. US officials confirmed the page's legitimacy after the rogue nation's first status update, "Nukes 4eva!"

4. A new study concerning the Creation Museum in Kentucky says that the depository may alienate more visitors than it attracts with it creationism message. Though when told you are technically related to everyone you've ever dated, perhaps a little alienation is just what the doctor ordered.

5. According to a new study, eating fish oil with a low fat/high carb diet may decrease your cholesterol. Researcher add, however, that it will also increase your distance from other people.

High five.

Boobie Trap

1. French police say they've captured three teenage girls who reportedly robbed dozens of men at ATMs by flashing their breasts and then taking the dispensed money while the men were distracted. Most of the men admitted it was an embarrassing way to be robbed. Wonderfully, wonderfully robbed.

2. A federal grand jury on Thursday indicted former baseball player Roger Clemens for lying to Congress about steroid use. Clemens has long denied the use of steroids but says that he will appear in court, as soon as all the doors to the courtroom are expanded many feet.

3. On Thursday the last American combat brigade left Iraq, signaling the near end to combat operations in the country. "Now that all Al Qaeda members have been chased out or killed, it's time to bring our troops home," said Secretary of Defense Robert Gates. Gates then cracked up saying, "I'm just fuckin' with you, Al Qaeda was never there."

4. Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin says he may or may not start QB Ben Roethlisberger against the Giants this Saturday. Heh, like the word "no" has ever stopped Roethlisberger before.

5. Kat Von D of the show LA Ink on Wednesday said despite her new boyfriend Jesse James' past that she had a lot of respect for him. "I think that I'm his type on a different level than people would assume. Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean we're the perfect match." Von D then pooped a tattoo.

High five.

Senate Angler

1. In an interview with the NYTimes, U.S. senate candidate Sharron Angle compared herself to the founding fathers, saying that she's getting a lot of the same criticism they probably incurred. Angle then called the NYTimes back to clarify she didn't believe she was JUST LIKE the founding fathers. Well she didn't call back, but one of her slaves did.

2. After a few embarrassing missteps, Ben Quayle, son of former vice president Dan Quayle, has reportedly lost his significant poll lead in his run for an Arizona congressional seat. And with this, the otherwise proud Quayle name may be forever tainted by instances of embarrassment and incompetence.

3. Last week musician Ted Nugent pleaded no contest to shooting a baited deer in the woods of Northern California, illegal in the state. Officials wouldn't say with what Nugent baited the animal, but it's safe to assume it wasn't his sweet guitar stylings.

4. Brett Favre held a press conference today to announce that he will return to the Minnesota Vikings to play football in the 2010 season. Favre will hold another press conference tomorrow to discuss his possible return in 2011.

5. Scientists in the Amazon says they've discovered a new species of bearded monkey, and add that it will go directly to the endangered species list due to its very low numbers. Researchers say their dwindling population isn't because of humans but rather the bearded monkey's natural rival, the shaving monkey.

High five.

Without A Grace

1. Nancy Grace was taken to a hospital Monday after suffering a broken foot at the office. Finally seeing their chance, seven kidnapped children escaped to freedom.

2. According to a recent report, Fox News' parent company News Corp donated $1 million to the Republican Governors Association this last June. Read the full story in this week's issue of "Wasted Print Quarterly."

3. Heidi Montag's famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, died on Monday at the age of 50. The cause of death has been determined as extreme exhaustion.

4. While discussing the future of Google recently, CEO Eric Schmidt says, "[People] want Google to tell them what they should be doing next." Experts and media analysts believe that may be a bit of a stretch, but aren't sure, and await further instruction.

5. GM announced today that it is recalling 250,000 vehicles because the seat belts may not latch securely. The company says they don't know specifically which 250,000 are affected, so try 'em out!

High five.

Implode Warrior

1. On Sunday Mel Gibson crashed his sports car into a Malibu hillside adding to his ever increasing negative press. Police say alcohol was not involved but that he unfortunately crashed into Jew Hill.

2. Reality star Tia Tequila was rushed off stage at an Insane Clown Posse music festival Friday when the crowd began throwing rocks and even feces at her. After 25 were arrested, and one man was stabbed, it was clear the Insane Clown Posse fans would not be able to conclude their festival as usual with a critical reading of Foucault.

3. Democrats say that they may slash the food stamp budget to pay for Michelle Obama's anti-obesity program called "Let's Move." Not because there's no money to pay for it, but because American's are now too fat to pick up their food stamps.

4. A research team in Pennsylvania who uncovered the bones of Irish immigrants in a mass grave a year ago believe that many of them died from violence, a result of anti-Irish sentiment of time. The researchers refused to say more until the remains went through detox.

5. Folk singer Bob Dylan will unveil over 40 new paintings done by him in September at the National Gallery of Denmark. Critics say those who love Dylan's music will probably react similarly to his paintings: "What?"

High five.

Mellow Yellow Fugitive

1. One of three escaped convicts was caught near Yellowstone on Monday, after being on the run for just 10 days. With his partners still loose somewhere between Wyoming and Montana, Tracy Province, 42, said he was relieved to have been caught. Upon hearing this, police looked confused and then replied, "Yeah? Well... maybe we changed our minds."

2. Us Magazine reports today that actor Hayden Christensen and actress Rachel Bilson have called off their wedding and engagement to take some time away from each other. No word yet on the reasoning but sources say Bilson finally got around to seeing Star Wars Episode 2 and 3.

3. On Monday, US engineer Noshir Gowadia was convicted of selling military secrets to China and prosecutors say he pocketed over $100K from the operation. Federal authorities were aware of a leak but were only tipped off to Gowadia when they discovered his vanity license plate said "SHHHHH."

4. Letitia A. Long is now the first woman to head a major US intelligence agency after taking her post as chief at the National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency on Monday. Thus ends the long tradition of inaugurating chiefs with a paid female intern and a stripper pole made from redacted UFO documents.

5. Republicans in the House are pushing for a bill that will give them a tax-funded, two month recess after the midterm elections in order to stop Democrats from passing bills during the "lame duck" period. In future news, Rep. John Boehner returned to his duties after a two month vacation on the surface of the Sun.


High five.

Photo High Five #21

A Fairbanks, Alaska comic collector put his extremely rare Batman no.1 issue up for sale this week, and it's expected to fetch around $40,000 at auction. The man says he'll use the money to buy something for his girlfriend... who you haven't met... and lives up north... in the arctic circle.

Photo High Five #20

After six months of Congress playing host to corporate lobbyists, janitors begin their long, tedious, semiannual cleaning of the Congressional swimming pool.

BP = Badly Photoshopped

1. BP is the subject of even further controversy after it was discovered that a photo of their oil spill command center was heavily Photoshopped. The image went unnoticed for weeks until one web user noticed that BP CEO Tony Hayward was missing his C-section scar.

2. A Brooklyn couple is reportedly very upset with Chelsea Clinton now that the former first daughter is getting married on the same day, and withing five minutes of them, making arrangements very difficult. "Chelsea Clinton has taken what was supposed to be a special day for me turned it into hell," says bride-to-be Emn Haddad-Friedman. Haddad-Friedman say however that she has invited the Clintons to stop by... Bill has RSVP'd that he will.

3. There are reports now that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping around a reality TV show about their relationship. Networks said they would be interested in a pilot, but no long term commitments. To which Levi replied, "Perfect!"

4. Texas A&M announced that they will no longer supply the toilet paper in the dorms as a way of cutting costs to the school. Experts however wonder now what they'll use to clean up their own bullshit.

5. Thousands of documents released today by the website WikiLeaks, reportedly leaked by various military servicemen and women, have created even more doubts about the Afgan War. Wait... the war in Afghanistan is not going well, you say? Huh...

High five.

Jersey War

1. It's been reported that the cast of the Jersey Shore is on strike after allegedly being very dissatisfied with their recent contracts. The cast says they refuse to shoot any more scenes until they get a better deal. MTV finally caved today and granted them the free, unlimited VD tests they requested.

2. Keith Olbermann announced Friday that he will be taking a two week vacation in the wake of a feud with right wing pundit Tucker Carlson. Olbermann did not state whether the vacation was related to the feud but witnesses say Carlson Friday set a two week alarm on his Re-Douche-ination Stasis Chamber.

3. An episode of MTV's The Dudesons, about four friends who perform outrageous stunts, has been pulled from the network for its offensive nature toward Native American culture. Many music artists voiced concerns that their music may have backed some of this offensive video, but MTV assured them none of their programming is ever in danger of being involved with music.

4. On Monday, Rep. Michelle Bachmann announced that her request to form an official congressional Tea Party caucus has been approved by the Committee on House Administration. Bachmann says the caucus will stand for fiscal responsibility, adherence to the Constitution, and of course giving a voice to the other voices in a teabagger's head.

5. In an interview with People, Spencer Pratt said that he and his wife Heidi Montag split because he chose fame over her. "We love each other but I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it," said Pratt. Unfortunately for Pratt, his fame will someday expire, and most of Heidi's body never will.

High five.

A New Lohan

1. It was announced on Friday that famed OJ Simpson attorney Robert Shapiro will be representing Lindsay Lohan as she begins serving 90 days in jail on next week. Experts, however, frighten to imagine what "bloody" item Lohan will need to fit on her person sometime in the near future.

2. Tucker Carlson today continued his feud with MSNBC's Keith Olbermann calling Olbermann "sad" and claiming he is "despised at MSNBC." Carlson then shriveled back up into the foreskin where he lives.

3. Fox News Canada has hit a snag after being denied a "must carry" license by the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission. This means that Canadians will be able to choose whether or not they want the all news channel. News analysts however say that Canadians will likely opt in for the channel and be brainwashed by it so they don't appear "too mean."

4. Glenn Beck drew a large crowd in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah on Friday to sign copies of his new book "The Overton Window." People lined up for hours to get "Glenn Beck" scribbled on the inside covers, increasing the number of words in the book they actually knew to 2.

5. Republican senator David Vitter during a recent radio appearance made a joke about MSNBC's Rachel Maddow implying that doesn't look like a women. Once on the prostitution list of a DC Madam, Vitter's expertise in this field is vast, and there were far too many women for one of them not to have been mid-operation.

High five.

Unsafe Aural?

1. Researchers at the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs are reporting a new drug phenomenon whereby teens attain a high from "digital drugs," or MP3s that supposedly use "binaural, or two-toned, technology to alter brain waves and mental state." Officials worry this will lead them to experiment with more dangerous drugs like meth or heroin, as was the case with the latest Nickelback album.

2. On Thursday, President Obama applauded Congress's passing of a new financial regulation bill, what he calls the "strongest consumer financial protections in history." Experts say that it protects consumers by eliminating their money, thereby giving them nothing of value to be stolen.

3. Johnson & Johnson say they will revamp a Pennsylvania Tylenol plant, but will cut nearly 300 of the 400 workers employed there. Johnson says it's part of their latest plan to increase profits by also increasing headaches.

4. After over 80 days, BP has finally stopped the damaged Gulf oil well from flowing. The company says they're not celebrating yet as they wait and test the cap to make sure there are no unseen leaks. In future news, BP's surplus of oil well-plugging caps totaling in the millions was accidentally let loose in the Gulf today.

5. New research in HealthDay News shows that middle-aged women have another reason to keep excess weight off, as those extra pounds may add to memory loss. Diane Kerwin of Northwestern Univeristy says that "the type of fat that's deposited on the hips is more likely to release hormones that are detrimental to brain function." On the bright side, women won't remember just how fat they are.

High five.

Levi's Genes

1. Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin today announced that they have gotten engaged. The couple split in 2008 and Johnston went on to pose for Playgirl and had less than kind words for the Palins. The engaged couple and baby posed for the cover of US Weekly, and an embarrassing moment arose when Levi began undressing for it.

2. Scientists say that a rare species of dark purple jellyfish are appearing in the San Diego Bay and washing up on shore. Oceanographers would like to thank the Arizona state police for reporting the sighting.

3. On Tuesday the National League finally beat the American League in the annual MLB All-Star game after a 13 year drought. The National League today said they feel very confident that they will make it to the World Series.

4. Fox News contributor Andrew Napolitano said yesterday that he "absolutely" believes that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney "should have been indicted" for the incidents at Guantanamo Bay. Napolitano went on to wish his friends and family a happy and fruitful 2006.

5. Joey Votto of the Reds said after the All-Star game that he doesn't like anyone on the Cubs, and that he wouldn't pat anyone wearing a Cubs uniform on the back. Votto's comments, referring to Marlon Byrd who made a game-saving play in right field, drew criticism from some analysts. However, in Votto's defense, he does join the greater Universe in denying the Cubs all things.

High five.

Yank Caboodle Dandy

1. Legendary Yankee owner George Steinbrenner died today at the age of 80 after suffering a massive heart attack. Steinbrenner will now move onto Heaven where he'll resume torturing Billy Martin.

2. On Monday, BP successfully fastened a larger, tighter fitting cap on the leaking Gulf oil well, slowing the spill for now, and potentially stopping it altogether. During a press conference today, BP COO Doug Suttles said there was a good chance of success. Then his head popped off and blood shot out of his neck like water out of a severed fire hydrant.

3. In a recent interview with People, Kristin Cavallari says that her show The Hills isn't real. "I would never put my close friends or a real relationship on a show," says Cavallari. You mean the thousands of vapid, substance-void conversations on The Hills over coffee, expensive dining, and meaningless fashion parties isn't how real, normally adjusted people live? Oh, you do go on!

4. Following a less than stellar Consumer Reports test, PR experts say that a recall on the iPhone hardware is inevitable, citing the company's need to maintain it's relatively good image. Upon hearing news of a possible recall, iPhone users began lining up at Apple stores five years ago.

5. Sharon Angle, the Tea Party candidate hoping to unseat Nevada senator Harry Reid this November, says that God is behind her campaign. When reached for comment God said, "Well I'm everywhere, so technically I guess I'm behind her campaign. I'm also under it, in front of it, on top of it. Lotta options."

High five.

Roaming Polanski

1. A Swiss court announced Monday that it would not extradite director Roman Polanski to the U.S. on child rape charges dating back to 1977. The U.S. did not supply Switzerland with court documents it requested leading the Swiss court to drop the extradition process. U.S. authorities however say Polanski may come voluntarily when he realizes that the United States is still a very young nation.

2. Former Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean was married last week. Prejean created a controversy during the Miss USA pageant when she said marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Meanwhile, in a perfect world, it was discovered that Carrie Prejean's new husband has a detachable penis.

3. During the senate confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nomination Elena Kagan, Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar asked Kagan which of the Twilight hunks she preferred, the vampire Edward or the werewolf Jacob. The question got a laugh from the gallery, at which point Klobuchar emotionally ran off, wearing an Edward tee shirt and fake fangs.

4. An L.A. times poll shows that 12% of those responding believe the latest Twilight film will not only be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, it will win. In other news, basic comprehension skills testing has been dropped from U.S. public school curriculum.

5. A drag racer in Seattle died on Sunday when his automobile's parachute came off mid-run causing him to crash. Perhaps strapping yourself into the thinly padded metal cockpit of a vehicle built only for travel in upwards of 300MPH isn't the "five star Consumer Reports" idea we thought it was.

High five.