1. A group of Texas cheerleaders is in trouble after reportedly putting urine into a teammate's drink. Many of the girls responsible have been suspended by the school but all have been offered photo shoots by Hustler.
2. David Cross told TV.com recently that a movie version of the hit show Arrested Development "is not going to happen" and that too much time has gone by since the show's cancellation. "It's been years," says Cross. "Micheal Cera is 32 years old now." Experts agree that Cera can really only play the soft-spoken, but awkwardly rambling teenager for about 15 more years.
3. According to a recent Ipsos poll, 20% of people believe that aliens exist and that they walk among us disguised as humans. In future news, the Sarah Palin/Michelle Bachmann ticket did not succeed in winning the presidency today, but did manage to garner 20% of the vote.
4. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens announced his retirement on Friday, paving the way for President Obama to appoint a new judge in his place. Experts are not sure if Obama will nominate a more liberal judge as with the most recent Justice Sotomayor, or perhaps match the skill level of conservative Justice Samuel Alito with urine-soaked poop on a stick.
5. A solar-powered plane in Switzerland made a successful maiden flight on Wednesday, climbing nearly a mile into the sky at 28mph for 90 minutes. The plane is scheduled to attempt a round-the-world flight in 2012 without a single drop of fuel. That, say engineers, should allow them to reach the ultimate goal of using renewable energy to circumnavigate the Earth with a crying baby.
High five.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Nu, Clear-Headed Radioactivist
1. President Obama and former Alaska governor Sarah Palin have been sniping this week over the recent nuclear treaty with Russia. Obama called Palin "not much of an expert" after Palin said Obama was weak on nuclear defense. Palin then mocked the President, joking about "all the vast nuclear experience that he acquired as a community organizer." President Obama read Palin's comment this morning, sighed, then heated his coffee using the superpower he acquired during the tragic community organizer nuclear waste accident of 2002.
2. MTV announced Thursday that their hit show Jersey Shore will film the remainder of the second season in New Jersey after beginning initially in Miami. The state has prepared for their arrival by constructing an extra condom factory.
3. According to Forbes, Glenn Beck earned $32 million in 2009, thanks to books, radio, and speaking engagements. "We're an entertainment company," said Beck. "I could give a flying crap about the political process." ... Oh, I'm sorry, I just agreed with Glenn Beck and my head sunk into my chest cavity then exploded.
4. Reporter John Stossel said in an interview recently that his trademark mustache changed his life. "I had always looked younger," said Stossel. "When I was 21 I looked like a teenager... it sucked." But most importantly, says Stossel, the facial hair allowed him to keep his world's largest collection of "Free Mustache Rides" apparel.
5. On Thursday at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most radical president in American history." Newt Gingrich then shook hands with the crowd to the song "Eye Of The Tiger," a song remembered because of Rocky, originally a film about a white guy who loses to a black guy. Good luck, Mr. Gingrich.
High five.
2. MTV announced Thursday that their hit show Jersey Shore will film the remainder of the second season in New Jersey after beginning initially in Miami. The state has prepared for their arrival by constructing an extra condom factory.
3. According to Forbes, Glenn Beck earned $32 million in 2009, thanks to books, radio, and speaking engagements. "We're an entertainment company," said Beck. "I could give a flying crap about the political process." ... Oh, I'm sorry, I just agreed with Glenn Beck and my head sunk into my chest cavity then exploded.
4. Reporter John Stossel said in an interview recently that his trademark mustache changed his life. "I had always looked younger," said Stossel. "When I was 21 I looked like a teenager... it sucked." But most importantly, says Stossel, the facial hair allowed him to keep his world's largest collection of "Free Mustache Rides" apparel.
5. On Thursday at the Southern Republican Leadership Conference, Newt Gingrich called President Obama "the most radical president in American history." Newt Gingrich then shook hands with the crowd to the song "Eye Of The Tiger," a song remembered because of Rocky, originally a film about a white guy who loses to a black guy. Good luck, Mr. Gingrich.
High five.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
A Little Too-yota
1. New emails by top Toyota officials from back in January reveal that there was an intentional cover-up regarding acceleration and braking issues. According to the AP, a US executive with the company said in an internal email that Toyota needs to "come clean" about various vehicle issues. The Toyota executive says he never meant to send the email, but it started sending automatically and he couldn't stop it.
2. A northern California man was arrested on Wednesday for making over a dozen threatening phone calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi over health care reform and officials say the man actually spoke with Pelosi at least once. The FBI says Pelosi didn't help when she replied to his first threat with "Nuh-uh, you're stupid!" and hung up.
3. Opposition leaders have reportedly taken control of the country Kyrgyzstan in a violent coup, including state TV stations and many government buildings. Americans say they will do all they can to assist the Kyrgyz people, just as soon as they get more "real" vowels.
4. The Candies Foundation has released a PSA starring Bristol Palin which warns teens about the downsides of getting pregnant. Daughter of former VP candidate Sarah Palin, Bristol made headlines when she became an unwed teen mother during the 2008 presidential campaign and later gave birth to her son Tripp. In future news, a teenage Tripp Palin released a PSA today, warning teens about the dangers of being born to the Palins.
5. A Dutch company called Printer.com says that changing the font on your documents could end up saving you money over the course of the year since some fonts use less ink than others. The company convinced the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay to make the switch to the more ink-friendly font Century Gothic which the school says could save them up to $10,000. The company says most schools could save by switching but they warn not to follow Mississippi's example and switching to "Webdings."
High five.
2. A northern California man was arrested on Wednesday for making over a dozen threatening phone calls to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi over health care reform and officials say the man actually spoke with Pelosi at least once. The FBI says Pelosi didn't help when she replied to his first threat with "Nuh-uh, you're stupid!" and hung up.
3. Opposition leaders have reportedly taken control of the country Kyrgyzstan in a violent coup, including state TV stations and many government buildings. Americans say they will do all they can to assist the Kyrgyz people, just as soon as they get more "real" vowels.
4. The Candies Foundation has released a PSA starring Bristol Palin which warns teens about the downsides of getting pregnant. Daughter of former VP candidate Sarah Palin, Bristol made headlines when she became an unwed teen mother during the 2008 presidential campaign and later gave birth to her son Tripp. In future news, a teenage Tripp Palin released a PSA today, warning teens about the dangers of being born to the Palins.
5. A Dutch company called Printer.com says that changing the font on your documents could end up saving you money over the course of the year since some fonts use less ink than others. The company convinced the University of Wisconsin-Green Bay to make the switch to the more ink-friendly font Century Gothic which the school says could save them up to $10,000. The company says most schools could save by switching but they warn not to follow Mississippi's example and switching to "Webdings."
High five.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Midterminal
1. On Tuesday, Rep. Chris Van Hollen (D-MD) told reporters the GOP should put a cork in all the rhetoric about a repeat of the 1994 midterm elections, when Democrats suffered huge losses. "I think our Republican colleagues are prematurely measuring the curtains in their new offices and prematurely popping the champagne bottles," said Van Hollen. Today, a Washington bondage club said "putting a cork in it" won't scare the GOP since they're "into that sorta thing."
2. Wilma Mankiller, the first woman to ever hold the position of Chief in the Cherokee tribe died on Tuesday at the age of 64. She was survived by no men.
3. While appearing on Oprah Tuesday, Tina Fey turned the tables by asking Oprah a hard hitting question. "What is going on with you and Jamie Foxx?" asked Fey, regarding a recent appearance by Foxx. "Because I feel like he might be in love with you." Oprah said she was caught off guard but impressed by Fey's question. Oprah then tore Fey's head clean off.
4. Republican Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell announced that April will be "Confederate History Month." Gov. McDonnell will hold a celebration later in the month featuring appearances by Harlem Globetrotter rivals the Washington Generals, event sponsor Kleenex, and music by a single violin.
5. As a special thank you for treating his wife's cancer, golfer Phil Mickelson brought Dr. Tom Buchholz on as a caddy at the Shell Houston Open. "This man has helped us through some of the toughest times that we've gone through," said Mickelson. As a special treat for helping him through tough times, Tiger Woods has apparently brought along to the Masters the retail staff of Boner's Adult Video Store in his hometown of Windermere, FL.
High five.
2. Wilma Mankiller, the first woman to ever hold the position of Chief in the Cherokee tribe died on Tuesday at the age of 64. She was survived by no men.
3. While appearing on Oprah Tuesday, Tina Fey turned the tables by asking Oprah a hard hitting question. "What is going on with you and Jamie Foxx?" asked Fey, regarding a recent appearance by Foxx. "Because I feel like he might be in love with you." Oprah said she was caught off guard but impressed by Fey's question. Oprah then tore Fey's head clean off.
4. Republican Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell announced that April will be "Confederate History Month." Gov. McDonnell will hold a celebration later in the month featuring appearances by Harlem Globetrotter rivals the Washington Generals, event sponsor Kleenex, and music by a single violin.
5. As a special thank you for treating his wife's cancer, golfer Phil Mickelson brought Dr. Tom Buchholz on as a caddy at the Shell Houston Open. "This man has helped us through some of the toughest times that we've gone through," said Mickelson. As a special treat for helping him through tough times, Tiger Woods has apparently brought along to the Masters the retail staff of Boner's Adult Video Store in his hometown of Windermere, FL.
High five.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Top Shun
1. In a recent Newsweek interview, Arizona Sen. John McCain says he's never considered himself a maverick. "I consider myself a person who serves the people of Arizona to the best of his abilities," said McCain. McCain later clacked his dentures at a Tucson crowd and announced he's more of an "Iceman."
2. On Sunday, New York Catholic Archbishop Timothy Dolan addressed the sexual abuse scandal saying, "Nobody nowhere has confronted this crisis... better than the Catholic Church." Read all about it in this month's issue of Awkward Double Negative Usage Magazine.
3. A Vanderbilt college pitcher suffered a horrific injury this weekend against Florida when a line drive ricocheted off his knee cap, splitting it in two. The left-handed pitcher somehow managed to make an amazing defensive play despite the injury. Today in the ER, the Chicago Cubs signed the pitcher to a lucrative multi-year deal.
4. A report released by Facebook shows that of the 400 million people who make up the social network only 30% live within the US. Today the United States tried capitalizing on the report by creating the Facebook group "If This Page Gets One Million Fans, The US Will Rename Its Constitution Skeletor."
5. On Saturday, about two dozen women marched topless in Portland, Maine to promote equality among the sexes. "A topless woman out in public shouldn't attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt," said the groups organizer. And the 500 male supporters who had gathered around them enthusiastically agreed.
High five.
2. On Sunday, New York Catholic Archbishop Timothy Dolan addressed the sexual abuse scandal saying, "Nobody nowhere has confronted this crisis... better than the Catholic Church." Read all about it in this month's issue of Awkward Double Negative Usage Magazine.
3. A Vanderbilt college pitcher suffered a horrific injury this weekend against Florida when a line drive ricocheted off his knee cap, splitting it in two. The left-handed pitcher somehow managed to make an amazing defensive play despite the injury. Today in the ER, the Chicago Cubs signed the pitcher to a lucrative multi-year deal.
4. A report released by Facebook shows that of the 400 million people who make up the social network only 30% live within the US. Today the United States tried capitalizing on the report by creating the Facebook group "If This Page Gets One Million Fans, The US Will Rename Its Constitution Skeletor."
5. On Saturday, about two dozen women marched topless in Portland, Maine to promote equality among the sexes. "A topless woman out in public shouldn't attract any more attention than a man who walks around without a shirt," said the groups organizer. And the 500 male supporters who had gathered around them enthusiastically agreed.
High five.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Busy Few Weeks
It's been a busy few weeks, so, like the ugly girl in the brothel, there haven't been a lot of entries -- even though both you and her are probably better off for it. Okay, I'll stop.
Five Jokes will return Monday in full force.
Five Jokes will return Monday in full force.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Van Der Bleak
1. On Monday, James Van Der Beek and his ex-wife settled their divorce after a seven year marriage. Van Der Beek has been ordered to pay his ex-wife $7, 750 monthly in spousal support until 2012. Still no word on the reason for the split, but sources say she grew tired of his "rowboat in the middle of a lake" fantasy.
2. LL Cool J criticized Sarah Palin's new show Real American Stories for plans to use an old interview with him from 2008. "Fox lifted an old interview I gave ... & are misrepresenting to the public in order to promote Sarah Palins Show," the former rapper tweeted Tuesday. However, in Fox's defense, the old 2008 interview is also his newest.
3. Scientists say the Geneva Large Hadron Collider will help us see "the beginning" of the Universe, and early tests have been promising. There was however an awkward moment when the device allowed scientists to view God prior to the Big Bang -- God quickly reached for a towel to cover himself and slammed his bathroom door.
4. A Pew Hispanic Center Survey being released Thursday says that 9 in 10 Hispanics plan to fill out the 2010 Census, despite rumors nationwide that people are foregoing the process because of anti-government sentiment. According to statistics, Hispanics, who makes up 15% of the nation's population, historically tend not to participate in censuses. Hispanic leaders though say this time around they're going to focus their organization efforts by piling all the finished forms into a big truck.
5. Earlier this month the RNC sent out a fundraising mailer that mistakenly listed a phone sex number that led callers to a "nasty girl who will do anything you want." RNC officials apologized and said they aren't sure how Mark Foley's number got on the mailer.
High five.
2. LL Cool J criticized Sarah Palin's new show Real American Stories for plans to use an old interview with him from 2008. "Fox lifted an old interview I gave ... & are misrepresenting to the public in order to promote Sarah Palins Show," the former rapper tweeted Tuesday. However, in Fox's defense, the old 2008 interview is also his newest.
3. Scientists say the Geneva Large Hadron Collider will help us see "the beginning" of the Universe, and early tests have been promising. There was however an awkward moment when the device allowed scientists to view God prior to the Big Bang -- God quickly reached for a towel to cover himself and slammed his bathroom door.
4. A Pew Hispanic Center Survey being released Thursday says that 9 in 10 Hispanics plan to fill out the 2010 Census, despite rumors nationwide that people are foregoing the process because of anti-government sentiment. According to statistics, Hispanics, who makes up 15% of the nation's population, historically tend not to participate in censuses. Hispanic leaders though say this time around they're going to focus their organization efforts by piling all the finished forms into a big truck.
5. Earlier this month the RNC sent out a fundraising mailer that mistakenly listed a phone sex number that led callers to a "nasty girl who will do anything you want." RNC officials apologized and said they aren't sure how Mark Foley's number got on the mailer.
High five.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
What Would Jesus Shoot?
1. This weekend, federal authorities arrested 8 members of a Michigan Christian militia they had been monitoring after learning of an "imminent threat against police." Members had reportedly been undergoing paramilitary training, as well as learning how to shoot guns and construct explosive devices. Just like Jesus!
2. On Thursday, Sarah Palin's new show "Real American Stories" will debut on Fox News. This will be a radical change from standard programming, say Fox News heads. "We're excited to try real."
3. Filling in for Glenn Beck on his radio program recently, Doc Thompson criticized the new tanning salon tax in the health care bill, calling it racist against whites since only light skinned people go tanning. So white people who go tanning to become darker skinned are complaining that they are the subject of racism? Welcome to the world of the darker skinned!
4. US auto regulators said on Tuesday that it has asked the help of engineers at NASA to assist in the recent safety issues of Toyota cars. NASA responded, saying they are obliged to help in anyway they can. Toyota President Akio Toyoda is scheduled to be shot into space early Wednesday.
5. A new website called Cool Conservative has started a line of clothing made specifically for people with conservative ideals. The line of hats, shirts and mugs display conservative messages such as "I'm a fiscal conservative." Site founders say the gear is made in the "Good Ol' USA" -- their largest and most patriotic factory in China.
High five.
2. On Thursday, Sarah Palin's new show "Real American Stories" will debut on Fox News. This will be a radical change from standard programming, say Fox News heads. "We're excited to try real."
3. Filling in for Glenn Beck on his radio program recently, Doc Thompson criticized the new tanning salon tax in the health care bill, calling it racist against whites since only light skinned people go tanning. So white people who go tanning to become darker skinned are complaining that they are the subject of racism? Welcome to the world of the darker skinned!
4. US auto regulators said on Tuesday that it has asked the help of engineers at NASA to assist in the recent safety issues of Toyota cars. NASA responded, saying they are obliged to help in anyway they can. Toyota President Akio Toyoda is scheduled to be shot into space early Wednesday.
5. A new website called Cool Conservative has started a line of clothing made specifically for people with conservative ideals. The line of hats, shirts and mugs display conservative messages such as "I'm a fiscal conservative." Site founders say the gear is made in the "Good Ol' USA" -- their largest and most patriotic factory in China.
High five.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Spring Spraining
1. Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee reportedly suffered a minor back injury after a chair collapsed on him while eating. Experts agree the organization is shaping up to the best Cubs team in decades.
2. It was announced on Tuesday that Jersey Shore cast members Jenni "Jwoww" Farley and Ronnie Ortiz-Magrowill be writing a book called Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore. The book, due out in July, will "explain how to balance work, love, and partying, while properly taking care of hair, nails, and skin." The book is being written with the help of Marc Shaprio and Hooked On Phonics.
3. On April 1st, the University of Puget Sound will be holding its annual Edible Books Festival. The festival is a display of works of edible art based on works of literature. So now you'll have the chance to crap out a James Patterson novel probably in much the same way he does.
4. AT&T said today that because of the new health care law they will need to take a $1 billion charge and may need to reduce health benefits to their current and past employees. AT&T actually discovered this information days ago but finally got a signal and called the press.
5. A new poll released by Harris Interactive shows that 29% of Republicans believe President Obama wants to "turn over the sovereignty of the United States to a one world government," 20% say he's "doing many of the same things Hitler did," and 24% say he "may be the anti-Christ." In other news, reading died today, at the age of 10,000.
High five.
2. It was announced on Tuesday that Jersey Shore cast members Jenni "Jwoww" Farley and Ronnie Ortiz-Magrowill be writing a book called Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore. The book, due out in July, will "explain how to balance work, love, and partying, while properly taking care of hair, nails, and skin." The book is being written with the help of Marc Shaprio and Hooked On Phonics.
3. On April 1st, the University of Puget Sound will be holding its annual Edible Books Festival. The festival is a display of works of edible art based on works of literature. So now you'll have the chance to crap out a James Patterson novel probably in much the same way he does.
4. AT&T said today that because of the new health care law they will need to take a $1 billion charge and may need to reduce health benefits to their current and past employees. AT&T actually discovered this information days ago but finally got a signal and called the press.
5. A new poll released by Harris Interactive shows that 29% of Republicans believe President Obama wants to "turn over the sovereignty of the United States to a one world government," 20% say he's "doing many of the same things Hitler did," and 24% say he "may be the anti-Christ." In other news, reading died today, at the age of 10,000.
High five.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
3-Trini-D
1. In an effort to lure younger viewers a national Catholic television channel has debuted a variety of 3-D programming. "It's a way for us to show that we believe the message we have is relevant," says CatholicTV director Reverend Robert Reed. In future news, CatholicTV 3-D programming was scrapped today after it was discovered younger audiences have a natural fear of reverends coming towards them.
2. In an attempt to derail the Health Care Reform legislation, GOP senators have been proposing amendments they hope will make it tough for Democrats to vote no on. These include an amendment to prohibit the coverage of Viagra for child molesters and rapist and another prohibiting funding to the activist group ACORN. But maybe the trickiest is from Senator Chuck Grassly from Iowa, whose amendment proposes that "Whoever votes for the Health Care Reform bill also enjoys the eating of farts, poop, and potentially boogers."
3. Members of the GOP are invoking an obscure Senate rule that will halt all hearing after 2pm in protest of Democrats use of reconciliation to pass health care reform. "There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year," said Sen. John McCain. Democrats were of course disappointed, but say they're used to not seeing John McCain after his 2pm bedtime.
4. In a video released today of their first week in Haiti, former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush shake hands with local Haitians. In one peculiar moment, Bush appears to shake hands with a local and then wipe his hand off on Clinton's shirt. However, experts say the more likely explanation is that Bush is simply comfortable with Clinton... and that Clinton's sexual prowess continues to know no bounds.
5. The father who hoaxed authorities and the nation into believing his son had accidentally taken off in a balloon floating high above Colorado was released from prison today. After a 90 day sentence, Richard Heene, his wife and kids, left the police station in the family car... or did they really? DUM DUM DUM!
High five.
2. In an attempt to derail the Health Care Reform legislation, GOP senators have been proposing amendments they hope will make it tough for Democrats to vote no on. These include an amendment to prohibit the coverage of Viagra for child molesters and rapist and another prohibiting funding to the activist group ACORN. But maybe the trickiest is from Senator Chuck Grassly from Iowa, whose amendment proposes that "Whoever votes for the Health Care Reform bill also enjoys the eating of farts, poop, and potentially boogers."
3. Members of the GOP are invoking an obscure Senate rule that will halt all hearing after 2pm in protest of Democrats use of reconciliation to pass health care reform. "There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year," said Sen. John McCain. Democrats were of course disappointed, but say they're used to not seeing John McCain after his 2pm bedtime.
4. In a video released today of their first week in Haiti, former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush shake hands with local Haitians. In one peculiar moment, Bush appears to shake hands with a local and then wipe his hand off on Clinton's shirt. However, experts say the more likely explanation is that Bush is simply comfortable with Clinton... and that Clinton's sexual prowess continues to know no bounds.
5. The father who hoaxed authorities and the nation into believing his son had accidentally taken off in a balloon floating high above Colorado was released from prison today. After a 90 day sentence, Richard Heene, his wife and kids, left the police station in the family car... or did they really? DUM DUM DUM!
High five.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
3G-Spot Technology
1. A girl in the UK was shocked last week after the phone she had taken in to be repaired was returned to her filled with pornography. The 18 year old said her phone contained images of girls in their undies and "a host of ten-minute long porn films." And, of course, as any good porn critic knows, you really need to see the entire 10 minutes to get a sense if it's really "pornography."
2. Today, during a historic signing of health care legislation, VP Joe Biden while talking quietly to President Obama dropped the f-bomb, saying, "This is a big fucking deal." However, Americans agree this is a refreshing change from Dick Cheney's weekly rose garden event when groups of strangers were brought in for him to tell to "Fuck off."
3. A recent study by Cornell University shows that in over 50 versions of the painting The Last Supper, done over the course of 1,000 years, food portion size within the work has increased about 69%. Art historians say this subject matter, specifically, shows the various cultural changes in humanity, the most recent being a Last Supper depicting Jesus and his apostles at a table judging a ballroom style dance contest.
4. On Wednesday, the California Secretary of State will be adding a measure to the November elections that could potentially legalize marijuana in the state. Experts say it's not likely to pass however, since the passage depends almost entirely on the voter turnout of pot smokers.
5. After the historic passage of the Health Care Reform bill, Democratic congressional members are reporting numerous threats and even incidents of violence against them. In Rochester, a brick was tossed through the window of the county Democratic Party office. Unfortunately for the vigilante, thanks to the recent Health Care Reform, all bricks now contain healing powers.
High five.
2. Today, during a historic signing of health care legislation, VP Joe Biden while talking quietly to President Obama dropped the f-bomb, saying, "This is a big fucking deal." However, Americans agree this is a refreshing change from Dick Cheney's weekly rose garden event when groups of strangers were brought in for him to tell to "Fuck off."
3. A recent study by Cornell University shows that in over 50 versions of the painting The Last Supper, done over the course of 1,000 years, food portion size within the work has increased about 69%. Art historians say this subject matter, specifically, shows the various cultural changes in humanity, the most recent being a Last Supper depicting Jesus and his apostles at a table judging a ballroom style dance contest.
4. On Wednesday, the California Secretary of State will be adding a measure to the November elections that could potentially legalize marijuana in the state. Experts say it's not likely to pass however, since the passage depends almost entirely on the voter turnout of pot smokers.
5. After the historic passage of the Health Care Reform bill, Democratic congressional members are reporting numerous threats and even incidents of violence against them. In Rochester, a brick was tossed through the window of the county Democratic Party office. Unfortunately for the vigilante, thanks to the recent Health Care Reform, all bricks now contain healing powers.
High five.
Monday, March 22, 2010
A Tea To Disagree
1. While entering the Capitol this weekend, a few Democratic legislators were the target of racial and homophobic epithets yelled by some Tea Party protesters. Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO) says he was actually spit on by protesters as he went to vote. Cleaver adds that it wouldn't have been so bad if the Tea Party protester hadn't just drank his own urine from his protective tin foil hat.
2. On Thursday, actress Katherine Heigl was accepting the Female Star of the Year award when the strap of her dress came undone almost exposing her breast. Fortunately for Heigl, host Billy Bush was there to catch the strap and save Heigl any embarrassment. And suddenly it becomes clear as to why his name isn't Billy Penis.
3. Fox News' Sean Hannity is being accused of scamming donors through his Freedom Alliance charity. Critics say that less than 4% of the charity's proceeds go to its targets, children of killed soldiers and wounded veterans. Hannity, author of Let Freedom Ring, Freedom Times Infinity +1 and Damn, Check Out The Set On Freedom -- So Effing Hot, could not be reached for comment at his regular Free-mail address or any other of his listed modes of Freedommunication. However, one of Hannity's signature Press Free-leases is expected shortly.
4. Just a day after a historic health care bill passed through Congress, ten states have announced a collective lawsuit against the federal government's new health care legislation. Alabama, Florida, Nebraska, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah and Washington have promised to defend their states "from further infringement by the federal government." In a ceremony today, attorney generals from the ten states signed a pact denouncing the bill, except for Alabama who merely smushed his hand on an ink pad and smeared it across the document in the vague shape of a hand print.
5. The University of Ottawa on Friday forewarned conservative pundit Ann Coulter about the limits of free speech in the country prior to her speaking engagement at the school this week. "Promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges," said the University's Vice President Francois Houle. Not wanting to seem unwelcoming, however, Houle added, "We of course have set aside special reserved parking for your broomstick."
High five.
2. On Thursday, actress Katherine Heigl was accepting the Female Star of the Year award when the strap of her dress came undone almost exposing her breast. Fortunately for Heigl, host Billy Bush was there to catch the strap and save Heigl any embarrassment. And suddenly it becomes clear as to why his name isn't Billy Penis.
3. Fox News' Sean Hannity is being accused of scamming donors through his Freedom Alliance charity. Critics say that less than 4% of the charity's proceeds go to its targets, children of killed soldiers and wounded veterans. Hannity, author of Let Freedom Ring, Freedom Times Infinity +1 and Damn, Check Out The Set On Freedom -- So Effing Hot, could not be reached for comment at his regular Free-mail address or any other of his listed modes of Freedommunication. However, one of Hannity's signature Press Free-leases is expected shortly.
4. Just a day after a historic health care bill passed through Congress, ten states have announced a collective lawsuit against the federal government's new health care legislation. Alabama, Florida, Nebraska, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah and Washington have promised to defend their states "from further infringement by the federal government." In a ceremony today, attorney generals from the ten states signed a pact denouncing the bill, except for Alabama who merely smushed his hand on an ink pad and smeared it across the document in the vague shape of a hand print.
5. The University of Ottawa on Friday forewarned conservative pundit Ann Coulter about the limits of free speech in the country prior to her speaking engagement at the school this week. "Promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges," said the University's Vice President Francois Houle. Not wanting to seem unwelcoming, however, Houle added, "We of course have set aside special reserved parking for your broomstick."
High five.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
It's Not A Choi
1. Lt. Dan Choi handcuffed himself to a fence outside the White House Thursday while protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the rule under which he was discharged from military service after revealing he was gay. Choi had a large gathering of fellow protesters supporting him, until it was discovered the handcuffs were not actually part of the protest.
2. On Glenn Beck's radio program Thursday, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) joined Beck in denouncing the possibility of a health care bill vote on Sunday, calling it "an affront to God." But today God released a statement in support of health care reform after his HMO dropped him for being a pre-existing condition.
3. Orly Taitz, leader of the birther movement as well as a "dentist/lawyer," has reportedly qualified as a candidate for California Secretary of State. Experts agree that her credentials won't help her much, but add that if you're going to be only half a dentist, you're probably also going to need to be at least half a lawyer.
4. A New Jersey Wal-Mart is under fire this week after an unidentified person made a racist remark over the loudspeaker, shocking customers who then understandably left the store in disgust. Authorities checked surveillance footage but say they haven't determined if the culprit was a Wal-Mart employee or customer, as the uniforms are identical.
5. Researchers at Germany's Karlsruhe Institute of Technology announced in the journal Science Thursday that they have successfully cloaked a tiny bump in a layer of gold, "preventing its detection." The scientists say that cloaking larger items is not yet feasible, but that they're still hopeful to reach their ultimate goal of cloaking German history from 1939-1945.
High five.
2. On Glenn Beck's radio program Thursday, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) joined Beck in denouncing the possibility of a health care bill vote on Sunday, calling it "an affront to God." But today God released a statement in support of health care reform after his HMO dropped him for being a pre-existing condition.
3. Orly Taitz, leader of the birther movement as well as a "dentist/lawyer," has reportedly qualified as a candidate for California Secretary of State. Experts agree that her credentials won't help her much, but add that if you're going to be only half a dentist, you're probably also going to need to be at least half a lawyer.
4. A New Jersey Wal-Mart is under fire this week after an unidentified person made a racist remark over the loudspeaker, shocking customers who then understandably left the store in disgust. Authorities checked surveillance footage but say they haven't determined if the culprit was a Wal-Mart employee or customer, as the uniforms are identical.
5. Researchers at Germany's Karlsruhe Institute of Technology announced in the journal Science Thursday that they have successfully cloaked a tiny bump in a layer of gold, "preventing its detection." The scientists say that cloaking larger items is not yet feasible, but that they're still hopeful to reach their ultimate goal of cloaking German history from 1939-1945.
High five.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
No Carbo-Nation
1. Pepsi announced today that they will eliminate their full calorie, sugary drinks from all schools worldwide by 2012. Students everywhere agreed with the decision saying that while they enjoy Pepsi, it causes them to crash later on in the day. Well, that and all the sex with teachers.
2. Donna Simpson, a New Jersey woman who currently weighs 600 pounds, says she wants to reach 1,000 pounds to become the world's fattest woman. Simpson consumes 12,000 calories a day and wears XXXXXXXL size dresses. In a future related story, Donna Simpson and her flowery dress were rolled out onto the field Saturday as the Yankee's opening day game was canceled due to rain.
3. It was announced Tuesday that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Bret Baier Wednesday in an effort to sway some opinions in a favor of his health care reform. The terms of the interview include a neutral interview location, a non-polarizing interviewer, and one extra, batshit-insane Glenn Back incident.
4. In the latest GQ Shia LeBeouf says that his girlfriend and co-star Carey Mulligan is the most talented actress he's ever met. LeBeouf continued further out onto the limb to say that Adolf Hitler was a bad guy, Ernest Hemingway was a great writer, and the idea of world peace is something he could probably get behind.
5. In a recent interview Jennifer Love Hewitt said she doesn't like being single. "Some people get excited about being single. I don't," said the 31 year old actress. Read all about it in this month's edition of Easily Solvable Problems Magazine.
High five.
2. Donna Simpson, a New Jersey woman who currently weighs 600 pounds, says she wants to reach 1,000 pounds to become the world's fattest woman. Simpson consumes 12,000 calories a day and wears XXXXXXXL size dresses. In a future related story, Donna Simpson and her flowery dress were rolled out onto the field Saturday as the Yankee's opening day game was canceled due to rain.
3. It was announced Tuesday that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Bret Baier Wednesday in an effort to sway some opinions in a favor of his health care reform. The terms of the interview include a neutral interview location, a non-polarizing interviewer, and one extra, batshit-insane Glenn Back incident.
4. In the latest GQ Shia LeBeouf says that his girlfriend and co-star Carey Mulligan is the most talented actress he's ever met. LeBeouf continued further out onto the limb to say that Adolf Hitler was a bad guy, Ernest Hemingway was a great writer, and the idea of world peace is something he could probably get behind.
5. In a recent interview Jennifer Love Hewitt said she doesn't like being single. "Some people get excited about being single. I don't," said the 31 year old actress. Read all about it in this month's edition of Easily Solvable Problems Magazine.
High five.
Photo High Five #13
Iggy Pop performs during the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony Monday when his skin sees an opportune chance and finally makes a break for it.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Gobbledy-book
1. In his new book Courage and Consequence, Karl Rove defends the practice of waterboarding as a useful way to obtain information. Rove goes on to say that every suspect was inspected by a doctor to determine if he was safe and healthy. "Yes, I believe you know Dr. Mengele!"
2. A union in Amsterdam which represents Dutch nurses is saying no to patients who believe sexual services should be part of the standard care. The campaign began after a 24 year old nurse complained of a 42 year old disabled man asking her to provide sexual services that other nurses had actually performed. I guess massive, gigantor balls could become somewhat of a disability.
3. Monday on The View, Jessica Simpson discussed ex John Mayer's revealing Playboy interview about their sex life saying that now she feels like "more men are undressing [her] with their eyes." Jessica, Jessica... is it possible to have more than all?
4. President Obama traveled to Ohio on Monday with Rep. Dennis Kucinich to deliver a health care reform speech and urge lawmakers like Kucinich to pass the current measure. Kucinich had previously been opposed to the current legislation, but after the speech said he would take a closer look at the health care bill. Kucinich then fled up into his tree to finish making cookies.
5. Anna Arrowsmith, a female British porn director of over 300 adult films, is set to run for Parliament in the coming weeks as a Liberal Democrat. Arrowsmith was a reportedly a last minute selection after a previous candidate had dropped out. In future news, just weeks after being elected, Anna Arrowsmith has resigned from politics and the Parliament saying that no one should have to be exposed to this much gang-banging.
High five.
2. A union in Amsterdam which represents Dutch nurses is saying no to patients who believe sexual services should be part of the standard care. The campaign began after a 24 year old nurse complained of a 42 year old disabled man asking her to provide sexual services that other nurses had actually performed. I guess massive, gigantor balls could become somewhat of a disability.
3. Monday on The View, Jessica Simpson discussed ex John Mayer's revealing Playboy interview about their sex life saying that now she feels like "more men are undressing [her] with their eyes." Jessica, Jessica... is it possible to have more than all?
4. President Obama traveled to Ohio on Monday with Rep. Dennis Kucinich to deliver a health care reform speech and urge lawmakers like Kucinich to pass the current measure. Kucinich had previously been opposed to the current legislation, but after the speech said he would take a closer look at the health care bill. Kucinich then fled up into his tree to finish making cookies.
5. Anna Arrowsmith, a female British porn director of over 300 adult films, is set to run for Parliament in the coming weeks as a Liberal Democrat. Arrowsmith was a reportedly a last minute selection after a previous candidate had dropped out. In future news, just weeks after being elected, Anna Arrowsmith has resigned from politics and the Parliament saying that no one should have to be exposed to this much gang-banging.
High five.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Photo High Five #12
Vice President Joe Biden tells Palestinian Prime Minister Salam Fayyad that though the office of Vice President gives him little power, it does give him the power to create powerful electromagnetic fields.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Miss & Miss Issippi
1. A Mississippi school is being sued by the ACLU after they decided to cancel the prom rather than let a lesbian couple attend. "All I wanted was the same chance to enjoy my prom night like any other student," said 18 year old Constance McMillen. Officials at Itawamba High School said they have no problem with lesbians, they'd just rather not have to clean up after their slimy arthropod exoskeletons or mucus releasing tentacles.
2. A Moscow police chief is apologizing after Russian police ordered innocent motorists to act as human shields to stop a robbery getaway car last week. But Russian citizens collectively cheered having finally been promoted to "human."
3. Michelle Bachman's re-election campaign announced Thursday that Sarah Palin will make an appearance at a fundraiser for Rep. Bachman in April at the Minneapolis Hilton Hotel. NASA said today that the Hubble telescope is already pointed there for the amazing opportunity to catch the never-before-seen spectacle of two black holes colliding.
4. On Thursday, Conan O'Brien announced a 30-city tour called the "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour" which would start April 12th. O'Brien will also make a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival this summer and serve as emcee on the main music stage. In other news, NBC negotiators were miraculously able to retain Chuck for a 4th season.
5. A surprising NPD Group report shows that in February video game sales fell 15% despite the release of major game titles. Gamers, however, expect the numbers to climb again as across the country millions of them emerged from a yearly, month-long shower and returned to their living rooms to unpause Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.
High five.
2. A Moscow police chief is apologizing after Russian police ordered innocent motorists to act as human shields to stop a robbery getaway car last week. But Russian citizens collectively cheered having finally been promoted to "human."
3. Michelle Bachman's re-election campaign announced Thursday that Sarah Palin will make an appearance at a fundraiser for Rep. Bachman in April at the Minneapolis Hilton Hotel. NASA said today that the Hubble telescope is already pointed there for the amazing opportunity to catch the never-before-seen spectacle of two black holes colliding.
4. On Thursday, Conan O'Brien announced a 30-city tour called the "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour" which would start April 12th. O'Brien will also make a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival this summer and serve as emcee on the main music stage. In other news, NBC negotiators were miraculously able to retain Chuck for a 4th season.
5. A surprising NPD Group report shows that in February video game sales fell 15% despite the release of major game titles. Gamers, however, expect the numbers to climb again as across the country millions of them emerged from a yearly, month-long shower and returned to their living rooms to unpause Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.
High five.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
He Haim, He Saw, He Conquered
1. 80's heartthrob Corey Haim died Wednesday at the age of 38 after reportedly suffering a drug overdose. Haim starred in hit movies such as Lucas and The Lost Boys, and a few networks have begun pre-production for a TV movie based on his life. After possessing another person's body to tryout, Haim was disappointed to find he couldn't get cast in that either.
2. Bank of America has announced that they will soon not allow debit card holders to overdraft their accounts. The move is in anticipation of new federal regulations which limit overdraft fees. But if American ingenuity has taught us anything, it's that US citizens will find new and more efficient ways to spend money they don't have.
3. The makers of Barbie announced they will be creating dolls based on characters from the show Mad Men. Characters Don Draper, his wife Betty, Roger Sterling, and office bombshell Joan Holloway will all be featured characters in the first batch. In the spirit of maintaining historical accuracy, female dolls will feature black eyes and no lip.
4. Best Buy unveiled a line of 3D televisions on Wednesday they hope will allow them to cash in on the 3D phenomenon started by James Cameron's Avatar. But analysts are unsure whether the 3D craze will really amount to anything. Still it may be a safe bet for Best Buy, because they can always tell their shareholders it looks like the customers' money is coming right at them.
5. As part of a BBC documentary, researchers ran an experiment to see if an "underwear bomb" could in fact bring a plane down, as was the plan of the unsuccessful Christmas Day bomber in Detroit last year. The researchers found that the underwear bomb would not have done any harm to the 747. The remaining passengers in line for the bathroom, however, respectfully disagreed.
High five.
2. Bank of America has announced that they will soon not allow debit card holders to overdraft their accounts. The move is in anticipation of new federal regulations which limit overdraft fees. But if American ingenuity has taught us anything, it's that US citizens will find new and more efficient ways to spend money they don't have.
3. The makers of Barbie announced they will be creating dolls based on characters from the show Mad Men. Characters Don Draper, his wife Betty, Roger Sterling, and office bombshell Joan Holloway will all be featured characters in the first batch. In the spirit of maintaining historical accuracy, female dolls will feature black eyes and no lip.
4. Best Buy unveiled a line of 3D televisions on Wednesday they hope will allow them to cash in on the 3D phenomenon started by James Cameron's Avatar. But analysts are unsure whether the 3D craze will really amount to anything. Still it may be a safe bet for Best Buy, because they can always tell their shareholders it looks like the customers' money is coming right at them.
5. As part of a BBC documentary, researchers ran an experiment to see if an "underwear bomb" could in fact bring a plane down, as was the plan of the unsuccessful Christmas Day bomber in Detroit last year. The researchers found that the underwear bomb would not have done any harm to the 747. The remaining passengers in line for the bathroom, however, respectfully disagreed.
High five.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Harry Colon
1. It was announced Tuesday that Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith will get a colonoscopy live on the air as a way to promote early cancer screenings. CBS says the live procedure is nothing audiences aren't used to seeing, especially after millions watched James Cameron get a similar procedure during this year's Oscars.
2. The Academy Awards aired on Sunday and the critically acclaimed Hurt Locker took home Best Picture. The Hurt Locker chronicles a group of US soldiers whose jobs are to defuse IEDs in Iraq, not to be confused with a Bush torture device of the same name.
3. On his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh said that if health care reform passes, he will leave the US. "I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh. Upon hearing the news, Costa Rica jammed through the paperwork to change its name to Liberal-vania.
4. On Monday, Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E*Trade over their Super Bowl ad. Lohan says E*Trade's talking baby ad featuring a "milkaholic" girl named Lindsay was a jab at her. Lohan isn't upset about the alcohol reference, but rather the fact that the baby's track marks weren't even on the correct arm.
5. On Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts told a crowd that he found President Obama's State of the Union address critique of a Supreme Court decision to reverse campaign finance laws "very troubling." In a 5-4 decision weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations could donate unlimited amounts of money to support the candidates of their choice. John Roberts' appearance was brought to you by Slim Fast. Slim Fast: trim those pesky pounds while you trim those pesky ethics! Slim Fast!
High five.
2. The Academy Awards aired on Sunday and the critically acclaimed Hurt Locker took home Best Picture. The Hurt Locker chronicles a group of US soldiers whose jobs are to defuse IEDs in Iraq, not to be confused with a Bush torture device of the same name.
3. On his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh said that if health care reform passes, he will leave the US. "I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh. Upon hearing the news, Costa Rica jammed through the paperwork to change its name to Liberal-vania.
4. On Monday, Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E*Trade over their Super Bowl ad. Lohan says E*Trade's talking baby ad featuring a "milkaholic" girl named Lindsay was a jab at her. Lohan isn't upset about the alcohol reference, but rather the fact that the baby's track marks weren't even on the correct arm.
5. On Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts told a crowd that he found President Obama's State of the Union address critique of a Supreme Court decision to reverse campaign finance laws "very troubling." In a 5-4 decision weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations could donate unlimited amounts of money to support the candidates of their choice. John Roberts' appearance was brought to you by Slim Fast. Slim Fast: trim those pesky pounds while you trim those pesky ethics! Slim Fast!
High five.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Game Of Inches
1. Playgirl is reportedly offering Jon Gosselin $20,000 to pose for a nude spread in the magazine. Playgirl extended the offer saying they would pay Gosselin $10,000 "for every inch after four." In future news, Jon Gosselin owes Playgirl $80,000.
2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what's wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield's 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears 001110100100101001101011011101001010111.
3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper's editorial page, saying it reads like "barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan." Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can't read or write!
4. On Saturday, Sarah admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like "death panels." Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they're just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.
5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties -- the Iraqi Prime Minister's State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party -- are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues. With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory. Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all? They really have become a democracy!
High five.
2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what's wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield's 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears 001110100100101001101011011101001010111.
3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper's editorial page, saying it reads like "barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan." Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can't read or write!
4. On Saturday, Sarah admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like "death panels." Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they're just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.
5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties -- the Iraqi Prime Minister's State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party -- are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues. With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory. Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all? They really have become a democracy!
High five.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Palin Comparison
1. On Thursday, producer Mark Burnett and Sarah Palin announced they are shopping around an idea for a television show about the natural beauty of Alaska. "What it's not is a reality show following her around, getting up in the morning or her family and all the salacious stuff," said Burnett. So tune in this fall to Sarah Palin Presents: The Beauty of Alaska... as Gunned Down From a Helicopter.
2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts. Airline security officials say they're very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets' new shoe bras.
3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky "libraries."
4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn't include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions. "We should not be giving women this option," said Stupak during a press conference. Stupak was rather unwavering -- that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, "Not so fast."
5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen. The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn't eaten.
High five.
2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts. Airline security officials say they're very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets' new shoe bras.
3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky "libraries."
4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn't include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions. "We should not be giving women this option," said Stupak during a press conference. Stupak was rather unwavering -- that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, "Not so fast."
5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen. The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn't eaten.
High five.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
R&R For Fifty Bucks
1. Republican Representative from North Carolina Patrick McHenry introduced a bill Tuesday to remove Ulysses S. Grant from the $50 bill and add former President Ronald Reagan. So far 13 Republicans have cosponsored the measure. But historians say Reagan's face should be put on something he's more familiar with, like a trillion dollar bill.
2. This week Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona introduced the Taking Responsibility for Congressional Pay Act, to cut the pay of all congress members by 5%. "Families across the country are getting by on lower wages ... so why shouldn't senators and representatives have to feel the same pinch?" asked Kirkpatrick. In future news, today Congress overwhelmingly passed a new measure called the Shoot Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick Into Space Act.
3. On Wednesday at a conference in California, developer Bryan Horling with Google said about 1 in 5 of everyone's searches is personalized based on their web history, location, and friends. "When we have information related to the user, it tends to be pretty clear what they're looking for," said Horling. Remember when you kept getting all those ads for stores specializing in S&M, lubricants, and Hello Kitty? They know.
4. The FAA suspended two air traffic controllers this week after the son of one was allowed to relay a few routine messages to pilots on the runway. "JetBlue 171, cleared for takeoff," the boy is heard saying in one recording. And today, Al Qaeda released a video declaring Take Your Kids To Work Day a complete success.
5. Tonight, Democratic Florida Rep. Alan Grayson will debate Republican Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on Larry King Live on the topic of health care reform. Show producers say their goal is to ensure an even, balanced debate, so prior to the telecast they will secretly feed Grayson crazy pills.
High five.
2. This week Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona introduced the Taking Responsibility for Congressional Pay Act, to cut the pay of all congress members by 5%. "Families across the country are getting by on lower wages ... so why shouldn't senators and representatives have to feel the same pinch?" asked Kirkpatrick. In future news, today Congress overwhelmingly passed a new measure called the Shoot Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick Into Space Act.
3. On Wednesday at a conference in California, developer Bryan Horling with Google said about 1 in 5 of everyone's searches is personalized based on their web history, location, and friends. "When we have information related to the user, it tends to be pretty clear what they're looking for," said Horling. Remember when you kept getting all those ads for stores specializing in S&M, lubricants, and Hello Kitty? They know.
4. The FAA suspended two air traffic controllers this week after the son of one was allowed to relay a few routine messages to pilots on the runway. "JetBlue 171, cleared for takeoff," the boy is heard saying in one recording. And today, Al Qaeda released a video declaring Take Your Kids To Work Day a complete success.
5. Tonight, Democratic Florida Rep. Alan Grayson will debate Republican Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on Larry King Live on the topic of health care reform. Show producers say their goal is to ensure an even, balanced debate, so prior to the telecast they will secretly feed Grayson crazy pills.
High five.
Photo High Five #11
Kentucky Senator and grinch Jim Bunning, who last week repeatedly blocked the extension of an unemployment benefits bill, shows the senate other things he enjoys blocking, like his own ability to applaud.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Long Time Ago In A University Far, Far Astray...
1. Students at the University of Mississippi have started a movement to make Admiral Ackbar, a Mon Calamari rebel from the Star Wars film Return of the Jedi, the school's mascot. Lucasfilm studios says they're flattered by the possibility of Ackbar becoming a mascot, but that "it will be difficult for him to show up for games!" Five Jokes believes the mascot should be a vagina, as it may be a treat for some of these students to actually see one.
2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.
3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.
4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."
5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.
High five.
2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.
3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.
4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."
5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.
High five.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Bunnin' An Elevator
1. After once again objecting to an unemployment benefits extension, Senator Jim Bunning refused to speak with reporters and even raised his middle finger at ABC News as he entered a private elevator. However in Bunning's defense, during his private elevator moments, the middle finger is usually the one he crams up his own ass.
2. Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a massive granite head they believe to be the pharaoh Amenhotep III, who lived 3,400 years ago. Researchers say this is the largest and most complete stone head ever found in the area. Archaeologists are now planning a future dig to unearth the ancient Egyptian steroids responsible.
3. It was reported Monday that Kate Gosselin of Jon & Katie Plus Eight will be participating in 2010's Dancing With The Stars which premieres March 22. In other news, ex-husband Jon Gosselin was thrilled to discover today that the bowl of Lucky Charms he poured for dinner was mostly stars!
4. A seventh grader at River Valley Middle School in Indiana has been suspended for a week after simply touching a fellow student's Adderall pill. The school's principal says student Rachel Greer was technically in possession of the drug, according the school's zero tolerance policy. Greer's mother was furious with the decision, saying, "We used to live in a country where educators just had inappropriate relations with the students!"
5. With a little over a year left on Katie Couric's contract, CBS has reportedly been in talks to bring Anderson Cooper on board as an anchor. No word yet on whether Couric would leave the network, but Cooper, in preparation for the move, has been maintaining his gray hair and stocking up on Metamucil.
High five.
2. Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a massive granite head they believe to be the pharaoh Amenhotep III, who lived 3,400 years ago. Researchers say this is the largest and most complete stone head ever found in the area. Archaeologists are now planning a future dig to unearth the ancient Egyptian steroids responsible.
3. It was reported Monday that Kate Gosselin of Jon & Katie Plus Eight will be participating in 2010's Dancing With The Stars which premieres March 22. In other news, ex-husband Jon Gosselin was thrilled to discover today that the bowl of Lucky Charms he poured for dinner was mostly stars!
4. A seventh grader at River Valley Middle School in Indiana has been suspended for a week after simply touching a fellow student's Adderall pill. The school's principal says student Rachel Greer was technically in possession of the drug, according the school's zero tolerance policy. Greer's mother was furious with the decision, saying, "We used to live in a country where educators just had inappropriate relations with the students!"
5. With a little over a year left on Katie Couric's contract, CBS has reportedly been in talks to bring Anderson Cooper on board as an anchor. No word yet on whether Couric would leave the network, but Cooper, in preparation for the move, has been maintaining his gray hair and stocking up on Metamucil.
High five.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Photo High Five #10
The White House's Social Secretary Desiree Rogers is set to step down next month after being criticized for allowing a strange couple to crash a high profile state dinner. Here she is posing with a couple disguising themselves as everyday ordinary ballroom pine trees.
Bunnin' The Oven
1. Today Senator from Kentucky Jim Bunning was criticized for single-handedly blocking a bill to extend unemployment benefits, saying he doesn't want to add to an already mounting deficit. "There is a time and a place and a purpose for debate on deficit reduction, but you don't make your stand on the back of the unemployed," said one critic. Bunning then returned to his Senate chamber desk and sat down in a chair made from 100% unemployed worker vertebrae he harvested personally.
2. On Friday, actor Jim Carrey became a grandfather when his daughter Jane gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, in a dimly lit movie studio exec's office, after years of waiting, the pre-planning stage of "Son of Son of Mask" is finally off and running.
3. Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY) refused to step down on Friday after being criticized by an ethics panel for accepting corporate-financed trips to the Caribbean. "These allegations are ridiculous and hypocritical," said Rangel sipping from his fruity, umbrella-decorated Pina Colada.
4. After an uninvited couple crashed an Obama state dinner, Social Secretary Desiree Rogers is resigning from her post. At a press conference, Rogers thanked the President for the opportunity and welcomed the chance to move on to other things. The press conference was crashed by 3 couples, a delivery man, and a random hobo.
5. It was reported on Friday that sponsor Gatorade is dropping Tiger Woods as a string of extramarital affairs has tarnished the golfer's public image. "Here at Gatorade, we're all about physical activity that makes you sweat hard and breath hard," said a spokesperson. "And that's just not what people think about when they think Tiger Woods nowadays."
High five.
2. On Friday, actor Jim Carrey became a grandfather when his daughter Jane gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles. Meanwhile, in a dimly lit movie studio exec's office, after years of waiting, the pre-planning stage of "Son of Son of Mask" is finally off and running.
3. Representative Charlie Rangel (D-NY) refused to step down on Friday after being criticized by an ethics panel for accepting corporate-financed trips to the Caribbean. "These allegations are ridiculous and hypocritical," said Rangel sipping from his fruity, umbrella-decorated Pina Colada.
4. After an uninvited couple crashed an Obama state dinner, Social Secretary Desiree Rogers is resigning from her post. At a press conference, Rogers thanked the President for the opportunity and welcomed the chance to move on to other things. The press conference was crashed by 3 couples, a delivery man, and a random hobo.
5. It was reported on Friday that sponsor Gatorade is dropping Tiger Woods as a string of extramarital affairs has tarnished the golfer's public image. "Here at Gatorade, we're all about physical activity that makes you sweat hard and breath hard," said a spokesperson. "And that's just not what people think about when they think Tiger Woods nowadays."
High five.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
You've Got Blackmail
1. A 19 year old New Berlin, WI teen was sentenced to 15 years on Wednesday after being convicted of blackmailing his classmates for sex. Anthony Stand posed as a girl on Facebook and convinced 30 male classmates to send him naked pictures of themselves which he then used as blackmail. Facebook users became suspicious when the updates for Stand's female persona included options to "Comment," "Like," and "Be Blackmailed For Sex."
2. Senate candidate Mark Rubio of Florida is under fire this week after a leaked Republican Party American Express card statement showed a number of personal expenditures. Rubio says the leak was orchestrated by his campaign rival, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, and that all charges were to promote the Republican Party of Florida. In Rubio's defense, no personal credit card has a limit high enough for that much Christian baby blood.
3. A Milwaukee teenager was given a 100 year sentence on Thursday after pleading guilty to shooting and injuring two police officers. The 19 year old was reportedly stopped by police last summer for riding his bike on the sidewalk. The punishment may seem excessive... so just imagine he's a Nazi vampire.
4. Two teachers at a Winnepeg, Canada high school have been sent home without pay after they danced in a very sexually suggestive manner during a pep rally. "It looked like sex on the dance floor," said one 17-year-old. I know, I'm shocked too. Who knew Canadians had sex?
5. Scientist announced this week that they have discovered a new species of dinosaur in eastern Utah. The bones are said to belong to the plant-eating sauropod, thought to be the largest land animal ever. However, scientists digging in Utah were also shocked to find the dinosaur had been buried with his eight dino-wives.
High five.
2. Senate candidate Mark Rubio of Florida is under fire this week after a leaked Republican Party American Express card statement showed a number of personal expenditures. Rubio says the leak was orchestrated by his campaign rival, Florida Governor Charlie Crist, and that all charges were to promote the Republican Party of Florida. In Rubio's defense, no personal credit card has a limit high enough for that much Christian baby blood.
3. A Milwaukee teenager was given a 100 year sentence on Thursday after pleading guilty to shooting and injuring two police officers. The 19 year old was reportedly stopped by police last summer for riding his bike on the sidewalk. The punishment may seem excessive... so just imagine he's a Nazi vampire.
4. Two teachers at a Winnepeg, Canada high school have been sent home without pay after they danced in a very sexually suggestive manner during a pep rally. "It looked like sex on the dance floor," said one 17-year-old. I know, I'm shocked too. Who knew Canadians had sex?
5. Scientist announced this week that they have discovered a new species of dinosaur in eastern Utah. The bones are said to belong to the plant-eating sauropod, thought to be the largest land animal ever. However, scientists digging in Utah were also shocked to find the dinosaur had been buried with his eight dino-wives.
High five.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Photo High Five #9
In preparation for the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," Major General Carter Ham looks out over the 1st Infantry Division as each soldier turns to the man on their right and makes sure his ass looks good in fatigues.
No Teacher Left Behind
1. On Tuesday, Central Falls High School in Rhode Island passed a measure to fire all teachers at the end of the school year. The effort to revamp the worst 5% of the state's schools is part of an effort to compete for millions in federal funding. Unfortunately, this mass teacher exodus will also mean fewer students getting laid.
2. China's Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co. said on Wednesday that it has decided to pull out of a deal to acquire General Motors Hummer line. GM has been trying to sell the Hummer brand to Tengzhong for the last year. Given that China's men outnumber China's women by 35 million, it's hard to understand why they'd turn down a Hummer.
3. Mark Williams, leader and spokesperson for the Tea Party Express, a series of nationwide anti-Obama bus tours, criticized President Obama in an email calling him "our half white, racist president." Williams goes on to point that this gives a bad name to all the pure white racists out there like himself.
4. A study done at San Diego State University shows that parents are choosing more unusual names these days. The study found that "40 percent of boys received one of the 10 most common names in the 1880s, while now fewer than 10 percent do," Still, say researchers, some naming truths remain consistent: if you name your child Todd, he will be a douche bag.
5. On Wednesday, an Italian judge ordered that three Google executives be held criminally responsible for a video posted to Google Video in which an autistic teenager is bullied. Though the verdict was met largely with criticism, the Milan prosecutor says he "protected a fundamental right, putting the interests of an individual before those of a business." Meanwhile high above the clouds on Mount Google, one exec swears he felt a tiny breeze just now, but his fellow execs convince him to ignore it and continue their daily regimen of having ultimate power.
High five.
2. China's Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machines Co. said on Wednesday that it has decided to pull out of a deal to acquire General Motors Hummer line. GM has been trying to sell the Hummer brand to Tengzhong for the last year. Given that China's men outnumber China's women by 35 million, it's hard to understand why they'd turn down a Hummer.
3. Mark Williams, leader and spokesperson for the Tea Party Express, a series of nationwide anti-Obama bus tours, criticized President Obama in an email calling him "our half white, racist president." Williams goes on to point that this gives a bad name to all the pure white racists out there like himself.
4. A study done at San Diego State University shows that parents are choosing more unusual names these days. The study found that "40 percent of boys received one of the 10 most common names in the 1880s, while now fewer than 10 percent do," Still, say researchers, some naming truths remain consistent: if you name your child Todd, he will be a douche bag.
5. On Wednesday, an Italian judge ordered that three Google executives be held criminally responsible for a video posted to Google Video in which an autistic teenager is bullied. Though the verdict was met largely with criticism, the Milan prosecutor says he "protected a fundamental right, putting the interests of an individual before those of a business." Meanwhile high above the clouds on Mount Google, one exec swears he felt a tiny breeze just now, but his fellow execs convince him to ignore it and continue their daily regimen of having ultimate power.
High five.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Photo High Five #9
After months of pregnancy rumors, shock swept through the news world on Tuesday when it was revealed that one of Tiger Woods' mistresses had in fact given birth.
You Dickinson!
1. Former judge on America's Next Top Model Janice Dickinson criticized Tyra Banks in a recent interview saying, "She's huge. I used to think she was a man." In future news, scientists of the 27th century have finally identified an ancient clump of plastic as Janice Dickinson, a creature from the 21st century which scientists believe may have been the first attempt at creating a half-man, half-machine species.
2. Today during a congressional hearing, some top military officials warned against the dangers of lifting the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. "We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," said Army Chief of Staff, Gen. George Casey. Casey did go on to admit, however, that the military could use an upgrade in fabulous.
3. Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rush to the hospital on Monday after he suffered what turned out to be only a mild heart attack. Cheney said Tuesday that he was feeling fine and hoped to be back home in a few days. Meanwhile in Hell, one devoted demon sighs away his disappointment after spending all day on a "Welcome Home!" banner.
4. Today on the The View, when asked about sex in the hot tub, the cast of the Jersey Shore said that while they do use condoms, in the hot tub the sperm is killed by the hot water so it's not necessary. The View audience sat in shocked silence with the knowledge that not only is that incorrect, but that the chances of Jersey Shore cast members breeding was higher than previously thought.
5. More than 400 people became ill on the Celebrity Cruises Mercury liner after an apparent outbreak of a gastrointestinal illness. Symptoms include upset stomach, vomiting and diarrhea, and one casualty has already been reported. Not as a result of the outbreak, but rather the suicide of the cruise ship's plumber.
High five.
2. Today during a congressional hearing, some top military officials warned against the dangers of lifting the military's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy. "We just don't know the impacts on readiness and military effectiveness," said Army Chief of Staff, Gen. George Casey. Casey did go on to admit, however, that the military could use an upgrade in fabulous.
3. Former Vice President Dick Cheney was rush to the hospital on Monday after he suffered what turned out to be only a mild heart attack. Cheney said Tuesday that he was feeling fine and hoped to be back home in a few days. Meanwhile in Hell, one devoted demon sighs away his disappointment after spending all day on a "Welcome Home!" banner.
4. Today on the The View, when asked about sex in the hot tub, the cast of the Jersey Shore said that while they do use condoms, in the hot tub the sperm is killed by the hot water so it's not necessary. The View audience sat in shocked silence with the knowledge that not only is that incorrect, but that the chances of Jersey Shore cast members breeding was higher than previously thought.
5. More than 400 people became ill on the Celebrity Cruises Mercury liner after an apparent outbreak of a gastrointestinal illness. Symptoms include upset stomach, vomiting and diarrhea, and one casualty has already been reported. Not as a result of the outbreak, but rather the suicide of the cruise ship's plumber.
High five.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Photo High Five #8
Terror suspect Najibullah Zazi pleaded guilty on Monday for plotting to detonate a bomb in the New York City subway system. As punishment, Zazi was banished into a charcoal medium phantom zone where he will remain forever.
Homey Don't Play That
1. Interviewed outside the CPAC last week, actor Stephen Baldwin said he is not happy about what President Obama's been doing, but added that "homey made this bed, now he has got to lay in it." Baldwin wasn't referring to Obama as a homey but rather the homeless man he currently shares a box with outside the CPAC.
2. Gloria Allred, a lawyer made famous by her usually famous clients, called Tiger Woods' apology on Friday a "staged public relations stunt." Allred represents two of Woods' alleged mistresses. Allred held a press conference with alleged mistress Jocelyn James to voice their disappointment... and their support for new sponsor L'Oreal cosmetics!
3. Representative Anthony Weiner of New York said today that Obama's new health care proposal will be a 51 vote plan, meaning it will likely be passed by a simple Senate majority, or reconciliation. "[Winning the support of Republicans] will simply not happen," said Weiner. "We need to stop bargaining against ourselves." Critics however say Weiner is just excited about the bill plan because it covers his many penis medications.
4. According to new CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll data released Sunday, 86% of Americans believe the current government system is broken. In future news, in a historic vote to implement key changes to fix the U.S. government, American voter turnout reached an all time high of 14%.
5. A rare Action Comics #1, the first comic to feature Superman, sold at an online auction last week for $1 million. The buyer who remains anonymous is said to be a well known individual in New York who has an exceptional comic collection. Not much information can be deduced about the buyer, but you can be sure his New York residence does not feature a horizontal toilet seat.
High five.
2. Gloria Allred, a lawyer made famous by her usually famous clients, called Tiger Woods' apology on Friday a "staged public relations stunt." Allred represents two of Woods' alleged mistresses. Allred held a press conference with alleged mistress Jocelyn James to voice their disappointment... and their support for new sponsor L'Oreal cosmetics!
3. Representative Anthony Weiner of New York said today that Obama's new health care proposal will be a 51 vote plan, meaning it will likely be passed by a simple Senate majority, or reconciliation. "[Winning the support of Republicans] will simply not happen," said Weiner. "We need to stop bargaining against ourselves." Critics however say Weiner is just excited about the bill plan because it covers his many penis medications.
4. According to new CNN/Opinion Research Corp. poll data released Sunday, 86% of Americans believe the current government system is broken. In future news, in a historic vote to implement key changes to fix the U.S. government, American voter turnout reached an all time high of 14%.
5. A rare Action Comics #1, the first comic to feature Superman, sold at an online auction last week for $1 million. The buyer who remains anonymous is said to be a well known individual in New York who has an exceptional comic collection. Not much information can be deduced about the buyer, but you can be sure his New York residence does not feature a horizontal toilet seat.
High five.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Photo High Five #7
Dick Cheney looks on as a confused tourist wearing an Obama t-shirt mistakenly enters the Conservative Political Action Conference and is killed for sport.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
When CPAC Attacks
1. On Thursday, Dick Cheney made an unannounced appearance at the CPAC, or Conservative Political Action Conference, telling the crowd it's a great time to be a conservative. "I think Barack Obama is a one term president," said Cheney to a thrilled crowd. Organizers say the conference went well, except of course for the lingering stench of Luke Skywalker's severed hand.
2. It was reported today that Wal-Mart's profits for the 4th quarter were up 22%. The company says the recession has affected them, but that they have cut costs to maintain profitability. Oddly enough, China's profits for the 4th quarter were also up 22%.
3. Today at the Conservative Political Action Conference, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that a recent meeting at the White House ended with President Obama slapping the table and scolding him. "Voters thought they were electing a commander in chief in 2008. Instead they got a professor who offers finger-wagging lectures," said Boehner. For a guy who grew up Roman Catholic, you'd think he'd be very familiar with the idea of boners being scolded.
4. Victoria Beckham appeared on The View Wednesday to defend women seen as too thin. "I think that some of these girls are naturally thin and I don't think we should be discriminating against someone because they're too thin, too curvy or too large," said Beckham. Beckham needed her coffee mug refilled constantly, since it was the only anchor keeping her from blowing away.
5. A Czech Republic woman had a 1 ft tool removed from her midsection last week. The woman complained of serious pain in her abdomen after a gynecological operation five months earlier. Today Tiger Woods issued his 237th apology.
High five.
2. It was reported today that Wal-Mart's profits for the 4th quarter were up 22%. The company says the recession has affected them, but that they have cut costs to maintain profitability. Oddly enough, China's profits for the 4th quarter were also up 22%.
3. Today at the Conservative Political Action Conference, House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) said that a recent meeting at the White House ended with President Obama slapping the table and scolding him. "Voters thought they were electing a commander in chief in 2008. Instead they got a professor who offers finger-wagging lectures," said Boehner. For a guy who grew up Roman Catholic, you'd think he'd be very familiar with the idea of boners being scolded.
4. Victoria Beckham appeared on The View Wednesday to defend women seen as too thin. "I think that some of these girls are naturally thin and I don't think we should be discriminating against someone because they're too thin, too curvy or too large," said Beckham. Beckham needed her coffee mug refilled constantly, since it was the only anchor keeping her from blowing away.
5. A Czech Republic woman had a 1 ft tool removed from her midsection last week. The woman complained of serious pain in her abdomen after a gynecological operation five months earlier. Today Tiger Woods issued his 237th apology.
High five.
Photo High Five #6
As 49 of 50 states in the U.S. experienced some kind of snowfall over the past week, governors from across the nation assemble thousands of trucks and planes, ready to move forward with "Operation: Cum On Hawaii."
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
You Can't Handle The Trudeau!
1. Infomercial guru Kevin Trudeau, author of Cancer Cures They Don't Want You To Know About and Debt Cures They Don't Want You To Know About, has been sentenced to 30 days in jail and for telling followers of his website to flood a federal judge's email inbox. The inundation left the judge's computer unusable and Trudeau has since apologized. Trudeau is hard at work on his next book Prison Shivs You Don't Want Them To Know About.
2. On Tuesday while speaking to a group of Tea Party members, Sarah Palin praised the movement but admitted that they eventually have to choose a party. "Because the Tea Party movement is not a party, and we have a two-party system, they’re going to have to pick a party," said Palin. Tea Party members say regardless of which party they join, they'll bring the kool-aid!
3. Jon Gosselin and TLC have reportedly reached a settlement deal, ending a months long suit between the two parties over breach of contract issues. Mark Jay Heller, Gosselin's attorney, says his client "has expressed his desire to close the litigation chapter of Jon & Kate Plus 8." In other news, attorney Mark Jay Heller is pregnant with quadruplets.
4. Former slugger Mark McGwire suited up for his new job as the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach on Wednesday, but could not escape reporters' questions about his admitted steroid use. "It's something I regret," McGwire said. "I can't say I'm sorry enough to everybody." McGwire angrily denied that steroids helped him hit homeruns and quickly ended the Q&A by hurling a reporter into the Sun.
5. Tea Party organizers say that their next convention will be held in Las Vegas, simply because President Obama told people not to go to Las Vegas. The convention will be held July 15-17 but organizers would not reveal a specific location. Today President Obama said he'd "absolutely hate hate hate it if the Tea Party convention was held in south Chicago."
High five.
2. On Tuesday while speaking to a group of Tea Party members, Sarah Palin praised the movement but admitted that they eventually have to choose a party. "Because the Tea Party movement is not a party, and we have a two-party system, they’re going to have to pick a party," said Palin. Tea Party members say regardless of which party they join, they'll bring the kool-aid!
3. Jon Gosselin and TLC have reportedly reached a settlement deal, ending a months long suit between the two parties over breach of contract issues. Mark Jay Heller, Gosselin's attorney, says his client "has expressed his desire to close the litigation chapter of Jon & Kate Plus 8." In other news, attorney Mark Jay Heller is pregnant with quadruplets.
4. Former slugger Mark McGwire suited up for his new job as the St. Louis Cardinals hitting coach on Wednesday, but could not escape reporters' questions about his admitted steroid use. "It's something I regret," McGwire said. "I can't say I'm sorry enough to everybody." McGwire angrily denied that steroids helped him hit homeruns and quickly ended the Q&A by hurling a reporter into the Sun.
5. Tea Party organizers say that their next convention will be held in Las Vegas, simply because President Obama told people not to go to Las Vegas. The convention will be held July 15-17 but organizers would not reveal a specific location. Today President Obama said he'd "absolutely hate hate hate it if the Tea Party convention was held in south Chicago."
High five.
Photo High Five #5
Willowick Talltean, a Brittany Spaniel, won the Sporting Group at the 134th annual Westminster Dog Show, but the young canine had no idea his winnings included being turned into a doggy bag.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sarah Palin Tall
1. During a trip to Saudi Arabia Tuesday, when asked how she would feel if Sarah Palin were elected president, Hillary Clinton said she would not leave the country. "It's part of the American political environment that people are always speculating who will run for president," said Clinton to an all girls college. However, when asked what he would do during a Palin presidency, former president Bill Clinton replied, "An internship."
2. A French arrest warrant has been issued for defamed U.S. cyclist Floyd Landis for allegedly hacking into computers at a doping laboratory. Landis had his 2006 Tour de France victory stripped after the laboratory detected elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. French authorities can't arrest Landis outside the country but hope to lure him by introducing tiny, tiny jockstraps you can only get in France.
3. Sean Hannity is set to release a new book next month that aims to defeat President Obama's "radical agenda." HarperCollins will print 1.5 million first edition copies of Conservative Victory, available March 30th. Hannity's other books include Deliver Us From Evil, Let Freedom Ring, and NAMBLA'n the Night Away!
4. Today astronauts at the international space station opened the shutters on the new Tranquility module, an observation deck that will give astronauts a never before seen look at Earth and space. In future news, due to the creation of some impressive high resolution camera technology and upcoming litigation, Oxford English Dictionary had no choice but to include the phrase "space perverts."
5. In a report Tuesday, scientists say that after extensive testing they believe King Tut died from malaria and a broken leg. This defeats the previous theory that Tut's health had slowly declined after shutting himself up in a pyramid and becoming history's first crazy cat lady.
High five.
2. A French arrest warrant has been issued for defamed U.S. cyclist Floyd Landis for allegedly hacking into computers at a doping laboratory. Landis had his 2006 Tour de France victory stripped after the laboratory detected elevated levels of testosterone in his blood. French authorities can't arrest Landis outside the country but hope to lure him by introducing tiny, tiny jockstraps you can only get in France.
3. Sean Hannity is set to release a new book next month that aims to defeat President Obama's "radical agenda." HarperCollins will print 1.5 million first edition copies of Conservative Victory, available March 30th. Hannity's other books include Deliver Us From Evil, Let Freedom Ring, and NAMBLA'n the Night Away!
4. Today astronauts at the international space station opened the shutters on the new Tranquility module, an observation deck that will give astronauts a never before seen look at Earth and space. In future news, due to the creation of some impressive high resolution camera technology and upcoming litigation, Oxford English Dictionary had no choice but to include the phrase "space perverts."
5. In a report Tuesday, scientists say that after extensive testing they believe King Tut died from malaria and a broken leg. This defeats the previous theory that Tut's health had slowly declined after shutting himself up in a pyramid and becoming history's first crazy cat lady.
High five.
Photo High Five #4
A worker in New York prepares for the Mardi Gras parade by polishing Rush Limbaugh's head.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Quid Pro Snow
1. Utilizing the heavy snowfall this winter, a 25 year old Ohio man constructed a massive four-room igloo in his family's backyard. The laborer says the project kept him busy while he remained unemployed. The impressive structure contains cable TV, a surround sound stereo, and probably a bottle of lotion near a box of Kleenex.
2. In the new issue of Details magazine, Twilight star Robert Pattinson says that he's "allergic to vagina." This made Pattinson's photoshoot with the magazine, where he posed with many nude or near nude women, very difficult for him, he says. In other news, a small quake was registered by seismologists in the U.S. today when females across the nation simultaneously sprouted penises.
3. Porn star Joselyn James was upset recently when she was included in a set of golf balls that feature Woods' many alleged mistresses, saying they may promote violence against women. James then went back to providing a positive image of women with three men at once.
4. Recent economic numbers show that companies are hiring more temporary labor, but not moving onto permanent workers as is historically the case. The U.S. added 52,000 temporary jobs in January, the fourth straight month of gains, but continues to see a net loss of jobs overall. This however has not affected the still highly lucrative Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer industries.
5. On Sunday, a New York doctor and his pregnant wife were thrown off a grounded Spirit Airlines plane at LaGuardia Airport after the man repeatedly asked for water for his wife. Flight attendants told the couple it was against policy to serve water before the plane was in the air. In their defense, the flight attendants were awfully busy rounding up fat people to throw off.
High five.
2. In the new issue of Details magazine, Twilight star Robert Pattinson says that he's "allergic to vagina." This made Pattinson's photoshoot with the magazine, where he posed with many nude or near nude women, very difficult for him, he says. In other news, a small quake was registered by seismologists in the U.S. today when females across the nation simultaneously sprouted penises.
3. Porn star Joselyn James was upset recently when she was included in a set of golf balls that feature Woods' many alleged mistresses, saying they may promote violence against women. James then went back to providing a positive image of women with three men at once.
4. Recent economic numbers show that companies are hiring more temporary labor, but not moving onto permanent workers as is historically the case. The U.S. added 52,000 temporary jobs in January, the fourth straight month of gains, but continues to see a net loss of jobs overall. This however has not affected the still highly lucrative Negative Nancy and Debbie Downer industries.
5. On Sunday, a New York doctor and his pregnant wife were thrown off a grounded Spirit Airlines plane at LaGuardia Airport after the man repeatedly asked for water for his wife. Flight attendants told the couple it was against policy to serve water before the plane was in the air. In their defense, the flight attendants were awfully busy rounding up fat people to throw off.
High five.
Photo High Five #3
Seen here in 1957 with his new invention the Frisbee, Walter Fredrick Morrison died last week at the age of 90. After years of trial and error, Morrison had finally designed a toy that would make millions of children happy while maintaining court-ordered distances.
Friday, February 12, 2010
It's Not Wise To Upset A Snooki
1. This week a nude photo of Jersey Shore's Snooki was posted anonymously to a site called "nakedSnooki.com." Snooki had previously denied reports that naked photos of her were circulating. However, those who have seen this particular nude photo say you can tell it's Snooki, because her vagina has a blowout.
2. According to reports, Tiger Woods burst into a rampage during a sex rehab session, denying an addiction to sex and calling the therapy nonsense. Woods also allegedly lashed out at his fellow patients causing one woman to burst into tears. Despite his aggressive outburst, authorities say no one was injured, though 3 women were laid.
3. Former 90210 star Brian Austin Green is $70,000 behind on his mortgage payments according to papers filed by Green's lender SunTrust Mortgage. The actor's rep says the incident is all actually part of a "calculated real estate move." In future news, actor Brain Austin Green was injured today when he attempted to flee a bankruptcy court police officer in what he called a "calculated escape plan."
4. After tallying the income data for lobbyist firms, the Center for Responsive Politics says 2009 was the most profitable year for lobbying ever. Special interests spent $3.47 billion lobbying the federal government last year, topping 2008's $3.3 billion. Suddenly, Nancy Pelosi's switch from Charmin brand to the lesser known Lobby Lips brand is beginning to make sense.
5. A Delaware teenager was arrested on Wednesday after police found him in a homemade igloo with 7.5 grams of marijuana, 2 bongs, and a survival knife. Officers released the teen to his parents custody but not before charging him with carrying a concealed deadly weapon, possession of marijuana, and one sweet ass fort.
High five.
2. According to reports, Tiger Woods burst into a rampage during a sex rehab session, denying an addiction to sex and calling the therapy nonsense. Woods also allegedly lashed out at his fellow patients causing one woman to burst into tears. Despite his aggressive outburst, authorities say no one was injured, though 3 women were laid.
3. Former 90210 star Brian Austin Green is $70,000 behind on his mortgage payments according to papers filed by Green's lender SunTrust Mortgage. The actor's rep says the incident is all actually part of a "calculated real estate move." In future news, actor Brain Austin Green was injured today when he attempted to flee a bankruptcy court police officer in what he called a "calculated escape plan."
4. After tallying the income data for lobbyist firms, the Center for Responsive Politics says 2009 was the most profitable year for lobbying ever. Special interests spent $3.47 billion lobbying the federal government last year, topping 2008's $3.3 billion. Suddenly, Nancy Pelosi's switch from Charmin brand to the lesser known Lobby Lips brand is beginning to make sense.
5. A Delaware teenager was arrested on Wednesday after police found him in a homemade igloo with 7.5 grams of marijuana, 2 bongs, and a survival knife. Officers released the teen to his parents custody but not before charging him with carrying a concealed deadly weapon, possession of marijuana, and one sweet ass fort.
High five.
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