Toyota president Akio Toyoda holds a press conference to address the recall of his company's cars when the brakes holding his eyelids suddenly fail.Friday, February 12, 2010
Photo High Five #2
Toyota president Akio Toyoda holds a press conference to address the recall of his company's cars when the brakes holding his eyelids suddenly fail.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Bachmann Furor Overdrive
1. On Wednesday, Minnesota Republican Michelle Bachmann called an upcoming health care summit with congressional leadership "an assault on the intelligence of the American people." In future news, using a combination of radical new drugs and anti-coagulants to restore blood flow to the brain, scientists of the 25th century have finally discovered the cure for Michelle Bachmann disease.
2. An Arab ambassador to Dubai had his marriage annulled after he discovered his new wife was crossed-eyed and bearded underneath her veil. The wife had reportedly worn the Islamic veil during the few times the two met which is not uncommon. Today the Arab world declared "Global Unveil Day" as millions of Arab husbands stood by and watched their veiled wives with distrusting, slit eyes.
3. Two weeks after the reclusive author's death, correspondence letters written by J.D. Salinger are being made public. Experts predict more Salinger writings will surface in the future, despite the author's insistence on secrecy. See, keep to yourself all you want while you're alive, but when you're dead? We're takin' your shit.
4. In the latest issue of Esquire, a new survey shows that 29% of GOP party leaders from across the country believe President Obama is "the worst president we've ever had." When asked if they thought he would be remembered as the worst president ever, one anonymous participant replied, "Heh, well, no, let's elect a black woman first."
5. This week in his column for the Washington Post, David Broder voiced his admiration for Sarah Palin calling her address to the National Tea Party Convention "pitch-perfect populism." Palin is a "public figure at the top of her game," said Broder. Yes, and that game is trivial pursuit.
High five.
2. An Arab ambassador to Dubai had his marriage annulled after he discovered his new wife was crossed-eyed and bearded underneath her veil. The wife had reportedly worn the Islamic veil during the few times the two met which is not uncommon. Today the Arab world declared "Global Unveil Day" as millions of Arab husbands stood by and watched their veiled wives with distrusting, slit eyes.
3. Two weeks after the reclusive author's death, correspondence letters written by J.D. Salinger are being made public. Experts predict more Salinger writings will surface in the future, despite the author's insistence on secrecy. See, keep to yourself all you want while you're alive, but when you're dead? We're takin' your shit.
4. In the latest issue of Esquire, a new survey shows that 29% of GOP party leaders from across the country believe President Obama is "the worst president we've ever had." When asked if they thought he would be remembered as the worst president ever, one anonymous participant replied, "Heh, well, no, let's elect a black woman first."
5. This week in his column for the Washington Post, David Broder voiced his admiration for Sarah Palin calling her address to the National Tea Party Convention "pitch-perfect populism." Palin is a "public figure at the top of her game," said Broder. Yes, and that game is trivial pursuit.
High five.
Photo High Five #1
In that moment, Senator Mitch McConnell watched House minority leader John Boehner and realized that he in fact did have a boner.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Delete 'MySpace CEO'?
1. On Wednesday, MySpace CEO Owen Van Natta announced he's resigning from the social networking site after less than a year on the job. MySpace employees said they were saddened when they saw the news on the their Facebook feed.
2. It was announced today that the restaurant chain Hooters is for sale and could fetch as much as $250 million. The franchise owner says however the price could be lowered if we go to your place instead and you take a shower first.
3. According to the newest issue of Nature, scientists have discovered DNA in a 4,000 year old man that suggests he may have dealt with baldness. Scientists identified specific markers in the ancient man's DNA which by today's data would have created a tendency towards baldness. Also reinforcing the baldness theory was the man's cave filled with Swanson's Dinner-4-One.
4. Researchers from University College London have published findings in the International Journal of Epidemiology that say being bored could be bad for your health and cause you to die prematurely. Those who reported being very bored were two and a half times more likely to die of a heart problem due to inactivity. In other news, Corey Haim has been found dead of a heart attack at his Los Angeles apartment 10 years ago.
5. Singer John Mayer is apologizing for an interview he gave with Playboy in which he used the N-word. "It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged," said Mayer. However, there is a more surprising realization here: somewhere in America a man opened up the latest issue of Playboy, flipped to an interview with John Mayer, became offended, and never once lost focus.
High five.
2. It was announced today that the restaurant chain Hooters is for sale and could fetch as much as $250 million. The franchise owner says however the price could be lowered if we go to your place instead and you take a shower first.
3. According to the newest issue of Nature, scientists have discovered DNA in a 4,000 year old man that suggests he may have dealt with baldness. Scientists identified specific markers in the ancient man's DNA which by today's data would have created a tendency towards baldness. Also reinforcing the baldness theory was the man's cave filled with Swanson's Dinner-4-One.
4. Researchers from University College London have published findings in the International Journal of Epidemiology that say being bored could be bad for your health and cause you to die prematurely. Those who reported being very bored were two and a half times more likely to die of a heart problem due to inactivity. In other news, Corey Haim has been found dead of a heart attack at his Los Angeles apartment 10 years ago.
5. Singer John Mayer is apologizing for an interview he gave with Playboy in which he used the N-word. "It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there's no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged," said Mayer. However, there is a more surprising realization here: somewhere in America a man opened up the latest issue of Playboy, flipped to an interview with John Mayer, became offended, and never once lost focus.
High five.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Black Steele
1. In the February issue of Washingtonian, RNC Chairman Michael Steele suggests that criticism of the RNC is motivated by racism and the fact that he is black. "I don't see stories about the internal operations of the DNC that I see about this operation," said Steele. However, editors at the Washingtonian say Steele's argument may not sell, since the white paper they print on is technically blacker than he is.
2. In a new Washington Post/ABC News poll, 60% of Americans say they want the government to pass some kind of comprehensive health care reform. Pollsters say the remaining 40% would likely have voted the same but died from pre-existing conditions.
3. On Tuesday, Google introduced a new feature to its Gmail service called "Google Buzz" which allows users to create status updates similar to how they would on Facebook. Analysts say Buzz is a direct response to Facebook's growing popularity, which threatens Google's advertising revenue. Google's expansion continues next month when it releases a new vagina diagnostic tool implant called "Va-Google."
4. It was announced today by Paramount Pictures that Tom Cruise is signed on to star in and produce the next Mission: Impossible. JJ Abrams will not return to direct but will stay on to produce, says Paramount CEO Brad Grey. Scheduled for a Memorial Day 2011 release, the new film will be called Mission: Impossible IV: Run, Suri, Run!
5. On Tuesday, MTV revealed its new and improved logo which drops "Music Television," its original tagline. "If you watch the channel, you've seen that it's definitely going in a new direction," says spokesperson Tina Exarhos. Media experts agree and say it makes sense for them to change their logo to a douche.
High five.
2. In a new Washington Post/ABC News poll, 60% of Americans say they want the government to pass some kind of comprehensive health care reform. Pollsters say the remaining 40% would likely have voted the same but died from pre-existing conditions.
3. On Tuesday, Google introduced a new feature to its Gmail service called "Google Buzz" which allows users to create status updates similar to how they would on Facebook. Analysts say Buzz is a direct response to Facebook's growing popularity, which threatens Google's advertising revenue. Google's expansion continues next month when it releases a new vagina diagnostic tool implant called "Va-Google."
4. It was announced today by Paramount Pictures that Tom Cruise is signed on to star in and produce the next Mission: Impossible. JJ Abrams will not return to direct but will stay on to produce, says Paramount CEO Brad Grey. Scheduled for a Memorial Day 2011 release, the new film will be called Mission: Impossible IV: Run, Suri, Run!
5. On Tuesday, MTV revealed its new and improved logo which drops "Music Television," its original tagline. "If you watch the channel, you've seen that it's definitely going in a new direction," says spokesperson Tina Exarhos. Media experts agree and say it makes sense for them to change their logo to a douche.
High five.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Now What Dubai Do?
1. The world's tallest skyscraper in Dubai, United Arab Emirates has been closed unexpectedly due to electrical problems. Construction of the "CLOSED" sign is on schedule for a grand opening in 2012 and will occupy 30,000 acres.
2. On Sunday, a 27 year old Washington man was arrested for allegedly waterboarding his 4 year old daughter when she didn't know her ABC's. And people like Sarah Palin think America is going in the wrong direction? Waterboarding and illiteracy sound like exactly her direction.
3. The infamous Heart Attack Grill in Arizona is suing a Florida restaurant called Heart Stoppers for what they believe is an infringement on their idea. Both restaurants include menus with massive and unhealthy portions of food, attractive waitresses, and signs with an EKG design. A court date is set for later in the year, but experts predict the restaurants will reach a settlement since the courtroom is on the second floor.
4. On Monday, a frostbitten dead man was found in the wheel well of a Delta airplane flying from Japan to New York. The identity of the man is yet unknown but the airline is hoping to discover it quickly so they can help the family cope with the bill for a one-way ticket.
5. Researchers from UC Davis have published a study in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture that says drinking beer is actually good for bone health. Scientists analyzed 100 commercial beers and showed that it is a significant source of dietary silicon, a key ingredient for bone health. At last, one determined fraternity brother-turned-UC Davis professor's beliefs have finally been vindicated.
High five.
2. On Sunday, a 27 year old Washington man was arrested for allegedly waterboarding his 4 year old daughter when she didn't know her ABC's. And people like Sarah Palin think America is going in the wrong direction? Waterboarding and illiteracy sound like exactly her direction.
3. The infamous Heart Attack Grill in Arizona is suing a Florida restaurant called Heart Stoppers for what they believe is an infringement on their idea. Both restaurants include menus with massive and unhealthy portions of food, attractive waitresses, and signs with an EKG design. A court date is set for later in the year, but experts predict the restaurants will reach a settlement since the courtroom is on the second floor.
4. On Monday, a frostbitten dead man was found in the wheel well of a Delta airplane flying from Japan to New York. The identity of the man is yet unknown but the airline is hoping to discover it quickly so they can help the family cope with the bill for a one-way ticket.
5. Researchers from UC Davis have published a study in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture that says drinking beer is actually good for bone health. Scientists analyzed 100 commercial beers and showed that it is a significant source of dietary silicon, a key ingredient for bone health. At last, one determined fraternity brother-turned-UC Davis professor's beliefs have finally been vindicated.
High five.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Better Off Ted
1. On Thursday, Massachusetts' Scott Brown, replacement for the late Senator Ted Kennedy, was sworn in by Vice President Joe Biden as the 41st GOP senator. "I can't promise I will be right in every vote I make, but I will do the very best job I can," said Brown. Then as customary with new GOP congressional members, Brown chose the South American country to house his secret mistress.
2. Heinz today unveiled a redesigned ketchup packet, one that would allow users the freedom to either dip food into the product or squeeze the product out. "The biggest complaint is there is no way to dip and eat it on-the-go," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup. Still, most excited about the revamped ketchup packet design is the largely ignored "fake wound prank" demographic.
3. In the latest issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, an English doctor writes about a 14 year old girl who came to him with a broken foot she got from playing Wii Fit. The girl was reportedly using the Wii balance board, but lost her balance and twisted her ankle. The doctor says the girl will make a speedy recovery and be back to no friends in no time.
4. The French government recently proposed a law that would ban burqas from being worn in public. But Oumkheyr, a French Muslim woman, told CNN that she is proud to wear a burqa and doesn't understand the need for a ban since so few women she knows wear it. Yeah, if you're so proud to wear a burqa, why don't you show your face!
5. A Toronto restaurant called Mildred's Temple Kitchen is encouraging its patrons this Valentine's Day to have sex in the restaurant's bathrooms. "We've always had little trysts in our bathrooms," says co-owner Donna Dooher. "We're taking it to the next level on Valentine's weekend." Guys are particularly excited about the time they'll save, since they can now pay for dinner and get turned down for sex all in one trip.
High five.
2. Heinz today unveiled a redesigned ketchup packet, one that would allow users the freedom to either dip food into the product or squeeze the product out. "The biggest complaint is there is no way to dip and eat it on-the-go," said Dave Ciesinski, vice president of Heinz Ketchup. Still, most excited about the revamped ketchup packet design is the largely ignored "fake wound prank" demographic.
3. In the latest issue of the New England Journal of Medicine, an English doctor writes about a 14 year old girl who came to him with a broken foot she got from playing Wii Fit. The girl was reportedly using the Wii balance board, but lost her balance and twisted her ankle. The doctor says the girl will make a speedy recovery and be back to no friends in no time.
4. The French government recently proposed a law that would ban burqas from being worn in public. But Oumkheyr, a French Muslim woman, told CNN that she is proud to wear a burqa and doesn't understand the need for a ban since so few women she knows wear it. Yeah, if you're so proud to wear a burqa, why don't you show your face!
5. A Toronto restaurant called Mildred's Temple Kitchen is encouraging its patrons this Valentine's Day to have sex in the restaurant's bathrooms. "We've always had little trysts in our bathrooms," says co-owner Donna Dooher. "We're taking it to the next level on Valentine's weekend." Guys are particularly excited about the time they'll save, since they can now pay for dinner and get turned down for sex all in one trip.
High five.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
300, This Is Wal-Marta!
1. Wal-Mart announced on Wednesday that it will be cutting 300 administrative jobs from its corporate headquarters in Arkansas. "With this last major strategic piece in place, we are beginning our new fiscal year with every part of our business focused on being even more responsive to our customers," said CEO Mike Duke. Coincidentally, "strategic piece in place" is also what one Wal-Mart customer said just before entering the store in only a cock sock.
2. A man in Germany was saved on a frozen sea when a woman hundreds of miles away spotted him while watching the sunset on a tourist webcam. The man had reportedly gone out to photograph the sunset himself, become disoriented, and could no longer find the shore when darkness fell. For those keeping score at home, that's...
Dangers of a Sedentary Lifestyle: 230,103,294
Benefits: 1
3. At a high school basketball game in Monessen, PA, police tasered a young black man they thought was getting out of line after fights broke out. Video of the incident however shows one of the white officers antagonizing the student and using the taser even after the man was in handcuffs. Though, in the officer's defense, if the young black man hadn't been subdued quickly enough, the officer's white daughter may have been dated or even impregnated.
4. It's been announced that Sean Hannity will headline the national Republican Congressional Committee dinner on March 23 at the National Building Museum. The GOP hope Hannity's presence will lead to a large and much-needed fundraising haul. Per Hannity's request, museum directors say all door handles will be the shape of Ronald Reagan's penis.
5. A German company called Nanopool is reporting the development of a spray-on liquid glass substance which scientists believe could revolutionize manufacturing. Only a few millionths of a millimeter thick, the substance creates a flexible invisible barrier that repels water, dirt and bacteria, but remains breathable. And today, Paris Hilton sprayed it all over her lady parts.
High five.
2. A man in Germany was saved on a frozen sea when a woman hundreds of miles away spotted him while watching the sunset on a tourist webcam. The man had reportedly gone out to photograph the sunset himself, become disoriented, and could no longer find the shore when darkness fell. For those keeping score at home, that's...
Dangers of a Sedentary Lifestyle: 230,103,294
Benefits: 1
3. At a high school basketball game in Monessen, PA, police tasered a young black man they thought was getting out of line after fights broke out. Video of the incident however shows one of the white officers antagonizing the student and using the taser even after the man was in handcuffs. Though, in the officer's defense, if the young black man hadn't been subdued quickly enough, the officer's white daughter may have been dated or even impregnated.
4. It's been announced that Sean Hannity will headline the national Republican Congressional Committee dinner on March 23 at the National Building Museum. The GOP hope Hannity's presence will lead to a large and much-needed fundraising haul. Per Hannity's request, museum directors say all door handles will be the shape of Ronald Reagan's penis.
5. A German company called Nanopool is reporting the development of a spray-on liquid glass substance which scientists believe could revolutionize manufacturing. Only a few millionths of a millimeter thick, the substance creates a flexible invisible barrier that repels water, dirt and bacteria, but remains breathable. And today, Paris Hilton sprayed it all over her lady parts.
High five.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
In The Closet Now
1. On Tuesday, the nation's top military officials told members of Congress that they should lift the ban on gays in the military. Reversing the Pentagon's 17-year-old policy toward gays "comes down to integrity," Joint Chiefs Chairman Adm. Mike Mullen told a Senate hearing. Of course, simply talking about gays left Mullen weakened by powerful gay urges, transforming him into gay as panicked conservatives evacuated the chamber wearing self-contained breathing apparatuses.
2. On Monday, conservative activist James O'Keefe appeared on Hannity's America to explain his arrest for allegedly dressing up as a telephone repair man to bug the office Louisiana Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. O'Keefe claims the whole incident is a "huge misunderstanding." Ironically, in future news, his boyish figure and sensitivity quickly earns O'Keefe the prison name Miss Understanding.
3. A new poll released this week shows that a large portion of Republicans feel that President Obama is a socialist, racist, or not a real U.S. citizen. The data shows also that 24% of self-identified Republicans feel the President wants "the terrorists to win." Well, against this 24%, can you really blame him?
4. GOP Senator John Cornyn of Texas said on Tuesday that allowing the Teabaggers to form a third party would endanger the future of the Republican party. Remember, it's just like you learned in your high school civics class, nothing kills a threesome faster than a teabagger.
5. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown admitted today that he has in fact spoken to Sarah Palin though he had previously denied ever having contact with the former Alaskan Governor. Brown's spokesperson today said he "had forgotten about the congratulatory call from Sarah Palin on election night... it had completely slipped his mind." This statement, however, coincides with a recent poll in which 95% of Americans were "surprised" to learn Palin could dial a phone.
High five.
2. On Monday, conservative activist James O'Keefe appeared on Hannity's America to explain his arrest for allegedly dressing up as a telephone repair man to bug the office Louisiana Democratic Senator Mary Landrieu. O'Keefe claims the whole incident is a "huge misunderstanding." Ironically, in future news, his boyish figure and sensitivity quickly earns O'Keefe the prison name Miss Understanding.
3. A new poll released this week shows that a large portion of Republicans feel that President Obama is a socialist, racist, or not a real U.S. citizen. The data shows also that 24% of self-identified Republicans feel the President wants "the terrorists to win." Well, against this 24%, can you really blame him?
4. GOP Senator John Cornyn of Texas said on Tuesday that allowing the Teabaggers to form a third party would endanger the future of the Republican party. Remember, it's just like you learned in your high school civics class, nothing kills a threesome faster than a teabagger.
5. Newly elected Massachusetts Senator Scott Brown admitted today that he has in fact spoken to Sarah Palin though he had previously denied ever having contact with the former Alaskan Governor. Brown's spokesperson today said he "had forgotten about the congratulatory call from Sarah Palin on election night... it had completely slipped his mind." This statement, however, coincides with a recent poll in which 95% of Americans were "surprised" to learn Palin could dial a phone.
High five.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Good Shit
1. On Friday, Arizona police discovered over 700lbs. of marijuana stuffed into a septic tank truck. Officials say cartels go to great lengths to hide their product but that this is the first time they've found it hidden in human waste, giving new meaning to the phrase "This is good shit."
2. Scientists say they have solved an important part of the puzzle in the research to cure HIV/AIDS. In a study published in the science journal Nature on Sunday, scientists say they've been able to grow a crystal of the enzyme integrase, which HIV uses to paste its genetic information to our DNA. Researchers say being able to study the structure of the enzyme will lead to many gains in the field, but OMG did you totally see Lady Gaga performing with Elton John last night???
3. According to President Obama's proposed budget for 2011, funding for NASA's plans to return to the moon will be cut. In defense of his budget proposal, President Obama said that going to the moon is not the country's priority right now. Plus, says the President, putting astronauts on the moon would make the moon's job-creation rate higher than ours.
4. President Obama's budget proposal for 2011 includes a large increase in spending for the Sciences, drawing cheers from the entire scientific community. Increased funding is planned for cancer research, the National Science Foundation, and the Department of Health and Human Services. The increase did, however, draw criticism from former Bush administration Chief Science Adviser and voodoo priest MezenDieu.
5. A recent report shows that Sarah Palin's political action committee "Sarah PAC" spent $63,000 on copies of Palin's book Going Rogue. Analysts suggest this may be a gift to repay certain high paying donors, an assessment supported by another Sarah PAC budgetary cost listed only as "Palin Donor Reading Lessons."
High five.
2. Scientists say they have solved an important part of the puzzle in the research to cure HIV/AIDS. In a study published in the science journal Nature on Sunday, scientists say they've been able to grow a crystal of the enzyme integrase, which HIV uses to paste its genetic information to our DNA. Researchers say being able to study the structure of the enzyme will lead to many gains in the field, but OMG did you totally see Lady Gaga performing with Elton John last night???
3. According to President Obama's proposed budget for 2011, funding for NASA's plans to return to the moon will be cut. In defense of his budget proposal, President Obama said that going to the moon is not the country's priority right now. Plus, says the President, putting astronauts on the moon would make the moon's job-creation rate higher than ours.
4. President Obama's budget proposal for 2011 includes a large increase in spending for the Sciences, drawing cheers from the entire scientific community. Increased funding is planned for cancer research, the National Science Foundation, and the Department of Health and Human Services. The increase did, however, draw criticism from former Bush administration Chief Science Adviser and voodoo priest MezenDieu.
5. A recent report shows that Sarah Palin's political action committee "Sarah PAC" spent $63,000 on copies of Palin's book Going Rogue. Analysts suggest this may be a gift to repay certain high paying donors, an assessment supported by another Sarah PAC budgetary cost listed only as "Palin Donor Reading Lessons."
High five.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Recluse Is Loose
1. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was voted to a second term by the Senate on Thursday by a vote of 70-30, the closest in history. See, kids, just like that fireworks factory owner told you, sometimes just not killing everyone in a massive explosion can get you employee of the month!
2. On Thursday, renowned and famously reclusive author J.D. Salinger died in his home of natural causes. The author's wake will be held Saturday at noon and the public is welcome to mind their own god-damned business while his heirs load a shotgun on the front porch.
3. Wal-Mart announced Thursday that it would be reorganizing their U.S. operations, allowing each region of the country to better connect with their customers. Because nothing is worse than mistaking the hometown region of the guy wearing camouflage assless chaps with the hometown region of the girl wearing a denim bikini bottom and 300 extra pounds.
4. Newly elected Senator Scott Brown said during an interview Thursday that he won't always be siding with Republicans. "I already told them," said Brown, "there'll be issues when I'll be with you and there are issues when I won't be with you." In future news, Scott Brown died after authorities say he bound his own hands and shot himself in the back in what Republicans are calling a tragic self-assisted suicide.
5. Nintendo's CEO Satoru Iwata said recently in an interview that while he welcomes 3D films like Avatar he doesn't think 3D gaming will ever catch on. "I have doubts whether people will be wearing glasses to play games at home. How is that going to look to other people?" said Iwata. The Nintendo CEO then purchased Hello Kitty girl panties from a vending machine.
High five.
2. On Thursday, renowned and famously reclusive author J.D. Salinger died in his home of natural causes. The author's wake will be held Saturday at noon and the public is welcome to mind their own god-damned business while his heirs load a shotgun on the front porch.
3. Wal-Mart announced Thursday that it would be reorganizing their U.S. operations, allowing each region of the country to better connect with their customers. Because nothing is worse than mistaking the hometown region of the guy wearing camouflage assless chaps with the hometown region of the girl wearing a denim bikini bottom and 300 extra pounds.
4. Newly elected Senator Scott Brown said during an interview Thursday that he won't always be siding with Republicans. "I already told them," said Brown, "there'll be issues when I'll be with you and there are issues when I won't be with you." In future news, Scott Brown died after authorities say he bound his own hands and shot himself in the back in what Republicans are calling a tragic self-assisted suicide.
5. Nintendo's CEO Satoru Iwata said recently in an interview that while he welcomes 3D films like Avatar he doesn't think 3D gaming will ever catch on. "I have doubts whether people will be wearing glasses to play games at home. How is that going to look to other people?" said Iwata. The Nintendo CEO then purchased Hello Kitty girl panties from a vending machine.
High five.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
I, Forgot
1. After President Obama's State of the Union speech on Wednesday, Chris Matthews told his audience the president has done so much to heal racial divisions in our culture that he "forgot he was black." The majority of Matthews' audience immediately turned the channel, not because they were upset by his comments, but because they "forgot they were watching Chris Matthews."
2. Yury Luzhkov, Mayor of Moscow, said on Monday that he would not allow a gay pride parade, calling such an event "Satanic." Despite Luzhkov's comments, organizers say they still plan on holding the parade on May 29. However, in Luzhkov's defense, organizers admit one section of the parade will feature participants wearing only devil horns and cock socks.
3. A review of 20 years of social science research has found that two women are as good at raising healthy, well-adjusted children as heterosexual couples are. In other news, 20 minutes of internet video research has found that two women are often preferred to heterosexual couples when it comes to raising "lots of things."
4. On Wednesday, Apple introduced its new iPad, a tablet-like computer that resembles a giant iPhone. The tablet weighs 1.5 pounds, is .5 inches thick, and has a 9.7 inch display. The news was applauded today by the group "Assholes for a More Interrupted Movie Theater Experience."
5. A new poll released by the company Public Policy Polling claims that Fox News is the most trusted name in news. 49% of those polled said they trusted Fox News while 37% said they did not, making it the only network with a overall positive rating. In other news, brain eating zombies have taken over and are sustaining themselves on 49% of U.S. citizens.
High five.
2. Yury Luzhkov, Mayor of Moscow, said on Monday that he would not allow a gay pride parade, calling such an event "Satanic." Despite Luzhkov's comments, organizers say they still plan on holding the parade on May 29. However, in Luzhkov's defense, organizers admit one section of the parade will feature participants wearing only devil horns and cock socks.
3. A review of 20 years of social science research has found that two women are as good at raising healthy, well-adjusted children as heterosexual couples are. In other news, 20 minutes of internet video research has found that two women are often preferred to heterosexual couples when it comes to raising "lots of things."
4. On Wednesday, Apple introduced its new iPad, a tablet-like computer that resembles a giant iPhone. The tablet weighs 1.5 pounds, is .5 inches thick, and has a 9.7 inch display. The news was applauded today by the group "Assholes for a More Interrupted Movie Theater Experience."
5. A new poll released by the company Public Policy Polling claims that Fox News is the most trusted name in news. 49% of those polled said they trusted Fox News while 37% said they did not, making it the only network with a overall positive rating. In other news, brain eating zombies have taken over and are sustaining themselves on 49% of U.S. citizens.
High five.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Less Cowell-bell
1. CBS is pushing a new syndicated court focused show starring Nancy Grace called Swift Justice. The network says Grace's new program is already set to air in nearly 90% of households across the country. Authorities note that this will also make it easier to get the word out on missing children that Grace has obviously kidnapped herself.
2. There is reportedly some conflict over at Fox News between Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck. Recent polls suggest that Beck is quickly becoming the networks most identifiable star, causing "some angst amongst O'Reilly's camp." In other news, today in a park two fleas fought viciously over prime real estate on a dog's ass.
3. A Dutch court ruled this week that a McDonald's in the town of Lemmer was wrong to fire an employee for not charging for cheese on a hamburger she sold to a friend. In a written statement, the court said, "It is just a slice of cheese," and ordered McDonald's to pay the fired worker's salary for the remaining five months of her contract. What scientists, philosophers, and theoreticians thought was disastrously impossible has now become a reality: for five months, this girl will be both unemployed and working at McDonald's.
4. Perez Hilton said today that he wants to replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol. "If they're looking for a new judge on 'American Idol,' I am available," said Hilton. However, it's difficult to say if Hilton can fill the shoes of someone who is famous for no other reason than picking apart people more talented than him.
5. According to new statistics obtained by the Guttmacher Institute, a reproductive-health think tank, U.S. teen pregnancy and abortion rates are both rising. Today in response, U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was heard to exclaim, "Well, I guess we're all even then!" America: Where not moving at all is sometimes progress too!
High five.
2. There is reportedly some conflict over at Fox News between Bill O'Reilly and Glenn Beck. Recent polls suggest that Beck is quickly becoming the networks most identifiable star, causing "some angst amongst O'Reilly's camp." In other news, today in a park two fleas fought viciously over prime real estate on a dog's ass.
3. A Dutch court ruled this week that a McDonald's in the town of Lemmer was wrong to fire an employee for not charging for cheese on a hamburger she sold to a friend. In a written statement, the court said, "It is just a slice of cheese," and ordered McDonald's to pay the fired worker's salary for the remaining five months of her contract. What scientists, philosophers, and theoreticians thought was disastrously impossible has now become a reality: for five months, this girl will be both unemployed and working at McDonald's.
4. Perez Hilton said today that he wants to replace Simon Cowell as a judge on American Idol. "If they're looking for a new judge on 'American Idol,' I am available," said Hilton. However, it's difficult to say if Hilton can fill the shoes of someone who is famous for no other reason than picking apart people more talented than him.
5. According to new statistics obtained by the Guttmacher Institute, a reproductive-health think tank, U.S. teen pregnancy and abortion rates are both rising. Today in response, U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was heard to exclaim, "Well, I guess we're all even then!" America: Where not moving at all is sometimes progress too!
High five.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Baio-watch
1. Last week the U.S. Supreme Court voted 5-4 to relax campaign finance restrictions for corporations. "Today's decision by the Supreme Court in Citizens United v. FEC, serves as an affirmation of the constitutional rights provided to Americans under the first amendment," said RNC Chairman Michael Steele. This ruling has been brought to you by sweet, sweet Splenda! When you need to swallow a huge pile of bullshit, it's Splenda to the rescue!
2. Actor Scott Baio is under fire for posting an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama to his twitter page with the caption "WOW, he wakes up to this every morning." Twitter users were disappointed, not by the dig at the first lady, but to learn that Scott Baio had not killed himself long ago.
3. On Thursday, a Michigan arms firm agreed to remove Bible references from gun sights that it sells to the U.S. military. Trijicon had until now put references such as JN8:12 and 2COR4:6 on their sights which stood for John 8:12 and 2 Corinthians 4:6 respectively. Government officials say the move wasn't because of any church/state separation issues, but rather because of Al Qaeda's widespread use of new Bible-proof vests.
4. It was announced today in Iraq that Saddam Hussein's former henchman "Chemical Ali" has been hanged. Ali Hassan al-Majid is infamous for ordering a poison gas attack on a northern Iraqi Kurdish village killing 5,000 people. Of course, standing in front of the executed Chemical Ali was the former Iraqi Information Minister who insisted he was just sleeping.
5. After a 21 year ban due to health concerns, the U.S. is finally allowing haggis -- a boiled bag of sheep innards -- to be imported into the country once again. After news of the ban's end, haggis consumption in the U.S. remained at zero. Then people were reminded of what haggis was and consumption in the U.S. quickly dropped to below zero.
High five.
2. Actor Scott Baio is under fire for posting an unflattering picture of Michelle Obama to his twitter page with the caption "WOW, he wakes up to this every morning." Twitter users were disappointed, not by the dig at the first lady, but to learn that Scott Baio had not killed himself long ago.
3. On Thursday, a Michigan arms firm agreed to remove Bible references from gun sights that it sells to the U.S. military. Trijicon had until now put references such as JN8:12 and 2COR4:6 on their sights which stood for John 8:12 and 2 Corinthians 4:6 respectively. Government officials say the move wasn't because of any church/state separation issues, but rather because of Al Qaeda's widespread use of new Bible-proof vests.
4. It was announced today in Iraq that Saddam Hussein's former henchman "Chemical Ali" has been hanged. Ali Hassan al-Majid is infamous for ordering a poison gas attack on a northern Iraqi Kurdish village killing 5,000 people. Of course, standing in front of the executed Chemical Ali was the former Iraqi Information Minister who insisted he was just sleeping.
5. After a 21 year ban due to health concerns, the U.S. is finally allowing haggis -- a boiled bag of sheep innards -- to be imported into the country once again. After news of the ban's end, haggis consumption in the U.S. remained at zero. Then people were reminded of what haggis was and consumption in the U.S. quickly dropped to below zero.
High five.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Democrats Hit With Brown Mass
1. Glenn Beck on Wednesday criticized newly elected senator from Massachusetts Scott Brown for letting the audience know during his victory speech that his two daughters were both available. In unrelated news, telephone companies reported increased outages due to an overload of calls by Jewish and Italian mothers.
2. It's been reported that Fox News' Megyn Kelly will leave America's Newsroom and be given her own show. "I'm thrilled to embark on this new opportunity and look forward to delivering the news during what is shaping up to be one of the most historic news periods of our time," Kelly said. Fox News delivering news? That is historic.
3. NBC Nightly News won in the ratings this week, beating out all other broadcast news during the earthquake relief coverage in Haiti. NBC is also gaining huge ratings in late night as Conan O'Brien and the network near the end of a tumultuous relationship. The network hopes to continue their high ratings into the new year by replacing Carson Daly's Last Call with live uninterrupted footage of a fault line.
4. Based on preliminary research, health experts are warning people about the dangers of sitting for extended periods of time. They point to several studies which show that "people who spend most of their days sitting are more likely to be fat, have a heart attack or even die." You heard the experts: stay standing at all times and never die.
5. According to a new report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league is planning a 12 city tour this summer. The All-American Basketball Alliance wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of "street-ball" played by "people of color," says commissioner Don Lewis. "Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" he adds. Well if the friends who go to basketball games with you weren't worried before, Mr. Lewis, they probably will be now.
High five.
2. It's been reported that Fox News' Megyn Kelly will leave America's Newsroom and be given her own show. "I'm thrilled to embark on this new opportunity and look forward to delivering the news during what is shaping up to be one of the most historic news periods of our time," Kelly said. Fox News delivering news? That is historic.
3. NBC Nightly News won in the ratings this week, beating out all other broadcast news during the earthquake relief coverage in Haiti. NBC is also gaining huge ratings in late night as Conan O'Brien and the network near the end of a tumultuous relationship. The network hopes to continue their high ratings into the new year by replacing Carson Daly's Last Call with live uninterrupted footage of a fault line.
4. Based on preliminary research, health experts are warning people about the dangers of sitting for extended periods of time. They point to several studies which show that "people who spend most of their days sitting are more likely to be fat, have a heart attack or even die." You heard the experts: stay standing at all times and never die.
5. According to a new report in the Augusta Chronicle, a whites-only basketball league is planning a 12 city tour this summer. The All-American Basketball Alliance wants to emphasize fundamental basketball instead of "street-ball" played by "people of color," says commissioner Don Lewis. "Would you want to go to the game and worry about a player flipping you off or attacking you in the stands or grabbing their crotch?" he adds. Well if the friends who go to basketball games with you weren't worried before, Mr. Lewis, they probably will be now.
High five.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The Hills Have Eyes Done
1. According to polling firm Public Policy Polling, John Edwards, once the future of the Democratic Party, is the most unpopular person they've ever polled. Edwards is seen positively by 25% of Democrats, but only 9% of Independents and 3% of Republicans. The firm does say however that Edwards polls very well among his 87 children.
2. Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines is being blasted for landing a luxury ship in Haiti earlier in the week just 60 miles from the earthquake devastation. The company says that while they understand the criticism, they believe they are providing much-needed support to Haiti's economy. Defenders of Royal Caribbean admit that while the company's intentions were good, they might have chosen a better ship to land than the SS Pact With The Devil.
3. A Mount Vernon, OH public school teacher is dividing the small town over the use of the Bible in his science class. John Freshwater has reportedly used the Bible to discuss things like homosexuality and even advised students to use the book for additional science research. Yes, I imagine it is quite helpful for scientific questions like, "When a woman has a discharge of blood, which is her regular discharge from her body, how many days will she be impure and unclean?"
4. In an interview with People magazine, The Hills star Heidi Montag says that while she enjoys getting plastic surgery, it is not an addiction. "If I were addicted, I would have had 10 plastic surgeries," said Montag through her new eye-mouth.
5. Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman said on Tuesday that a defeat in the Massachusetts senate race means the Democratic party needs to become more centrist. "I think voters are anxious about the future and they're unhappy about what's happening in Washington," said Lieberman. Lieberman then introduced a bill to the senate floor which would genetically eliminate mankind's ability to love.
High five.
2. Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines is being blasted for landing a luxury ship in Haiti earlier in the week just 60 miles from the earthquake devastation. The company says that while they understand the criticism, they believe they are providing much-needed support to Haiti's economy. Defenders of Royal Caribbean admit that while the company's intentions were good, they might have chosen a better ship to land than the SS Pact With The Devil.
3. A Mount Vernon, OH public school teacher is dividing the small town over the use of the Bible in his science class. John Freshwater has reportedly used the Bible to discuss things like homosexuality and even advised students to use the book for additional science research. Yes, I imagine it is quite helpful for scientific questions like, "When a woman has a discharge of blood, which is her regular discharge from her body, how many days will she be impure and unclean?"
4. In an interview with People magazine, The Hills star Heidi Montag says that while she enjoys getting plastic surgery, it is not an addiction. "If I were addicted, I would have had 10 plastic surgeries," said Montag through her new eye-mouth.
5. Connecticut senator Joe Lieberman said on Tuesday that a defeat in the Massachusetts senate race means the Democratic party needs to become more centrist. "I think voters are anxious about the future and they're unhappy about what's happening in Washington," said Lieberman. Lieberman then introduced a bill to the senate floor which would genetically eliminate mankind's ability to love.
High five.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
MSNBC Beckons
1. While preparing for his role as a soldier in the film Brothers, Tobey Maguire reportedly lost 20lbs in a month. "I couldn't eat much food and I had to work out a lot," said Maguire. Unfortunately, the 20lbs Maguire lost included the part that allows him to cry without looking like a melting sandwich.
2. The founder of Taco Bell, Glen W. Bell Jr., died at his Rancho Santa Fe home on Sunday at the age of 86. The funeral services will be held this Saturday at 3AM immediately following bar close.
3. Starting in June, tobacco companies will need to turn their formulas over to the FDA for a thorough examination of ingredients. The FDA says it will find out exactly what chemicals are in cigarettes and release a list of the harmful and potentially harmful ingredients in 2011. Until then, we'll just have to take the tobacco companies' word and enjoy these "smooth-tasting health-strengtheners, designed to end global poverty as well as all racial and social prejudices, while bestowing the user with sweet ninja powers."
4. It was reported on Monday that a producer from Glenn Beck's Fox News show has left for rival network MSNBC. The producer left after some alleged friction with Beck's team. This surprises most analysts who thought the show was operated by Beck alone, in his basement, with the help of a custom designed Mouse Trap/Domino Rally-hybrid contraption.
5. On Tuesday, U.S. food conglomerate Kraft Foods and British candy maker Cadbury agreed to $19.5 billion deal which could potentially create the world's largest candy maker. "We have great respect for Cadbury's brands [and] believe they will thrive as part of Kraft Foods," said Kraft's CEO Irene Rosenfield. A morbidly obese America will look back on this date and remember fondly the day that birthed the cheese-filled Cadbury egg.
High five.
2. The founder of Taco Bell, Glen W. Bell Jr., died at his Rancho Santa Fe home on Sunday at the age of 86. The funeral services will be held this Saturday at 3AM immediately following bar close.
3. Starting in June, tobacco companies will need to turn their formulas over to the FDA for a thorough examination of ingredients. The FDA says it will find out exactly what chemicals are in cigarettes and release a list of the harmful and potentially harmful ingredients in 2011. Until then, we'll just have to take the tobacco companies' word and enjoy these "smooth-tasting health-strengtheners, designed to end global poverty as well as all racial and social prejudices, while bestowing the user with sweet ninja powers."
4. It was reported on Monday that a producer from Glenn Beck's Fox News show has left for rival network MSNBC. The producer left after some alleged friction with Beck's team. This surprises most analysts who thought the show was operated by Beck alone, in his basement, with the help of a custom designed Mouse Trap/Domino Rally-hybrid contraption.
5. On Tuesday, U.S. food conglomerate Kraft Foods and British candy maker Cadbury agreed to $19.5 billion deal which could potentially create the world's largest candy maker. "We have great respect for Cadbury's brands [and] believe they will thrive as part of Kraft Foods," said Kraft's CEO Irene Rosenfield. A morbidly obese America will look back on this date and remember fondly the day that birthed the cheese-filled Cadbury egg.
High five.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Wood Sprouts In Sex Rehab Clinic
1. On Thursday, Rush Limbaugh weighed in on the Haiti earthquake disaster relief saying, "We've already donated to Haiti. It's called the U.S. income tax." Analysts say Limbaugh's lack of compassion stems from a failed relief effort last year, when he washed up on shore and no one cared to keep his skin moist.
2. Rumors are circulating around the internet that Tiger Woods is making a substantial donation for earthquake relief in Haiti. "I heard tiger woods donating to send a cargo plane with a mobile hospital out there," Def Jam co-founder Russell Simmons said on Twitter. Sources say Tiger Woods feels somewhat responsible for the quake, adding that we'll know just how responsible 9 months from now.
3. According to government data from 2007-2008 published Wednesday, U.S. obesity rates are still high but they are not rising. The CDC reports that two-thirds of adults and one-third of children are overweight and that this rate has remained stalled for about five years after steadily climbing. It's actually come to this: we've become so fat even our obesity rates can't climb anymore.
4. A new report on Friday says that Tiger Woods is rumored to be getting treatment for sex addiction at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Mississippi. Sources from within the rehab clinic have identified Woods and reported an increased security presence. Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services: where our motto is, "Gosh, they've sure been in that bathroom a long time."
5. Scientists confirmed this month that an ancient inscription discovered a year ago is the oldest Hebrew writing ever found, dating back to the 10th century BC. Researchers believe this may mean parts of the Bible were written much earlier than previously thought. But don't worry, Creationists, 3,000 years ago means they still rode dinosaurs.
High five.
2. Rumors are circulating around the internet that Tiger Woods is making a substantial donation for earthquake relief in Haiti. "I heard tiger woods donating to send a cargo plane with a mobile hospital out there," Def Jam co-founder Russell Simmons said on Twitter. Sources say Tiger Woods feels somewhat responsible for the quake, adding that we'll know just how responsible 9 months from now.
3. According to government data from 2007-2008 published Wednesday, U.S. obesity rates are still high but they are not rising. The CDC reports that two-thirds of adults and one-third of children are overweight and that this rate has remained stalled for about five years after steadily climbing. It's actually come to this: we've become so fat even our obesity rates can't climb anymore.
4. A new report on Friday says that Tiger Woods is rumored to be getting treatment for sex addiction at Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services in Mississippi. Sources from within the rehab clinic have identified Woods and reported an increased security presence. Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addiction Services: where our motto is, "Gosh, they've sure been in that bathroom a long time."
5. Scientists confirmed this month that an ancient inscription discovered a year ago is the oldest Hebrew writing ever found, dating back to the 10th century BC. Researchers believe this may mean parts of the Bible were written much earlier than previously thought. But don't worry, Creationists, 3,000 years ago means they still rode dinosaurs.
High five.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Pat With The Devil
1. It's been announced that the fourth Spider-Man film, directed by Sam Raimi and starring Tobey Maguire, has been canceled. The series will instead be rebooted in 2012 with a new cast and new director, putting Peter Parker back in high school. Madonna is set to advise on the 2012 film, not because of her ability to reinvent, but rather her sinewy, spider arms.
2. Michael C. Hall, star of Dexter, a show about a police department blood splatter analyst who moonlights as a serial killer, announced today that he is being treated for cancer. Hall has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a cancer which attacks the lymphatic system. At least, that's what he's letting the cancer think, before he sneaks up in the dark and kills it with a kitchen knife.
3. On Monday, retired homerun champ Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during a teary interview on the MLB Network. "I hope to get past this and focus on my new career as a coach," said McGwire. But not before his 'roid tears killed seven.
4. Last week in Mexico's drug war, a victim's face was found peeled from his skull and sewn into a soccer ball. Mexico has in recent years had a exponential increase in drug violence with 6,500 drug related murders in 2009 alone. One thing is certain though: there were no hands found near the soccer ball face, so clearly the Mexicans are still masters of the game.
5. On Wednesday, Pat Robertson said on his show that a "pact with the devil" was the reason for the recent Haiti earthquake. "They were under the heel of the French. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal," said Robertson. It's not too surprising that Robertson would know so much about the devil since they reportedly both, for different reasons, have summer houses near God's asshole.
High five.
2. Michael C. Hall, star of Dexter, a show about a police department blood splatter analyst who moonlights as a serial killer, announced today that he is being treated for cancer. Hall has been diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma, a cancer which attacks the lymphatic system. At least, that's what he's letting the cancer think, before he sneaks up in the dark and kills it with a kitchen knife.
3. On Monday, retired homerun champ Mark McGwire admitted to using steroids during a teary interview on the MLB Network. "I hope to get past this and focus on my new career as a coach," said McGwire. But not before his 'roid tears killed seven.
4. Last week in Mexico's drug war, a victim's face was found peeled from his skull and sewn into a soccer ball. Mexico has in recent years had a exponential increase in drug violence with 6,500 drug related murders in 2009 alone. One thing is certain though: there were no hands found near the soccer ball face, so clearly the Mexicans are still masters of the game.
5. On Wednesday, Pat Robertson said on his show that a "pact with the devil" was the reason for the recent Haiti earthquake. "They were under the heel of the French. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal," said Robertson. It's not too surprising that Robertson would know so much about the devil since they reportedly both, for different reasons, have summer houses near God's asshole.
High five.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Bill Or Ted's?
1. A Canadian woman's claim that Keanu Reeves is the father of her children was thrown out of court Thursday after the judge called the paternity suit "incredible." Karen Sala says she and Reeves had a sexual relationship and lived together, but Reeves denies even meeting the woman. DNA test results prove Reeves is not the father, but Sala says Reeves probably used hypnosis to affect the results. See kids, despite how cool your friends say it is, it's not okay to watch The Matrix after eating a duffel bag full of Absinthe-soaked mushrooms.
2. The New Jersey Senate today defeated a gay marriage bill 20-14 making gay marriage legislation in the state very unlikely in the coming year. New Republican governor Chris Christie takes office later this month and has vowed to veto any such measure for her state. And tonight on MTV's Jersey Shore, the boys hit the tanning beds, spend the day shopping for clothes, then it's off to the salon!
3. Thursday on his radio show Glenn Beck criticized using the term "African American," calling it PC and not a race. "Either your family was brought over through the slave trade or you were born here and your family emigrated here or whatever but that is not a race," said Beck. Glenn Beck: Eliminating neighborhoods he can safely drive through one show at a time!
4. Joe Lieberman's approval rating in Connecticut has reportedly been in a landslide according to a new poll. Senator Lieberman was given bad marks by 67% of his constituents, including 80% of Democrats, 48% of Republicans, and 61% of Independents. Today in response, Lieberman introduced legislation to the Senate banning smiles and cuddliness.
5. Ford showed off their new dashboard gadget at the Consumer Electronics Show on Thursday touting the devices wide range of features. The dashboard allows car owners to use Twitter, listen to internet radio, and get free turn by turn directions, all through either a touch screen or voice command. However, critics question some features of the new Ford dashboard, including what it calls the "latest in pink-slip printing technology. "
High five.
2. The New Jersey Senate today defeated a gay marriage bill 20-14 making gay marriage legislation in the state very unlikely in the coming year. New Republican governor Chris Christie takes office later this month and has vowed to veto any such measure for her state. And tonight on MTV's Jersey Shore, the boys hit the tanning beds, spend the day shopping for clothes, then it's off to the salon!
3. Thursday on his radio show Glenn Beck criticized using the term "African American," calling it PC and not a race. "Either your family was brought over through the slave trade or you were born here and your family emigrated here or whatever but that is not a race," said Beck. Glenn Beck: Eliminating neighborhoods he can safely drive through one show at a time!
4. Joe Lieberman's approval rating in Connecticut has reportedly been in a landslide according to a new poll. Senator Lieberman was given bad marks by 67% of his constituents, including 80% of Democrats, 48% of Republicans, and 61% of Independents. Today in response, Lieberman introduced legislation to the Senate banning smiles and cuddliness.
5. Ford showed off their new dashboard gadget at the Consumer Electronics Show on Thursday touting the devices wide range of features. The dashboard allows car owners to use Twitter, listen to internet radio, and get free turn by turn directions, all through either a touch screen or voice command. However, critics question some features of the new Ford dashboard, including what it calls the "latest in pink-slip printing technology. "
High five.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
#2 With A Coke
1. A recent investigation shows that stores like Walmart and H&M have been discarding unsold clothes rather than donating them to the needy during this particularly cold winter. Reporters found mounds of clothes strewn about in piles, most slashed to deter people from wearing them. Reporters then realized that they were actually in a Walmart clothes section.
2. A team of microbiologists from Hollins University have published findings in the International Journal of Food Microbiology which says that nearly 50% of soda fountains they tested contained fecal bacteria. The scientists studied 90 beverages from 30 different soda fountains. And today, Coca-Cola mysteriously announced the introduction of Crystal Clear Coke.
3. Police are searching for a Kansas City woman who threw a tantrum at a McDonald's after being refused a refund for a burger she did not like. The woman knocked over cash registers and threw displays causing thousands of dollars in damage. The manager of the McDonald's said that they aren't granting refunds as often because of the tough economy, and it's also the reason they've switched to the less popular Grimace meat.
4. A Lawndale, CA city councilman is arguing against the removal of some smelly garlic plants planted along roads because he says they keep the vampires out of town. Council members say it will cost roughly $35,000 in taxpayer money to remove the plants. Hmm, if only there were some plant widely available in California that could be planted instead and sold for immense profit... perhaps the vampire-seeing city councilman knows of one.
5. A South Carolina Salvation Army came up short on funds this holiday season after a $25,000 donation check turned out to be fake. The area Salvation Army spent money on nearly 100 families assuming the check would clear. In future news, upon his death, one South Carolina resident was shocked and horrified to discover fake pearly gates to Hell.
High five.
2. A team of microbiologists from Hollins University have published findings in the International Journal of Food Microbiology which says that nearly 50% of soda fountains they tested contained fecal bacteria. The scientists studied 90 beverages from 30 different soda fountains. And today, Coca-Cola mysteriously announced the introduction of Crystal Clear Coke.
3. Police are searching for a Kansas City woman who threw a tantrum at a McDonald's after being refused a refund for a burger she did not like. The woman knocked over cash registers and threw displays causing thousands of dollars in damage. The manager of the McDonald's said that they aren't granting refunds as often because of the tough economy, and it's also the reason they've switched to the less popular Grimace meat.
4. A Lawndale, CA city councilman is arguing against the removal of some smelly garlic plants planted along roads because he says they keep the vampires out of town. Council members say it will cost roughly $35,000 in taxpayer money to remove the plants. Hmm, if only there were some plant widely available in California that could be planted instead and sold for immense profit... perhaps the vampire-seeing city councilman knows of one.
5. A South Carolina Salvation Army came up short on funds this holiday season after a $25,000 donation check turned out to be fake. The area Salvation Army spent money on nearly 100 families assuming the check would clear. In future news, upon his death, one South Carolina resident was shocked and horrified to discover fake pearly gates to Hell.
High five.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
In Vitro In 3D
1. President Obama told the nation on Tuesday that the government had enough intelligence to thwart the unsuccessful Christmas Day bombing in Detroit, but failed to connect the dots. "Intelligence was not fully analyzed or leveraged," said Obama. Intelligence officials say under George W. Bush this may never have happen since he was so good at connecting dots. It's the color by numbers that gave him trouble.
2. At the Consumer Electronics Show this weekend both Sony and DirectTV showed off their new 3D channels, though the market doesn't even yet offer 3D TVs. Both companies promise mind blowing visuals, but experts say consumers will be surprised by the new payment process, whereby providers come out of the screen and take your wallet.
3. ESPN says they will join the upcoming 3D programming revolution with their own 3D channel which will broadcast about 85 live sporting events in its first year. ESPN has not decided what types of sports they will cover in 3D, but warns that unruly or taunting basketball fans may be punched on their couch by Ron Artest.
4. On Tuesday, octuplets mother Nadya Suleman defended the fertility doctor who helped her conceive 14 children in all. Dr. Michael Kamrava is currently being accused by the California Medical Board of gross negligence, but Suleman says he did "absolutely nothing wrong." Kamrava, however, needed very little defense today as he exited his Beverly Hills home guarded by 1,000 armed, baby soldiers.
5. Religious groups are outraged by the appointment of the first ever transgender Presidential appointee, Amanda Simpson, named senior technical adviser for the Commerce Department. "The transgender thing doesn't play well with millions of conservative Evangelicals," said David Brody of the Christian Broadcasting Network. Funny coming from the believer of a God that is neither male nor female.
High five.
2. At the Consumer Electronics Show this weekend both Sony and DirectTV showed off their new 3D channels, though the market doesn't even yet offer 3D TVs. Both companies promise mind blowing visuals, but experts say consumers will be surprised by the new payment process, whereby providers come out of the screen and take your wallet.
3. ESPN says they will join the upcoming 3D programming revolution with their own 3D channel which will broadcast about 85 live sporting events in its first year. ESPN has not decided what types of sports they will cover in 3D, but warns that unruly or taunting basketball fans may be punched on their couch by Ron Artest.
4. On Tuesday, octuplets mother Nadya Suleman defended the fertility doctor who helped her conceive 14 children in all. Dr. Michael Kamrava is currently being accused by the California Medical Board of gross negligence, but Suleman says he did "absolutely nothing wrong." Kamrava, however, needed very little defense today as he exited his Beverly Hills home guarded by 1,000 armed, baby soldiers.
5. Religious groups are outraged by the appointment of the first ever transgender Presidential appointee, Amanda Simpson, named senior technical adviser for the Commerce Department. "The transgender thing doesn't play well with millions of conservative Evangelicals," said David Brody of the Christian Broadcasting Network. Funny coming from the believer of a God that is neither male nor female.
High five.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Boy Almost Dies & Rush Limbaugh Won't
1. This weekend a British Columbia family's golden retriever saved the life of their 11 year old boy after he was attacked by a cougar. The boy had reportedly been fetching firewood when the cougar charged him, and the family dog fought off the cougar until police arrived. The boy and the dog are okay, but authorities are still unsure why Demi Moore was roaming the Canadian wilderness.
2. On his radio program Monday, Glenn Beck tried clearing up rumors that he had died in a plane crash over the weekend. Business partners phoned Beck to ask him if he was alive after news organizations reported his death. Analysts say a zombie Beck might attract even more regular viewers to his show as they search for brains together.
3. On Friday, Rush Limbaugh announced that despite being admitted to the hospital with chest pains days earlier, tests show no heart problems. Limbaugh says the pain was real and believes it might have been caused by a spasm in his artery. Later that night, a quiet Death returned home to Mrs. Death and a much needed pep talk.
4. Newark, NJ mayor Corey Booker answered a citizen's plea to get their 65 year old father's driveway shoveled by going to the house and shoveling it himself. Booker was contacted via Twitter and showed up at the man's door in twenty minutes. In other news, Joe Lieberman has introduced legislation to cover all driveways of the elderly with thick, thick ice.
5. Australian researchers have found the remains of a plane that dates back to 1911 and is considered to be the first plane ever taken to Antarctica. The researchers discover metal pieces of the craft on New Year's Day after searching for three years. And American Airlines held a press conference today welcoming the plane into their fleet.
High five.
2. On his radio program Monday, Glenn Beck tried clearing up rumors that he had died in a plane crash over the weekend. Business partners phoned Beck to ask him if he was alive after news organizations reported his death. Analysts say a zombie Beck might attract even more regular viewers to his show as they search for brains together.
3. On Friday, Rush Limbaugh announced that despite being admitted to the hospital with chest pains days earlier, tests show no heart problems. Limbaugh says the pain was real and believes it might have been caused by a spasm in his artery. Later that night, a quiet Death returned home to Mrs. Death and a much needed pep talk.
4. Newark, NJ mayor Corey Booker answered a citizen's plea to get their 65 year old father's driveway shoveled by going to the house and shoveling it himself. Booker was contacted via Twitter and showed up at the man's door in twenty minutes. In other news, Joe Lieberman has introduced legislation to cover all driveways of the elderly with thick, thick ice.
5. Australian researchers have found the remains of a plane that dates back to 1911 and is considered to be the first plane ever taken to Antarctica. The researchers discover metal pieces of the craft on New Year's Day after searching for three years. And American Airlines held a press conference today welcoming the plane into their fleet.
High five.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Five Jokes By Santa Claus
1. What's the most difficult part for Santa when giving the women of the house their present on Christmas Eve? Not waking their husbands as they wrap Santa's package. Ho ho ho!
2. Why does Santa need the women of the house to wrap his package when he visits on Christmas Eve? Well, Santa doesn't need to contract the gift that keeps on giving. Ho ho ho!
3. What's the worst thing about sex with Rudolph? He never does it with the light on. Ho ho ho!
4. My short little elves love living with me, but they hate my mistletoe belt. Ho ho ho!
5. What's the hardest part about ignoring a drunk dial from Santa? He knows when you're awake. Ho ho ho!
BONUS JOKE
What do the reindeer yell when flying Santa over three women in a red light district? "Whores!" Ho ho ho... Oh, I kid.
Ho five.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
God Hates Gaga & Palin Loves Crazy
1. Reverend Fred Phelps from Kansas declared in a press release today that "God Hates Lady Gaga." The very holy man went on to call Gaga a "proud whore" and a "simple slut." Reverend Phelps, are you forgetting that Mary was the one with two baby daddies?
2. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin revived her use of the "death panel" argument when she spoke to her followers. "Merged bill may b unrecognizable from what assumed was a done deal:R death panels back in?what's punishment 4not purchasing mandated HC?" said the former Alaskan Governor. This wasn't taken from Palin's twitter account, but rather the transcript from a live speaking engagement.
3. 35 year old Kristy Lee Roshia is being held in federal custody after threatening to hurt members of the first family during their visit to Hawaii later this week. Authorities confirmed that Roshia has a history of leaving crazy messages to the Secret Service. "Although [my] mission is to assassinate the president, [I have] no desire to hurt him," said Roshia in 2004. Ah, yes of course, the very effective "assassination by pleasure." Well planned, Sarah Connor.
4. A fugitive who recently escaped from an eastern England prison reportedly continues to update his Facebook page while still on the run, posting about everything from his meals to who he's going to be dating next. "Is thinkin, which lucky girl will be my first of 2010!!" said Lynch. Well, I hope your hands have girl names.
5. On Tuesday Spanish police seized a ship 200 miles off the Iberian coast hauling more than 1.5 tons of cocaine. Authorities reached the 150-foot ship's location in about 3 hours, but made the trip back in about 20 minutes.
High five.
2. On Wednesday, Sarah Palin revived her use of the "death panel" argument when she spoke to her followers. "Merged bill may b unrecognizable from what assumed was a done deal:R death panels back in?what's punishment 4not purchasing mandated HC?" said the former Alaskan Governor. This wasn't taken from Palin's twitter account, but rather the transcript from a live speaking engagement.
3. 35 year old Kristy Lee Roshia is being held in federal custody after threatening to hurt members of the first family during their visit to Hawaii later this week. Authorities confirmed that Roshia has a history of leaving crazy messages to the Secret Service. "Although [my] mission is to assassinate the president, [I have] no desire to hurt him," said Roshia in 2004. Ah, yes of course, the very effective "assassination by pleasure." Well planned, Sarah Connor.
4. A fugitive who recently escaped from an eastern England prison reportedly continues to update his Facebook page while still on the run, posting about everything from his meals to who he's going to be dating next. "Is thinkin, which lucky girl will be my first of 2010!!" said Lynch. Well, I hope your hands have girl names.
5. On Tuesday Spanish police seized a ship 200 miles off the Iberian coast hauling more than 1.5 tons of cocaine. Authorities reached the 150-foot ship's location in about 3 hours, but made the trip back in about 20 minutes.
High five.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Parker Drives Off & Will.He.Is Homeless
1. Prince William is spending Tuesday night out on the street in support of London's homeless charity Centrepoint, for which he has been a spokesman since 2005. "Mental illness, drug and alcohol dependancy and family breakdown" are just some of the things the homeless deal with, said the prince. In other words, Prince William felt like he was right back in the palace.
2. Conservative Alabama House Democrat Rep. Parker Griffith announced that he will be switching over to the Republicans before the upcoming midterm elections. Griffith has voted against most major Democratic legislation and GOP leaders have reportedly been trying to recruit him for sometime. Though an embarrassing moment occurred today when GOP leaders discovered Griffith is already a registered Republican, but in accordance with Alabama state law, never learned to read.
3. On Tuesday, Darth Vader and a handful of stormtroopers rang the bell to open the New York Stock Exchange. Also in attendance were Lucasfilm Ltd. representatives as well as RD-D2. It's at that moment in their Wyoming home that Lynne Cheney realizes Dick's "run to the store" has been taking an awfully long time.
4. A Brazilian chief justice has ordered a 9 year old boy to be legally turned over to his New Jersey father who has been fighting for his custody over the last 5 years. David Goldman was ecstatic when he heard his son Sean would be returned to him in the U.S. However, in future news, an 18 year old Sean Goldman vows never to speak to his father again after paging through a "Women of Brazil" calendar.
5. Actor Arnold Stang, known for his roles alongside stars like Milton Berle and Frank Sinatra, died Tuesday at the age of 91. Stang is most remembered for playing nerdy characters with nasally voices. The wake will be held Thursday followed by one final atomic wedgie.
High five.
2. Conservative Alabama House Democrat Rep. Parker Griffith announced that he will be switching over to the Republicans before the upcoming midterm elections. Griffith has voted against most major Democratic legislation and GOP leaders have reportedly been trying to recruit him for sometime. Though an embarrassing moment occurred today when GOP leaders discovered Griffith is already a registered Republican, but in accordance with Alabama state law, never learned to read.
3. On Tuesday, Darth Vader and a handful of stormtroopers rang the bell to open the New York Stock Exchange. Also in attendance were Lucasfilm Ltd. representatives as well as RD-D2. It's at that moment in their Wyoming home that Lynne Cheney realizes Dick's "run to the store" has been taking an awfully long time.
4. A Brazilian chief justice has ordered a 9 year old boy to be legally turned over to his New Jersey father who has been fighting for his custody over the last 5 years. David Goldman was ecstatic when he heard his son Sean would be returned to him in the U.S. However, in future news, an 18 year old Sean Goldman vows never to speak to his father again after paging through a "Women of Brazil" calendar.
5. Actor Arnold Stang, known for his roles alongside stars like Milton Berle and Frank Sinatra, died Tuesday at the age of 91. Stang is most remembered for playing nerdy characters with nasally voices. The wake will be held Thursday followed by one final atomic wedgie.
High five.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Jesus In Tha House & Army Of One-ing For Two
1. U.S. and Canadian researchers have discovered what facial measurements people consider the most attractive. In a series of experiments, participants were shown various photos of female faces, and all participants chose faces that fit a golden ratio, the optimum distance from the hairline to the top of the mouth and the horizontal distance between the eyes. However, researchers say there are "easy ways to trick beholders into thinking a woman's face is maximally attractive." For instance, boobs.
2. With the votes all but shored up in the senate, President Obama is praising the health care bill as it comes closer to passing. Obama cheered the health care bill adding that it will make a "tremendous difference for families, for seniors, for businesses and for the country as a whole." When asked if he would sign the bill when it came to his desk, Obama said, "Oh yeah, I'll totally sign whatever it is that this thing does."
3. Archaeologists in the city of Nazareth, Jerusalem have uncovered a house that appears to be from the era of Jesus Christ. Scientists believe the house was lived in by Jews based on the presence of chalk which Jewish households of that time used to maintain purity of food and water. Also indicative of the time period was a kid's JWA poster which read, "Fuck tha Romans!"
4. On Monday, U.S. General Anthony Cucolo in Iraq said that soldiers who get pregnant or impregnate a fellow soldier may face court-martial. "Anyone who leaves this fight earlier than the expected 12-month deployment creates a burden on their teammates," says Cucolo. So, remember that, guys. You're not just screwing a female soldier, you're screwing America.
5. In his new book, a professor at Duquesne University Law School says that Osama Bin Laden once tried to have former President Bill Clinton assassinated during an economic forum in the Philippines. The story has never before been reported but was recounted by a former director of the Secret Service. Unfortunately for Bin Laden, none of his assassins could get close enough to Clinton, which is why Bin Laden terrorist schools now include blow job classes.
High five.
2. With the votes all but shored up in the senate, President Obama is praising the health care bill as it comes closer to passing. Obama cheered the health care bill adding that it will make a "tremendous difference for families, for seniors, for businesses and for the country as a whole." When asked if he would sign the bill when it came to his desk, Obama said, "Oh yeah, I'll totally sign whatever it is that this thing does."
3. Archaeologists in the city of Nazareth, Jerusalem have uncovered a house that appears to be from the era of Jesus Christ. Scientists believe the house was lived in by Jews based on the presence of chalk which Jewish households of that time used to maintain purity of food and water. Also indicative of the time period was a kid's JWA poster which read, "Fuck tha Romans!"
4. On Monday, U.S. General Anthony Cucolo in Iraq said that soldiers who get pregnant or impregnate a fellow soldier may face court-martial. "Anyone who leaves this fight earlier than the expected 12-month deployment creates a burden on their teammates," says Cucolo. So, remember that, guys. You're not just screwing a female soldier, you're screwing America.
5. In his new book, a professor at Duquesne University Law School says that Osama Bin Laden once tried to have former President Bill Clinton assassinated during an economic forum in the Philippines. The story has never before been reported but was recounted by a former director of the Secret Service. Unfortunately for Bin Laden, none of his assassins could get close enough to Clinton, which is why Bin Laden terrorist schools now include blow job classes.
High five.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Palin ad Visor & Woods' Wife Wiser
1. It's been reported that Elin Nordegren is getting a divorce from husband Tiger Woods. Today Woods signed the first of many giant, novelty first place checks over to her.
2. A new study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project shows that 15% of teens admit to "sexting," sending nude images via text message. But analysts urge parents not to blame cell phones. "Blaming the technology is like blaming an automobile for drunk driving," says Bill Albert of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Yeah? Tell that to KITT. I believe you, David Hasselhoff. I believe you.
3. Sarah Palin is apologizing today after photos surfaced of her wearing a McCain campaign visor with the logo blacked out. Palin says she was simply trying to remain incognito while vacationing in Hawaii and still supports McCain 100%. Though according to Fox News data, it's more like 570%.
4. US military officials today say that Iraqi insurgents have hacked into the live video feed of their remote control drones. Today, Apple released a statement apologizing for the hack, saying, "We never thought this would be the application of our new line of Macs powered by stoning adulterers."
5. According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, joblessness in America is causing major trauma on US families. Half of those polled are suffering anxiety or depression and "4 in 10 parents have noticed behavioral changes in their children that they attribute to their difficulties in finding work." You know the economy's bad when even sweat shops are laying off children.
High five.
2. A new study by the Pew Internet & American Life Project shows that 15% of teens admit to "sexting," sending nude images via text message. But analysts urge parents not to blame cell phones. "Blaming the technology is like blaming an automobile for drunk driving," says Bill Albert of the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Yeah? Tell that to KITT. I believe you, David Hasselhoff. I believe you.
3. Sarah Palin is apologizing today after photos surfaced of her wearing a McCain campaign visor with the logo blacked out. Palin says she was simply trying to remain incognito while vacationing in Hawaii and still supports McCain 100%. Though according to Fox News data, it's more like 570%.
4. US military officials today say that Iraqi insurgents have hacked into the live video feed of their remote control drones. Today, Apple released a statement apologizing for the hack, saying, "We never thought this would be the application of our new line of Macs powered by stoning adulterers."
5. According to a New York Times/CBS News poll, joblessness in America is causing major trauma on US families. Half of those polled are suffering anxiety or depression and "4 in 10 parents have noticed behavioral changes in their children that they attribute to their difficulties in finding work." You know the economy's bad when even sweat shops are laying off children.
High five.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Tiger Woods Still Ahead & Toby Keith Still An Ass
1. On Wednesday, Tiger Woods was voted the top athlete of the decade, beating talents such as Lance Armstrong, Roger Federer and Michael Phelps. Woods' 56 PGA Tour victories in this decade are more than the greatest golfers have won in their entire career. Still, many critics believe the results have been skewed by having just female porn stars vote.
2. This week, Detroit's mayor is reporting that the city's unemployment is close to a shocking 50%. City leaders say officially the unemployment is at 30%, but that the Bureau of Labor Statistics does not include part time workers seeking full time or people who have given up job searching all together. Mayor Dave Bing also adds that the figure shoots up to 70% if you include those in Eminem's posse.
3. Toby Keith is being criticized for making a racist gesture during a Nobel Peace Prize concert in Norway where he performed the song Rapper's Delight with Will Smith. When the two got to the word "yellow" in the lyrics, Keith was seen pulling his eyes back. In related news, this story's original reporter accidentally included the phrases "Nobel Peace Prize" and "Toby Keith" in the same sentence causing her head to explode.
4. On Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week, cast members from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" recreated the story of Christmas, acting as the three wise men. Visiting the stable where Jesus was lying, the three brought with them gold, frankincense, and embarrassing sadness.
5. On Saturday, an elderly couple, after being together for nearly 59 years, died just moments apart in their Florida nursing home. Lolie Bracken passed away early in the afternoon and her husband James a mere minutes later. When nurses discovered James had died, they found an open journal near him which read, "At long last! Sweet bachelor freed--"
High five.
2. This week, Detroit's mayor is reporting that the city's unemployment is close to a shocking 50%. City leaders say officially the unemployment is at 30%, but that the Bureau of Labor Statistics does not include part time workers seeking full time or people who have given up job searching all together. Mayor Dave Bing also adds that the figure shoots up to 70% if you include those in Eminem's posse.
3. Toby Keith is being criticized for making a racist gesture during a Nobel Peace Prize concert in Norway where he performed the song Rapper's Delight with Will Smith. When the two got to the word "yellow" in the lyrics, Keith was seen pulling his eyes back. In related news, this story's original reporter accidentally included the phrases "Nobel Peace Prize" and "Toby Keith" in the same sentence causing her head to explode.
4. On Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week, cast members from the MTV show "Jersey Shore" recreated the story of Christmas, acting as the three wise men. Visiting the stable where Jesus was lying, the three brought with them gold, frankincense, and embarrassing sadness.
5. On Saturday, an elderly couple, after being together for nearly 59 years, died just moments apart in their Florida nursing home. Lolie Bracken passed away early in the afternoon and her husband James a mere minutes later. When nurses discovered James had died, they found an open journal near him which read, "At long last! Sweet bachelor freed--"
High five.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Peepholes & Assholes
1. Kourtney Kardasian gave birth Monday to a healthy baby boy. Mason Dash Disick was born in a L.A. hospital weighing in at 7 pounds, 6 ounces. Of course, minus butt weight, the baby is 6 ounces.
2. In an interview with the New York Times Tuesday, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman said that Liberal enthusiasm for the Medicare buy-in legislation convinced him that opposing the measure was the right thing to do. In a press release Tuesday night, Liberals said they are extremely happy that Senator Lieberman is alive and well and that their enthusiasm would be crushed if he were to hang himself in his office.
3. Tiger Woods is now reportedly being linked to a sports medicine doctor who is under investigation for dealing in illegal drugs. Dr. Anthony Galea says he visited the Woods' home this year while the golfer was recovering from a knee injury. On Tuesday, Galea appeared on Good Morning America to tell viewers that Tiger was a sensual and very well endowed lover.
4. At a UN climate conference Tuesday, former Vice President Al Gore said that based on new computer modeling, the Arctic Ocean could be ice-free by as soon as 2014. "We can still do something about it," said Gore. "The ice is not gone yet." Gore then reached to the nearest reporters face, pulled away as if holding something, and added, "Not like your nose, which is now gone."
5. On Tuesday, ESPN reporter Erin Andrews appeared in court with the man accused of stalking her and secretly video taping her through a peephole in her hotel room. In other news, a hot, steamy video has been released showing sexy ESPN reporter Erin Andrews through a peephole at an unidentified court proceeding.
High five.
2. In an interview with the New York Times Tuesday, Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman said that Liberal enthusiasm for the Medicare buy-in legislation convinced him that opposing the measure was the right thing to do. In a press release Tuesday night, Liberals said they are extremely happy that Senator Lieberman is alive and well and that their enthusiasm would be crushed if he were to hang himself in his office.
3. Tiger Woods is now reportedly being linked to a sports medicine doctor who is under investigation for dealing in illegal drugs. Dr. Anthony Galea says he visited the Woods' home this year while the golfer was recovering from a knee injury. On Tuesday, Galea appeared on Good Morning America to tell viewers that Tiger was a sensual and very well endowed lover.
4. At a UN climate conference Tuesday, former Vice President Al Gore said that based on new computer modeling, the Arctic Ocean could be ice-free by as soon as 2014. "We can still do something about it," said Gore. "The ice is not gone yet." Gore then reached to the nearest reporters face, pulled away as if holding something, and added, "Not like your nose, which is now gone."
5. On Tuesday, ESPN reporter Erin Andrews appeared in court with the man accused of stalking her and secretly video taping her through a peephole in her hotel room. In other news, a hot, steamy video has been released showing sexy ESPN reporter Erin Andrews through a peephole at an unidentified court proceeding.
High five.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Out Of Brown & Not Out Of Woods
1. Author Stephen King and his wife will donate $13,000 so that 150 soldiers from Maine's National Guard, stationed in Indiana, can take a bus home for the holidays. The bus ride will be split into an 8 part series, take over 2 months to complete, and at some point feature a man-child.
2. 98 year old Massachusetts woman Laura Lundquist is being indicted in the killing of her 100 year old nursing home roommate. Elizabeth Barrow was found dead with a plastic bag tied around her head on September 24. Authorities believe Lundquist may have been under the influence of something, given the unsnorted lines of Metamucil on their coffee table.
3. Global consulting firm Accenture Ltd. has decided to end its relationship with Tiger Woods in the wake of a media storm concerning Woods' marital infidelity. Accenture recently featured Woods in an ad with the slogan, "The road to high performance isn't always paved." Of course, most girls now know that Woods performs much better when they are unpaved.
4. Anger management's prize pupil Chris Brown unloaded on retailers who wouldn't stock his new CD Graffiti. "JUST WAS AT WALMART in wallingford, CT... they didn't even have my album in the back... not on shelves, saw for myself," said Brown via Twitter. Walmart was seen recently with a bruise under one eye, and nude pictures of the retail chain are circulating the web.
5. On Oprah's special Christmas at the White House, when asked what grade he would give himself, Obama said he would grade what he's done so far with a B+. Oprah then checked to make sure that the B had not been changed from an F, adding, "Like a previous President who shall go unnamed."
High five.
2. 98 year old Massachusetts woman Laura Lundquist is being indicted in the killing of her 100 year old nursing home roommate. Elizabeth Barrow was found dead with a plastic bag tied around her head on September 24. Authorities believe Lundquist may have been under the influence of something, given the unsnorted lines of Metamucil on their coffee table.
3. Global consulting firm Accenture Ltd. has decided to end its relationship with Tiger Woods in the wake of a media storm concerning Woods' marital infidelity. Accenture recently featured Woods in an ad with the slogan, "The road to high performance isn't always paved." Of course, most girls now know that Woods performs much better when they are unpaved.
4. Anger management's prize pupil Chris Brown unloaded on retailers who wouldn't stock his new CD Graffiti. "JUST WAS AT WALMART in wallingford, CT... they didn't even have my album in the back... not on shelves, saw for myself," said Brown via Twitter. Walmart was seen recently with a bruise under one eye, and nude pictures of the retail chain are circulating the web.
5. On Oprah's special Christmas at the White House, when asked what grade he would give himself, Obama said he would grade what he's done so far with a B+. Oprah then checked to make sure that the B had not been changed from an F, adding, "Like a previous President who shall go unnamed."
High five.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
PGA Bandwagon & Al Goring Palin
1. PGA players are jumping in on the Tiger Woods debate, criticizing the golfer for being "a phony." Golfer Ben Crane said of Woods, "He can't retain the squeaky-clean endorsement deal any longer," while golfer Charles Warren stated he thinks Wood's wife should leave him. Wow, PGA players: courageously taking the popular stand for a slighted woman... unless of course she wants to hit from the same tee they do.
2. A review this week of Barnes & Nobles e-reader the Nook called the contraption "a mess," citing issues such as slow screens and its inability to show color. Yes, God forbid you take the time to read a book let alone one without pictures and pretty colors.
3. It's been discovered that Men's Health magazine's most recent issue reused the cover from a previous issue from 2007. The magazine recycles lines like "Six-Pack Abs," "Dress For More Sex," and "Eat Better, Think Smarter." The most telling sign though was the headline "Tiger Woods Voted Most Gentlemanly Monogamous Man Of All Time."
4. An atheist man who was elected to city council in North Carolina is facing resistance today as opponents say under state law he cannot hold political office. Not the state law which bars people who deny the existence of God from holding office, but rather the one which doesn't allow "book learners."
5. While on the Laura Ingraham show Thursday, Sarah Palin said climate change believers try to make something out of nothing. When asked if she would ever debate Al Gore, Palin said Gore probably wouldn't want to lower himself to the level of "little old Sarah Palin from Wasilla." Well, he probably just wants to stay on high ground for when Wasilla, AK is underwater in 25 years.
High five.
2. A review this week of Barnes & Nobles e-reader the Nook called the contraption "a mess," citing issues such as slow screens and its inability to show color. Yes, God forbid you take the time to read a book let alone one without pictures and pretty colors.
3. It's been discovered that Men's Health magazine's most recent issue reused the cover from a previous issue from 2007. The magazine recycles lines like "Six-Pack Abs," "Dress For More Sex," and "Eat Better, Think Smarter." The most telling sign though was the headline "Tiger Woods Voted Most Gentlemanly Monogamous Man Of All Time."
4. An atheist man who was elected to city council in North Carolina is facing resistance today as opponents say under state law he cannot hold political office. Not the state law which bars people who deny the existence of God from holding office, but rather the one which doesn't allow "book learners."
5. While on the Laura Ingraham show Thursday, Sarah Palin said climate change believers try to make something out of nothing. When asked if she would ever debate Al Gore, Palin said Gore probably wouldn't want to lower himself to the level of "little old Sarah Palin from Wasilla." Well, he probably just wants to stay on high ground for when Wasilla, AK is underwater in 25 years.
High five.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Perez Hilton & Other Canzerous Colons
1. Radio host and Fox News personality Glenn Beck is being criticized by some as having a conflict of interest over one of his sponsors. Critics say Beck regularly touts the advantages of the gold market but fails to mention that he is a paid spokesman for precious metals vendor Goldline International. Not only that, but a recent investigation has revealed a second conflict of interest, that Beck is also employed by Fake Patriotic Douche Corporation of America.
2. A 20 year old Virginia community college student was arrested Tuesday after opening fire in a classroom using a high powered rifle, though no one was injured. Police have not yet revealed the shooter's motive, but say he was very upset and kept referring to himself as a loser. I don't know, bringing a gun to school and everyone leaving unharmed? What a loser.
3. A new report estimates that colon cancer deaths could drop dramatically in the next decade thanks to better screening and treatment. The American Cancer Society says colon cancer has already dropped 20% in the last decade and that the end of the world in 2012 should get rid of a lot of assholes.
4. Perez Hilton is in a verbal spat with local Los Angeles morning show KTLA after a scheduling conflict caused Hilton to storm out and cancel his guest appearance. Anchor Sam Rubin explained his version of events on-air before referring to Hilton as a "talentless dope." Please, Mr. Rubin, there's a classier way to do this: Ms. Talentless Dope.
5. Joshua S. Trevino, co-founder of RedState.com and former Bush speechwriter has identified an anachronistic mistake in the show Mad Men. Trevino points out that certain books shown on shelves during scenes of the AMC drama were published decades after the time when the show is set. But then again, that's just the factual and thorough nature you come to expect from George W. Bush speechwriters.
High five.
2. A 20 year old Virginia community college student was arrested Tuesday after opening fire in a classroom using a high powered rifle, though no one was injured. Police have not yet revealed the shooter's motive, but say he was very upset and kept referring to himself as a loser. I don't know, bringing a gun to school and everyone leaving unharmed? What a loser.
3. A new report estimates that colon cancer deaths could drop dramatically in the next decade thanks to better screening and treatment. The American Cancer Society says colon cancer has already dropped 20% in the last decade and that the end of the world in 2012 should get rid of a lot of assholes.
4. Perez Hilton is in a verbal spat with local Los Angeles morning show KTLA after a scheduling conflict caused Hilton to storm out and cancel his guest appearance. Anchor Sam Rubin explained his version of events on-air before referring to Hilton as a "talentless dope." Please, Mr. Rubin, there's a classier way to do this: Ms. Talentless Dope.
5. Joshua S. Trevino, co-founder of RedState.com and former Bush speechwriter has identified an anachronistic mistake in the show Mad Men. Trevino points out that certain books shown on shelves during scenes of the AMC drama were published decades after the time when the show is set. But then again, that's just the factual and thorough nature you come to expect from George W. Bush speechwriters.
High five.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Michael Bay & Livingston Gay
1. Billboard magazine has named Daniel Powter's "Bad Day" as the one-hit wonder of the decade. Despite the news, Powter told reporters he was actually having a very good day, but only because he just got a shield that protects him from spit and middle fingers.
2. A new study out of Seton Hall University Law School finds evidence of a military cover-up in regards to the alleged suicides of three Gitmo prisoners. Experts say the details of the three deaths were extremely suspicious. The most suspicious however is a business card left at the scene which reads "Ninja Rumsfeld was here."
3. Michael Bay has created a new ad for Victoria Secrets, it was reported today. The ad features models posing in front of various backdrops of vehicle-filled landscapes. Analysts say fans of the director will have no trouble recognizing his style, especially at the end when all the models explode and Megan Fox calls him Hitler.
4. Ron Livingston of Office Space fame is suing a hacker who posted information on Wikipedia suggesting the actor is gay. According to court papers, the hacker is constantly changing the page to say Livingston is dating another man, even though he was just recently married last week to Rosemarie Dewitt. Meanwhile, the hacker who makes gay changes to Tom Cruise's Wikipedia page waits patiently by the phone.
5. In a new Time Magazine study, researchers say 40% of teenagers had had sex before their parents talked with them about sex. "The results didn't surprise me," says study co-author Dr. Mark Schuster, "but there's something about having actual data that serves as a wake-up call to parents." Luckily, my parents talked to me about the scientific and medical dangers of sex, and there's no way I'm gonna let a black hole form on my penis and transport me into a realm of unspeakable evil where thousands of tiny demons eat away at my scrotum! Yeah, have fun with that!
High five.
2. A new study out of Seton Hall University Law School finds evidence of a military cover-up in regards to the alleged suicides of three Gitmo prisoners. Experts say the details of the three deaths were extremely suspicious. The most suspicious however is a business card left at the scene which reads "Ninja Rumsfeld was here."
3. Michael Bay has created a new ad for Victoria Secrets, it was reported today. The ad features models posing in front of various backdrops of vehicle-filled landscapes. Analysts say fans of the director will have no trouble recognizing his style, especially at the end when all the models explode and Megan Fox calls him Hitler.
4. Ron Livingston of Office Space fame is suing a hacker who posted information on Wikipedia suggesting the actor is gay. According to court papers, the hacker is constantly changing the page to say Livingston is dating another man, even though he was just recently married last week to Rosemarie Dewitt. Meanwhile, the hacker who makes gay changes to Tom Cruise's Wikipedia page waits patiently by the phone.
5. In a new Time Magazine study, researchers say 40% of teenagers had had sex before their parents talked with them about sex. "The results didn't surprise me," says study co-author Dr. Mark Schuster, "but there's something about having actual data that serves as a wake-up call to parents." Luckily, my parents talked to me about the scientific and medical dangers of sex, and there's no way I'm gonna let a black hole form on my penis and transport me into a realm of unspeakable evil where thousands of tiny demons eat away at my scrotum! Yeah, have fun with that!
High five.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Butt Makeup & Drunk Pills
1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly is set to retyrn to the network after havyng gyven birth to a baby boy. Her first appearynce post-maternyty leave wyll be as a weekly analyst for Byll O'Reilly. No word yet as to the name of Kelly's child, but those close to her say she's decidyng between Ryck, Christophyr, and a third name consisting of just eight silent Ys (Yyyyyyyy).
2. Today on his show, Rush Limbaugh accused politicians on the left of using Health Care reform to get rid of the elderly, equating them to Mao. "What's the first thing Mao se Tung did? What was the cultural revolution? He took out the educated people," said Limbaugh. Hmm, actually the fact that Limbaugh hasn't been taken out may prove his point.
3. After a recent Victoria's Secret fashion show, model Selita Ebanks says that it's "all about creating the illusion of this amazing body on the runway. People don't realize that there are about 20 layers of makeup on my butt alone." And straight men everywhere suddenly envy their gay brothers' makeup careers.
4. A new pill developed by Russian professor Evgeny Moskalev can reportedly get you drunk without drinking. Moskalev says his method involves transforming alcohol into powder and that he's tried this with liquors containing up to 95% alcohol. Upon hearing the news, the National Creepy Bar Guy Association today questioned how it would be able to slip a pill into another pill.
5. Rudy Giuliani's consulting firm is being paid to give security advice to the city of Rio in preparation for the 2016 summer Olympics. This isn't the first time Giuliani has gone to another city to fight crime; he was brought in to Mexico City in 2003 to help with their crime problem. Though Rio city officials are hoping to avoid the awkward silence created in Mexico City when Giuliani said he first needed "two really tall skyscrapers."
High fyve.
2. Today on his show, Rush Limbaugh accused politicians on the left of using Health Care reform to get rid of the elderly, equating them to Mao. "What's the first thing Mao se Tung did? What was the cultural revolution? He took out the educated people," said Limbaugh. Hmm, actually the fact that Limbaugh hasn't been taken out may prove his point.
3. After a recent Victoria's Secret fashion show, model Selita Ebanks says that it's "all about creating the illusion of this amazing body on the runway. People don't realize that there are about 20 layers of makeup on my butt alone." And straight men everywhere suddenly envy their gay brothers' makeup careers.
4. A new pill developed by Russian professor Evgeny Moskalev can reportedly get you drunk without drinking. Moskalev says his method involves transforming alcohol into powder and that he's tried this with liquors containing up to 95% alcohol. Upon hearing the news, the National Creepy Bar Guy Association today questioned how it would be able to slip a pill into another pill.
5. Rudy Giuliani's consulting firm is being paid to give security advice to the city of Rio in preparation for the 2016 summer Olympics. This isn't the first time Giuliani has gone to another city to fight crime; he was brought in to Mexico City in 2003 to help with their crime problem. Though Rio city officials are hoping to avoid the awkward silence created in Mexico City when Giuliani said he first needed "two really tall skyscrapers."
High fyve.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Iran's Uranium & Tiger's Wood
1. In an open letter on his website today, Tiger Woods apologized to his friends, family and fans for the drama that had transpired following the car accident in his driveway. Woods kept it very secretive, not going into detail but still seemingly admitting to an extramarital affair. In the history of time, it will officially be known as the only moment when the phrases "Tiger Woods" and "Tiger's Wood" were exchanged freely without hesitation.
2. Fellow pro golfer Jesper Parnevik, the man who introduced Tiger Woods' to his current wife, is speaking out about the superstar golfer's recent mishaps. "You should think more before you do stuff," said Parnevik, "and maybe not 'Just do it,' like Nike says." Parnevik then snorted coke off a nun's thigh for the chance at a Nike contract.
3. In a speech Wednesday, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised that despite the world's wishes, the country will go forward to enrich even more uranium. The United States gave the Islamic nation a stern look as it snuck away from the dinner table to get more uranium. "NO! Baaaaaaaad," said the U.S. Iran continued, not responding to America's threatening tone. "Baaaaaaaad." Iran watched the U.S., blank-eyed, but opened the box of uranium regardless. The U.S. then grabbed the spray bottle and shooed the Middle Eastern country away with a hiss.
4. The U.N. chief has named Grammy Award winning recording artist Stevie Wonder a United Nations Messenger of Peace. U.N. authorities say it will be Wonder's job to deliver peaceful messages across the globe. Despite Wonder's impressive music resume, his only previous delivery experience includes putting pizza in a laundry shoot, dispensing ketchup to a shoe, and giving presents wrapped in pancakes.
5. On Wednesday, a congressional hearing was held to discuss the leaked climate change emails, which some Republicans believe proves in some way that the jury is still out on climate change. Rep. James Sensenbrenner, Republican from Wisconsin, went on to list other things he believed the jury was still out on. 1) The hazards of smoking, 2) the Irish as people, and 3) the dangers of womanly brain fever.
High five.
2. Fellow pro golfer Jesper Parnevik, the man who introduced Tiger Woods' to his current wife, is speaking out about the superstar golfer's recent mishaps. "You should think more before you do stuff," said Parnevik, "and maybe not 'Just do it,' like Nike says." Parnevik then snorted coke off a nun's thigh for the chance at a Nike contract.
3. In a speech Wednesday, Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad promised that despite the world's wishes, the country will go forward to enrich even more uranium. The United States gave the Islamic nation a stern look as it snuck away from the dinner table to get more uranium. "NO! Baaaaaaaad," said the U.S. Iran continued, not responding to America's threatening tone. "Baaaaaaaad." Iran watched the U.S., blank-eyed, but opened the box of uranium regardless. The U.S. then grabbed the spray bottle and shooed the Middle Eastern country away with a hiss.
4. The U.N. chief has named Grammy Award winning recording artist Stevie Wonder a United Nations Messenger of Peace. U.N. authorities say it will be Wonder's job to deliver peaceful messages across the globe. Despite Wonder's impressive music resume, his only previous delivery experience includes putting pizza in a laundry shoot, dispensing ketchup to a shoe, and giving presents wrapped in pancakes.
5. On Wednesday, a congressional hearing was held to discuss the leaked climate change emails, which some Republicans believe proves in some way that the jury is still out on climate change. Rep. James Sensenbrenner, Republican from Wisconsin, went on to list other things he believed the jury was still out on. 1) The hazards of smoking, 2) the Irish as people, and 3) the dangers of womanly brain fever.
High five.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
LCDs Down 22% & Jesus Christs Up 100%
1. On Friday, the first ever North Korean-made designer jeans will go on sale in Sweden for about $215. The jeans were designed in honor of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, so they will only be available at Baby Gap.
2. A Birmingham, Alabama woman who had legally changed her name to Jesus Christ was evicted from a jury pool this week after causing a disruption. Court officials said the woman repeatedly asked questions and other jurors laughed aloud when she insisted her name was Jesus Christ. And suddenly, Jesus' idea to reveal himself to the public after first getting a sex change no longer sounds as good as it did in his head.
3. Last week, a Taiwanese man was reportedly robbed of more than $2 million he had just withdrawn from the bank making it the largest robbery in the country's history. Authorities say the man probably drew too much attention to himself. Security cameras show the man sitting at the cash machine for nearly 8 hours.
4. Tiger Woods and his wife were involved in a car crash incident late last week in which Woods hit a fire hydrant then crashed into a tree. Authorities are still unsure the cause of the accident but rumors are circulating that it's the result of a domestic dispute. Today, news anchors chuckled at some adorable, recently uncovered footage of a 6 year old Tiger Woods smacking around his first grade girlfriend.
5. Research firm ISuppli predicts television sales will be up 6% this week compared to last year and reports prices on LCD televisions are down 22% after Black Friday. Of course, that means very little this Christmas season to 15.7 million Americans whose income is down 100%.
High five.
2. A Birmingham, Alabama woman who had legally changed her name to Jesus Christ was evicted from a jury pool this week after causing a disruption. Court officials said the woman repeatedly asked questions and other jurors laughed aloud when she insisted her name was Jesus Christ. And suddenly, Jesus' idea to reveal himself to the public after first getting a sex change no longer sounds as good as it did in his head.
3. Last week, a Taiwanese man was reportedly robbed of more than $2 million he had just withdrawn from the bank making it the largest robbery in the country's history. Authorities say the man probably drew too much attention to himself. Security cameras show the man sitting at the cash machine for nearly 8 hours.
4. Tiger Woods and his wife were involved in a car crash incident late last week in which Woods hit a fire hydrant then crashed into a tree. Authorities are still unsure the cause of the accident but rumors are circulating that it's the result of a domestic dispute. Today, news anchors chuckled at some adorable, recently uncovered footage of a 6 year old Tiger Woods smacking around his first grade girlfriend.
5. Research firm ISuppli predicts television sales will be up 6% this week compared to last year and reports prices on LCD televisions are down 22% after Black Friday. Of course, that means very little this Christmas season to 15.7 million Americans whose income is down 100%.
High five.
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