Thanks for all your support!
HIGH FIVE!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
New Site
This site is officially out of commission! Here's the new site. Visit it! Bookmark it! Revisit it!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Palin Comparison
1. Sarah Palin announced today that she will be heading to India in March to be a part of a leadership conference. Palin said she's very excited to see America's workforce in action.
2. Possible presidential candidate Newt Gingrich became upset during a college visit when a student questioned his morality given his multiple affairs. It might have been in poor taste, but Gingrich was under the podium texting another college at the time.
3. On Wednesday, President Obama announced that he and his administration would no longer defend the Defense Of Marriage Act, which bans federal recognition of gay marriage. Gay rights advocates were happy to welcome a freshly rested President Obama back from his 3 year slumber.
4. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was phone pranked earlier this week when a man called his office pretending to be billionaire Walker-supporter David Koch. The ensuing 20-minute conversation was posted on Youtube and has been confirmed by Walker's offices. However, if you think that's damning, you don't want to hear the sultry phone call Walker made to the "Naughty Nurses Who Want to Unionize" sex line.
5. An Iowa high school wrestler last week forfeited a match against a female wrestler on the grounds that his religious beliefs wouldn't allow him to wrestle girls. The girl said she respected his decision, and in the boys defense the girl had just injected herself with performance enhancing cooties.
High five.
2. Possible presidential candidate Newt Gingrich became upset during a college visit when a student questioned his morality given his multiple affairs. It might have been in poor taste, but Gingrich was under the podium texting another college at the time.
3. On Wednesday, President Obama announced that he and his administration would no longer defend the Defense Of Marriage Act, which bans federal recognition of gay marriage. Gay rights advocates were happy to welcome a freshly rested President Obama back from his 3 year slumber.
4. Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker was phone pranked earlier this week when a man called his office pretending to be billionaire Walker-supporter David Koch. The ensuing 20-minute conversation was posted on Youtube and has been confirmed by Walker's offices. However, if you think that's damning, you don't want to hear the sultry phone call Walker made to the "Naughty Nurses Who Want to Unionize" sex line.
5. An Iowa high school wrestler last week forfeited a match against a female wrestler on the grounds that his religious beliefs wouldn't allow him to wrestle girls. The girl said she respected his decision, and in the boys defense the girl had just injected herself with performance enhancing cooties.
High five.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
A Scheme Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
1. A former Disney executive was sentence to 4 months home confinement today after she was found guilty of scheming with her boyfriend to sell off company secrets. The woman maintains that she was blinded by love. Her boyfriend Jaffar could not be reached for comment.
2. Researchers have unveiled the first millimeter-scale computer system, about the size of the letter N on the back of a penny. Scientists say this will allow porn to be injected directly into your penis.
3. Democratic walkouts started in Wisconsin have spread to senators in Indiana's legislature who have also walked out protesting anti-union legislation. Republicans say this is the worst thing to spread across the Midwest since that crippling Michele Bachmann Disease.
4. Despite massive protests in his country, today Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi refused to step down and insisted he would die a martyr. When reached for comment, his enemies replied, "...Yeah, we're fine with those terms."
5. Rumors have it that the iPad 2 may be revealed sometime next week in San Francisco. Though nothing has been confirmed, die-hard Apple followers say in the meantime they'll just continue to wait in line for the iPhone 17.
High five.
2. Researchers have unveiled the first millimeter-scale computer system, about the size of the letter N on the back of a penny. Scientists say this will allow porn to be injected directly into your penis.
3. Democratic walkouts started in Wisconsin have spread to senators in Indiana's legislature who have also walked out protesting anti-union legislation. Republicans say this is the worst thing to spread across the Midwest since that crippling Michele Bachmann Disease.
4. Despite massive protests in his country, today Libyan president Moammar Gadhafi refused to step down and insisted he would die a martyr. When reached for comment, his enemies replied, "...Yeah, we're fine with those terms."
5. Rumors have it that the iPad 2 may be revealed sometime next week in San Francisco. Though nothing has been confirmed, die-hard Apple followers say in the meantime they'll just continue to wait in line for the iPhone 17.
High five.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Freedom Lies
1. While covering the union rallies in Madison, Wisconsin last week, Fox News reporter Jeff Flock was greeted by demonstrators with chants of "Fox lies!" The reporter said he was a little hurt by the chants, but in the demonstrators' defense, he was probably lying.
2. TLC's "Sarah Palin's Alaska" received a $1.2 million tax credit from the state, taking advantage of a Gov. Palin signed bill which provides subsidies to crews filming in Alaska up to 30% of their operating costs. If you're keeping score at home, that's about $3.6 million to film Sarah Palin hanging out in her backyard and basically holding no job. If that's not a Cadillac driving welfare mom, I don't know what is.
3. The Texas legislature is on its way to passing a bill which would allow students and professors to carry concealed handguns on campus. "It's strictly a matter of self-defense," said state Sen. Jeff Wentworth, R-San Antonio. "I don't ever want to see repeated on a Texas college campus what happened at Virginia Tech." Yes, because the best way to make sure people don't shoot guns on campus... is to make sure everyone brings guns on campus.
4. A three year old is baffling modern science after being born without a cerebellum while still having the ability to perform functions long thought to require a cerebellum, such as walking or riding a bike. And today, the boy was welcomed with opened arms by the Republican party.
5. Rush Limbaugh this week criticized Michelle Obama's physique saying that she "doesn't look like she follows her own dietary advice." Read all about that and more in this month's issue of... "Wait... Who The Fuck Said That?!"
High five.
2. TLC's "Sarah Palin's Alaska" received a $1.2 million tax credit from the state, taking advantage of a Gov. Palin signed bill which provides subsidies to crews filming in Alaska up to 30% of their operating costs. If you're keeping score at home, that's about $3.6 million to film Sarah Palin hanging out in her backyard and basically holding no job. If that's not a Cadillac driving welfare mom, I don't know what is.
3. The Texas legislature is on its way to passing a bill which would allow students and professors to carry concealed handguns on campus. "It's strictly a matter of self-defense," said state Sen. Jeff Wentworth, R-San Antonio. "I don't ever want to see repeated on a Texas college campus what happened at Virginia Tech." Yes, because the best way to make sure people don't shoot guns on campus... is to make sure everyone brings guns on campus.
4. A three year old is baffling modern science after being born without a cerebellum while still having the ability to perform functions long thought to require a cerebellum, such as walking or riding a bike. And today, the boy was welcomed with opened arms by the Republican party.
5. Rush Limbaugh this week criticized Michelle Obama's physique saying that she "doesn't look like she follows her own dietary advice." Read all about that and more in this month's issue of... "Wait... Who The Fuck Said That?!"
High five.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Raggedy Ann Coulter
1. While speaking at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, Ann Coulter told the audience that she thinks more journalists in ally foreign countries should be jailed. In future news, during a modest ceremony amongst friends, today Ann Coulter wed her longtime boyfriend Satan.
2. After weeks of protesting, Egyptian people successfully brought down their leader Hosni Mubarak. No word yet on who will take over in Egypt but the front runner is an unknown mustachioed man named Mosni Hubarak.
3. Scientists announced today that they may have discovered evidence of a tenth planet that exists at the edge of our solar system and that it may be the largest planet we have revolving around the sun. Today religious conservatives called the claim ridiculous, saying, "Bah, planets revolving around the sun, honestly!"
4. Congressional GOP members today criticized Obama's budget proposal saying that it would be better to just do nothing at all. To which those who lived through the last GW Bush term replied, "Yes, please, do nothing."
5. The official title of the Spider-Man reboot was announced today as The Amazing Spider-Man. In order to make the transition between Spider-Man iterations, producers say they've cast the paper bag from the other films that Toby McGuire couldn't act his way out of .
High five.
2. After weeks of protesting, Egyptian people successfully brought down their leader Hosni Mubarak. No word yet on who will take over in Egypt but the front runner is an unknown mustachioed man named Mosni Hubarak.
3. Scientists announced today that they may have discovered evidence of a tenth planet that exists at the edge of our solar system and that it may be the largest planet we have revolving around the sun. Today religious conservatives called the claim ridiculous, saying, "Bah, planets revolving around the sun, honestly!"
4. Congressional GOP members today criticized Obama's budget proposal saying that it would be better to just do nothing at all. To which those who lived through the last GW Bush term replied, "Yes, please, do nothing."
5. The official title of the Spider-Man reboot was announced today as The Amazing Spider-Man. In order to make the transition between Spider-Man iterations, producers say they've cast the paper bag from the other films that Toby McGuire couldn't act his way out of .
High five.
HuffPost: Shocking New Evidence That Forced Hosni Mubarak's Resignation
While doing my daily browsing of Craigslist Egypt to find a sweet, ancient Egyptian couch and maybe even an Akhenaten era ping pong table that some grave robber is just going to throw to the curb anyway, I made this shocking discovery which is likely responsible for Hosni Mubarak's resignation.
High five.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
BIE-BER, BIE-BER, ROCK YOU!
1. Justin Bieber was booed at a Knicks' game on Wednesday after cameramen showed him on the big screen sitting courtside. You have to give Knicks' fans credit though, they know talentless when they see it.
2. Steven Soderbergh was hit with a paternity suit filed by an Australian woman claiming that the director is the father of her child and owes child support. Soderbergh has not yet commented on the claim but upon hearing the news George Clooney says he wants in on whatever the project is.
3. Minnesota girl scouts are protesting across the state refusing to sell cookies after numerous scout camps were sold or closed. Participating scout leaders say they're trying to act civil, but that it won't be long before they start teaching the girls how to make Tag-a-Bombs, Sin Mints, and Samoa-tov Cocktails.
4. It was announced today that Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony have been invited to join President Obama's Super Bowl party this year. In future news, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were arrested for tax evasion at the White House today, after receiving fake Super Bowl party invites.
5. On Thursday, Lebron James set a Miami Heat record scoring 23 points in the first quarter against the Orlando Magic. In a related story, the Cleveland Cavaliers today introduced their new hot dog warmer which can warm up to 23 hot dogs simultaneously.
High five.
2. Steven Soderbergh was hit with a paternity suit filed by an Australian woman claiming that the director is the father of her child and owes child support. Soderbergh has not yet commented on the claim but upon hearing the news George Clooney says he wants in on whatever the project is.
3. Minnesota girl scouts are protesting across the state refusing to sell cookies after numerous scout camps were sold or closed. Participating scout leaders say they're trying to act civil, but that it won't be long before they start teaching the girls how to make Tag-a-Bombs, Sin Mints, and Samoa-tov Cocktails.
4. It was announced today that Jennifer Lopez and husband Marc Anthony have been invited to join President Obama's Super Bowl party this year. In future news, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony were arrested for tax evasion at the White House today, after receiving fake Super Bowl party invites.
5. On Thursday, Lebron James set a Miami Heat record scoring 23 points in the first quarter against the Orlando Magic. In a related story, the Cleveland Cavaliers today introduced their new hot dog warmer which can warm up to 23 hot dogs simultaneously.
High five.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Run Like An Egyptian
1. Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak tried to squelch political turmoil in his country by telling protesting and rioting citizens that after his current term is over he will not run again. The walls of his office then collapsed, protesters swarmed inside and he quickly learned to run again.
2. Barbara Bush, 29 year old daughter of George W. Bush, today endorsed gay marriage, a view very much in opposition to her father's. Then again, that's what bush against bush is all about.
3. The Museum of New York City is featuring an exhibit celebrating the rich history of Harlem's Apollo Theater. Curators add, however, that if visitors can't appreciate the importance of the exhibit, they will be boo and/or laughed out of the museum as a clown sweeps at their feet.
4. Michele Bachmann today announced her official opposition to recent airport security technology, saying that "naked pictures" of her could show up on the internet after full body scans. However, Bachmann was not referring to an airport experience, but rather a regretful college experience involving her straight-to-video Skin-emax film, Body Scan.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers' receiver Hines Ward today criticized the NFL saying, "They don't give a fuck about concussions." Ward added, "And they don't give a fuck about concussions either."
High five.
2. Barbara Bush, 29 year old daughter of George W. Bush, today endorsed gay marriage, a view very much in opposition to her father's. Then again, that's what bush against bush is all about.
3. The Museum of New York City is featuring an exhibit celebrating the rich history of Harlem's Apollo Theater. Curators add, however, that if visitors can't appreciate the importance of the exhibit, they will be boo and/or laughed out of the museum as a clown sweeps at their feet.
4. Michele Bachmann today announced her official opposition to recent airport security technology, saying that "naked pictures" of her could show up on the internet after full body scans. However, Bachmann was not referring to an airport experience, but rather a regretful college experience involving her straight-to-video Skin-emax film, Body Scan.
5. Pittsburgh Steelers' receiver Hines Ward today criticized the NFL saying, "They don't give a fuck about concussions." Ward added, "And they don't give a fuck about concussions either."
High five.
Monday, January 31, 2011
IOU - RNC
1. The RNC today reported that they are nearly $28 million in debt. However, experts say this figure is significantly lowered if they can deduct the lap dances.
2. The show Two and a Half Men could be out millions of dollars if production stops due to Charlie Sheen's recent entry into drug rehab. The show's producers say payig the cast will be the most expensive part but that they'll save some money now that they don't have to hold an audience hostage at gun point to create laughter.
3. Former New Kids on the Block singer Jonathan Knight said in a recent interview that, despite recently being outed by former girlfriend and singer Tiffany, he was never really "in the closet." Read all about it in this month's issue of No Shit, You Don't Say! magazine.
4. Britney Spears has a new album called "Hold It Against Me" that is set to release March 15th. This will be followed soon after by a poorly planned marriage March 16th, a sloppy divorce March 17th, and a creepy new haircut March 18th.
5. As rioting and mass protests continue to erupt all over Egypt, no one is sure exactly how the anarchy will end. On a positive note, even if it does end badly, in a thousand years people will just think aliens did it.
High five.
2. The show Two and a Half Men could be out millions of dollars if production stops due to Charlie Sheen's recent entry into drug rehab. The show's producers say payig the cast will be the most expensive part but that they'll save some money now that they don't have to hold an audience hostage at gun point to create laughter.
3. Former New Kids on the Block singer Jonathan Knight said in a recent interview that, despite recently being outed by former girlfriend and singer Tiffany, he was never really "in the closet." Read all about it in this month's issue of No Shit, You Don't Say! magazine.
4. Britney Spears has a new album called "Hold It Against Me" that is set to release March 15th. This will be followed soon after by a poorly planned marriage March 16th, a sloppy divorce March 17th, and a creepy new haircut March 18th.
5. As rioting and mass protests continue to erupt all over Egypt, no one is sure exactly how the anarchy will end. On a positive note, even if it does end badly, in a thousand years people will just think aliens did it.
High five.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Oh, The Bachmannity!
After Paul Ryan's GOP response, Michele Bachmann will provide the second rebuttal to President Obama's State of the Union speech on behalf of the Tea Party. Experts predict Bachmann's speech will unite all citizens to view each other equally, since everyone will have gouged their own eyes out.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Hooked On Phonics Works For Tea!
1. When the GOP-controlled House goes to work next week, members will read the constitution out loud (something that has never been done in the chamber's 221 year history) which analysts say is a result of the Tea Party's influence. Newly elected Tea Party members will also be present to read the US Constitution, and say they're excited for their first time ever reading it.
2. This week Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski retained her post after a highly contested election and ensuing legal battle. Surprisingly it was not decided by a recount as in most states, but rather the Alaskan way: an old fashioned oil spill off.
3. A new study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience shows that people with a larger amygdala in their brain tend to socialize more. So, ladies, when that large headed guy keeps coming up to talk to you, remember: nature wants me to do that.
4. A recent study shows that while the US teen pregnancy rate is the lowest it's been in 70 years, it's still far lower in most European countries. Scientists say its due to contraception availability, but more patriotic scientists say the capitalist, every-sperm-for-itself mentality that occurs during coitus just doesn't jive with the evil, socialist teens in Europe.
5. A New York publishing house has confirmed that they have signed a book deal with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. The confidential details of the deal have not been released, but---oh wait, never mind, there they are.
High five.
2. This week Alaska senator Lisa Murkowski retained her post after a highly contested election and ensuing legal battle. Surprisingly it was not decided by a recount as in most states, but rather the Alaskan way: an old fashioned oil spill off.
3. A new study published in the journal Nature Neuroscience shows that people with a larger amygdala in their brain tend to socialize more. So, ladies, when that large headed guy keeps coming up to talk to you, remember: nature wants me to do that.
4. A recent study shows that while the US teen pregnancy rate is the lowest it's been in 70 years, it's still far lower in most European countries. Scientists say its due to contraception availability, but more patriotic scientists say the capitalist, every-sperm-for-itself mentality that occurs during coitus just doesn't jive with the evil, socialist teens in Europe.
5. A New York publishing house has confirmed that they have signed a book deal with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. The confidential details of the deal have not been released, but---oh wait, never mind, there they are.
High five.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Teats Of Strength
1. A dog in Germany has given birth to 17 puppies. The newsworthiness of the story may be questioned, but you can be sure it somehow involves a drunken David Hasselhoff.
2. This week the Senate approved the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban, ending years of what some believe amounted to discrimination. In other news, one military tank mechanic has found the courage to reveal his fabulous pink detailing ideas.
3. The author of a guide book to pedophilia was charged in Florida this week for breaking the state's obscenity laws. In future news, the author of a pedophilia guide book was killed in prison by the author of a necrophilia guide book.
4. On Monday the Bears and Vikings will meet in Minnesota for the state's first outdoor pro football game in 29 years. With falling snow and frigid temperatures expected to reach below zero, Favre mistressess expect to receive no in-game penis pictures.
5. Senator Harry Reid reportedly made his first tweet after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed to Lady Gaga, saying, "We did it! DADT is a thing of the past." The singer, a long time gay rights advocate, tried to respond but admits she isn't very good with her new rainbow sparkly meat phone with a qwerty keyboard made from kitty teeth.
High five.
2. This week the Senate approved the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell ban, ending years of what some believe amounted to discrimination. In other news, one military tank mechanic has found the courage to reveal his fabulous pink detailing ideas.
3. The author of a guide book to pedophilia was charged in Florida this week for breaking the state's obscenity laws. In future news, the author of a pedophilia guide book was killed in prison by the author of a necrophilia guide book.
4. On Monday the Bears and Vikings will meet in Minnesota for the state's first outdoor pro football game in 29 years. With falling snow and frigid temperatures expected to reach below zero, Favre mistressess expect to receive no in-game penis pictures.
5. Senator Harry Reid reportedly made his first tweet after Don't Ask Don't Tell was repealed to Lady Gaga, saying, "We did it! DADT is a thing of the past." The singer, a long time gay rights advocate, tried to respond but admits she isn't very good with her new rainbow sparkly meat phone with a qwerty keyboard made from kitty teeth.
High five.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Lara Croft: Womb Raider
1. Actress Angelina Jolie last week said that she would be open to having more children. Upon hearing the news, her vagina screamed, "AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists. The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.
3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor. The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."
4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside. The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.
5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million. On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.
High five.
2. Ukraine announced today that starting in 2011 the country will open up the nuclear site Chernobyl to tourists. The resulting fallout-induced freakshow zoo is set to open 2013.
3. After years of service to the medical industry, it's been discovered that a commercial pilot duped the American Medical Association into believing he was a doctor. The AMA says it wasn't his unfinished medical schooling that tipped them off, but rather the t-shirt he wore which read "It's okay, I'm a doctor."
4. Protesting the high rent, a group in Germany has begun scheduling appointments to view what they feel are overpriced apartments, only to disrobe and start naked dance parties inside. The protest proved successful as potential renters entered thinking the last tenants had let their shrubberies become wild and overgrown, and quickly left.
5. On Monday, the MLB Players Association announced that the average player salary had reached $3 million. On a pharmaceutical note, the average player penis has shrunken to 3 inches.
High five.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Weiners & Losers
1. Fox News' Megyn Kelly today debated with Democratic congressman Anthony Weiner over Obama's tax cut deal with the GOP. The democrat could do little to sway the Fox News host, but then again, that's not the first time Megyn Kelly has been forced to deal with a flailing wiener.
2. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan may appear on a future iteration of Dancing With The Stars. Lohan says this way she can continue her two favorite pastimes, entertaining and standing in front of judges.
3. When asked if she was a lesbian during an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Oprah Winfrey cried and said she was not. Winfrey quickly stopped the interview, but felt good enough to continue after finding keys to a new car under her chair.
4. In a letter today, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann criticized President Obama for not using the word "God" enough when he speaks. Upon hearing this, God laughed mischievously and added a few more leaves to Bachmann's gutters in preparation for a particularly rainy spring.
5. On Wednesday Ted Turner said that he was "on the verge of poverty" now that he has only a few million dollars left of what was once a billion dollar fortune. In other news, experts agree that Ted Turner is on the verge of sanity.
High five.
2. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan may appear on a future iteration of Dancing With The Stars. Lohan says this way she can continue her two favorite pastimes, entertaining and standing in front of judges.
3. When asked if she was a lesbian during an interview with Barbara Walters this week, Oprah Winfrey cried and said she was not. Winfrey quickly stopped the interview, but felt good enough to continue after finding keys to a new car under her chair.
4. In a letter today, Minnesota Representative Michelle Bachmann criticized President Obama for not using the word "God" enough when he speaks. Upon hearing this, God laughed mischievously and added a few more leaves to Bachmann's gutters in preparation for a particularly rainy spring.
5. On Wednesday Ted Turner said that he was "on the verge of poverty" now that he has only a few million dollars left of what was once a billion dollar fortune. In other news, experts agree that Ted Turner is on the verge of sanity.
High five.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Oh, Brothers!
1. The top Catholic educating order De La Salle Christian Brothers recently admitted to concealing abuse within their organization after documents were discovered by the AP. The groups leader says they never intended to hide the truth, but that the documents were likely lost underneath a pile of alter boys.
2. According to a new report, former senate candidate Christine O'Donnell saved nearly $8 million from her campaign in anticipation of defending herself against lawsuits. No word yet on who will sue O'Donnell but rumor has it there is a defamation of character lawsuit from the wizard Kragtor, Harbinger of Souls.
3. Microsoft today introduced a new privacy feature for Internet Explorer which they say will allow users to surf the web more securely and let fewer people see what they're doing. The new browser works like this: whenever you log onto Facebook, your browser automatically transfers you to MySpace.
4. France's air authority says that 20% of Paris' airport flights will be canceled Wednesday due to impending snowfall. However, climate scientists today released a statement saying that if you simply advance towards it, the French snow will quickly retreat.
5. A new study out of Australia shows that 40% of older men age 75 and up want more sex. However, when reached for comment their wives could not be nudged awake.
High five.
2. According to a new report, former senate candidate Christine O'Donnell saved nearly $8 million from her campaign in anticipation of defending herself against lawsuits. No word yet on who will sue O'Donnell but rumor has it there is a defamation of character lawsuit from the wizard Kragtor, Harbinger of Souls.
3. Microsoft today introduced a new privacy feature for Internet Explorer which they say will allow users to surf the web more securely and let fewer people see what they're doing. The new browser works like this: whenever you log onto Facebook, your browser automatically transfers you to MySpace.
4. France's air authority says that 20% of Paris' airport flights will be canceled Wednesday due to impending snowfall. However, climate scientists today released a statement saying that if you simply advance towards it, the French snow will quickly retreat.
5. A new study out of Australia shows that 40% of older men age 75 and up want more sex. However, when reached for comment their wives could not be nudged awake.
High five.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Pittsburgh, Dead Ahead!
1. An airplane made an unscheduled stop in Pittsburgh on Monday after a dog on board bit two passengers. Then again, is there really even such a thing as a scheduled Pittsburgh stop?
2. The Supreme Court will hear a class action suit against Wal-Mart to determine whether or not the company has a gender bias in their hiring practices. Wal-Mart today released a statement insisting that there is no bias and that they couldn't function without stupid people of both genders.
3. President Obama and congressional GOP members today finalized an agreement to extend tax cuts for all Americans while also extending unemployment benefits for those out of work long term, or Democrats.
4. The televised gay marriage hearing in California today attracted a large audience, giving viewers a first hand look at the fate of Prop 8. 60% of those who tuned in say they want Prop 8 overturned, 30% say they want Prop 8 upheld, while 10% say they're not gay, they just like to watch.
5. This week on the show Sarah Palin's Alaska the Palins are joined out in the wild by Kate Gosselin and her children. If you're keeping score at home, that's Palin, Gosselin, and their 382 children.
High five.
2. The Supreme Court will hear a class action suit against Wal-Mart to determine whether or not the company has a gender bias in their hiring practices. Wal-Mart today released a statement insisting that there is no bias and that they couldn't function without stupid people of both genders.
3. President Obama and congressional GOP members today finalized an agreement to extend tax cuts for all Americans while also extending unemployment benefits for those out of work long term, or Democrats.
4. The televised gay marriage hearing in California today attracted a large audience, giving viewers a first hand look at the fate of Prop 8. 60% of those who tuned in say they want Prop 8 overturned, 30% say they want Prop 8 upheld, while 10% say they're not gay, they just like to watch.
5. This week on the show Sarah Palin's Alaska the Palins are joined out in the wild by Kate Gosselin and her children. If you're keeping score at home, that's Palin, Gosselin, and their 382 children.
High five.
Friday, December 3, 2010
A One Eight Seven Dwarves
1. After nearly 14 years, Disney's planned community, a small town called Celebration, has suffered its first homicide. Residents were initially shocked by the news but were fine once they discovered the victim had actually shot Bambi's mother.
2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about. In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.
3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased. Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes."
4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out. However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."
5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan. The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.
High five.
2. A mysterious U.S. government space shuttle returned to Earth Friday at Vandenberg Air Force Base after a seven month mission that officials are being very tight lipped about. In other news, Dick Cheney has constructed a new lightsaber.
3. John McCain said Thursday that the Pentagon study released this week concerning gays in the military is biased. Upon hearing McCain's comment, George W. Bush said, "Duh, John, if you're biased you like both chicks and dudes."
4. Wisconsin governor Jim Doyle has replaced state DA Ken Kratz after a sexting scandal forced him out. However, when asked if she wanted the job, newly appointed DA Jerilyn Dietz did not help things by replying with the text, "I'm good at doing 'jobs' lol ;)."
5. Nissan today rolled out its new electric car in Japan. The Leaf gets 99 miles per gallon, can drive 124 miles on a single charge, and of course comes standard with Godzilla insurance.
High five.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Radioactive Spider-Musical
1. Spider-Man the musical is set to open on Broadway soon with a reported cost of $65 million, despite less than thrilling previews. Making this money back will be even more daunting since most of those in attendance will be without dates.
2. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is going to be auctioned off this month and the bidding is expected to start at $1,000. Not to be outdone, the executor of Jack Ruby's estate will start Ruby's coffin at $1,500.
3. Police in Europe are officially on the lookout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in relation to rape allegations. Assange has already been in seclusion after releasing diplomatic documents damaging to the representatives of many countries. If only there were some... organization that could... leak... his exact location.
4. GOP leaders said today that they will continue to block all legislation until the Bush tax cuts are extended. Democrats say the most hurt by this move is funding for the Cancer Organization Coalition, and that it doesn't surprise them at all that the GOP would even resort to COC blocking.
5. Astronomers today released a study showing that there may actually be three times as many stars in the universe as previously thought. The new count is estimated at 300 sextillion. Astronomers are excited for the discovery but more excited that they were somehow able to get 'sex' into their lives.
High five.
2. Kennedy assassin Lee Harvey Oswald's coffin is going to be auctioned off this month and the bidding is expected to start at $1,000. Not to be outdone, the executor of Jack Ruby's estate will start Ruby's coffin at $1,500.
3. Police in Europe are officially on the lookout for Wikileaks founder Julian Assange in relation to rape allegations. Assange has already been in seclusion after releasing diplomatic documents damaging to the representatives of many countries. If only there were some... organization that could... leak... his exact location.
4. GOP leaders said today that they will continue to block all legislation until the Bush tax cuts are extended. Democrats say the most hurt by this move is funding for the Cancer Organization Coalition, and that it doesn't surprise them at all that the GOP would even resort to COC blocking.
5. Astronomers today released a study showing that there may actually be three times as many stars in the universe as previously thought. The new count is estimated at 300 sextillion. Astronomers are excited for the discovery but more excited that they were somehow able to get 'sex' into their lives.
High five.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Full Of Grace
1. CNN's Nancy Grace had surgery this week to remove a growth doctors feared might be cancer, but that fortunately turned out to be non-malignant. During the operation, however, doctor's did find three previously missing children inside her.
2. In a recent CNN interview, Senator John McCain compared Sarah Palin to former President Ronald Reagan, saying that he at times was seen as divisive, too. Upon hearing this, millions of nostalgic American's envied Reagan's ability to easily forget people like Sarah Palin.
3. During a broadcast discussion on Facebook with CEO Mark Zuckerberg, George W. Bush praised President Obama for his work in Afghanistan as well as with education. Unfortunately, no one in American heard the conversation, since they had chosen to 'hide' Bush long ago.
4. Irvin Kershner, known for directing The Empire Strikes Back, died on Saturday at the age of 87. Star Wars creator George Lucas said he was saddened by the news, but is confident he'll be able to digitally add Kershner back into his life somehow.
5. The Jersey Shore cast has been included among Barbara Walters 'Most Fascinating People of 2010.' Continuing with the theme, Walters has also included Hepatitis A, B, and E.
High five.
2. In a recent CNN interview, Senator John McCain compared Sarah Palin to former President Ronald Reagan, saying that he at times was seen as divisive, too. Upon hearing this, millions of nostalgic American's envied Reagan's ability to easily forget people like Sarah Palin.
3. During a broadcast discussion on Facebook with CEO Mark Zuckerberg, George W. Bush praised President Obama for his work in Afghanistan as well as with education. Unfortunately, no one in American heard the conversation, since they had chosen to 'hide' Bush long ago.
4. Irvin Kershner, known for directing The Empire Strikes Back, died on Saturday at the age of 87. Star Wars creator George Lucas said he was saddened by the news, but is confident he'll be able to digitally add Kershner back into his life somehow.
5. The Jersey Shore cast has been included among Barbara Walters 'Most Fascinating People of 2010.' Continuing with the theme, Walters has also included Hepatitis A, B, and E.
High five.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
MyFace
1. Facebook today received a letter of allowance from the US Patent Office for trademark of the word "face" as it relates to online bulletin boards. In other news, MySpace's CEO found a nearly untouched bear claw in the dumpster behind a Dunkin Donuts.
2. The US government today moved to outlaw fake pot, a drug that contains chemicals which imitate the effects of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. The FDA is now looking into the ramifications this will have on the fake munchies industry.
3. Sarah Palin criticized first lady Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program saying it's "government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us." Palin then gave her infant son a tiny, lead-based painted toy to chew on.
4. Former US House majority leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay was found guilty of money laundering today, which carries a possible sentence of life in prison. While Delay appeals the verdict, his future cellmate has already thought of multiple sexual positions he can refer to as "Hammering the Nail.".
5. The wife of comedian George Lopez filed for divorce earlier this week, citing irreconcilable differences. Adding salt to the wound, Comedy has also requested separation from the late night host.
High five.
2. The US government today moved to outlaw fake pot, a drug that contains chemicals which imitate the effects of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. The FDA is now looking into the ramifications this will have on the fake munchies industry.
3. Sarah Palin criticized first lady Michelle Obama for her anti-obesity program saying it's "government thinking that they need to take over and make decisions for us." Palin then gave her infant son a tiny, lead-based painted toy to chew on.
4. Former US House majority leader Tom "The Hammer" Delay was found guilty of money laundering today, which carries a possible sentence of life in prison. While Delay appeals the verdict, his future cellmate has already thought of multiple sexual positions he can refer to as "Hammering the Nail.".
5. The wife of comedian George Lopez filed for divorce earlier this week, citing irreconcilable differences. Adding salt to the wound, Comedy has also requested separation from the late night host.
High five.
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