Thursday, July 29, 2010

Photo High Five #20

After six months of Congress playing host to corporate lobbyists, janitors begin their long, tedious, semiannual cleaning of the Congressional swimming pool.

Monday, July 26, 2010

BP = Badly Photoshopped

1. BP is the subject of even further controversy after it was discovered that a photo of their oil spill command center was heavily Photoshopped. The image went unnoticed for weeks until one web user noticed that BP CEO Tony Hayward was missing his C-section scar.

2. A Brooklyn couple is reportedly very upset with Chelsea Clinton now that the former first daughter is getting married on the same day, and withing five minutes of them, making arrangements very difficult. "Chelsea Clinton has taken what was supposed to be a special day for me turned it into hell," says bride-to-be Emn Haddad-Friedman. Haddad-Friedman say however that she has invited the Clintons to stop by... Bill has RSVP'd that he will.

3. There are reports now that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping around a reality TV show about their relationship. Networks said they would be interested in a pilot, but no long term commitments. To which Levi replied, "Perfect!"

4. Texas A&M announced that they will no longer supply the toilet paper in the dorms as a way of cutting costs to the school. Experts however wonder now what they'll use to clean up their own bullshit.

5. Thousands of documents released today by the website WikiLeaks, reportedly leaked by various military servicemen and women, have created even more doubts about the Afgan War. Wait... the war in Afghanistan is not going well, you say? Huh...

High five.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Jersey War

1. It's been reported that the cast of the Jersey Shore is on strike after allegedly being very dissatisfied with their recent contracts. The cast says they refuse to shoot any more scenes until they get a better deal. MTV finally caved today and granted them the free, unlimited VD tests they requested.

2. Keith Olbermann announced Friday that he will be taking a two week vacation in the wake of a feud with right wing pundit Tucker Carlson. Olbermann did not state whether the vacation was related to the feud but witnesses say Carlson Friday set a two week alarm on his Re-Douche-ination Stasis Chamber.

3. An episode of MTV's The Dudesons, about four friends who perform outrageous stunts, has been pulled from the network for its offensive nature toward Native American culture. Many music artists voiced concerns that their music may have backed some of this offensive video, but MTV assured them none of their programming is ever in danger of being involved with music.

4. On Monday, Rep. Michelle Bachmann announced that her request to form an official congressional Tea Party caucus has been approved by the Committee on House Administration. Bachmann says the caucus will stand for fiscal responsibility, adherence to the Constitution, and of course giving a voice to the other voices in a teabagger's head.

5. In an interview with People, Spencer Pratt said that he and his wife Heidi Montag split because he chose fame over her. "We love each other but I'm a famewhore and I'll never grow out of it," said Pratt. Unfortunately for Pratt, his fame will someday expire, and most of Heidi's body never will.

High five.

Friday, July 16, 2010

A New Lohan

1. It was announced on Friday that famed OJ Simpson attorney Robert Shapiro will be representing Lindsay Lohan as she begins serving 90 days in jail on next week. Experts, however, frighten to imagine what "bloody" item Lohan will need to fit on her person sometime in the near future.

2. Tucker Carlson today continued his feud with MSNBC's Keith Olbermann calling Olbermann "sad" and claiming he is "despised at MSNBC." Carlson then shriveled back up into the foreskin where he lives.

3. Fox News Canada has hit a snag after being denied a "must carry" license by the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission. This means that Canadians will be able to choose whether or not they want the all news channel. News analysts however say that Canadians will likely opt in for the channel and be brainwashed by it so they don't appear "too mean."

4. Glenn Beck drew a large crowd in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah on Friday to sign copies of his new book "The Overton Window." People lined up for hours to get "Glenn Beck" scribbled on the inside covers, increasing the number of words in the book they actually knew to 2.

5. Republican senator David Vitter during a recent radio appearance made a joke about MSNBC's Rachel Maddow implying that doesn't look like a women. Once on the prostitution list of a DC Madam, Vitter's expertise in this field is vast, and there were far too many women for one of them not to have been mid-operation.

High five.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Unsafe Aural?

1. Researchers at the Oklahoma Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs are reporting a new drug phenomenon whereby teens attain a high from "digital drugs," or MP3s that supposedly use "binaural, or two-toned, technology to alter brain waves and mental state." Officials worry this will lead them to experiment with more dangerous drugs like meth or heroin, as was the case with the latest Nickelback album.

2. On Thursday, President Obama applauded Congress's passing of a new financial regulation bill, what he calls the "strongest consumer financial protections in history." Experts say that it protects consumers by eliminating their money, thereby giving them nothing of value to be stolen.

3. Johnson & Johnson say they will revamp a Pennsylvania Tylenol plant, but will cut nearly 300 of the 400 workers employed there. Johnson says it's part of their latest plan to increase profits by also increasing headaches.

4. After over 80 days, BP has finally stopped the damaged Gulf oil well from flowing. The company says they're not celebrating yet as they wait and test the cap to make sure there are no unseen leaks. In future news, BP's surplus of oil well-plugging caps totaling in the millions was accidentally let loose in the Gulf today.

5. New research in HealthDay News shows that middle-aged women have another reason to keep excess weight off, as those extra pounds may add to memory loss. Diane Kerwin of Northwestern Univeristy says that "the type of fat that's deposited on the hips is more likely to release hormones that are detrimental to brain function." On the bright side, women won't remember just how fat they are.

High five.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Levi's Genes

1. Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin today announced that they have gotten engaged. The couple split in 2008 and Johnston went on to pose for Playgirl and had less than kind words for the Palins. The engaged couple and baby posed for the cover of US Weekly, and an embarrassing moment arose when Levi began undressing for it.

2. Scientists say that a rare species of dark purple jellyfish are appearing in the San Diego Bay and washing up on shore. Oceanographers would like to thank the Arizona state police for reporting the sighting.

3. On Tuesday the National League finally beat the American League in the annual MLB All-Star game after a 13 year drought. The National League today said they feel very confident that they will make it to the World Series.

4. Fox News contributor Andrew Napolitano said yesterday that he "absolutely" believes that George W. Bush and Dick Cheney "should have been indicted" for the incidents at Guantanamo Bay. Napolitano went on to wish his friends and family a happy and fruitful 2006.

5. Joey Votto of the Reds said after the All-Star game that he doesn't like anyone on the Cubs, and that he wouldn't pat anyone wearing a Cubs uniform on the back. Votto's comments, referring to Marlon Byrd who made a game-saving play in right field, drew criticism from some analysts. However, in Votto's defense, he does join the greater Universe in denying the Cubs all things.

High five.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Yank Caboodle Dandy

1. Legendary Yankee owner George Steinbrenner died today at the age of 80 after suffering a massive heart attack. Steinbrenner will now move onto Heaven where he'll resume torturing Billy Martin.

2. On Monday, BP successfully fastened a larger, tighter fitting cap on the leaking Gulf oil well, slowing the spill for now, and potentially stopping it altogether. During a press conference today, BP COO Doug Suttles said there was a good chance of success. Then his head popped off and blood shot out of his neck like water out of a severed fire hydrant.

3. In a recent interview with People, Kristin Cavallari says that her show The Hills isn't real. "I would never put my close friends or a real relationship on a show," says Cavallari. You mean the thousands of vapid, substance-void conversations on The Hills over coffee, expensive dining, and meaningless fashion parties isn't how real, normally adjusted people live? Oh, you do go on!

4. Following a less than stellar Consumer Reports test, PR experts say that a recall on the iPhone hardware is inevitable, citing the company's need to maintain it's relatively good image. Upon hearing news of a possible recall, iPhone users began lining up at Apple stores five years ago.

5. Sharon Angle, the Tea Party candidate hoping to unseat Nevada senator Harry Reid this November, says that God is behind her campaign. When reached for comment God said, "Well I'm everywhere, so technically I guess I'm behind her campaign. I'm also under it, in front of it, on top of it. Lotta options."

High five.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Roaming Polanski

1. A Swiss court announced Monday that it would not extradite director Roman Polanski to the U.S. on child rape charges dating back to 1977. The U.S. did not supply Switzerland with court documents it requested leading the Swiss court to drop the extradition process. U.S. authorities however say Polanski may come voluntarily when he realizes that the United States is still a very young nation.

2. Former Miss USA contestant Carrie Prejean was married last week. Prejean created a controversy during the Miss USA pageant when she said marriage should only be between a man and a woman. Meanwhile, in a perfect world, it was discovered that Carrie Prejean's new husband has a detachable penis.

3. During the senate confirmation hearings of Supreme Court nomination Elena Kagan, Minnesota senator Amy Klobuchar asked Kagan which of the Twilight hunks she preferred, the vampire Edward or the werewolf Jacob. The question got a laugh from the gallery, at which point Klobuchar emotionally ran off, wearing an Edward tee shirt and fake fangs.

4. An L.A. times poll shows that 12% of those responding believe the latest Twilight film will not only be nominated for a Best Picture Oscar, it will win. In other news, basic comprehension skills testing has been dropped from U.S. public school curriculum.

5. A drag racer in Seattle died on Sunday when his automobile's parachute came off mid-run causing him to crash. Perhaps strapping yourself into the thinly padded metal cockpit of a vehicle built only for travel in upwards of 300MPH isn't the "five star Consumer Reports" idea we thought it was.

High five.