1. It's been announced that actress Sandra Bullock will take to the red carpet again on June 6th at the MTV Movie Awards. Bullock had been recently lying low after going through a very public infidelity scandal. In future news, Sandra Bullock left the MTV Awards in shock today after the red carpet had been photographed with at least 500 other women.
2. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerburg said today in a Washington Post op-ed that the social network will soon feature revamped privacy controls. "Facebook has no intention of invading anyone's privacy," said Zuckerburg. Adding, "Especially for people like Kathy Mitchell of Waukegan, IL and her wide variety of personal cleavage shots."
3. According to recent reports, days before an explosion of the Deepwater Horizon oil rig that caused one of the largest spills in history, BP execs knowingly chose to seal the well with a riskier engineering method for financial reasons. BP execs today apologized saying they would make amends by properly sealing mother nature's anus after they've finished raping it.
4. Attorney General Eric Holder met with 10 US police chiefs today who all agreed that the recent controversial Arizona Immigration Law would increase crime and hinder local law enforcement. The meeting was however cut short and the bomb squad brought in when Holder was believed to possess a Mexican looking mustache.
5. GOP candidate Vaughn Ward was defeated in an Idaho Republican primary Tuesday despite being endorsed by both Sarah Palin and the GOP. While Ward was upset by a candidate of the growing Tea Party movement, analysts say it was likely due to his strong anti-potato views.
High five.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Rand Finale
1. On Sunday, Sarah Palin accused MSNBC's Rachel Maddow of conducting a "prejudiced" interview with Tea Party candidate Rand Paul after he made controversial statements about the 1964 Civil Rights Act. "You know, they are looking for the gotcha moment. And that evidently appears to be what they did with Rand Paul," said Palin. Paul said he hasn't been treated this badly since he was told he couldn't sit at the front of the limo.
2. According to recent comments by Oprah biographer Kitty Kelley, Harpo staff members refer to the media titan by the codename "Mary" to hide Oprah's business from those that may be eavesdropping. In a related story, Heidi Montag's assistants continue to liberally use the codename "Heidi Montag."
3. On Thursday night, a Massachusetts' man was sucked into a sausage machine while working late at a sausage factory. The man was not injured by the machine, but did die later from extreme innuendo.
4. Today George Mitchell, President Obama's special envoy to the Middle East, told U.S. Jews in Washington that peace in the Middle East is possible. Audience members were delighted until Mitchell revealed his five point plan for Virgina and Maryland to finally get along.
5. At a Los Angeles court hearing on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. To help Lohan get back on track, said the judge, the SCRAM bracelet will detect any alcohol through Lohan's perspiration, must be worn at all times, and of course will regularly send upskirt pictures of her vagina to TMZ.
High five.
2. According to recent comments by Oprah biographer Kitty Kelley, Harpo staff members refer to the media titan by the codename "Mary" to hide Oprah's business from those that may be eavesdropping. In a related story, Heidi Montag's assistants continue to liberally use the codename "Heidi Montag."
3. On Thursday night, a Massachusetts' man was sucked into a sausage machine while working late at a sausage factory. The man was not injured by the machine, but did die later from extreme innuendo.
4. Today George Mitchell, President Obama's special envoy to the Middle East, told U.S. Jews in Washington that peace in the Middle East is possible. Audience members were delighted until Mitchell revealed his five point plan for Virgina and Maryland to finally get along.
5. At a Los Angeles court hearing on Monday, Lindsay Lohan was ordered to wear a SCRAM alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet. To help Lohan get back on track, said the judge, the SCRAM bracelet will detect any alcohol through Lohan's perspiration, must be worn at all times, and of course will regularly send upskirt pictures of her vagina to TMZ.
High five.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Good Morning, Blumenthal!
1. Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal apologized today for misspeaking on his Vietnam service record. Blumenthal, running for one of Connecticut's US Senate seats, talked previously about his service in Vietnam, but while he served in the Marine Corps Reserves, he was never actually in Southeast Asia. Blumenthal attributed his lapse to the long hours he spends being a part time astronaut.
2. Louisiana reported on Wednesday that the first heavy oil of the disastrous BP Gulf spill has reached its marshland coast. So, things in Louisiana are finally looking up!
3. Adam Wheeler, a Harvard student, was outed this past week for using fake credentials to land financial aid and more recently a job. Wheeler's resume claimed he knew four languages and was currently authoring or co-authoring six books. Of course, having received my doctorate in Book Learningtology from Princevard University, I knew instantly that his claims were false.
4. Archeologists announced that they have found the oldest Mesoamerican tomb, dated at around 2,700 years old. The tomb contained a man scientists believe to around age 50, who was buried with jade collars, pyrite and a "Vote McCain in 690BC" button.
5. On Tuesday Wal-Mart's first quarter net income saw a 10 percent rise, mirroring a similar rise in Wal-Mart customer G-strings.
High five.
2. Louisiana reported on Wednesday that the first heavy oil of the disastrous BP Gulf spill has reached its marshland coast. So, things in Louisiana are finally looking up!
3. Adam Wheeler, a Harvard student, was outed this past week for using fake credentials to land financial aid and more recently a job. Wheeler's resume claimed he knew four languages and was currently authoring or co-authoring six books. Of course, having received my doctorate in Book Learningtology from Princevard University, I knew instantly that his claims were false.
4. Archeologists announced that they have found the oldest Mesoamerican tomb, dated at around 2,700 years old. The tomb contained a man scientists believe to around age 50, who was buried with jade collars, pyrite and a "Vote McCain in 690BC" button.
5. On Tuesday Wal-Mart's first quarter net income saw a 10 percent rise, mirroring a similar rise in Wal-Mart customer G-strings.
High five.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Mohammedieval On Your Ass
1. The Swedish cartoonist who four years ago drew Mohammed as a dog was assaulted during a lecture at Uppsala University by a man yelling "God is great!" in Arabic. Lars Vilks gave a lecture on the limits of free speech when the man rushed towards the artist. Vilks was unharmed but was extra careful when leaving later in his Mohammed-mobile.
2. A 24 year old Florida woman says Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola from MTV's Jersey Shore attacked her in a club over the weekend after talking she talked to Giancola's man. "She exchanged bad words at me," said the woman. "I exchanged bad words back. She hit me twice in the face." When reached for comment, MTV called the allegations absurd and in a statement said, "Anyone who knows Sammi knows she in fact doesn't know any words at all."
3. Texas governor Rick Perry is being criticized by watchdog groups for spending more than $600,000 in tax payer money on what some consider an overly extravagant lifestyle. This includes funding parties, high end furnishings and a $1,000 "emergency repair" of the governor's filtered ice machine. Translation: the governor's "filtered ice" servant was sent back to Mexico in the wake of heated immigration debate and Governor Perry had to buy an actual ice machine.
4. Tiger Woods' mistress Rachel Uchitel is set to pose for Playboy next month. Uchitel says we'll finally see a side of her that has yet to be seen. Oh, so fully clothed then?
5. The new Miss USA Rima Fakih is being investigated by the pageant's parent company after photos surfaced of the 24 year old in a pole dancing competition, which she won. Officials say Fakih isn't in any trouble, they just want her to supervise while they install the pole for next year's Miss USA competition.
High five.
2. A 24 year old Florida woman says Sammi "Sweetheart" Giancola from MTV's Jersey Shore attacked her in a club over the weekend after talking she talked to Giancola's man. "She exchanged bad words at me," said the woman. "I exchanged bad words back. She hit me twice in the face." When reached for comment, MTV called the allegations absurd and in a statement said, "Anyone who knows Sammi knows she in fact doesn't know any words at all."
3. Texas governor Rick Perry is being criticized by watchdog groups for spending more than $600,000 in tax payer money on what some consider an overly extravagant lifestyle. This includes funding parties, high end furnishings and a $1,000 "emergency repair" of the governor's filtered ice machine. Translation: the governor's "filtered ice" servant was sent back to Mexico in the wake of heated immigration debate and Governor Perry had to buy an actual ice machine.
4. Tiger Woods' mistress Rachel Uchitel is set to pose for Playboy next month. Uchitel says we'll finally see a side of her that has yet to be seen. Oh, so fully clothed then?
5. The new Miss USA Rima Fakih is being investigated by the pageant's parent company after photos surfaced of the 24 year old in a pole dancing competition, which she won. Officials say Fakih isn't in any trouble, they just want her to supervise while they install the pole for next year's Miss USA competition.
High five.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Unfounded Founders
1. Appearing on the O'Reilly Factor recently, Sarah Palin advised that we "go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant ... [and] create law based on the God of the bible and the ten commandments." Palin was immediately punished for having recently voted without owning land or cattle and began washing Bill O'Reilly's feet as penance.
2. Next week, British astronaut Piers Sellers will take a piece of Isaac Newton's famous apple tree up into space on the shuttle Atlantis. "I'll take it up into orbit and let it float around a bit, which will confuse Isaac," said Sellers. NASA at first wasn't keen on the idea but later reconsidered when they discovered what a complete waste of time and money it would be.
3. An under-16 Australian Rules football team is being criticized for entering into a sponsorship deal with Hooters. While the team is generally not seen as the best team in the league, experts agree they are the smartest and happiest.
4. Former Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson, once star of the E! show Girls Next Door, reportedly has a series of sex tapes where she is with multiple partners. The adult film company Vivid Entertainment had threatened to release the tapes. Wilkinson, however, retrieved the tapes from Vivid's offices after showing up in a plumber's outfit asking if everyone's pipes were working okay.
5. In an interview with AOL News, Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher said that if he could live in another time it would be the 1800's. "In America you could make it or not make it depending on your efforts and your work. Men held to their word. I like that kind of black and white," said Wurzelbacher. Aptly put, Joe the Plumber: white guy. Aptly put.
High five.
2. Next week, British astronaut Piers Sellers will take a piece of Isaac Newton's famous apple tree up into space on the shuttle Atlantis. "I'll take it up into orbit and let it float around a bit, which will confuse Isaac," said Sellers. NASA at first wasn't keen on the idea but later reconsidered when they discovered what a complete waste of time and money it would be.
3. An under-16 Australian Rules football team is being criticized for entering into a sponsorship deal with Hooters. While the team is generally not seen as the best team in the league, experts agree they are the smartest and happiest.
4. Former Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson, once star of the E! show Girls Next Door, reportedly has a series of sex tapes where she is with multiple partners. The adult film company Vivid Entertainment had threatened to release the tapes. Wilkinson, however, retrieved the tapes from Vivid's offices after showing up in a plumber's outfit asking if everyone's pipes were working okay.
5. In an interview with AOL News, Joe "the Plumber" Wurzelbacher said that if he could live in another time it would be the 1800's. "In America you could make it or not make it depending on your efforts and your work. Men held to their word. I like that kind of black and white," said Wurzelbacher. Aptly put, Joe the Plumber: white guy. Aptly put.
High five.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Florida & Fauna
1. A law proposal in Florida prohibiting the act of bestiality has failed to pass the Florida congress for a second time. And for a second time, Florida congressmen meet after for a drink and awkwardly ignore the elephant in the room... the very frightened elephant in the room.
2. Sarah Palin this week is seeing a backlash from her tea party supporters after she endorsed California conservative Carly Fiorina for the US Senate. "Please rethink your position and support Chuck Devore... the Tea Party Express supports him and you should too," wrote one Facebook user. Palin finally sees that no matter what side of tea bagging you're on, no one's happy.
3. Another less publicized law was passed in Arizona recently that prohibits anyone from "intentionally or knowingly creating a human-animal hybrid." Proponents say the law tries to establish ethical standards in the field of genetic research. Local minotaur retirees were split on the issue.
4. Today, ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) allowed the first Arab-friendly domain names in what's being called a "significant change to internet domain names." But too bad if you're late to the party, as "dieUSA.com" and "killinfidels.com" are already taken!
5. Two former Real World cast members have announced they are running for political office. Kevin Powell of the first season is running for a Congressional district in Brooklyn and Sean Duffy from Real World: Boston is running in Wisconsin. No specifics yet on where they stand on the issues, but critics say both candidates are taking money from Big Hot Tub.
High five.
2. Sarah Palin this week is seeing a backlash from her tea party supporters after she endorsed California conservative Carly Fiorina for the US Senate. "Please rethink your position and support Chuck Devore... the Tea Party Express supports him and you should too," wrote one Facebook user. Palin finally sees that no matter what side of tea bagging you're on, no one's happy.
3. Another less publicized law was passed in Arizona recently that prohibits anyone from "intentionally or knowingly creating a human-animal hybrid." Proponents say the law tries to establish ethical standards in the field of genetic research. Local minotaur retirees were split on the issue.
4. Today, ICANN (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers) allowed the first Arab-friendly domain names in what's being called a "significant change to internet domain names." But too bad if you're late to the party, as "dieUSA.com" and "killinfidels.com" are already taken!
5. Two former Real World cast members have announced they are running for political office. Kevin Powell of the first season is running for a Congressional district in Brooklyn and Sean Duffy from Real World: Boston is running in Wisconsin. No specifics yet on where they stand on the issues, but critics say both candidates are taking money from Big Hot Tub.
High five.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Cinco D'Apropos
1. It's Cinco de Mayo and people all over the country are out celebrating Mexican heritage. Nearly 10,000 Caucasian college students have been detained by Arizona police.
2. Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, known nationally as Joe the Plumber, was elected to a Republican party committee of Ohio on Tuesday. The committee Wurzelbacher serves on only meets a few times a year, which party officials say will coincide nicely with when the "shitter usually plugs up."
3. This week, senate GOP members proposed an alternative to the Democrats' consumer protection bill. Today reporters were given access to the GOP plan, but said when they opened the manila folder it was filled with shredded newspaper and the GOP spokesperson had suddenly bolted from the room.
4. A 23 year old from Mobile, AL has won $1 million after pitching a perfect game in the video game "Major League Baseball 2K10," by Take Two Interactive. He and his wife says they'll use the money to start a family. The developer knew the accomplishment would be difficult but not impossible. Yes, a video gamer of that caliber having the ability to find a wife... quite an accomplishment.
5. According to Life & Style magazine, Hills star Heidi Montag will be having another breast enlargement operation. Montag reportedly wasn't happy with the size after her last procedure. Given her obsession with breast enlargement and her marriage to Spencer Pratt, experts wonder if Montag is perhaps dangerously addicted to huge boobs.
High five.
2. Samuel "Joe" Wurzelbacher, known nationally as Joe the Plumber, was elected to a Republican party committee of Ohio on Tuesday. The committee Wurzelbacher serves on only meets a few times a year, which party officials say will coincide nicely with when the "shitter usually plugs up."
3. This week, senate GOP members proposed an alternative to the Democrats' consumer protection bill. Today reporters were given access to the GOP plan, but said when they opened the manila folder it was filled with shredded newspaper and the GOP spokesperson had suddenly bolted from the room.
4. A 23 year old from Mobile, AL has won $1 million after pitching a perfect game in the video game "Major League Baseball 2K10," by Take Two Interactive. He and his wife says they'll use the money to start a family. The developer knew the accomplishment would be difficult but not impossible. Yes, a video gamer of that caliber having the ability to find a wife... quite an accomplishment.
5. According to Life & Style magazine, Hills star Heidi Montag will be having another breast enlargement operation. Montag reportedly wasn't happy with the size after her last procedure. Given her obsession with breast enlargement and her marriage to Spencer Pratt, experts wonder if Montag is perhaps dangerously addicted to huge boobs.
High five.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Abort!
1. Florida state senator Mike Bennett is in trouble this week after cameras caught him looking at pornography during a live debate on abortion. The Christian politician says he closed the email immediately and was surprised at what he saw, but not quite as surprised as experts who assumed it'd be gay porn.
2. Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow church-goers to carry guns into churches. Many conservatives see this as a win for both religious and gun rights, but mostly they're just looking to get even with the people who shot Jesus' hands and feet.
3. A man from Sichaun, China has died after a friend reportedly inserted an eel into his rectum "as a joke." The eel caused major damage to the man's intestines. Doctors said the man died from internal bleeding, and also "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
4. On Monday, Glenn Beck trashed the idea of Mother's Day, calling it a business scam started by Woodrow Wilson. Beck says he loves the person who gave birth to him but feels awkward sending a Vermont Teddy Bear to Rupert Murdoch's asshole.
5. A Los Angeles woman who was arrested for stabbing four people at a Target was said to have been distressed after losing custody of her daughter. A reporter asked the woman why she lost custody of her daughter... and the reporter was stabbed repeatedly.
High five.
2. Louisiana state Rep. Henry Burns has introduced a bill in the Louisiana House that would allow church-goers to carry guns into churches. Many conservatives see this as a win for both religious and gun rights, but mostly they're just looking to get even with the people who shot Jesus' hands and feet.
3. A man from Sichaun, China has died after a friend reportedly inserted an eel into his rectum "as a joke." The eel caused major damage to the man's intestines. Doctors said the man died from internal bleeding, and also "WHAT THE FUCK?!"
4. On Monday, Glenn Beck trashed the idea of Mother's Day, calling it a business scam started by Woodrow Wilson. Beck says he loves the person who gave birth to him but feels awkward sending a Vermont Teddy Bear to Rupert Murdoch's asshole.
5. A Los Angeles woman who was arrested for stabbing four people at a Target was said to have been distressed after losing custody of her daughter. A reporter asked the woman why she lost custody of her daughter... and the reporter was stabbed repeatedly.
High five.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Razing Arizona
1. Included in the new controversial immigration law passed in Arizona this month are some laws which are not common knowledge to the public. For instance, schools will lose state funding if they offer course "designed primarily for students of a particular ethnic group or advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals." The law also advises that you bring in your swastika flag if you think it might rain.
2. On Thursday, MLB Player's Association Director Michael Weiner criticized Arizona's new immigration law. This law "could have a negative impact on hundreds of Major League players who are citizens of countries other than the United States," Weiner wrote in a statement, using a 30o pound pen courtesy of HGH Inc.
3. On Friday Bret Michaels' doctor said the 47 year old Poison frontman has a will to live that is "undeniable." Michaels is still undergoing hospital care after suffering a brain hemorrhage last week. Dr. Joseph Zabramski still isn't exactly sure what caused the hemorrhage, but most of the tests point to long sustained, unapologetic ROCKING.
4. Starbucks is being sued by a customer who reportedly suffered second degree burns from the store's hot tea. In 1994, a women won a huge lawsuit against McDonald's when she spilled scalding coffee in her lap. However, authorities say the Starbuck's customer may be trying to bilk the company out of money, since the his original complaint reported burns to his "vagina."
5. Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has agreed to pay $27.6 million to settle a lawsuit alleging it improperly stored, handled and dumped hazardous waste at stores. The world's largest corporation can no longer store said waste. In a related story, today Wal-Mart reported no stock.
High five.
2. On Thursday, MLB Player's Association Director Michael Weiner criticized Arizona's new immigration law. This law "could have a negative impact on hundreds of Major League players who are citizens of countries other than the United States," Weiner wrote in a statement, using a 30o pound pen courtesy of HGH Inc.
3. On Friday Bret Michaels' doctor said the 47 year old Poison frontman has a will to live that is "undeniable." Michaels is still undergoing hospital care after suffering a brain hemorrhage last week. Dr. Joseph Zabramski still isn't exactly sure what caused the hemorrhage, but most of the tests point to long sustained, unapologetic ROCKING.
4. Starbucks is being sued by a customer who reportedly suffered second degree burns from the store's hot tea. In 1994, a women won a huge lawsuit against McDonald's when she spilled scalding coffee in her lap. However, authorities say the Starbuck's customer may be trying to bilk the company out of money, since the his original complaint reported burns to his "vagina."
5. Wal-Mart Stores Inc. has agreed to pay $27.6 million to settle a lawsuit alleging it improperly stored, handled and dumped hazardous waste at stores. The world's largest corporation can no longer store said waste. In a related story, today Wal-Mart reported no stock.
High five.
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