Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Van Der Bleak

1. On Monday, James Van Der Beek and his ex-wife settled their divorce after a seven year marriage. Van Der Beek has been ordered to pay his ex-wife $7, 750 monthly in spousal support until 2012. Still no word on the reason for the split, but sources say she grew tired of his "rowboat in the middle of a lake" fantasy.

2. LL Cool J criticized Sarah Palin's new show Real American Stories for plans to use an old interview with him from 2008. "Fox lifted an old interview I gave ... & are misrepresenting to the public in order to promote Sarah Palins Show," the former rapper tweeted Tuesday. However, in Fox's defense, the old 2008 interview is also his newest.

3. Scientists say the Geneva Large Hadron Collider will help us see "the beginning" of the Universe, and early tests have been promising. There was however an awkward moment when the device allowed scientists to view God prior to the Big Bang -- God quickly reached for a towel to cover himself and slammed his bathroom door.

4. A Pew Hispanic Center Survey being released Thursday says that 9 in 10 Hispanics plan to fill out the 2010 Census, despite rumors nationwide that people are foregoing the process because of anti-government sentiment. According to statistics, Hispanics, who makes up 15% of the nation's population, historically tend not to participate in censuses. Hispanic leaders though say this time around they're going to focus their organization efforts by piling all the finished forms into a big truck.

5. Earlier this month the RNC sent out a fundraising mailer that mistakenly listed a phone sex number that led callers to a "nasty girl who will do anything you want." RNC officials apologized and said they aren't sure how Mark Foley's number got on the mailer.

High five.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

What Would Jesus Shoot?

1. This weekend, federal authorities arrested 8 members of a Michigan Christian militia they had been monitoring after learning of an "imminent threat against police." Members had reportedly been undergoing paramilitary training, as well as learning how to shoot guns and construct explosive devices. Just like Jesus!

2. On Thursday, Sarah Palin's new show "Real American Stories" will debut on Fox News. This will be a radical change from standard programming, say Fox News heads. "We're excited to try real."

3. Filling in for Glenn Beck on his radio program recently, Doc Thompson criticized the new tanning salon tax in the health care bill, calling it racist against whites since only light skinned people go tanning. So white people who go tanning to become darker skinned are complaining that they are the subject of racism? Welcome to the world of the darker skinned!

4. US auto regulators said on Tuesday that it has asked the help of engineers at NASA to assist in the recent safety issues of Toyota cars. NASA responded, saying they are obliged to help in anyway they can. Toyota President Akio Toyoda is scheduled to be shot into space early Wednesday.

5. A new website called Cool Conservative has started a line of clothing made specifically for people with conservative ideals. The line of hats, shirts and mugs display conservative messages such as "I'm a fiscal conservative." Site founders say the gear is made in the "Good Ol' USA" -- their largest and most patriotic factory in China.

High five.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Spring Spraining

1. Chicago Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee reportedly suffered a minor back injury after a chair collapsed on him while eating. Experts agree the organization is shaping up to the best Cubs team in decades.

2. It was announced on Tuesday that Jersey Shore cast members Jenni "Jwoww" Farley and Ronnie Ortiz-Magrowill be writing a book called Never Fall in Love at the Jersey Shore. The book, due out in July, will "explain how to balance work, love, and partying, while properly taking care of hair, nails, and skin." The book is being written with the help of Marc Shaprio and Hooked On Phonics.

3. On April 1st, the University of Puget Sound will be holding its annual Edible Books Festival. The festival is a display of works of edible art based on works of literature. So now you'll have the chance to crap out a James Patterson novel probably in much the same way he does.

4. AT&T said today that because of the new health care law they will need to take a $1 billion charge and may need to reduce health benefits to their current and past employees. AT&T actually discovered this information days ago but finally got a signal and called the press.

5. A new poll released by Harris Interactive shows that 29% of Republicans believe President Obama wants to "turn over the sovereignty of the United States to a one world government," 20% say he's "doing many of the same things Hitler did," and 24% say he "may be the anti-Christ." In other news, reading died today, at the age of 10,000.

High five.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

3-Trini-D

1. In an effort to lure younger viewers a national Catholic television channel has debuted a variety of 3-D programming. "It's a way for us to show that we believe the message we have is relevant," says CatholicTV director Reverend Robert Reed. In future news, CatholicTV 3-D programming was scrapped today after it was discovered younger audiences have a natural fear of reverends coming towards them.

2. In an attempt to derail the Health Care Reform legislation, GOP senators have been proposing amendments they hope will make it tough for Democrats to vote no on. These include an amendment to prohibit the coverage of Viagra for child molesters and rapist and another prohibiting funding to the activist group ACORN. But maybe the trickiest is from Senator Chuck Grassly from Iowa, whose amendment proposes that "Whoever votes for the Health Care Reform bill also enjoys the eating of farts, poop, and potentially boogers."

3. Members of the GOP are invoking an obscure Senate rule that will halt all hearing after 2pm in protest of Democrats use of reconciliation to pass health care reform. "There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year," said Sen. John McCain. Democrats were of course disappointed, but say they're used to not seeing John McCain after his 2pm bedtime.

4. In a video released today of their first week in Haiti, former presidents Bill Clinton and George W. Bush shake hands with local Haitians. In one peculiar moment, Bush appears to shake hands with a local and then wipe his hand off on Clinton's shirt. However, experts say the more likely explanation is that Bush is simply comfortable with Clinton... and that Clinton's sexual prowess continues to know no bounds.

5. The father who hoaxed authorities and the nation into believing his son had accidentally taken off in a balloon floating high above Colorado was released from prison today. After a 90 day sentence, Richard Heene, his wife and kids, left the police station in the family car... or did they really? DUM DUM DUM!

High five.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

3G-Spot Technology

1. A girl in the UK was shocked last week after the phone she had taken in to be repaired was returned to her filled with pornography. The 18 year old said her phone contained images of girls in their undies and "a host of ten-minute long porn films." And, of course, as any good porn critic knows, you really need to see the entire 10 minutes to get a sense if it's really "pornography."

2. Today, during a historic signing of health care legislation, VP Joe Biden while talking quietly to President Obama dropped the f-bomb, saying, "This is a big fucking deal." However, Americans agree this is a refreshing change from Dick Cheney's weekly rose garden event when groups of strangers were brought in for him to tell to "Fuck off."

3. A recent study by Cornell University shows that in over 50 versions of the painting The Last Supper, done over the course of 1,000 years, food portion size within the work has increased about 69%. Art historians say this subject matter, specifically, shows the various cultural changes in humanity, the most recent being a Last Supper depicting Jesus and his apostles at a table judging a ballroom style dance contest.

4. On Wednesday, the California Secretary of State will be adding a measure to the November elections that could potentially legalize marijuana in the state. Experts say it's not likely to pass however, since the passage depends almost entirely on the voter turnout of pot smokers.

5. After the historic passage of the Health Care Reform bill, Democratic congressional members are reporting numerous threats and even incidents of violence against them. In Rochester, a brick was tossed through the window of the county Democratic Party office. Unfortunately for the vigilante, thanks to the recent Health Care Reform, all bricks now contain healing powers.

High five.

Monday, March 22, 2010

A Tea To Disagree

1. While entering the Capitol this weekend, a few Democratic legislators were the target of racial and homophobic epithets yelled by some Tea Party protesters. Rep. Emanuel Cleaver (D-MO) says he was actually spit on by protesters as he went to vote. Cleaver adds that it wouldn't have been so bad if the Tea Party protester hadn't just drank his own urine from his protective tin foil hat.

2. On Thursday, actress Katherine Heigl was accepting the Female Star of the Year award when the strap of her dress came undone almost exposing her breast. Fortunately for Heigl, host Billy Bush was there to catch the strap and save Heigl any embarrassment. And suddenly it becomes clear as to why his name isn't Billy Penis.

3. Fox News' Sean Hannity is being accused of scamming donors through his Freedom Alliance charity. Critics say that less than 4% of the charity's proceeds go to its targets, children of killed soldiers and wounded veterans. Hannity, author of Let Freedom Ring, Freedom Times Infinity +1 and Damn, Check Out The Set On Freedom -- So Effing Hot, could not be reached for comment at his regular Free-mail address or any other of his listed modes of Freedommunication. However, one of Hannity's signature Press Free-leases is expected shortly.

4. Just a day after a historic health care bill passed through Congress, ten states have announced a collective lawsuit against the federal government's new health care legislation. Alabama, Florida, Nebraska, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, South Dakota, Texas, Utah and Washington have promised to defend their states "from further infringement by the federal government." In a ceremony today, attorney generals from the ten states signed a pact denouncing the bill, except for Alabama who merely smushed his hand on an ink pad and smeared it across the document in the vague shape of a hand print.

5. The University of Ottawa on Friday forewarned conservative pundit Ann Coulter about the limits of free speech in the country prior to her speaking engagement at the school this week. "Promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges," said the University's Vice President Francois Houle. Not wanting to seem unwelcoming, however, Houle added, "We of course have set aside special reserved parking for your broomstick."

High five.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

It's Not A Choi

1. Lt. Dan Choi handcuffed himself to a fence outside the White House Thursday while protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," the rule under which he was discharged from military service after revealing he was gay. Choi had a large gathering of fellow protesters supporting him, until it was discovered the handcuffs were not actually part of the protest.

2. On Glenn Beck's radio program Thursday, Rep. Steve King (R-Iowa) joined Beck in denouncing the possibility of a health care bill vote on Sunday, calling it "an affront to God." But today God released a statement in support of health care reform after his HMO dropped him for being a pre-existing condition.

3. Orly Taitz, leader of the birther movement as well as a "dentist/lawyer," has reportedly qualified as a candidate for California Secretary of State. Experts agree that her credentials won't help her much, but add that if you're going to be only half a dentist, you're probably also going to need to be at least half a lawyer.

4. A New Jersey Wal-Mart is under fire this week after an unidentified person made a racist remark over the loudspeaker, shocking customers who then understandably left the store in disgust. Authorities checked surveillance footage but say they haven't determined if the culprit was a Wal-Mart employee or customer, as the uniforms are identical.

5. Researchers at Germany's Karlsruhe Institute of Technology announced in the journal Science Thursday that they have successfully cloaked a tiny bump in a layer of gold, "preventing its detection." The scientists say that cloaking larger items is not yet feasible, but that they're still hopeful to reach their ultimate goal of cloaking German history from 1939-1945.

High five.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

No Carbo-Nation

1. Pepsi announced today that they will eliminate their full calorie, sugary drinks from all schools worldwide by 2012. Students everywhere agreed with the decision saying that while they enjoy Pepsi, it causes them to crash later on in the day. Well, that and all the sex with teachers.

2. Donna Simpson, a New Jersey woman who currently weighs 600 pounds, says she wants to reach 1,000 pounds to become the world's fattest woman. Simpson consumes 12,000 calories a day and wears XXXXXXXL size dresses. In a future related story, Donna Simpson and her flowery dress were rolled out onto the field Saturday as the Yankee's opening day game was canceled due to rain.

3. It was announced Tuesday that President Obama will give an interview with Fox News' Bret Baier Wednesday in an effort to sway some opinions in a favor of his health care reform. The terms of the interview include a neutral interview location, a non-polarizing interviewer, and one extra, batshit-insane Glenn Back incident.

4. In the latest GQ Shia LeBeouf says that his girlfriend and co-star Carey Mulligan is the most talented actress he's ever met. LeBeouf continued further out onto the limb to say that Adolf Hitler was a bad guy, Ernest Hemingway was a great writer, and the idea of world peace is something he could probably get behind.

5. In a recent interview Jennifer Love Hewitt said she doesn't like being single. "Some people get excited about being single. I don't," said the 31 year old actress. Read all about it in this month's edition of Easily Solvable Problems Magazine.

High five.

Photo High Five #13

Iggy Pop performs during the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony Monday when his skin sees an opportune chance and finally makes a break for it.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Gobbledy-book

1. In his new book Courage and Consequence, Karl Rove defends the practice of waterboarding as a useful way to obtain information. Rove goes on to say that every suspect was inspected by a doctor to determine if he was safe and healthy. "Yes, I believe you know Dr. Mengele!"

2. A union in Amsterdam which represents Dutch nurses is saying no to patients who believe sexual services should be part of the standard care. The campaign began after a 24 year old nurse complained of a 42 year old disabled man asking her to provide sexual services that other nurses had actually performed. I guess massive, gigantor balls could become somewhat of a disability.

3. Monday on The View, Jessica Simpson discussed ex John Mayer's revealing Playboy interview about their sex life saying that now she feels like "more men are undressing [her] with their eyes." Jessica, Jessica... is it possible to have more than all?

4. President Obama traveled to Ohio on Monday with Rep. Dennis Kucinich to deliver a health care reform speech and urge lawmakers like Kucinich to pass the current measure. Kucinich had previously been opposed to the current legislation, but after the speech said he would take a closer look at the health care bill. Kucinich then fled up into his tree to finish making cookies.

5. Anna Arrowsmith, a female British porn director of over 300 adult films, is set to run for Parliament in the coming weeks as a Liberal Democrat. Arrowsmith was a reportedly a last minute selection after a previous candidate had dropped out. In future news, just weeks after being elected, Anna Arrowsmith has resigned from politics and the Parliament saying that no one should have to be exposed to this much gang-banging.

High five.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Photo High Five #12

Vice President Joe Biden tells Palestinian Prime Minister Salam Fayyad that though the office of Vice President gives him little power, it does give him the power to create powerful electromagnetic fields.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Miss & Miss Issippi

1. A Mississippi school is being sued by the ACLU after they decided to cancel the prom rather than let a lesbian couple attend. "All I wanted was the same chance to enjoy my prom night like any other student," said 18 year old Constance McMillen. Officials at Itawamba High School said they have no problem with lesbians, they'd just rather not have to clean up after their slimy arthropod exoskeletons or mucus releasing tentacles.

2. A Moscow police chief is apologizing after Russian police ordered innocent motorists to act as human shields to stop a robbery getaway car last week. But Russian citizens collectively cheered having finally been promoted to "human."

3. Michelle Bachman's re-election campaign announced Thursday that Sarah Palin will make an appearance at a fundraiser for Rep. Bachman in April at the Minneapolis Hilton Hotel. NASA said today that the Hubble telescope is already pointed there for the amazing opportunity to catch the never-before-seen spectacle of two black holes colliding.

4. On Thursday, Conan O'Brien announced a 30-city tour called the "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television Tour" which would start April 12th. O'Brien will also make a stop at the Bonnaroo Music Festival this summer and serve as emcee on the main music stage. In other news, NBC negotiators were miraculously able to retain Chuck for a 4th season.

5. A surprising NPD Group report shows that in February video game sales fell 15% despite the release of major game titles. Gamers, however, expect the numbers to climb again as across the country millions of them emerged from a yearly, month-long shower and returned to their living rooms to unpause Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

High five.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

He Haim, He Saw, He Conquered

1. 80's heartthrob Corey Haim died Wednesday at the age of 38 after reportedly suffering a drug overdose. Haim starred in hit movies such as Lucas and The Lost Boys, and a few networks have begun pre-production for a TV movie based on his life. After possessing another person's body to tryout, Haim was disappointed to find he couldn't get cast in that either.

2. Bank of America has announced that they will soon not allow debit card holders to overdraft their accounts. The move is in anticipation of new federal regulations which limit overdraft fees. But if American ingenuity has taught us anything, it's that US citizens will find new and more efficient ways to spend money they don't have.

3. The makers of Barbie announced they will be creating dolls based on characters from the show Mad Men. Characters Don Draper, his wife Betty, Roger Sterling, and office bombshell Joan Holloway will all be featured characters in the first batch. In the spirit of maintaining historical accuracy, female dolls will feature black eyes and no lip.

4. Best Buy unveiled a line of 3D televisions on Wednesday they hope will allow them to cash in on the 3D phenomenon started by James Cameron's Avatar. But analysts are unsure whether the 3D craze will really amount to anything. Still it may be a safe bet for Best Buy, because they can always tell their shareholders it looks like the customers' money is coming right at them.

5. As part of a BBC documentary, researchers ran an experiment to see if an "underwear bomb" could in fact bring a plane down, as was the plan of the unsuccessful Christmas Day bomber in Detroit last year. The researchers found that the underwear bomb would not have done any harm to the 747. The remaining passengers in line for the bathroom, however, respectfully disagreed.

High five.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

A Harry Colon

1. It was announced Tuesday that Early Show co-anchor Harry Smith will get a colonoscopy live on the air as a way to promote early cancer screenings. CBS says the live procedure is nothing audiences aren't used to seeing, especially after millions watched James Cameron get a similar procedure during this year's Oscars.

2. The Academy Awards aired on Sunday and the critically acclaimed Hurt Locker took home Best Picture. The Hurt Locker chronicles a group of US soldiers whose jobs are to defuse IEDs in Iraq, not to be confused with a Bush torture device of the same name.

3. On his show Tuesday, Rush Limbaugh said that if health care reform passes, he will leave the US. "I am leaving the country. I'll go to Costa Rica," said Limbaugh. Upon hearing the news, Costa Rica jammed through the paperwork to change its name to Liberal-vania.

4. On Monday, Lindsay Lohan filed a lawsuit against E*Trade over their Super Bowl ad. Lohan says E*Trade's talking baby ad featuring a "milkaholic" girl named Lindsay was a jab at her. Lohan isn't upset about the alcohol reference, but rather the fact that the baby's track marks weren't even on the correct arm.

5. On Tuesday, Chief Justice John Roberts told a crowd that he found President Obama's State of the Union address critique of a Supreme Court decision to reverse campaign finance laws "very troubling." In a 5-4 decision weeks ago, the Supreme Court ruled that corporations could donate unlimited amounts of money to support the candidates of their choice. John Roberts' appearance was brought to you by Slim Fast. Slim Fast: trim those pesky pounds while you trim those pesky ethics! Slim Fast!

High five.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Game Of Inches

1. Playgirl is reportedly offering Jon Gosselin $20,000 to pose for a nude spread in the magazine. Playgirl extended the offer saying they would pay Gosselin $10,000 "for every inch after four." In future news, Jon Gosselin owes Playgirl $80,000.

2. Friday during meeting with Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius and insurance company executives, President Obama read a touching letter from a woman in Ohio whom he thought represented what's wrong with the health care system today. Cancer survivor Natoma Canfield's 2009 premiums had increased 25% to $6,075, and in 2010 she was informed her premiums would be increased 40% to $8,496. Insurance executives said they were moved by the letter, but that state of the art robotics have yet to perfect tears 001110100100101001101011011101001010111.

3. West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd today criticized his local paper's editorial page, saying it reads like "barkings from the nether regions of Glennbeckistan." Oh, silly old Robert Byrd, the citizens of Glennbeckistan can't read or write!

4. On Saturday, Sarah admitted to an Alberta, Canada crowd that she has crossed the border for Canadian health care. Palin has been a vocal critic of a single payer, government run health system she says will birth things like "death panels." Canada does in fact have death panels, but gosh they're just the nicest bunch a death panels you could imagine.

5. On Monday, a day after parliamentary elections in Iraq, the two major parties -- the Iraqi Prime Minister's State of Law coalition and the Iraqiya party -- are both claiming to be ahead as the vote count continues. With results expected Tuesday, no side is backing down and some in the parties are already claiming victory. Claiming victory in an election you may not have won at all? They really have become a democracy!

High five.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Palin Comparison

1. On Thursday, producer Mark Burnett and Sarah Palin announced they are shopping around an idea for a television show about the natural beauty of Alaska. "What it's not is a reality show following her around, getting up in the morning or her family and all the salacious stuff," said Burnett. So tune in this fall to Sarah Palin Presents: The Beauty of Alaska... as Gunned Down From a Helicopter.

2. A new shoe scanner is being tested at the Homeland Security Department lab and officials think it may help ease congestion at airports if approved for broad use. The scanner is said to have improved abilities when it comes to detecting weapons and bomb parts. Airline security officials say they're very excited to try the product, especially passengers wearing Victoria Secrets' new shoe bras.

3. This week it was reported that the Tea Party has their own iPhone app called the Tea Party Finder. The application works by locating a Tea Party group in your area, and then gives you directions on how to get there without having to be confronted by one those pesky "libraries."

4. Michigan Representative Bart Stupak said this week that he will kill any health care reform bill that doesn't include his anti-abortion amendment, which bans government money from being used in abortions. "We should not be giving women this option," said Stupak during a press conference. Stupak was rather unwavering -- that is until his mother stood up in the audience and yelled, "Not so fast."

5. A Burberry fashion show in London on Tuesday jumped onto the bandwagon by showing digitally projected models in 3D. Those invited to the screening wore 3D glasses and said the models came right off the screen. The models popped so much, said one viewer, that you could almost make out the food they hadn't eaten.

High five.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

R&R For Fifty Bucks

1. Republican Representative from North Carolina Patrick McHenry introduced a bill Tuesday to remove Ulysses S. Grant from the $50 bill and add former President Ronald Reagan. So far 13 Republicans have cosponsored the measure. But historians say Reagan's face should be put on something he's more familiar with, like a trillion dollar bill.

2. This week Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick of Arizona introduced the Taking Responsibility for Congressional Pay Act, to cut the pay of all congress members by 5%. "Families across the country are getting by on lower wages ... so why shouldn't senators and representatives have to feel the same pinch?" asked Kirkpatrick. In future news, today Congress overwhelmingly passed a new measure called the Shoot Rep. Ann Kirkpatrick Into Space Act.

3. On Wednesday at a conference in California, developer Bryan Horling with Google said about 1 in 5 of everyone's searches is personalized based on their web history, location, and friends. "When we have information related to the user, it tends to be pretty clear what they're looking for," said Horling. Remember when you kept getting all those ads for stores specializing in S&M, lubricants, and Hello Kitty? They know.

4. The FAA suspended two air traffic controllers this week after the son of one was allowed to relay a few routine messages to pilots on the runway. "JetBlue 171, cleared for takeoff," the boy is heard saying in one recording. And today, Al Qaeda released a video declaring Take Your Kids To Work Day a complete success.

5. Tonight, Democratic Florida Rep. Alan Grayson will debate Republican Minnesota Rep. Michelle Bachmann on Larry King Live on the topic of health care reform. Show producers say their goal is to ensure an even, balanced debate, so prior to the telecast they will secretly feed Grayson crazy pills.

High five.

Photo High Five #11

Kentucky Senator and grinch Jim Bunning, who last week repeatedly blocked the extension of an unemployment benefits bill, shows the senate other things he enjoys blocking, like his own ability to applaud.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

A Long Time Ago In A University Far, Far Astray...

1. Students at the University of Mississippi have started a movement to make Admiral Ackbar, a Mon Calamari rebel from the Star Wars film Return of the Jedi, the school's mascot. Lucasfilm studios says they're flattered by the possibility of Ackbar becoming a mascot, but that "it will be difficult for him to show up for games!" Five Jokes believes the mascot should be a vagina, as it may be a treat for some of these students to actually see one.

2. On the recently racially charged campus of the University of California San Diego, a white pillow case made to look like a KKK hood was affixed to a statue in front of the school's library. Police have removed the item for DNA and fingerprints. Still, a KKK hood planted on a statue in front of a library only upholds the theory that the KKK has never actually been inside a library.

3. Singer Chynna Philips this week withdrew divorce papers filed against husband Billy Baldwin only days after filing them. The couple's manager says Chynna has been stressed and confused lately. It must be similar to the phenomenon of seeing Stephen Baldwin, thinking it's Alec, and then a split second later, realizing Alec Baldwin would never work at McDonald's.

4. On Tuesday, the Smithsonian rejected the suit O.J. Simpson wore during his famous 1995 televised court verdict, deeming it inappropriate for their collection. Experts say the suit is an artifact of one of the most remembered moments in recent history, but that it's understandable the Smithsonian would want to keep its distance given what's happened to anyone else who "messes with O.J.'s shit."

5. President Obama on Tuesday proposed a $3,000 home energy tax rebate to Americans who pay to make their home more energy efficient. The President says consumers would be eligible for these rebates for simple home upgrades such as insulation, duct sealing, and water heaters. Basically anyone who doesn't have a limitless supply of hot air like Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning.

High five.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Bunnin' An Elevator

1. After once again objecting to an unemployment benefits extension, Senator Jim Bunning refused to speak with reporters and even raised his middle finger at ABC News as he entered a private elevator. However in Bunning's defense, during his private elevator moments, the middle finger is usually the one he crams up his own ass.

2. Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a massive granite head they believe to be the pharaoh Amenhotep III, who lived 3,400 years ago. Researchers say this is the largest and most complete stone head ever found in the area. Archaeologists are now planning a future dig to unearth the ancient Egyptian steroids responsible.

3. It was reported Monday that Kate Gosselin of Jon & Katie Plus Eight will be participating in 2010's Dancing With The Stars which premieres March 22. In other news, ex-husband Jon Gosselin was thrilled to discover today that the bowl of Lucky Charms he poured for dinner was mostly stars!

4. A seventh grader at River Valley Middle School in Indiana has been suspended for a week after simply touching a fellow student's Adderall pill. The school's principal says student Rachel Greer was technically in possession of the drug, according the school's zero tolerance policy. Greer's mother was furious with the decision, saying, "We used to live in a country where educators just had inappropriate relations with the students!"

5. With a little over a year left on Katie Couric's contract, CBS has reportedly been in talks to bring Anderson Cooper on board as an anchor. No word yet on whether Couric would leave the network, but Cooper, in preparation for the move, has been maintaining his gray hair and stocking up on Metamucil.

High five.